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Original poster

It's not acceptable to turn up at Xmas do, without a gift for one dc. How to word this in email!

160 replies

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 17:51

I hope I don't seem grabby. I'm sure some posters will think this is grabby!

Last Xmas we went to dh dp for Xmas drinks etc before the big day. Dh sister walked in laden with gifts and my then 5 year old went running up to her, and shyly asked if she had a gift for her...

Dh dsis said simply 'no, I made a mistake with it'. That was it.

I know she can do what she wants, spend her money on what she wants, but it did upset me.
My dd looked crest fallen and it took the edge off the night for her. At some point she was told to share a book much older dd was given by aunt.

It upset me because Mil and fil always let us know how well sil is doing and how much disposable income her and her partner have. Ie they can buy cameras that cost more than 5 grand etc.

I know this will might make me sound bitter and hand on heart, in my life my family have had, lost, had money. I'm not envious of sil at all. I do want to make it clear I'm not critiquing a struggling lone parent with no spare income.

Pils want dc over again and I'm at a loss of how to say, sure that's lovely... However, can we avoid a repeat of last when.... Sil came in laden with gifts and nothing for one dc.

Relations are very low between us all, so it's not so much fear of offending more, how to circumnavigate any excuses pils will come up with. In the past fil will say things like.. Ah yes but if you hadn't x. And it's perfectly normal..

Personally, I could never ever do that to a child. My dc are the only dc in the family. I've run out and grabbed 'something' to give many unexpected guests in my time!
Any ideas on how to be clear its damaging for dc self esteem, etc...

OP posts:
Troels · 11/12/2018 07:29

If you and Dh are too uncomfortable to go there with them, please don't send the children without you to watch over them.
They really don't need a relationship with people who don't give a toss about them. Kids aren't stupid they pick up on inequalities and their parents being treated badly.
Sending them there, makes it look like you are OK with being treated badly and that it is normal. It's not normal, stop telling your kids it is.

yikesanotherbooboo · 11/12/2018 07:29

I don't think it is possible to word an email in any way that won't offend or reflect badly on you. SIL sounds very thoughtless if everyone got a present apart from one 5 year old. If she only got presents for her parents I don't particularly see that it was a massive faux pas more that it was tactless. This sort of thing can easily happen and I would say to DD ; 'silly old sil' didn't realise you would be here ' or something similar.
I would have forgotten the incident within 5 minutes.

MarthasGinYard · 11/12/2018 07:31

As for 'word this in an email'

Nooooo

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations Families
Juells · 11/12/2018 07:37

HRTFT.

I'm shocked that a five-year-old would ask an adult if she had a present for her. Anyway, don't presents usually go under the tree for distribution later? I just can't picture a situation in which I'd have accepted either of my children doing that with a relative stranger.

LanaorAna2 · 11/12/2018 07:40

Teaching your DCs presents don't matter that much is better than teaching them to have a screaming row with family when one small present gets missed off the list.

Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 11/12/2018 07:43

Juelles my oldest has never ever asked anyone, and my youngest only once ever when she saw sil carrying everything.

If it was an issue or she always badgers people, of course we would say something but asking one person once.. In 6 years.... Meh.

OP posts:
sackrifice · 11/12/2018 07:46

Can I ask why your husband hasn't tackled this already?

And why will you send them into this toxic environment without you?

tempester28 · 11/12/2018 07:46

I don't think you should send them without you being there. It can happen that an aunt will forget one child if there are many. But in that situation (in our family) you would quickly rustle up a present somehow! But if the grandparents aren't on board with that type of thinking then I would not send kids there. What should happen is your DH says to his mum " can you make sure both DC get a present or neither" and then she can tactfully say to her daughter that her dn will be over on so and so day....

Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 11/12/2018 07:47

Lanor it's teaching more than that though when one sibling opens gift and the other one is sat there. If she'd done it to the older one, who understands it would have been far easier to laugh it off, and not worry about it. The 5 year old has little understanding. Can't teach presents don't matter when her sister is opening one in front of her [
Confused

OP posts:
oh4forkssake · 11/12/2018 07:47

First, she sounds like a horrible person. Second, I never understand on MN why parents encourage children to have relationships with people who are horrible to them. If your PIL are not kind to you and DH, just don't see them, and don't let your children either! I role model how I want my children to behave and treat people, and I won't deliberately expose them to people who are unpleasant to me.

Your poor DD.....sounds like she did brilliantly last year. People here seem to forget that five year olds aren't adults - she didn't kick off, she didn't throw a tantrum, she did her best in a simultaneously exciting and disappointing situation. She sounds like a lovely wee girl.

Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 11/12/2018 07:48

Just to be clear, it's a tiny family.

My dc are the only small dc in it. Dh has two cousins, in late 20. 1 aunt and pils.

OP posts:
tempester28 · 11/12/2018 07:49

Assuming the grandparents are looking after them when they are there it is down to them to make sure they get treated fairly and have a nice time.

