Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Flowers for Christmas from new boyfriend.

214 replies

seriouslypanicking · 20/12/2018 14:47

What would you think if you got a bunch of flowers from someone you’ve been dating for a year.

My oh just gave me flowers from the internetthey arrived today but the way he’s been messaging me the past week leaving me clues and made it appear I was getting Crown Jewels or something a bit more than flowers.

I’m well aware I appear like a spoilt brat but he’s going away to his family today so I know that’s all he’s bothered to get me. Whereas I spent quite a bit of time and thought on his present. Feeling a bit deflated to be honest.

I can almost feel the grow up comments coming in already as I type this and I’d say the same, but this guy is now sulking because I apparently didn’t congratulate him on his really thoughtful gift enough so now I’m somehow in the doghouse.

For further info I received them alone and opened them up straight away put them in a vase and sent a photo thanking him to say there were lovely.

OP posts:
MamaLovesMango · 22/12/2018 09:22

I think after this I’ll always be waiting for the next incident like this to happen.

That’s no way to live. I think you’re very wise and I hate to use an MN cliché but he’s shown you who he is, you should listen

PerverseConverse · 22/12/2018 09:24

You've done the right thing.

My ex bought me expensive sunglasses for my birthday. Very nice you might think as I wear them every day unless raining heavily. Except we'd talked about sunglasses and I'd said how I only bought cheap ones as I anyways drop them, children sit on them, or they get bent out of shape as up on my head frequently instead of taking them off. I'd just bought a new pair from M&S and he knew that. He'd said if I didn't like what he'd got me I could exchange them no problem. He was not happy that I didn't like them. They didn't suit me at all. He insisted I choose a new pair from the website but I didn't really like any and couldn't try them on first. He got a refund in the end but frequently brought it up. Wish I'd taken that as the red flag it was.

Fleabag123 · 22/12/2018 09:30

Just one thought - and I am no way defending his behaviour and sulking - Christmas in America often isn’t the big deal it is in the UK as a lot of people make more of a fuss for Thanksgiving.
So perhaps his idea of Christmas is low key and therefore he thinks what he did was a huge deal, especially having emailed your friend to check it was your favourite type of flower.

However his sulking and overreacting is awful behaviour and agree it’s a red flag. As is overreacting to minor things as per your last post. You sound very strong and sensible and if this does turn out to be the end of the line with him, I hope it doesn’t spoil your Christmas x

ChocolateWombat · 22/12/2018 09:54

I'm astonished by this thread and the advice on it.

I get that sulking isn't good, but Op says that the odd misunderstanding has only ever happened by text.....and let's face it, most people have an occasional sulk and the odd misunderstanding does happen. However, Op says that in person things and communication has been good through the year.

So all of this seems like a massive over-reaction and hugely self-indulgent to me. So what that he bought a gift that the OP and much of MN deem 'disappointing' and wasn't thrilled by the cool response he received........not getting a gift quite right is hardly the crime of the century not an indication that a partner doesn't care, or grounds to say LTB.

I would say that life is full of far more important things and whether relationships are good or bad is made up of so much more than how much someone spends on a gift or whether they work out what you'd really like. Perhaps this relationship was floundering anyway and wasn't going anywhere, but if it was good, I honestly can see no reason to tell someone not to contact them again because they have given an unappreciated gift and because they reacted to very cool Thankyou. Mature lasting relationships need a bit of a thicker skin and sense of what matters. And I think that sometimes MN does its members no favours and escalates a minor issue into a big crisis, when loads of people leap in with 'how awful' 'how selfish' 'he doesn't care' 'LTB' based on about 4 lines of text about one incident in one day......which then makes it all seem like a bigger deal to the OP.

Fair enough,end the relationship if there are a series of things going wrong and it's not working out. Don't end it because of a bunch of flowers and 2 texts.

Write · 22/12/2018 10:10

Oh OP he sounds vile!
And getting your friend involved in buying tulips online?! That screams attention seeking like he wanted her fawning over how attentive he is.

Classic (I’m sorry I know it’s over used) signs of emotionally abusive person, punishing you for not reacting excited enough about a shitty present.

He would have liked you feeling sick that you’d lost him and tripping over yourself apologising for your (perfectly polite) reaction and then feeling grateful when he began being “nice” to you again.

I’m so glad to read your updates, I wish you and your son the best!

Dowser · 22/12/2018 10:18

I think for me it wouldn’t be so much about the flowers but the fact that he didn’t want to spend our first Christmas together.

You’ve been dating him for 11 months...that’s a serious amount of time...I met and married my first husband in that time.

My second husband , I was really impressed with. We met in mid July and he had a trip booked to see his only brother in Canada in February.
My birthday is in February and he cut his trip short to be back in time for my birthday...which I didn’t expect him too and told him it wasn’t necessary but he insisted.

He’s rubbish at present buying btw but he shows his love and thoughtfulness all the time, so he’s excused.

But yes, I think if your guy had said I’m going to spend Xmas with you and then have a quick trip to see the rellys, I think that would’ve meant more to you than a stupid gift.

ScreamingValenta · 22/12/2018 10:21

I think you're disappointed because the gift shows he doesn't know you very well.

knittedmouse · 22/12/2018 10:22

Flowers are what you get your mum or grandma for xmas.

Men who sulk are just pathetic and hard work.

Janus · 22/12/2018 11:52

But chocolatewomble I think most would agree that getting the wrong present isn’t a sin, if only he sort of laughed and said something like ‘maybe a crappy bunch of flowers wasn’t my best attempt!’ or something lighthearted, it’s the major sulk and no messages since that I think everyone is unhappy about.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 22/12/2018 11:57

OP can i ask what vibes you have him that he told you that you were spoilt and ungrateful etc? I misunderstand why if you sent him a photo and a thank you text etc he would be so shirtyConfused

Dowser · 22/12/2018 12:58

I think flowers from a significant other should be the kind to bring real joy, where you look at them and think they are just stunning.

