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Original poster

I’ve accidentally raised a brat and I don’t know how to deal with it

239 replies

Babayaggatheboneylegged · 12/12/2018 10:42

I’m at a loss over how to deal with my six-year-old daughter.

She’s been a ‘tricky’ character all her life. As in, not very amenable and not one for just getting on with things. If she’s unhappy about a situation, she makes it VERY clear. She can be really sweet and caring, but she is very stroppy, sometimes with a self-destructive streak. She’s usually prepared to cut off her nose to spite her face.

This year, we agreed with my husband’s siblings (most of whom also have kids) that we’d chip in and get one present for the dc from the collective aunties and uncles, to reduce the sheer amount of STUFF the kids get. I’m particularly in favour of this as we live in a small house, and I just don’t think my kids really need anything. I hate that Christmas ‘thing’ of getting stuff for the sake of it.

So my kids have got tickets to a show this weekend as their ‘aunties and uncles’ pressie. I mentioned it to DD this morning on the way to school, and she sighed loudly and moaned. Like it was this massive chore to her.

I was thinking, WTF? I said she needed to remember how lucky she is, how that was no way to behave when we’re talking about a gift someone has given her etc.

She turned to me and said, ‘well, I don’t believe in Christmas!’

As is often the case with dd, I didn’t actually know what to say in response to this.

As she was going into school, I asked her again, nicely, to remember how lucky she was and she replied with the ‘I don’t even believe in Christmas,’ thing again. I said it didn’t matter what she believed in, she was very lucky and shouldn’t be spoilt and ungrateful. And then she went into school.

I think she is spoilt. We take her lots of nice places, we have a big extended family who are all really generous to her and she wants for nothing. We’ve never been the kind of parents who give her everything she asks for. We do say ‘no’ to a lot of stuff.

But it’s clearly not enough. I’m just so disappointed.

And I don’t know how to address it.

Part of me is SERIOUSLY tempted to say, well if you don’t believe in Christmas, we won’t do it then. And give her presents away. But I know I’d never actually go through with it.

But is there anything I can do without resorting to this sort of nuclear option? I so don’t want to raise an entitled and ungrateful child. And yet here we are…

Has anyone out there successfully tackled an attitude problem like this? Is she likely to grow out of this kind of thing?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 12/12/2018 12:34

Are you sure she wasn’t just in a bad mood this morning and would have said much the same no matter what the treat was?

If you think she will end the show, which you do, be the adult and take her and then be the adult again and help her to make some lovely thank you cards. She will probably sniff and huff at this bit but that’s where the boundaries come in and you are firm about being thoughtful and grateful.

Some dc simply are tricky and keeping things simple is best IMO. Endless chats and negotiations simply prolong the misery.

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 12/12/2018 12:35

Thanks all, your different perspectives are very helpful. I’m slightly less worried now that she’s a monster Wink

KurriKurri I do worry a bit about anxiety – I think she does have a tendency to fret unduly about stuff. And I think that does sometimes manifest itself in her ‘shutting down’, where she sort of ‘goes into herself’ and it’s REALLY hard to prise out of her what the problem is. I find it an incredibly frustrating aspect of her personality (especially given that I’m just trying to help/fix things) but I’m resigned to it now.

I think I’ll tell her dad not to let her watch any telly tonight because of the ingratitude/strop (he’s doing the pick up) and then when I’m home from work I’ll have a big talk to her, try to find out why she reacted the way she did, and explain that I’m not bothered what she believes in, but that we are getting together with our extended family to celebrate xmas, and see how that goes.

If she’s still being stroppy, I’ll give her and my tickets to a friend and they can go instead.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 12/12/2018 12:37

Is she like this all year round, or is she worse with end of term fatigue?
If she is eye-rolling, huffing, and not wanting to go, then give her what she wants - let her stay at home with a boring babysitter while you, DH and DS go to the show.
That way she both learns that she can refuse to go if she doesn't want to, AND that a hasty word or expression has consequences - she misses out, especially if you come back after having a good time and tell her what she missed.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Orchiddingme · 12/12/2018 12:37
  • I said, ‘Ooh, this weekend we’re going to see a show about Dr Seuss!’ And she sighed and moaned in an ‘aaawwwww’ disappointed kind of way.*

And- you want new ideas on how to punish her? Honestly, it's all so...intense. Perhaps she's a bit tired, perhaps she doesn't like Dr Seuss, perhaps she's trying to get a rise out of you...

