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Original poster

I am on the verge of having an affair

283 replies

WhattheheckamIdoing · 19/12/2018 15:34

I am ready to be flamed, I know I deserve it.

I am on the verge of starting an affair with a married colleague. I know this is wrong, I know lots of pain will come from it and I feel guilty about his wife and children.

We have only had a (few) drunken snogs after the office Christmas party. We left the party separately at different times and met at my place. At the party we just couldn't get away from each other so it was getting dangerous. I was adamant that we should not get into proper sexual territory as that would be an even more slippery slope. We agreed on that.

I think we are both pretty infatuated with each other, but we need to draw a line and stop this madness. His wife also works for the same company and the consequences on his family and my career would be tragic if this became a full-blown affair.

I don't know why I am posting here. I can't tell anyone in real life so maybe I just needed to write it. I am on the verge of having an affair. I hope I'll have the strength to control myself.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 20/12/2018 19:36

Will he be as appealing when his marriage fails because of this and he has sole care of his DC half the week? Because he's a good dad and that's what he'd want right?

erm12345 · 20/12/2018 19:51

Christ almighty what a lot of perfect people here 🙄

It’s a hard situation to be in.

In all honesty though it’s not worth it.

SoupDragon · 20/12/2018 19:58

Christ almighty what a lot of perfect people here 🙄

You don't have to be perfect not to have an affair with someone who is married. It's really not difficult.

It’s a hard situation to be in.

It really isn't.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
erm12345 · 20/12/2018 19:59

How do you know?

TSSDNCOP · 20/12/2018 20:14

I can only speak for myself but you go “you’re married? Nah thanks. Next!”

erm12345 · 20/12/2018 20:18

Not really the same as being in that situation tbf

SoupDragon · 20/12/2018 20:32

How do you know?

It's really not hard not to snog someone who is married. It just isn't.

SoupDragon · 20/12/2018 20:34

Well, if you have the slightest shred of decency and morals it's not hard.

TSSDNCOP · 20/12/2018 21:05

Follow TSS advice.

Et voila! bullet dodged.

Anything else is just intent wrapped in bollocks.

CatnissEverdene · 20/12/2018 21:24

My dad left my mum for a younger woman. He was in his late 40s, OW was early 20s. My mum was also heavily pregnant. She fell apart at the seams, tried to kill herself killing the baby in the process and spent 12 months sectioned in a secure mental health unit. Dad left my sister and I to be cared for by relative after relative until Mum was eventually discharged. My childhood ended at 13 and I spent the rest of my teenage years desperately trying to keep Mum together and looking after my younger sister so we didn't go into care. My mum was never the same again, and we didn't see Dad for many many years. To think that the OW went into this and blew our family and lives apart deliberately when she had the choice not to though makes me feel physically sick.

You have a choice OP. You say you feel guilty about his wife and children, but you're not thinking of them. You're only seeing what you want here. Zoom out and try to see the bigger picture here, for all of your sakes.

katekat383 · 20/12/2018 22:08

CatnissEverdeneFlowers

DaisyDreaming · 20/12/2018 22:09

I read the first 2 pages.

I have a question or two.

What are you getting out of this? The buzz? Ask your self why are you doing this. You are already having an affair with a married man, you don’t need to DTD/PIV to have an affair.

How is your self esteem at the moment? Putting aside you will end up loathing yourself and feeling crap about himself when he chooses his wife and kids over you. How is it at the moment? Why do you feel it’s ok to be someone bit of the side. Do you feel you deserve love and respect from a full relationship, rather than being his ‘bit of fun’ andfun secret.

You are worth more than that.

Join the dating scene, or find others ways to find a man who you not only want to snog but who will one day love and cherish you

fuzzyface · 20/12/2018 22:54

I had a crush on a married man once (I'm married). It became a bit obsessive in my head but I kept it there and kept a physical distance and was never alone with him. I love DH so much and I think it was just a vulnerable point in my life and the crush in my head felt exciting etc.
Turns out this bloke was an utter sleazebag who was cheating on his wife with two women and had a love child with one Shock
I suppose what I'm saying is firstly you just don't put yourself physically in the situation to have an affair and secondly these sort of blokes invariably end up being immoral arseholes.
They give a vibe that attracts women especially vulnerable women.
My DH is not flirty at all, not for grand gestures etc but he is the most loyal loving man. He just wouldn't be in that situation. You should aim for a guy like that if you have self esteem

NightOwlHoney · 21/12/2018 00:02

Catniss how awful. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Elenajc86 · 21/12/2018 00:11

Is he worth losing your job for?

If you do end up with him could you ever trust a guy like that?

I’d leave it at a few drunken snogs and stay well away from now on. Start looking elsewhere. Forget him.

Shriek · 21/12/2018 02:43

All cos a man can't keeobhis dixk in his pants, what fucking arsehole some of them are... Is this who you want OP?

Yes..OP not really interested in our comments other than to live fantasy from.

I am pretty sure I've heard it before. It's progressing though.

TheLastNigel · 21/12/2018 06:29

Limerance OP-google it. That's what you are experiencing here. It's doesn't last but it can make you take paths that lead to disaster whilst you are in the middle of it.
No contact-no not even a last 'we can't do this' text. Spend time with your friends and family over Christmas. Distract yourself.
It will feel shit for a few weeks whilst you 'detox' from him. But you can handle that.
It won't feel as shit as when his wife shows up on your doorstep devastated if you continue to have an affair with her husband.

I know it's hard and and you've had an inevitable bashing on here. I actually think the fact that you posted shows that you have a conscience. Use it mate-there's a lot to be said for looking back years later and knowing you did the right thing.

Bamchicabaawaa · 21/12/2018 06:45

Woah guys there’s a lot of people naming OP. Obviously she’s wrong but MM is the dleazebag

alansleftfoot · 21/12/2018 06:59

No, they both are

ciderhouserules · 21/12/2018 07:44

Christ almighty what a lot of perfect people here - by not have an affair with a married man? That's not perfect, that's a basic bar - married? =No thanks.

It’s a hard situation to be in So don't go there, then you won't be in the situation. It's not hard to avoid.

In all honesty though it’s not worth it. No, it's not. Even if it all works out, and you are star-crossed lovers meant to be, you can never really trust him. It's no way to live.

catniss - my father did the same. Walked awat from 25 years with my DM, who then had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. OW was 3 years older than my older sister Angry I was 21, and haven't seen him since. I hope he is a real burden to her now - he will be 88, and she mid-60s.

Original poster
WhattheheckamIdoing · 21/12/2018 10:02

Thank you all for your advice. I am now googling limerance and getting a better sense of this ridiculous pull I have been feeling.

I will go NC with MM as soon as we are back from the Christmas break (I told me not to contact me at all during the break, so no chance of contact until January anyway).

Thank you all again.

OP posts:
drum123 · 21/12/2018 10:21

Good on you, OP. You've made the right decision. Remember that NC means just that - do not contact him, and if you have to interact through work, keep it professional. You will thank yourself in the future.

Original poster
WhattheheckamIdoing · 21/12/2018 10:34

Thank you drum, thankfully MM and I work in different departments, so no chance of working together directly. We'll see each other in the office corridors, but that's it.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2018 14:17

I will go NC with MM as soon as we are back from the Christmas break

Why wait?

NonaGrey · 21/12/2018 14:22

Christ almighty what a lot of perfect people here

We’re setting rather a low bar for perfection if it includes “not ruining the life of my colleague and her children by knowingly sleeping with her husband”

I glad to see that you have thought better if it OP. It’s the right decision.

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