Juells · 11/12/2018 07:50

It was mean of SiL not to have brought a present - and when asked she could have pretended she did have one, and rush out to get something. But if your SiL doesn't have children she may not understand or like them. Not everyone is good with children.

Betsy86 · 11/12/2018 07:52

Sorry but portraits of herself made me spit coffee everywhere Grin
She was out of order last year get them both a little gift or nothing.
Happened to my dd last year in a slightly different way though we had gift giving then someone got out a huge sack of sweets etc another relative on there side had bought for the kids on her side. I would of either split these fairly or left the sack at my own house/car if not possible but instead every other kid had armfuls of extra items and dd had none. Was just her little face warching it all unfold was sad so i understand how you feel op your 5 yr old must of felt hurt.

Feefeetrixabelle · 11/12/2018 07:56

Talk to your older dd. Explain to her that when sil misses your younger child out it upsets her and it’s not a kind way to treat her. So this year if sil buys just for her you’d like to give the presents back so your both Treated equally. Say you’ll get her a present to cover the missed one and if she takes it in good grace she will get an extra special present. Then bribe her with whatever it is she is always desperate for

ImportantWater · 11/12/2018 08:01

My youngest sister is quite sporadic in her gift giving and has been known on a few occasions to turn up for Christmas laden with presents for the adults but with nothing for the kids. I have wondered about it but she is lovely and thoughtful in many ways so assumed it was a money thing and she wasn’t keen on buying for 5 children when she had none herself (although they would have been happy with a pound shop sweetie bag). However if she had bought for one of my kids and not the other I would def have said something quietly to her, asked her why, and been pretty miffed.

EvaHarknessRose · 11/12/2018 08:01

Make her a joke to them ‘you know how christmas is about giving, not receiving, and how aunty x can’t seem to remember how many people are in our family - well whoever gets left out this year gets this toblerone’. And stop going there if I were you.

lazymare · 11/12/2018 08:09

HRTFT. I'm shocked that a five-year-old would ask an adult if she had a present for her. Anyway, don't presents usually go under the tree for distribution later?

F F S

Mix56 · 11/12/2018 08:09

Your DH, could go round & give his parents a couple of bags of golden coins, & say to please hand them to DD2 should she be left out again so as not to draw out the dynamic into another generation

jessstan2 · 11/12/2018 08:24

I feel sorry for the little one, it all seems quite odd to me.
I'd have thought all the kids would have got a present, even a small gift would do.

However I'm not sure I understand the dynamics here.

Don't dwell on it, it's not worth worrying about.

MinorRSole · 11/12/2018 08:24

Can't get my head around the shock at a 5 year old asking if she had a present! She's 5, if my niece or nephew asked me that I wouldn't mind one bit - I'm sure they probably have. Difference is I always have 1 for them because I'm not a heartless cow who goes around upsetting children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/12/2018 08:25

Feefeetrix
I was just about to say the same thing.

Tell your 12 yo you will have a little present for her and her younger sister so neither will miss out. But please don’t let your children go alone in this toxic environment especially at Christmas. I also like the message suggested to your sil. You may be in for a lot of flack for it though.

Willow2017 · 11/12/2018 08:28

Yet again some spoiled selfish person deliberately misses out a 5 yr old at xmas but all posters see is a poor womsn who 'forgot' her brother has 2 kids and a terrible child who dared to.ask if one of the presents in a pile brought for the family was for her.

Fgs she was an excited 5yr old.
Sil swoops in brandishing presents for 'everyone' of course she is excited.
Sil didnt forget. She has been excluding this child for years.
Nobody thinks its ok to give one child a present and not another.
Pil are just as bad making a fuss over one book for one dd when sil didnt get the other dd anythng.

Op i really dont think you are doing your kids any favours with them having a relationship with thier gps. The family dynamics sound awful and why would you want them to have a relationship with people who treat your dh so appallingly. Wgo knows what they are saying to your dds when you are not there

I wouldnt go near any of them.with a barge pole. No relationshio is better than a toxic one. Your poor kids are being treated exactly the same way your dh and sil was. They showed this very plainly when they raved about ine dds present without pulling sil up.on not buying the other dd anything.
One favoured one excluded. Its all wrong.

EtVoilaBrexit · 11/12/2018 08:33

I find itit totally normal for a 5yo to ask where is her resent when she has seen all the other children there getting one.
It IS a faut question.
Adults who say they would have felt uncomfortable if the child had asked a question like that and they had forgotten/had an issue with the gift etc... SHOUKD feel uncomfortable. Making it the fault of the child isn’t acceptable in my book. There was always a way to solve that issue starting with a BIG apology to the child and trying to make up for it.

OP it looks like the SIL is using your dcs to get at you one way or the other.
How is your SIL around your ur dcs when you are not There? Is it more or less likely that she is going to behave badly again and hurt one of your dc?
Seeing that it’s nitbthe first time it happened, I wouod think twice about sending the dcs wo you been there.
You might also want a discussion with your DH about contact with your SIL and how to handle her/her behaviour.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/12/2018 08:34

@willow2017 for president!

Your post in bang on