I’ve accidentally raised a brat and I don’t know how to deal with it

[Babayaggatheboneylegged]

I’m at a loss over how to deal with my six-year-old daughter.

She’s been a ‘tricky’ character all her life. As in, not very amenable and not one for just getting on with things. If she’s unhappy about a situation, she makes it VERY clear. She can be really sweet and caring, but she is very stroppy, sometimes with a self-destructive streak. She’s usually prepared to cut off her nose to spite her face.

This year, we agreed with my husband’s siblings (most of whom also have kids) that we’d chip in and get one present for the dc from the collective aunties and uncles, to reduce the sheer amount of STUFF the kids get. I’m particularly in favour of this as we live in a small house, and I just don’t think my kids really need anything. I hate that Christmas ‘thing’ of getting stuff for the sake of it.

So my kids have got tickets to a show this weekend as their ‘aunties and uncles’ pressie. I mentioned it to DD this morning on the way to school, and she sighed loudly and moaned. Like it was this massive chore to her.

I was thinking, WTF? I said she needed to remember how lucky she is, how that was no way to behave when we’re talking about a gift someone has given her etc.

She turned to me and said, ‘well, I don’t believe in Christmas!’

As is often the case with dd, I didn’t actually know what to say in response to this.

As she was going into school, I asked her again, nicely, to remember how lucky she was and she replied with the ‘I don’t even believe in Christmas,’ thing again. I said it didn’t matter what she believed in, she was very lucky and shouldn’t be spoilt and ungrateful. And then she went into school.

I think she is spoilt. We take her lots of nice places, we have a big extended family who are all really generous to her and she wants for nothing. We’ve never been the kind of parents who give her everything she asks for. We do say ‘no’ to a lot of stuff.

But it’s clearly not enough. I’m just so disappointed.

And I don’t know how to address it.

Part of me is SERIOUSLY tempted to say, well if you don’t believe in Christmas, we won’t do it then. And give her presents away. But I know I’d never actually go through with it.

But is there anything I can do without resorting to this sort of nuclear option? I so don’t want to raise an entitled and ungrateful child. And yet here we are…

Has anyone out there successfully tackled an attitude problem like this? Is she likely to grow out of this kind of thing?

Can I recommend The Explosive Child? I have 2 children, one with a diagnosis of ASD, and one who is seriously stubborn!
The book doesn’t talk about diagnoses, but about your child’s behaviour and how best to work with them. It can be exhausting, but I am also proud that my kids can express how they feel, and we can manage busy periods of time by problem solving with them.
HTH

My son is 11 and is asd. He displays very difficult and manipulative behaviour and sometimes we find unable to deal with it. He is so strong willed and really intelligent with it. He can be charming and a horror in equal measure. When he digs his refusal heels in there is no changing his mind. I think such qualities will serve him well as an adult when he has the sense to balance it all up.

“Then she did the sniffy ‘well I don’t believe in xmas’ thing “

I honestly think you are overthinking all this. She is 6 and a drama queen. Her best friend comes from a family where Christmas isn’t celebrated and is quite possibly envious of all the Christmas present talk so says the “I don’t believe in Christmas “ line a lot, your Dd has picked it up as a position to ‘try out ‘, influenced by her friend.

She sounds wholly normal for a high drama 6 year old. You say she is happy to give her toys to charity etc.

There is no mercy to micro manage her response to everything.

Go to the show, have a great time, don’t Labour the point about how lucky she is all tne time, get her to take some happy selfies outside the theatre to send to the aunties and uncles, but in a joyful way not a duty laden ‘we need to be grateful’ way.

I’m glad you got some more measured responses instead of all the “burn her at the stake” comments. Your dd isn’t a brat. She sounds pretty cool actually.

