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Original poster

It's not acceptable to turn up at Xmas do, without a gift for one dc. How to word this in email!

160 replies

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 17:51

I hope I don't seem grabby. I'm sure some posters will think this is grabby!

Last Xmas we went to dh dp for Xmas drinks etc before the big day. Dh sister walked in laden with gifts and my then 5 year old went running up to her, and shyly asked if she had a gift for her...

Dh dsis said simply 'no, I made a mistake with it'. That was it.

I know she can do what she wants, spend her money on what she wants, but it did upset me.
My dd looked crest fallen and it took the edge off the night for her. At some point she was told to share a book much older dd was given by aunt.

It upset me because Mil and fil always let us know how well sil is doing and how much disposable income her and her partner have. Ie they can buy cameras that cost more than 5 grand etc.

I know this will might make me sound bitter and hand on heart, in my life my family have had, lost, had money. I'm not envious of sil at all. I do want to make it clear I'm not critiquing a struggling lone parent with no spare income.

Pils want dc over again and I'm at a loss of how to say, sure that's lovely... However, can we avoid a repeat of last when.... Sil came in laden with gifts and nothing for one dc.

Relations are very low between us all, so it's not so much fear of offending more, how to circumnavigate any excuses pils will come up with. In the past fil will say things like.. Ah yes but if you hadn't x. And it's perfectly normal..

Personally, I could never ever do that to a child. My dc are the only dc in the family. I've run out and grabbed 'something' to give many unexpected guests in my time!
Any ideas on how to be clear its damaging for dc self esteem, etc...

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 10/12/2018 18:37

I’m shocked people are trying to make out a little five year old is at fault here!

I would not allow mine to go without me if the IL’s have a history of sidelining one dc.

It’s galling for a little kid to sit and watch as everyone else gets presents, it’s not grabby or entitled at all.

I wouldn’t let my dc go without either you or your DH there. And before going your DH needs to tell them to not do presents for either dc and that they can exchange gifts before or after you’ve all left.

It’s just plain nasty leaving out one dc, she could have picked up a box of selections or something for her no big deal and no breaking the bank.

FairyFace · 10/12/2018 18:41

I wouldn't send them , they don't sound like they value your kids either! My pils did this one year, came along with one ride on police car for dd who was 6 at the time, and nothing for ds who was 3, it was obviously a boys toy and he was too small to go on it, I was gobsmacked they would get him nothing, he was bawling his eyes out wanting to play on it but it was motorized and he was too small. went to dsis in law's a day later and there is her two ds's with the same police car, one each! I was fuming, they literally left my ds out, no mention of him at all, it was so fucking awkward with him trying to climb on it and dd trying to tear off around the kitchen and they sitting their smiling into my face. Sorry you don't do that to kids. If they had even came along with a teddy for him.

missnevermind · 10/12/2018 18:42

I would send a message saying. PILs have said you might see the girls after Christmas, it would be easier after last years difficulty’s getting DD2 her gift just to send them both a card with your love instead.

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Events & celebrations Families

AcrossthePond55 · 10/12/2018 18:45

I'm confused as to whom exactly SiL was 'laden with gifts' for. You've mentioned he pictures for your iLs and a book for your DD1. Were there other people there for whom she brought gifts?

I really don't think you can tell people who (and who not) to give gifts to. Granted, she's not being very nice to your DDs. You could tell her not to get either of them gifts, but not say 'get both or none'.

Perfectly1mperfect · 10/12/2018 18:47

Don't send an email. Don't send your children to a place where basically one gets left out. Sounds awful.

Ellie56 · 10/12/2018 18:51

Why do you even spend time with this awful woman?

PawneeParksDept · 10/12/2018 18:54

I am childless and on certain things thoughtless

I have NEVER not ever, given to one child and not another unless birthdays

This includes my godchildrens siblings,and on occasion, my best friends DCs half sistee on Easter's/Christmas when I knew she'd be there.

I have an Aunt who is in some respects rather cold, and even SHE if she had brought gifts, wouldn't give gifts out if she arrived to find an unexpected friend of ours visiting.

