It's not acceptable to turn up at Xmas do, without a gift for one dc. How to word this in email!

[Zevitevitchofcwsmas]

I hope I don't seem grabby. I'm sure some posters will think this is grabby!

Last Xmas we went to dh dp for Xmas drinks etc before the big day. Dh sister walked in laden with gifts and my then 5 year old went running up to her, and shyly asked if she had a gift for her...

Dh dsis said simply 'no, I made a mistake with it'. That was it.

I know she can do what she wants, spend her money on what she wants, but it did upset me.
My dd looked crest fallen and it took the edge off the night for her. At some point she was told to share a book much older dd was given by aunt.

It upset me because Mil and fil always let us know how well sil is doing and how much disposable income her and her partner have. Ie they can buy cameras that cost more than 5 grand etc.

I know this will might make me sound bitter and hand on heart, in my life my family have had, lost, had money. I'm not envious of sil at all. I do want to make it clear I'm not critiquing a struggling lone parent with no spare income.

Pils want dc over again and I'm at a loss of how to say, sure that's lovely... However, can we avoid a repeat of last when.... Sil came in laden with gifts and nothing for one dc.

Relations are very low between us all, so it's not so much fear of offending more, how to circumnavigate any excuses pils will come up with. In the past fil will say things like.. Ah yes but if you hadn't x. And it's perfectly normal..

Personally, I could never ever do that to a child. My dc are the only dc in the family. I've run out and grabbed 'something' to give many unexpected guests in my time!
Any ideas on how to be clear its damaging for dc self esteem, etc...

Just so I’ve got this right, she bought presents for everyone except one of your children?

Your poor daughter! That woman sounds horrible.

How many DC do you have, you mention an older one that did get a gift - is that right?

No one owes your child a present.

I’d spend less time whining about it and more time teaching her it’s rude to expect and ASK for gifts from people. But then it’s clear where she gets this attitude from...

She bought gifts for your other DC, am I right? How utterly bizarre and unkind to miss out one child.
I'm not sure you should be telling your PIL to sort this issue out, though. It's your SIL you need to communicate with.

Sorry, meant to say that I see this wasn't Christmas Day itself so did a gift ever appear at all?

So SIL didn’t make it up to your DD later?

I’m not sure you can say anything to PIL - presumably SIL is an adult? Your PIL have nothing to do with that gift situation.

This is the year to make stay at home plans? No way put you /dd through that again. . How bloody awful.

Her and dh agreed years ago not to buy for each other.

I don't buy for her and she doesn't buy for me.

Over the years we get very sparodic small gifts for dd 1. For dd 2 she has given her two books, in 6 years covering bday and Xmas.

This doesn't really bother me as dd don't notice over bday lack of card etc but it's obviously unavoidable with her standing there, laden with gifts and nothing for one dd.

(the gifts turned out to be large portraits of herself for the pils)

Hmmm if I tried to get someone a present and there had been a fuck up with it, and they then ran up to me the minute I came in asking for a present I'd maybe be a bit peeved.

I don't really think you should send an email it makes you seem a bit precious.

To clarify, your SIL gave one of your children something but not the other?

I'd definitely not drag your PiL into this. Your beef is with your SiL.

Plus - it’s your DH’s sister. If anyone needs to speak it’s those two, nit you and PIL!

You cannot change other people but you can encourage and assist your child to deal with these things - teach her it’s a shame when someone makes a mistake, but everyone does sometimes. Give her aunt the benefit of the doubt. Her self-esteem won’t be damaged by not getting a gift one time.

Unless there’s a massive backstory...

Slow I must admit I am from the point of view we don't expect gifts either and normally my dc don't. They are very very good like that. But this was when she was 5 and she was so excited to see auntie laden with gifts. I think the excitement got to her.

We don't really talk to sil. The problem is, from what the way she said she didn't have a gift, kind of told me she also didn't care much. She was very casual about it and didn't seem to notice dd face.

Sorry, cross posted!

(I know this misses the point completely, but she gave her parents portraits of herself for Christmas??)

Maybe you need to pity the ils regarding their gift!!?

X-post with the backstory

Little girl is 5 and excited. She hasn't acquired any type of attitude. It's about being fair and not leaving one person out.

Op, could you gently suggest to SiL that no gifts are exchanged? Saves people time, effort and money really.

Wips I agree but she's five. No present ever appeared either!

There is back story in that gifts have always been sparodic and nothing much for dd2 especially but as I said up thread... At other points they never notice.

Does it really matter if gifts have been sporadic if it hasn’t been noticed? I only buy small things for nieces and nephews because they get loads. I’ve still got a great relationship with them.

Get your Dh to speak to her-two presents or none. One present (unless joint) isn’t fine.

Just explain then that Aunt X isn’t really in to presents so if there is a gift it will be a lovely surprise but don’t be upset if she forgets. Explain that she and Daddy never give each other presents either, so it’s no big deal, we’ll have a nice day anyway.

Who is she bringing the gifts fo?. Maybe your DH (not you) needs to phone her up (not email, not text) before Christmas & say something like, ‘just to clarify we won’t be exchanging gifts this year, and don’t worry about getting anything for the children’, better to have no gifts than some for some people and not others I would think?

Dh and I won't be there this time, this will be shortly after Xmas. Dds will go to pils and it's highly likely sil will be there. If we were going it would be easier to call it out.

Dh family are not great really, sil is a bit of a golden child and Is allowed to get away with all sorts. Dh isn't valued as much.

I just don't want dd 2 to have to go through that again.

Can you send a hint to SIL? "If you're stuck for ideas for DD this year, she would like X?" Sounds grabby but it'll get the message across maybe?