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Original poster

I am on the verge of having an affair

283 replies

WhattheheckamIdoing · 19/12/2018 15:34

I am ready to be flamed, I know I deserve it.

I am on the verge of starting an affair with a married colleague. I know this is wrong, I know lots of pain will come from it and I feel guilty about his wife and children.

We have only had a (few) drunken snogs after the office Christmas party. We left the party separately at different times and met at my place. At the party we just couldn't get away from each other so it was getting dangerous. I was adamant that we should not get into proper sexual territory as that would be an even more slippery slope. We agreed on that.

I think we are both pretty infatuated with each other, but we need to draw a line and stop this madness. His wife also works for the same company and the consequences on his family and my career would be tragic if this became a full-blown affair.

I don't know why I am posting here. I can't tell anyone in real life so maybe I just needed to write it. I am on the verge of having an affair. I hope I'll have the strength to control myself.

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 19/12/2018 18:30

Look for another job. Only way to have space and not embark or do something you might regret. He really isn't worth it.
You deserve better too.

BlueJava · 19/12/2018 18:31

Sit down and have a long and serious conversation with yourself - out loud if possible. And tell yourself what a shit 2019 you are about to give yourself, his wife, his kids, him, his wider family. Think on the implications of your career. How you will impact his wife and family. For what? Just so you get a bit of dick - the attraction will fade trust me.

Neverunderfed · 19/12/2018 18:31

If you want to have the strength, you will. It really is that simple.

However given you were snogging at a Christmas do don't be surprised if you are the talk of the office very soon.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
katekat383 · 19/12/2018 18:32

Nice.

SoupDragon · 19/12/2018 18:32

Strength has nothing to do with it. Basic decency does.

slashlover · 19/12/2018 18:34

I hope I'll have the strength to control myself.

You act as if you were caught up and couldn't help it. You PREMEDITATED a meet-up, you PLANNED the leaving at different times and meeting at your place. That was not a heat of the moment thing.

christmaschristmaschristmas · 19/12/2018 19:04

You are having an affair. It is serious.

It is not flattery - you're just a game to him, from the monotony of his marriage.

I would leave my husband for this if he were you or the man.

AnyFucker · 19/12/2018 19:15

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DrunkenUnicorn · 19/12/2018 19:16

It came out in November that my husband did similar with some younger woman in the office. No full on sex, a bit of snogging and sexting.

I agreed to give him/us time to try and fix it for the sake of our three kids- the youngest of whom is two.

I’m trying my hardest but I’m really starting to worry that it’s not fixable. I just don’t feel the same.

The OW? Dropped her like a stone as soon as I found out, with all the cliches others have mentioned.

If I won the lottery tomorrow and therefore wouldn’t have to sell our house/move to a cheaper area, move the kids from their lovely village school with friends all inside a few minutes walk away, have to stop them doing their expensive sports that they are actually very good at and work bloody hard at/devote hours and hours to every week.... I’d have kicked him out in a heartbeat.

I just need to know that I’ve tried my hardest to fix it before I call time on it.

It will absolutely break them

WineGummyBear · 19/12/2018 19:17

OP some of these replies may seem harsh to you. And there's a good reason.

The situation you are in is unbelievably clichéd because it's unbelievably common.

Versions of this same tale are told and retold on Mumsnet, both the mistress version and the wife's version.

The commonality in both accounts is pain and misery on both sides.

Because actually we are talking about a man who has committed his life to a person, fathered children who depend on him. Yet he thinks so little of them he's prepared to make their lives into one big precarious lie. A person like this puts themself first every single time.

I'm not appealing to you to think of his poor wife and children. They are obviously not real people in your mind.

But he is and he is not a star-crossed lovers. He's a lecherous self-serving creep.

gamerwidow · 19/12/2018 19:26

I'm sure all this sneaking around feels very exciting but the reality is it's just boring, dull and seedy.

katekat383 · 19/12/2018 20:01

it's just boring, dull and seedy.

Yes.

MakeAWhish · 19/12/2018 20:07

Grow up and walk away. Simples.

Dontbestupidagain · 19/12/2018 20:33

So my sister could be his wife. She lost her life as she knew it because her husband couldn't keep his dick in his pants and his colleague didn't have the conscience to say no either. Three kids who lost their family life, their family home and one day will find out what a lying cheating scum bag their father actually is.
Don't do it. It isn't worth it.

alansleftfoot · 19/12/2018 20:38

Got the message op ?

greendale17 · 19/12/2018 20:38

You are already having an affair. Don’t kid yourself.

You need to find a new job ASAP and leave him alone.

Simonsaysitschristmas · 19/12/2018 20:39

OP, work on your self esteem. How bad must it be that you even consider this never mind arrange for him to go back to yours. One day when you are a wife and have kids you will look back on this and be utterly mortified at your actions. There are 1000s of single guys out there - go find one.

ballsdeep · 19/12/2018 21:06

Reading through this you actually. Make me sick
You say you hope you can control yourself but imagine if it was you at home waiting for your husband and he is snogging some random in an office party. Ergh. Hell get what he wants and leaves you. You're not the first one. For gods sake get some bloody self respect. Why on earth would you want to be anyone's bit on the side shag?! Bevause that's what you are.
The excitement is somehow connecting you but don't fool yourself. He is a first class c##t and to be honest if you follow through you're not much better

TheDowagerCuntess · 19/12/2018 21:07

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Abelard40 · 19/12/2018 21:16

^^ been thinking this!!!

goingtotown · 19/12/2018 21:32

You’re on the verge of destroying a family, how can you be so callous.

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 19/12/2018 21:33

Look at it this way....

If he ever becomes your partner, your partner is a CHEAT! Why would you think he wouldn’t do it to you? What’s so special about you? Don’t do it OP. Get someone who respects you.

BlueJay1 · 19/12/2018 21:35

Have a bit of respect for their children!!! For g-ds sake.

It is not worth it. He will use you. His wife will find out (they always do) and it will be your head on a spike, she'll forgive him - they have a family together. It will be you who bares the brunt of her anger - and she'll be within her rights to sting you up.

If you can't work with him and not shag him, find another job!! Don't ruin multiple peoples lives.

ocelot41 · 19/12/2018 21:35

I fell hook, line and sinker once for a man who had a long term partner once. Madly in lust, hands shook like crazy whenever I saw him. I was fairly sure he felt the same way.

I decided to treat myself like I was trying to come off very, very strong drugs. Cold turkey - no seeing him, no hanging out where I might bump into him. Lots of exercise, keeping busy, friends who were willing to be called if I was having a wobble.

I never breathed a word to him, never did anything about it. It was really hard for a couple of months, maybe three. But you know what? It wore off. Nobody died. I was fine. Limerence is super powerful stuff - think emotional crack. But you are not helpless. You don't have to go down this road. Don't just "hope to be strong" - make practical, clear plan about how you are going to deal with this. Then stick to it.

Brook1yn · 19/12/2018 21:47

How selfish can you be to play an active part in destroying a family, OP!?

And a few months down the line, when your career and reputation is also in tatters, I am sure the 5 mind of excitement and a lousy stag were all worth it.

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