Be calm, just state what you are doing and get on with it. No need to react. Some of the posts here are really odd in their insistence on punishing children for expressing any type of negative emotion, whining or being a bit of a pain. It's extremely important that girls in particular are not constantly required to be happy and performing happiness to others, putting them and their own feelings last.

By all means cut down on actual material gifts and constant outings if you think it's gone too far. But don't go round punishing children for sighing, really.

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 12:38

I'm finding this thread really odd. I used to be a primary teacher and mainly taught ages 5-8 and now I have a seven year old and a nearly 6 year old and to me this is totally standard, run of the mill, 6 year old behaviour. Not especially bratty or difficult - just typical of a tired schoolchild not long before Christmas. The fact that you're disappointed is worrying - a child will definitely pick up on a sense that they can't do anything right and their behaviour will go downhill very fast - that'll be down to your reaction rather than anything in her.

If my DD said something like that I'd firstly ask her what she meant by not believing in Christmas (as it's a somewhat odd thing to say) and then decide from there what the consequence would be. Chances are she's tired/hearing conflicting things at school/a bit fed up and she's just having a moan - you getting all wound up and telling her to feel something different isn't going to help at all.

Orchiddingme · 12/12/2018 12:39

OMG- no telly, no show because she sighed?

Really, this is trivial stuff. You are punishing for being a normal 6 year old.

thetemptationofchocolate · 12/12/2018 12:39

I wouldn't be surprised if it's end-of-term fatigue that's contributing to this. It's been a very long term.

Orchiddingme · 12/12/2018 12:40

Spaghettijumper I agree, I'm going to step away now as I actually feel sorry for the 6 year old!

lalalalyra · 12/12/2018 12:41

explain that I’m not bothered what she believes in, but that we are getting together with our extended family to celebrate xmas, and see how that goes.

Please don't tell her you are not bothered what she believes in.

You really need to find out what is behind the "I don't believe in Christmas" thing before you punish her for this imo. You have absolutely no idea what is going on in her mind over this so find out what she's thinking before punishing her for it.

Elfinablender · 12/12/2018 12:41

OMG- no telly, no show because she sighed?

It could be worse, other posters would have her working down the pit till she knew how grateful she was.

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 12:42

I'll add that when my nearly 6 year old is tired, nothing is good enough for her - even if I gave her sweets (her most adored thing in the world) they'd somehow be the wrong sweets. I just ignore - she can't manage being tired and usually a cuddle will soften her up and she'll relax and either laugh or fall asleep.

6 is still very young. Don't get too het up about really minor things.

cloudtree · 12/12/2018 12:42

And TBH Dr Suess is marmite. As an adult I appreciate the genius but as a child I hated it.

Is it Seussical the musical?

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 12/12/2018 12:43

Hmm, Bertie, what you are saying about attempting things eventually certainly rings bells!

Also, I admit, I DID have a go at her before we left the house about losing her school tie for the zillionth time. Her brother had been up in the night so we could all probably have done with a bit more sleep.

I think I was just disappointed because I was trying to initiate a nice conversation about something we could look forward to about the weekend, and the response I got was less-than-enthused.

It's like she was behaving in a superior way with her, 'well, i'm not a xmas believing idiot anyway!' A sentiment I admit could easily have been influenced by her best friend.

And I constantly look at her and think, 'you have such a charmed life!'

But she just doesn't realise it. Yet. And then I worry that she never will...

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 12/12/2018 12:43

Can I ask OP - is she quite grown up for her age generally?

Because it does sound a little bit like you've forgotten she's only 6. Removing tv tonight for something you don't know what's behind, and that you spoke to her firmly about before school is a massive overreaction and will simply add to any sense of unfairness she has.

You don't even know why she reacted like that! Talk to your child. Find out why she no longer believes in Christmas and why she wasn't enthusiastic about the weekend before you write her off as a brat at 6.