How did they do that?

where the florists artistry is apparent.

These are sadly just some very ordinary, instantly forgettable flowers.

Thirty odd years ago, I did a favour for a friend and he sent me some flowers.
They were stunning, in a basket with some beautiful bird of paradise flowers as the centrepiece.

I’ve had lots of lovely flowers in my time but that particular one was so memorable I’ll not forget them

Sadly op, I think youlll remember these for the wrong reasons

Original poster
seriouslypanicking · 22/12/2018 13:29

ihopeyourcakeisshit I really haven't a clue what i've done to appear so spoilt to him. This is the email I received from him and replied to with what I said earlier.

Do you have any clue what I went through trying to get you that lame ass flower arrangement?
What that piece of shit cost?
I get a thank you for the flowers baby and a three second phone call.
Fuck, I should have just sent you the cough drops, I’d have gotten the same reply but maybe more.
When you wanna hurt someone you really know how to do it!
I’m sorry you did not get the xmas present that you might have wanted, whatever that might have been.
Maybe look at what I went through trying to get them to you as the gift n not the flowers themselves.
If I get a lecture email I’m going to delete it straight away.

For reference the flowers arrived around 9.30am and he was still asleep, he knew I was meeting someone for breakfast so although I called and spoke to him he was asleep and told me to go enjoy breakfast and he'd speak to me later on.

Im now being told my self justification would drive a person insane. im just not replying to it or rising to it. Its bloody hard but ive brought myself to a cafe to get some work done while ds is out for the day with his dad.

OP posts:
Krankypants · 22/12/2018 13:30

He sounds like an absolute bellend and you are well rid GrinXmas Biscuit

MrsSpenserGregson · 22/12/2018 13:33

I'd reply with the following:

"I'm sorry that you are so utterly lacking in intellect as to find purchasing a bunch of flowers online so difficult."

Then block him. What a wanker.

frazzledasarock · 22/12/2018 13:37

I don’t understand.

What would have been an appropriately greatful response in his world?

Has he organised a flashmob and sky writing thanking you for his gift OP & therefore is underwhelmed with your perfectly normal response thanks to his sad looking bunch of flowers?

MamaLovesMango · 22/12/2018 13:40

That email screams abusive cunt. He even admits it was a shit present!

The only reply to that should be ‘yes, they were ‘lame ass’ flowers. Really fucking lame. Like you. Bye Felicia! Don’t contact me again.’

Janus · 22/12/2018 13:45

I like mrsspensers reply!
Honestly, he’s a complete shit and no longer worth the drama, so sorry though

PerverseConverse · 22/12/2018 13:51

Fucking hell. What a nasty guy. Block and delete and have a lovely Christmas with your son Cake

junebirthdaygirl · 22/12/2018 13:55

I love flowers and l would love them. But l bought a bunch just like it just now in Lidl for 4 euro. I love flowers in the house at Christmas and would prefer them to crap jewellery or smelly stuff.
But he is out of order with his carry on since. Such drama. Don't engage. He is a pain.
And l would absolutely hate slippers so maybe he hates his present too.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/12/2018 14:04

Ask him where's the thank you for the present you gave him. Twat.

Original poster
seriouslypanicking · 22/12/2018 14:29

Hahaha

Thank you all for cheering me up. I agree I think i've dodged a massive bullet. Jesus my ex was a bit mad but not this level, I was always allowed to have a say and I cant with this one without it coming across as a "lecture email" as he puts it, Which I say is my side of the story.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 22/12/2018 14:36

But what did he go through to buy the flowers? Were they teetering on the lip of a volcano.
And what was wrong with your Thankyou? Ffs.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 22/12/2018 14:39

Bloody hell, what a cock!
I think you should be grateful you found out what an awful man he is before Christmas, at least you can go into the New Year with a new start and all that jazz.
Hope you have a good one 🎅

Original poster
seriouslypanicking · 22/12/2018 14:51

"ohyesiam" god that made me laugh Grin

The trouble he went through was that his bank account is based in America and apparently he couldn't figure out how to switch the delivery address from the cardholders address so almost had my friend buy them for me and transfer her the money over to her.

no wolves, no volcano, no angry flashmob to get through whilst holding the bunch of flowers. nothing. That was it, a bank card error that he couldn't figure out.

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 22/12/2018 15:05

I think you'll find this as illuminating as your reading on narcissists:

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Use it to spot men like this coming in future and to help you trust your instincts when someone is gradually revealing their controlling / abusive nature.

It reads like he's gradually been trying to train you into behaving the way he wants and obeying him. The bullshit way he tries to reframe your perfectly reasonable behaviour of not being a doormat and valuing your own needs is one example of this.

appreciate the effort he’d gone to in the first place

As for this, they're tulips not some rare orchid he brought back from a dangerous expedition.... However, he wants to have the power to decide how your view the world - if he says that tulips are an intensely difficult present to procure you are supposed to ignore reality and accept his version as fact. You're refusing to do that and he does not like it.

You feel confused right now because he's gaslighting you and trying to shift your worldview to make you more compliant to what he wants.

What he wants from his sulks etc is for you to back down, apologise, accept you're entirely at fault and beg for forgiveness. Instead, you still have the ability to recognise how unreasonable and ridiculous he's being and you assert yourself. He's trying to break that part of you so he can click his fingers and watch your jump, and train you to be grateful for mediocre treatment.