I’ve accidentally raised a brat and I don’t know how to deal with it

[Babayaggatheboneylegged]

I’m at a loss over how to deal with my six-year-old daughter.

She’s been a ‘tricky’ character all her life. As in, not very amenable and not one for just getting on with things. If she’s unhappy about a situation, she makes it VERY clear. She can be really sweet and caring, but she is very stroppy, sometimes with a self-destructive streak. She’s usually prepared to cut off her nose to spite her face.

This year, we agreed with my husband’s siblings (most of whom also have kids) that we’d chip in and get one present for the dc from the collective aunties and uncles, to reduce the sheer amount of STUFF the kids get. I’m particularly in favour of this as we live in a small house, and I just don’t think my kids really need anything. I hate that Christmas ‘thing’ of getting stuff for the sake of it.

So my kids have got tickets to a show this weekend as their ‘aunties and uncles’ pressie. I mentioned it to DD this morning on the way to school, and she sighed loudly and moaned. Like it was this massive chore to her.

I was thinking, WTF? I said she needed to remember how lucky she is, how that was no way to behave when we’re talking about a gift someone has given her etc.

She turned to me and said, ‘well, I don’t believe in Christmas!’

As is often the case with dd, I didn’t actually know what to say in response to this.

As she was going into school, I asked her again, nicely, to remember how lucky she was and she replied with the ‘I don’t even believe in Christmas,’ thing again. I said it didn’t matter what she believed in, she was very lucky and shouldn’t be spoilt and ungrateful. And then she went into school.

I think she is spoilt. We take her lots of nice places, we have a big extended family who are all really generous to her and she wants for nothing. We’ve never been the kind of parents who give her everything she asks for. We do say ‘no’ to a lot of stuff.

But it’s clearly not enough. I’m just so disappointed.

And I don’t know how to address it.

Part of me is SERIOUSLY tempted to say, well if you don’t believe in Christmas, we won’t do it then. And give her presents away. But I know I’d never actually go through with it.

But is there anything I can do without resorting to this sort of nuclear option? I so don’t want to raise an entitled and ungrateful child. And yet here we are…

Has anyone out there successfully tackled an attitude problem like this? Is she likely to grow out of this kind of thing?

I think its a discussion to make her appreciate her actions. No show is very harsh and an overreaction IMO (and my parenting style is on the stricter side!)

Mine are 7 and have turned into a complete nightmare the last few days, they are stroppy, over tired and over excited with all the stuff going on.

They've got tickets to two things this year, one from mil and one from us. We have wrapped the tickets with a token present associated with them.

is her I don't believe in christmas a response to having found out about father Christmas and not being ready to deal with it yet?

I think you can take the nuclear option. There's no reason she has to go, if she doesn't want it. If you think there's a realistic chance that she will maintain her strop up to and perhaps during the show too, spoiling it for everyone else, then I would have no qualms about leaving her out.
I am a bit of a humbug about the massive deal Christmas has become, and there is a huge expectation that it is complete magic for children, when often it is disappointment and anticlimax.
Leave her out, show her you mean what you say, it is a life lesson.
If you can leave her with GPs or a babysitter, and when the rest of the family ask where she is, just say DD wasn't excited about the opportunity to see the show and spend time with her family, so is staying at home so she doesn't spoil it for everyone else. Then have fun, deal with the fallout later. She shouldn't dictate things for everyone.
By the length of this post, can you guess I also have a DD who is sometimes a bit of a pita?!

She stroppy and tired and trying to wind you up to get a rise from you. I find a Merry ‘that’s a shame because I love christmas’ and then change the subject and ignore the strip goes a v long way.

7 year olds say ridiculous stuff. Save going nuclear for the dealbreakers.

NotAnotherJaffaCake I’d say there is a lot going on. We take her to lots of lovely places (we live in London so there’s always a lot on.

Last weekend we were babysitting a friends daughter, so I took them to the pictures and to the Rainforest cafe as a treat.

I’m definitely more inclined to be indulgent with outings than toys or whatever.

But I’m worried we’ve created a monster.

I would take a deep breath, count to 10 and tell yourself that child-rearing is work in progress. Something she said does not define her as a person for ever after or provide the final verdict on your parenting.

But it might be worth finding out why she said it. Was she perhaps not keen on the show? Or was she just feeling tired and in a bad mood at that particular moment and it came out as "oh, I don't really want to do this social thing, even though it is meant for my enjoyment"? (Hand on heart, OP, have you never done that yourself? Ever?)

Could it be that she is feeling under too much pressure to feel grateful, that being reminded of the people who (totally outside of her control) don't have what she has makes her feel guilty and resentful of feeling guilty?

If I were you, I would step away. Just manage her socially at the moment, making sure she says the right things to her aunt and uncle. For the rest, jolly her along and remind her that often we don't feel like things but then they turn out they are really good.

She trusts you, and that also means being able to blow off steam at times, without having her whole character judged.

Personally, I don't feel much like going to the staff do atm. That doesn't mean that I am a monstrous being who has no sympathy with the suffering of the homeless: it just means I don't much feel like going to the staff do.

She’s only 6. As a people pleaser so you expect her to always express gratitude even if you don’t feel it is genuine?

Personally I hate that in kids - thank you s which are robotic.

Better to teach your children to be empathetic and then the manners come naturally.

As you admit you're not hot on consequences, then I don't think that Christmas is the time to start with a harsh punishment and excluding her from a family activity.

It's also not immediate enough. It won't mean to her except reinforce "how mean you are" to her.

