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Original poster

I am on the verge of having an affair

283 replies

WhattheheckamIdoing · 19/12/2018 15:34

I am ready to be flamed, I know I deserve it.

I am on the verge of starting an affair with a married colleague. I know this is wrong, I know lots of pain will come from it and I feel guilty about his wife and children.

We have only had a (few) drunken snogs after the office Christmas party. We left the party separately at different times and met at my place. At the party we just couldn't get away from each other so it was getting dangerous. I was adamant that we should not get into proper sexual territory as that would be an even more slippery slope. We agreed on that.

I think we are both pretty infatuated with each other, but we need to draw a line and stop this madness. His wife also works for the same company and the consequences on his family and my career would be tragic if this became a full-blown affair.

I don't know why I am posting here. I can't tell anyone in real life so maybe I just needed to write it. I am on the verge of having an affair. I hope I'll have the strength to control myself.

OP posts:
ladywady · 20/12/2018 10:20

This reply has been deleted

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The80sweregreat · 20/12/2018 10:25

I have known women who have done this ; they always come off worse! Not always, but it's true women that will be flamed and vilified rarely the men involved.
It's really not worth it.

YetAnotherThing · 20/12/2018 10:31

There’s obviously the sister solidarity but even if you don’t care about that (or are too immature to understand it), this will destroy your own self esteem later. It’s a power game and he wins. How do you see this ending? Remember if he can lie to his wife, that he has made vows to, he can easily lie to you too.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Luvey · 20/12/2018 10:32

All right ladywady I think she's got the picture. Calm down

JacintaJones · 20/12/2018 10:43

Look OP, you aren't goumg to destroy anybody's family no matter what you choose to do. This man will just pick somebody else to have an affair with if you resist him. He will destroy his family with or without you.

Honestly though for your sake don't get played by him. It might look good now but even if he leaves his wife what's your future?
You'll be his age stuck with a man pushing sixty and step kids who detest you, and thats the best case scenario....

Do yourself a favour and stop chasing a middle aged shit who cant keep his dick in his pants.
A life of erectile dysfunction and disappointment awaits.....

TSSDNCOP · 20/12/2018 11:16

All a bit nasty really OP isn’t it?

A pair of colleagues set upon an affair after his wife just had a baby. They thought they were just the chocliest couple ever. The utterly deserved shitstorm they brought on themselves was off the scale. They were held in utter contempt by male and women colleagues. Our department head was disgusted and was forced to wade in and eventually they both had to leave the country. It didn’t end there though, word had already travelled so they were greeted with even more contempt.

If you think you can tell your mum and dad what you’ve done over Christmas dinner then you crack on. Bet you can’t.

Wheresthebeach · 20/12/2018 12:01

You're 29! Find someone decent to have a nice family with if you want a relationship. Do not waste these precious years of your life on a dick.

Do you want kids? Don't get involved with time wasters if you do.

Also, do read threads of the betrayed wives on MN. It will be an eye opener to you and hopefully a passion killer.

chocatoo · 20/12/2018 12:05

Once a cheat, always a cheat.
He will cheat on you...and you will feel the pain that his wife is going to feel when she finds out about your affair.

shopgirl18 · 20/12/2018 12:06

You know that he'll be shagging you and shagging his wife also. That's pretty rank!

And if he says he's not having sex with his wife... he's lying!

BobLemon · 20/12/2018 12:13

Do you know WHY he’s snogging you on the regular?

I’d suggest talking to him, sober.

Is he unhappy in his marriage? Or is this not the first time he’s done it, and he is quite content to stay married and do as much as he can get away with? Are the two of you also having an “emotional affair”? WHY does he only want to snog (and somehow thinks this doesn’t constitute an affair...)?

TheGreenDot · 20/12/2018 12:18

Been there and done that.
No one found out about mine, we were lucky in that respect he still has his happy family.
I never wanted him to leave her.
Honestly it’s not worth it.
It’s just lust. It will go.
He will come out the other end fine. The men do. You’ll be branded.

Tinty · 20/12/2018 12:25

Been there and done that.
No one found out about mine, we were lucky in that respect he still has his happy family.
I never wanted him to leave her.
Honestly it’s not worth it.
It’s just lust. It will go.
He will come out the other end fine. The men do. You’ll be branded.

Not necessarily, my cousins husband had an affair, she found out and chucked him out. He had a breakdown. My cousin is ok, but still angry that the loser broke up her happy family for a bit of strange. Personally I think it serves him right.

Shriek · 20/12/2018 12:31

OP is enjoying the unfolding excitement of this thread is all, clearly.