I think you’re trying to do far more with your children than your dd possibly wants. Your dd and ds are in full time care. They need quality time with you rather than a string of experiences. Weekends should also be about family time, down days, snuggling on the sofa in front of films, playing alone etc. Young children like routines. They like doing the same thing over and over again. It makes them feel safe and helps them to understand the world. You are giving your children new and exciting experiences when actually they probably would rather go to the park and local soft play. This is also why young children like to go to the same place again and again on holiday - familiarity.

Of course I’m not saying never to do new and exciting things. However these should be what they are. Treats. One offs to be prepared for and get excited about.

Your dd didn’t react how she expected to the present. In expecting your dd to react in a certain way, you are making her responsible for your feelings. It’s good you’ve recognised that.

As for the big talks. Your dd is only 6. She’s far too little for that. I also don’t think she had a clue what you were talking about yesterday evening. You are expecting far too much of such a small child. She’s closer to a baby than a teen. She has so much to learn and her brain needs to develop a lot more for that. The prefrontal cortex is only half developed by 18 and yours is only 6!

My dd is 10 now. She is much more open to new experiences. She’s definitely changed dramatically over the last year and I’m starting to see a definite change in her attitude and interests. She’s started the road to independence, feels safer in the world and is more open to new experiences.

She sounds like me at 6.

Surely children of this age can feel grumpy (especially at this time of year) and not be self aware enough to know exactly why. She may have just said that to get a reaction so I think by responding the way you did op (although completely understand why you did; I have responded similarly in those situations) you are perhaps giving her stroppiness more weight than necessary. Does she even know what a show entails properly? She's not a brat! She's only six! Most aspects of a six year old's life are orchestrated for them. Maybe she is moaning more about that then the event itself ?

Why do you keep insisting that your six year old daughter is spoiled and a brat? What other examples of behaviour illustrate that she is anything other than an average six year old? You don't seem to have any empathy for her at all.

Sorry op I managed to miss an entire page of thread on this old tablet and posted that before I read the bit about her pranking you!

The bit about her going happily off to school and you stewing on it all day sounds very familiar to me

That’s the thing, lalalalyra, I think that there’s a sort of skill involved in not letting your disappointment show when you get the wrong sized slippers. I would always be more worried about offending or upsetting the giver, I wouldn’t want to give them the idea they had somehow got it ‘wrong’.

I appreciate that she is still very young, but it’s no bad thing to realise that it’s sometimes judicious to keep your true feelings to yourself, is it? I’m not even talking in relation to DDs reaction to the show this morning now, more in general terms.

I don't disagree in general terms, but it's also a good thing to realise that you can have an opinion, and with who you can express your true feelings with.

So if aunty Mary gives you slippers the wrong size for the 9th year in a row then absolutely you smile and say thank you to her. However, when you are talking to your partner, or in your DD's case your Mum, then why can't you sigh and be disappointed that she takes the time to get everyone else something they like or can wear, but not you?

Everyone is entitled to be pissed off sometimes, and it's important that while we have to teach our children manners we don't teach them that they are never allowed to not fancy something. Even if it's just in that moment, and there should absolutely be people that they can express that too.

You have to find the balance otherwise you just end up with a little girl frightened to express her true opinion on anything because she's solely focussed on the "right" reaction (the frightened child is me, I'm not suggesting your DD is scared of you at all!). That's no better than a bad mannered child, especially for the child.

Thanks to everyone who's said she sounds great. She mostly is!

Iloveautumnleaves she'd never said a word against raisins before - how was I to know?!

For those who think our life sounds like it's a whirlwind of shows, events and 'experiences', it's really not! I just think that compared to my own childhood (which was far from deprived, but set against the backdrop of a little, grey 1980s new town where nothing much ever happened) hers is incredible. Even going to our local market is pretty awesome, and it's just her everyday life. She has LOADS of time to just play with her toys, squabble with her brother, draw, watch telly, hang out with her friends or go to the park. And she is usually pretty excited when we've got an outing planned, which is why I was a bit 'oh!' when she moaned about the show.

