I’ve accidentally raised a brat and I don’t know how to deal with it

[Babayaggatheboneylegged]

I’m at a loss over how to deal with my six-year-old daughter.

She’s been a ‘tricky’ character all her life. As in, not very amenable and not one for just getting on with things. If she’s unhappy about a situation, she makes it VERY clear. She can be really sweet and caring, but she is very stroppy, sometimes with a self-destructive streak. She’s usually prepared to cut off her nose to spite her face.

This year, we agreed with my husband’s siblings (most of whom also have kids) that we’d chip in and get one present for the dc from the collective aunties and uncles, to reduce the sheer amount of STUFF the kids get. I’m particularly in favour of this as we live in a small house, and I just don’t think my kids really need anything. I hate that Christmas ‘thing’ of getting stuff for the sake of it.

So my kids have got tickets to a show this weekend as their ‘aunties and uncles’ pressie. I mentioned it to DD this morning on the way to school, and she sighed loudly and moaned. Like it was this massive chore to her.

I was thinking, WTF? I said she needed to remember how lucky she is, how that was no way to behave when we’re talking about a gift someone has given her etc.

She turned to me and said, ‘well, I don’t believe in Christmas!’

As is often the case with dd, I didn’t actually know what to say in response to this.

As she was going into school, I asked her again, nicely, to remember how lucky she was and she replied with the ‘I don’t even believe in Christmas,’ thing again. I said it didn’t matter what she believed in, she was very lucky and shouldn’t be spoilt and ungrateful. And then she went into school.

I think she is spoilt. We take her lots of nice places, we have a big extended family who are all really generous to her and she wants for nothing. We’ve never been the kind of parents who give her everything she asks for. We do say ‘no’ to a lot of stuff.

But it’s clearly not enough. I’m just so disappointed.

And I don’t know how to address it.

Part of me is SERIOUSLY tempted to say, well if you don’t believe in Christmas, we won’t do it then. And give her presents away. But I know I’d never actually go through with it.

But is there anything I can do without resorting to this sort of nuclear option? I so don’t want to raise an entitled and ungrateful child. And yet here we are…

Has anyone out there successfully tackled an attitude problem like this? Is she likely to grow out of this kind of thing?

She’s getting loads of gifts to open, the OP said as much!

Absolutely no harm in her understanding why people are wanting to give less ‘stuff’ this year. Show her a YouTube video with a turtle with a lump of plastic stuck round its neck.

Six isn’t a baby. She doesn’t need to be coddled like one, if she’s old enough to act like a stroppy madam she’s old enough to have a bit of understanding about the world.

What are you doing on Christmas Day? I’d get her to a homeless shelter serving food!

She's 6 not 16

She's 6, and it's a few weeks out from holidays, so she'll be knackered. I'd be inclined to cut her some slack.
That said, there are no consequences for being stroppy, and she has to learn the world doesn't revolve around her. I'm all for girls (and boys!) being assertive, but I have very little tolerance for rudeness. I'd suggest you cut down a couple of her gifts and spend the money on giving supplies to a local foodbank/toy donation for deprived kids/charity so she can see there are plenty people who won't be opening tonnes of presents on Christmas Day.
Then boundaries. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. My DC are allowed to be tired and grumpy, and as teens often are, for which I cut a lot of slack (especially at this time of year) but they're not allowed to be rude with it. If they receive 3 of the same present (which has happened) I'd expect them to thank each giver sincerely, and leave it up to me to sort out exchanges etc. My point being, it's not about the gift, it's about the thought that's gone into it.
As for strops, you give a consequence (lose iPad for a set time, or a favourite toy, nothing as nuclear as no Christmas) and you follow through each and every time. No exceptions. No giving in. Not even if you're exhausted and just want the whining to stop. It'll only take a couple of times and she'll figure it out. Plus future teachers/partners/friends will thank you for teaching her she's not the centre of the universe.
It will get easier. OK, that's a lie, the challenges will change, but I firmly believe in giving children boundaries and trusting they will be able to rise to them. Consistency is key too. As are loads of cuddles and not labelling her - she's 6, she's got plenty time to change. It'll just take a bit of time and perseverance on your part. Don't be afraid to be strict with her when needed, and knock the long discussions on the head. Sometimes no is just no, because Mum and Dad say so, and that's that. Also a valuable life lesson. You've got this

She’s getting loads of gifts to open, the OP said as much!

So she should be grateful that she is not going to get those particular presents from those particular aunts and uncles to do something that she has no interest in?

I think you should donate all but one of her presents to a hospital or charity shop. Take her with you and tell her how kind she is to donate her Christmas presents. She won't be so ungrateful next year.

What about doing one of those Christmas shoe boxes that you fill and send to children or elderly in other countries who might not have anything for Christmas? It's a charity (can't remember the name) we've done them through the school before and I'm always surprised at how involved my dcs got picking the items and wrapping it up and it really made them think and make them realise that not everyone is as lucky as them.

She’s six, how many times is she going to have to do something she has no interest in

It’s the theatre, not a day trip to the steelworks.

She might not particularly like the theatre. Doesn’t mean she gets to be an insolent brat about it on someone else’s dime.

Perhaps im being thick, but isn't she just saying she doesn't want to go to the show and isn't a Christmas fan?

Is it within the realms of possibility that the show will be dull to her, or that she thinks it will?