Someone mentioned it further up.

oldmum22 · 20/12/2018 12:57

Why bother?
No birthday celebrations. No cosy morning cuddles. Nobody to go on holiday with. Nobody to go as a partner for weddings, christenings , social events.
Wait till he tells you his wife is pregnant.
It is not romantic.

If you are still set on it ….what would you do if he turned at 2am with his suitcase after having been thrown out ?
Ps ...The sex wont be that good as he will be clockwatching .

Toughtips · 20/12/2018 13:14

You sound pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. You remind me of the OW my DH had an affair with.

Worst thing was she pretended to be my friend. Met our children etc all the whole wanting to shag their father.

It didn't end well. DH lost his job cos he worked with her partner.

We then gave things another try n she treatened suicide if he left her.

Don't be that girl. Get a grip and stop snogging men that aren't yours.

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 20/12/2018 13:23

Once a cheat, always a cheat
^ Yes this if he will cheat on his wife he will cheat on you

thecatsarecrazy · 20/12/2018 13:34

Stay well away.
I know what the sexual tension is like and I know how the temptation feels but it really is not worth it!
I had an emotional affair, I have been married 12 years other man single. That was bad enough but after a row with my husband I had a drunken snog. Felt awful but did it again and again.
I'm now at the stage where I am avoiding facebook and facebook messenger yet again to try and avoid talking to him without knowing its totally final and just blocking him.
I want this shit over with so I can start a new year without this nonsense. He was messaging me 2 days ago asking if we can be fuck buddies until he meets someone. I wont shag him. Last night I made the mistake of going on his facebook and getting stupid jealous because a woman was flirting with him. Get another job if you have to. I left mine so I don't see him unless I bump into him in town.

Poster65 · 20/12/2018 13:34

Why dont you do EVERYONE a favour and explain to the twat the sheer pain his wife and children will suffer, even if this "snogging" comes out.

Take it from someone who's life was blown apart a few years ago due to an affair. Unless you've felt it, you'll never understand the lifelong pain that comes from it.

And trust me, you don't want to be in a scorned wife's firing line. I utterly warn you, there's no reasoning with that sort of anger.

Get a grip of yourself. He is not yours to have.

katekat383 · 20/12/2018 16:40

I think also, due to the age difference, he would tire of uoupretty soon. His wife is the mother of his children and no matter what you try, you can not get away from that fact. You are behaving very badly. In fact, I think you may even be loving the attention you are getting from this thread.

katekat383 · 20/12/2018 16:41

of you

namechange03 · 20/12/2018 16:44

Think you should have some empathy and imagine if it happened to you, especially as someone who doesn't even have children, can you imagine trying to hold it together for your children in those circumstances? I think it's disgusting of both of you to even have had 'snogs' 🤮 and it's not going to be a serious connection. If he's capable of this when he's married, would you want to be with him? Given your question, you'd probably deserve him and to have it happen to you.

ocelot41 · 20/12/2018 17:22

You're getting a right roasting on here, and I am not sure that's helpful. When faced with a similar situation I decided to treat myself as someone who was as hooked on limerence as any alcoholic is on booze. Don't try and test your willpower - you won't have any. Just get yourself the hell out of there - move towns, jobs, be incredibly busy with things that are really rewarding (and flush your body with endorphins) - exercise, achieving stuff at work, friends whose company you love, a trip you have always wanted to take. Go no contact immediately and without a big emotional goodbye - change your phone no, email, close social media accounts. Just do it. Expect really horrible withdrawal symptoms for a while and make a plan in advance for what you will do when the cravings hit. Around three months of total no contact and you will start to feel better - but be on your guard, it is not ok to get back in contact then or you will be back to square one. Do not try to be strong - you aren't. Plan accordingly from now on, otherwise you are heading for carnage.

Original poster
WhattheheckamIdoing · 20/12/2018 17:55

Ocelot thank you, your advice is really helpful. I agree that avoidance and NC is the only way to manage this situation.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 20/12/2018 18:21

Go for it OP. You can do this. And you will feel proud of yourself for managing it. Just get practical - if you don't want to fall off the edge of a cliff, go nowhere near the edge. Miles away in fact. Accept that you have very little reliable willpower right now, and will feel totally crazy for a bit. Then it will pass. And you will realise you hadn't thought about him for a whole hour, and then a whole day, and so on... One step at a time.

ocelot41 · 20/12/2018 18:29

And although it sounds a cliche to say it, one day you will meet someone who is free to love you. And it will feel clean and good and beautiful - and you will thank your lucky stars you made some good decisions.

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