I wonder if she hasn't grasped or doesn't quite want to believe this is the gift she and her cousins are getting from extended family, and there won't be a pile of presents from aunties and uncles this year, hence the bravado.

I would however, in particular with a 6 year old, laugh a lot of what she says off, especially when she is saying things for a reaction which is how I would interpret the Christmas statement.
Agree with this ^^.
(See she has also discovered the tactical power of getting the last word in, just before going into class).

I wouldn't have raised it again before she went into school.
The outing is from her aunts and uncles to fine to go on and all ch will say thank you.
We always had a few presents from Father Christmas and some from us.
So ask ch what they'd like from Santa if she doesn't believe she doesn't have to join in.

I'm with your dd. You screwed her out of opening gifts so she can go to something she has no interest in.

I would just have said, ‘Oh dear.’ in a neutral disinterested tone. Don’t rise to the strops, she’s six.

Don’t turn the show into a ‘thing’ either. Get up on the morning of the show ‘Today we’re doing blah, then having blah for lunch then going to see Puss in Boots,’ or whatever.
She might say ‘I hate Puss in Boots.’
You reply ‘Oh what a shame. Eat your weetabix.’
Take the heat of it. Model gratitude and nice manners, she’ll get there without it being a battle.

She's not remotely monstrous. Perhaps you are a bit tired at this time of year, and you also do a lot of activities with her- I've noticed that kids that do a lot of stuff do get less grateful often because they are actually tired out and want to stay home!

At 6, using hyperbolic statements is normal! (I hate you being another fairly typical one).

Maybe she's just feeling a bit overwhelmed and is too busy. Maybe she just wants a weekend off. I know she's only 6 but with my kids they love being busy as long as it's balanced with some pottering quiet home time.
As a bit of an introvert and over thinker myself I also appreciate going out but love to "just be" too.
She's only 6 and I think you noticing her behaviour is enough evidence that you're a great Mum.

I’m not particularly invested in whether she believes in Christmas or Santa or whatever. For context, we are atheists but do the Santa thing cos it’s fun and I enjoyed it as a kid.

Do you not think it's important to find out what she means by doesn't believe in it so that you know what she enjoys?

I think a lot of adults forget that this is an exhausting time of year for kids. School is manic, tv and adults are all full of "better behave or santa won't come" and the weather is shit so they get out to play less. Talk to her. It might be something as simple as being utterly fed up of Christmas - my 8yo announced yesterday he'd like Christmas cancelled because everything in school "even maths" is christmas related atm and it's just too much for him.

Normally when she strops, we tell her off initially, which usually sends her deeper into the strop.

She's 6. They pretty much all get huffy whend told off. What do you do other than just talking to her though? What consequences does she have for being bratty?

She might say ‘I hate Puss in Boots.’
You reply ‘Oh what a shame. Eat your weetabix.’

How I laughed at this. The memories...

‘Out of it’. Should preview.

At the time when she's having a little whinge, I'd just brush it off really casually and almost ignore what she's said. Or in response to the eye roll and moan, a brisk "be polite, remember" then immediate subject change.

My DS (also 6) sometimes says ridiculous things and I just know he's saying them to test the effect. I wonder if the big telling off and then the big talking to when she has a small strop could be feeding it - like it adds to the drama of it all for her and if she's feeling grumpy (which could be caused by anything!), she just pushes your buttons to validate her grump and invite the drama/attention.

How many adults would fare at all well if all their treats and pleasures were cancelled because once in a while we uttered, in private and to a trusted confidant, that we didn't really fancy a particular treat?

I was a reasonably strict parent, and not at all averse to punishments if I felt they were warranted, but I would not hold a 6-year-old to higher standards of behaviour than I would hold myself. And I couldn't cope with being thought a monster or have major treats cancelled because of the occasional grumbling: I just need someone to tell me to stop grumbling.

She might say ‘I hate Puss in Boots.’
You reply ‘Oh what a shame. Eat your weetabix.’

THIS.

What are you doing on Christmas Day? I’d get her to a homeless shelter serving food!

Do most six year olds think going to a show is a better xmas gift than stuff? Probably not.

If you have always found her 'tricky' I think you need to look deeper. My son was always a perfect child at school and 'tricky' at home. I went on countless parenting courses , read books etc. We finally worked out he has Aspergers - it was not even obvious to his teachers. A huge part of the problem was he was either not understanding what I said or he was being very literal or stating a fact. With Aspergers children's senses get overloaded - they might find going to a noisy performance stressful. Or might just prefer to stay at home. Before my son's diagnosis - I would also have gotten upset by such a comment as I don't believe in Christmas...but then he would get puzzled as to why I would be upset. Now I realise he is just stating a fact. He also doesn't point with his finger, and doesn't get pointing. A general comment of move that over there ...sed to result in him doing nothing as he tried to work out what I meant.
Most people think of Aspergers as no or little eye contact etc - but there is a huge spectrum. Asperger girls in particular often have brilliant eye contact but there are still other Asperger traits there.
This video might help you.

I think she should go to the show.

But maybe next year, instead of doing lots of 'stuff' how about doing more relaxing at home? Letting her just play with her toys (you say she gets lots because of family anyway).

Maybe her life is just too busy? And all 6 year-olds are overtired and overexcited at this time of year. 'Believing' or not.

What are you doing on Christmas Day? I’d get her to a homeless shelter serving food!

She's 6 for goodness sake. Her attitudes and emotions aren't fully formed yet and are mostly down to upbringing! What do you think the above would achieve?