Is Christmas in your house a bit worthy? Does she get gifts and experiences heaped on her but tempered immediately with frequent reminders to be grateful especially for the stuff she really doesn't want? Is any genuine facial expression or utterance that doesn't convey delight and gratitude met with immediate temmung off and a follow up lecture?

I can actively remember wishing not to receive any Christmas presents from extended family and parents friends because the gratitude and thankfulness pount was so laboured by my mother, no fleeting expression of horror confusion or perturbation was permitted and presents appeared to be, in my mother's mind, a vehicle for thank you letters (multiple drafts as they had to meet standards) and life lessons about being grateful.

I rather sympathise with your DD if you're constantly telling her to be grateful and then harping back to any slip ups in the Pollyanna positivity gratitude combo. I'd say cynicism and weariness are a fairly natural reaction.

It doesn't sound as though she's greedy or entitled at all - she's not asking for or expecting more presents is she?

How many times do people have to give up presents that they do want to do something that they don't want to do?

*telling not temmung

I think that would have got a "I beg your pardon" - ie think about what you said or tone you used to me.

And if it was repeated - oh well that's a relief we can save our money - it a jokey way and then deal with any reaction or ignore any none reaction.

I would still take her to the show - though I would be telling her again she's lucky and she would be doing a thank you card.

Maybe have a word with her teacher see if they have concerns about her - it's possible she just copying the attitude of some of her friends or perhaps she isn't looking forward to the show.

Honestly it could just be an end of term school morning so i wouldn't cancel shows or chirstmas.

She is six.
Cut her some. slack.

She s gone into into school with "you are spoilt " and perhaps even the sense that her mum doesn't like her much in her head... Will.be interesting to.see how her day goes ?

Don't let her get out of family outing.

Just ignore and let her know you/The cousins all going to the show end of.

If she behaves badly at the show she gets taken out and waits in the lobby.

It is natural when kids and adults do a lot of stuff to get less grateful, because it becomes normal, rather than a treat. So I can remember when going for a night out to the pub with friends was a big treat and I would really look forward to it. Now I go out 2 or 3 times a week. I still enjoy it a lot, but it does not feel like a treat, just normal.

If you want her to appreciate things as treats, then they need to be treats, not normal.

Maybe I should trade in some of dh's gifts and drag him to something I think he should do which is more worthy but which he has no interest in and then call him an insolent brat if he grumbles?

She’s tired and so are you. It’s that time of year. My six year old is the same.

Brush it off unless she’s throwing a proper tantrum. But be prepared to leave the show early/not go if she can’t be polite and behave on the day.

She’s only 6 stop indulging her behaviour and taking her comments to heart. If she has a strop give her a proper appropriate punishment immediately instead of a chat. She’s too small understand anything other than immediate consequences. You didn’t expect that level of empathy at that age.
You’re taking her comments far too seriously as well. Most kids are miserable sods at this time of year because they’re knackered from school. Stop forcing your expectations on her. Yes it’s disappointing that she’s not as excited about her present as you want her to be but that’s kids for you. My Dd is almost never impressed by stuff I think is brilliant but then will go mad over something ridiculous like a balloon as if it’s the best thing ever invented. They don’t get ‘experience presents’ at that age.

Okay, 6 is maybe a bit too young for volunteering... but I like Alphas idea for the Children’s shoe box.

Thanks everyone - the varied responses are echoing what’s going on in my head - basically should I crack down harshly on unwelcome behaviour or try to cut her some slack and take a more understanding approach?

To all the people who think I’ve diddled her out of presents, I really don’t think that’s her problem. I don’t think she has an expectation of ‘xmas = X number of parcels’

Anyway, I don’t know about anyone else’s kids, but I find that mine get SO MUCH (despite my best intentions) it would be hard for a six year old to keep track of exactly who got them what

Also, the kid didn't even mention the theatre or the show or not wanting to go. She sighed and said she didn't believe in Christmas.

The sigh might not even have been related to the conversation - it could have been as simple as not wanting to engage in conversation at that time in the morning.

She's 6.

Also I remember my mum telling me off for being spoilt. I just thought if I am spoiled, it is your fault not mine. She sounds intelligent, so I doubt telling her she is spoiled will achieve anything.

Some kids react well to long explanations of why what they are doing is wrong. Other kids don't and just turn off and ignore it. If the talks are not having the impact you want, then you need to find a way that works for your kid. Lots of people talk about finding methods of disciplining that works for parents, personally I think you need to find a way that works for the child you have.

Ps all aunts/uncles/cousins live differing degrees of very far away from us and we don’t get to see them often enough.

It’s just me, her dad and three-year-old brother who are supposed to be going to the show

Thanks everyone - the varied responses are echoing what’s going on in my head - basically should I crack down harshly on unwelcome behaviour or try to cut her some slack and take a more understanding approach?

Both.

You need to pick your battles. Have proper consequences for poor behaviour, but also know when to brush it off and ignore it.

It's just as problematic to be overly harsh on kids as it is to let them away with everything. You need to remember that she's only 6.

Also think back to when you were six. Did you appreciate how lucky or unlucky you were?

I think it's a shame that you didn't ask her what she meant by not believing in Christmas, and if I was you I'd be asking her later.

If she says "because I now get shit presents because you and the other adults are gits and done me out of parcels" then it's bratty and needs a chat.

If she says "because Billy told me Santa doesn't exist and I'm sad" or "because everyone just goes daft and I'm sick of hearing about it constantly" then that's a totally different kettle of fish.