I think my concerns about her being 'spoilt' and a 'brat' come from me worrying about her developing empathy for those less fortunate than herself. She is a really lucky kid (apart from having an EVIL mother who puts raisins in her treat bowl, obvs) and I don't want her to grow up lacking awareness of that. I meet SO many adults who take their good fortune for granted, and look down on those less materially well off, as if it's somehow their fault. I don't want my kids to turn out like that. I appreciate that she's only six and that's all waaaayy too much for her to understand now, but I don't think it hurts to start planting the seeds now?

I think we are all looking forward to the show now. To be honest, I'm not a massive fan of musicals, but I'm going to keep that to myself this weekend and plaster a smile on to display my gratitude to the outside world

She will develop empathy towards those less fortunate than herself through your example (absolutely the most important), from seeing that you get pleasure from helping those less fortunate than you, and from gradually being helped by you to find ways of making other people happy.

Not through being made to feel guilty about what she has or having the "starving children of Africa" rammed down her throat: that ime only breeds resentment. To be able to do good and be a good person, she needs to feel good about herself. You help her to do that, not by guilt-tripping her, but by teaching her tricks to be good.

Don't make it pointed, don't make her feel bad about a family situation she has no control over, just let her see that you are grateful for what you have, that it is an important part of your life to stand up for those less fortunate than you, and that you get enormous pleasure from anything she gives you or does for you- in other words, that it is in her power to give pleasure to others .

Punishments ime are good for individual acts of misbehaviour, but not for attitude. For that you have to lead by example. "My mum wouldn't have said that", "my dad wouldn't have thought like that" is a powerful influencer, sometimes long after that parent is dead and gone.

There is nothing you tell us about your daughter (apart from the relative affluence, which was probably less in our case) that couldn't have been said by or about my daughter at that age: yet she has grown up into a lovely and empathetic human being. And it is very clear how much she expects her best values also to be our values, and how shocked she was on an occasion where that did not appear to be the case (I was wrong, and had to revise my views).

She doesn't need to be made to.feel.guilty for having a trip and nor should you.

Just enjoy it. You can say "wow that was great we were so lucky to go see this " without it being a big deal of enforced Gratitude.

You can take her to volunteer when she older or right now you can drop off a present for a child _ our local shopping centre has a giving tree - or donate to.foodbank etc.

Take the advice above to read " how to talk so.kids will listen and listen... "

At 6 she's still learning many social skills and fine tuning others..it's an ongoing process, OP.

I'm still learning & I'm middle aged

She just needs it pointing out when it happens, which you are already doing.

You sound like a great mum to me, honestly. Our expectations are often higher with our PFBs than with their siblings. By the time your DS has reached the grand old age of 6, you'll know it's not outrageous, just part of a learning process.

Mine are considerably older, and the longer I'm a parent, the more I am aware that my expectations for my PFB were maybe a tad too high. Your daughter will & is turning out fine, I'm sure.

My eldest commented on something one of her siblings got away with the other day, saying (in jest) she'd have been in trouble for that. I told her, that parenting her was trial and error & all the others benefitted from all the mistakes I made with her . She's an adult now so saw the funny side.

Find me a 6 year old who isn't rude or ungrateful some of the time, probably even without meaning to be, and I'll eat the fairy lights.

she'd never said a word against raisins before - how was I to know?!

How was she to know you didn't know?

This is an example of an opportunity for a learning experience. You could use questions to help her work out that you didn't know and then explore a different way for her to express those emotions in the future. The process doesn't need to include punishment or criticism.

You need to move away from the idea that the behaviour you don't like means she is inadequate or unpleasant and just focus on helping her learn what other people might be thinking or feeling.

I’m frazzled with them and work and running all over town and remembering the dates and times of the xmas shows and what the school’s bloody fancy dress theme is this week and sometimes we do all snap.

Just try to remember that all of these things will be having an impact on her too, possibly quite a negative one.