FrostyMoanyWind · 12/12/2018 12:44

and explain that I’m not bothered what she believes in

That's not exactly kind, is it? To tell your child that they're so unimportant that you're not bothered what they believe Shock I think you should re-think your approach.

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 12/12/2018 12:47

Ok, at the start of the thread I was told not to be such a wet blanket and show her who’s boss, now I’m damaging her with my expectations!

THIS is why I never know if I’m doing parenting right!

I just want my kids to be nice. And know they are fortunate.

Which is not as easy as it sounds!

OP posts:
EvaReady · 12/12/2018 12:48

My kids would have got more excited about a pj day than a trip to see Dr Suess in the theatre. Sometimes you need to consult with your kids before deciding for them what they will like and then getting annoyed with them, when you get it wrong. There seems to be a lot of extreme responses on this thread...Christmas is a time full of unrealistic expectations for everyone - chill out, it doesn't have to be the best ever - the run up is crazy, I'm not surprised kids end up over - stimulated and grumpy - a lot more outside doing simple things around nature helps.

lalalalyra · 12/12/2018 12:49

Also, I admit, I DID have a go at her before we left the house about losing her school tie for the zillionth time. Her brother had been up in the night so we could all probably have done with a bit more sleep.

So you were all tired and cranky, yet you are writing your SIX year old off as a brat for reacting tired and cranky? Seriously?

And I constantly look at her and think, 'you have such a charmed life!'

Sorry, but that's not normal. My kids have a good life, but they're kids so they don't realise it because they're kids.

You are expecting a lot of very adult reactions and realisations from a very, very young child.

cloudtree · 12/12/2018 12:49

If your aim is for your children to be nice and appreciate things I would say its a gentle conversation about how what we say can hurt the feelings of others especially when they've gone to an effort to do something nice.

Elfinablender · 12/12/2018 12:49

THIS is why I never know if I’m doing parenting right!

On Aibu you are doing it right if you are pissing people off in equal measures Grin But really, I'm right Wink

Elfinablender · 12/12/2018 12:50

Or chat even Blush

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 12:51

From your last post, I think I understand more about what's going on.

I have to be a bit harsh here - sorry.

It is not your 6 year old's duty to give you a pleasant conversation because you expect one. She's a small child and will behave how she behaves - you should correct outright rude behaviour but you shouldn't insist she has the reaction you expect her to have.

She is not behaving in a superior way - she is six years of age. Children that age haven't a clue about superiority and the fact that you're feeling personally offended or like she sees you as an idiot for believing in Christmas says a lot more about you than about her. She's a child.

Of course she doesn't realise she has a charmed life. She's 6! Please don't get the hideous 'after everything I've done for you' attitude - it is IMO one of the most damaging ways a parent can relate to a child - do not give her things and then resent the fact that you don't get the reaction you want. If you feel she genuinely doesn't value the things you give her, find out why that is (maybe she doesn't want them?) and either give her something she does appreciate or help her to understand their value by making them more scarce.

You are the adult here. She is still only new in the world. This is not how she will be when she is 20. But if you give her the message that she's an ungrateful brat then she won't be keen to learn anything from you.

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 12/12/2018 12:52

I think she probably ‘doesn’t believe’ in Christmas because her best friend (and probably a fair number of her classmates) don’t and she will have picked up on the fact that not everyone ‘does’ xmas or ‘believes’ in it.

When I say I’m ‘not bothered what she believes’ what I mean is, we’ve always tried to teach her that people have all sorts of different beliefs, and that’s fine, and one set of beliefs isn’t necessarily superior to another. So, she can believe what she does or doesn’t want to in relation to xmas, as long as she doesn’t act like a spoilt brat who is too good for everything!

And yes, it is Dr Seussical. Does anyone know if it’s any good? She does like the books!

OP posts:
NopeNi · 12/12/2018 12:55

Christ - one single grumble at an over-excitable tired time of year, and you're actually, seriously calling her a "spoiled brat"?

ArfArfBarf · 12/12/2018 12:57

Some of the responses here are ridiculous! I think certain posters just like showing off how strict they are.