I am on the verge of having an affair

[WhattheheckamIdoing]

I am ready to be flamed, I know I deserve it.

I am on the verge of starting an affair with a married colleague. I know this is wrong, I know lots of pain will come from it and I feel guilty about his wife and children.

We have only had a (few) drunken snogs after the office Christmas party. We left the party separately at different times and met at my place. At the party we just couldn't get away from each other so it was getting dangerous. I was adamant that we should not get into proper sexual territory as that would be an even more slippery slope. We agreed on that.

I think we are both pretty infatuated with each other, but we need to draw a line and stop this madness. His wife also works for the same company and the consequences on his family and my career would be tragic if this became a full-blown affair.

I don't know why I am posting here. I can't tell anyone in real life so maybe I just needed to write it. I am on the verge of having an affair. I hope I'll have the strength to control myself.

acrossthepond, the OP said there would be no contact over the Christmas break, so she has gone NC effectively from now.

Well, no. She hasn't ended it because although they agreed to not speak over the holiday, he still thinks she is his still his sidepiece just ready to pick up again after his cosy family xmas

If op doesn't disabuse him of that idea right now, she has no intention of going "NC" at all

Across because I don't want to contact him while he is spending time with his family.

Priceless

After Christmas you will be like putty in his hands OP. Putty in his hands.

You will shag him.

And it will end up a massive clusterfuck.

Guaranteed.

Why? He hasn't shown you any such courtesy, has he?

The point I'm trying to make is that, once again, you are doing things the way HE wants them done. No contact until he deigns to give you a smidgen of his precious time on Xmas Eve. Meanwhile, you sit waiting for him. Either waiting for that smidge of his time, or waiting to end it. Either way, based on HIS convenience.

Break the chain. Declare that your time is as valuable as his. That YOU are as valuable as him. Stand up and shout "I will not wait one more second to begin my future".

Yes, I'm sure you're scared of the dreaded 'being alone', but you're alone now aren't you? I'll tell you this; I'd rather be alone that be with the wrong person.

Don't ruin another women's family. If he wants to be with you he would end it with his wife.. Its lust not love.

Oh SHIT My last post is on THE WRONG THREAD. I got two mixed up.

I still say ditch him. But if you can't do it now without his wife seeing it, then just block him.

To all the PPs who are telling me that I must stay away from this man and this situation is wrong, and then stating that I will for sure shag him no matter what I say: how do you think this is helping the situation exactly?

I said this is done and I will not continue interacting with this man. So please stop declaring the opposite will happen.

I don't really get all this "don't ruin another woman's family" or "this happened to me/my mum". It's a sham of a marriage already because he's clearly a shit. If he's capable of cheating, he will. The OW is interchangeable.

The marriage is over, whether you're further involved or not, but it sounds like you sensibly don't want to get dragged into the shit storm.

It's a sham of a marriage already because he's clearly a shit. If he's capable of cheating, he will. The OW is interchangeable.

Yes Hello but we aren’t talking to the Man here, we’re talking to the potential OW. She doesn’t have control over his actionas just her own.

And while yes, it’s likely he’ll seek to cheat again, that’s his responsibility not hers.

We aren’t saying “don’t ruin the marriage because it’s perfect” we’re saying “don’t you be the one to ruin it and have that on your conscience”

I said this is done and I will not continue interacting with this man. So please stop declaring the opposite will happen.
People love to continue to pile on even when the OP has admitted they might be wrong.
You’ve made the right choice, you know you will leave him alone it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Good luck OP.

I hope this thread has even useful and that you find the self respect to tell him to fuck off.

The arrogance of the twat. As if you should be flattered by the attention of a middle-ages cheat when you’re the one whose a young, free, single catch and could have your pick.

Middle aged, not Middle Ages! You didn’t mention he had a time machine.

Onascale this thread, together with similar others from the past, has been incredibly useful. I am glad I posted. As I expected, Mumsnet can provide harsh but sensible, straightforward advice. Exactly what I needed to make sense of the situation and resolve to end it.

@AcrossthePond55
I actually thought what you said was really fitting and a powerful message (except the random Xmas Eve bit )

Never mind non-contact after NY, end it in your head now. Go out tonight & consider yourself single & ready to meet someone for you & you alone OP. You've made the right decision.

Thanks @LastOneDancing I guess the last two paras are relevant to this OP as well as the tread I confused it with! I think most of us have been in a relationship where we haven't been valued the way we should be. It's so empowering to scream "I will NOT be treated this way".

@WhattheheckamIdoing I think some of the 'yes, you will' posts are people (hopefully) trying to use 'reverse psychology' on you. Just be true to yourself and realize that you are worth so, so much more than the crumbs from some lying cheater's table!

@NonaGrey I agree with you, that's exactly my point.

You have progressed from telling him that you had a crush on him and you ignored everyone then

Oh and did he tell you how much he loves his wife and that they have great sex and he's committed to his family, but that you are not the first or the last...in a long line of posh wanks...

You ignored all the helpful advice then and you will no doubt ignore it now,but you do like to talk about it,and then go do it anyway.

Hes an arsehole.

I'm glad to hear you are stopping it now. Trust me, the devastation it could cause is hard to fathom unless you've been directly affected. But devastation is where it can and often does lead. My dad's affair led to his suicide, my mum's mental hospitalisation, my brother's early death through alcohol, my teenage runaway chapter, life in care, rapes and subsequent PTSD which is still plaguing me 40 years on.

Don't entertain the idea of an affair. It is never worth the often devastating consequences.

That’s heartbreaking villageshop and if your story isn’t enough to stop people wantonly trashing other people’s lives through their selfishness I don’t know what is.

Don't you mean stop men betraying their wives. Very very sadly I don't think it matters what destruction and devastation it causes, those men will always be arseholes and have affairs. They don't care about what they do to the women in their lives that love them.

Shriek I mean both parties.

I think any woman who believes a cheating man for being genuine is selling herself short, being sold a donkey, and being fed a pile of lies to manipulate her into a relationship. However this OP has foisted herself upon him knowing he was married, telling him she fancied him and pursued him.

However, he made promises, swore to not do this,made vows of love and cocommitment, and is destroying his family.

It doesn't wash with me that she's doing that, if it wasn't her it he would be chasing another skirt.