It is nasty and some people are minimising.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/12/2018 18:55

Do you think this was malice on her part, or some kind of compulsive repeating of patterns of her own childhood (you say the parents treated her and your H very differently)? Or do you think she is so utterly uninterested in you and your family that she had forgotten you have two children?

howrudeforme · 10/12/2018 18:57

Well from child’s POV not nice to see gifts bestowed but not to her. Excluding.

Jux · 10/12/2018 18:59

She sounds like she is reliving the favoured vs unfavourd child dynamic, which ishow she was brought up?

I would say no gifts for chldren at all then. They'll have others from everyone else so may not even notice.

Btw, it's sporadic. Sorry

BlancheM · 10/12/2018 19:02

That's unfortunate she got caught out but she can go into her own parents' house with presents at Christmas! She wouldn't have been expecting someone to go up and ask her for a present and get it casual so no one was mortified.
You seem disproportionately hung up on it. Teach your DD not to ask people for presents, I'm sure you make sure she doesn't go without.

BlancheM · 10/12/2018 19:03

Kept it casual*

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 10/12/2018 19:05

The gifts for her parents turned out to be large portraits of herself Seriously ?
Could she be overcompensating with her DPs because she's jealous of your DD? I may be projecting here from my "dahling" SIL who never remembers DC2 birthday (same day as hers!) but sends stroppy texts if we have the temerity to forget to send her a card

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/12/2018 19:07

Missing out one DN?

Giving her mum and dad big whacking portraits of herself?

What a belter.

Christ.

Zucker · 10/12/2018 19:11

Don't send them. You'll all be happier for it.

LostInShoebiz · 10/12/2018 19:16

PurpleDaisies did you mean to be so rude?

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 10/12/2018 19:23

What did PurpleDaisies say that was rude?

LostInShoebiz · 10/12/2018 19:25

If she’s childless and a bit thoughtless she may not have realised why this was a terrible thing to do.

More than a bit thoughtless. You don’t have to be sprogged up to know that buying a gift for everyone but one person - a child no less- is not on.

itscalledwineflu · 10/12/2018 19:27

Have I got this correct ?
So Sil brought portraits of herself as presents?
Dd asked have you got me a gift auntie she said no and didn't even seam bothered that she hadn't got her 5 year old niece a gift a Christmas?
You don't normally buy gifts is that right or Sil didn't know niece was going to be there ? But even if she didn't you'd still feel bad for saying no to a little girl well I would anyway.
Can I ask why you didn't say anything at the time or even later why have you waited 12 months ?

EssentialHummus · 10/12/2018 19:31

That was my post lost (and others) - I had the experience as a child of some young, childless adults not buying gifts for only me in similar circs to the OP. At the time it hurt me very deeply. As an adult I now realise that they were young and possibly didn't think through the implications of what they were doing (or didn't think "Hold on, when I give x his present y will be there, and I don't have anything for her"). And tbh now that I'm a parent I'm much more sensitive to that kind of thing - doesn't mean that everyone else without kids is clueless but I was a bit, and I can see how behaviour like this can happen without malice.

LostInShoebiz · 10/12/2018 19:38

Then my sincerest apologies to PurpleDaisies.

You’ve now made your point in a slightly more nuanced way which suggests people who are young and gauche might make such a faux pas. It’s not really anything to do with childlessness is it though? As a PP very rightly said, the aunt, as a former child with a sibling, could be expected to understand how a child in that position would have felt and not acted in such a way.

BlancheM · 10/12/2018 19:42

Not acted in what way though? This is a family who aren't in the habit of buying each other presents, as OP says, none of them bother save for a few odd times over the years when one DD has received a present.
OP clearly finds the self-portrait giving SIL distasteful and she doesn't care for PIL either. This is all a non event in the grand scheme of things and should have been tackled at the time or not at all.

LostInShoebiz · 10/12/2018 19:44

I completely agree it’s a non-event. I’d be willing to take it at face value that she made a mistake. I’ve done it before. Absolutely certain I’d bought for everyone then realised at the last minute there was an omission. No malice and other than embarrassment on my part, no serious harm done.

Original poster

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 19:48

acrossthepond

She had what turned out to be a large close up portrait of herself, pretty much another bag full of photo gifts of herself and her partner... Calender, mouse mat, mugs I think... And some booze.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 19:49

Fairy face that's awful 😢. How did you address this the following year?

OP posts:

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