It's not acceptable to turn up at Xmas do, without a gift for one dc. How to word this in email!

[Zevitevitchofcwsmas]

I hope I don't seem grabby. I'm sure some posters will think this is grabby!

Last Xmas we went to dh dp for Xmas drinks etc before the big day. Dh sister walked in laden with gifts and my then 5 year old went running up to her, and shyly asked if she had a gift for her...

Dh dsis said simply 'no, I made a mistake with it'. That was it.

I know she can do what she wants, spend her money on what she wants, but it did upset me.
My dd looked crest fallen and it took the edge off the night for her. At some point she was told to share a book much older dd was given by aunt.

It upset me because Mil and fil always let us know how well sil is doing and how much disposable income her and her partner have. Ie they can buy cameras that cost more than 5 grand etc.

I know this will might make me sound bitter and hand on heart, in my life my family have had, lost, had money. I'm not envious of sil at all. I do want to make it clear I'm not critiquing a struggling lone parent with no spare income.

Pils want dc over again and I'm at a loss of how to say, sure that's lovely... However, can we avoid a repeat of last when.... Sil came in laden with gifts and nothing for one dc.

Relations are very low between us all, so it's not so much fear of offending more, how to circumnavigate any excuses pils will come up with. In the past fil will say things like.. Ah yes but if you hadn't x. And it's perfectly normal..

Personally, I could never ever do that to a child. My dc are the only dc in the family. I've run out and grabbed 'something' to give many unexpected guests in my time!
Any ideas on how to be clear its damaging for dc self esteem, etc...

What strikes me is that you say you don’t speak to your SIL. I’m sure that will have an impact here.

I also would not send my kids to stay somewhere that I don’t feel comfortable being. I can’t understand this at all.

You can't guarantee this won't happen again OP unless you don't send them.

Grandparents who openly praise the giving of a present to one grandchild knowing full well their other grandchild, and younger sibling of the lucky recipient, was looking on and got nothing are toxic in the extreme and obviously feel their own favourism type of parenting was totally fine.

If the had any decency at all, and in the case where the SIL made an honest mistake, they would have said the older DD's present was a joint one or not given it at all.

If you really feel your DC need a relationship with these people, who have already damaged their father, why can't you invite them to yours? That's the only way they'd see my DC in your position.

She sounds horrible - you are not being grabby at all. But please do not put it in an email - pick up the phone and explain in person. An email makes it all more serious and it can be forwarded - but on the phone you can gauge the reaction. Just say X was very hurt last year as she felt left out - she was only 5 etc etc.

Also - you shouldn't have to but bring a couple of spare gifts if I was you - worth it to spare your child/ren feeling left out.

And sending a text of the type suggested to this type of people will only give them ammunition with which to make you out to unreasonable. I wouldn't bother.

I don't know if pils were aware. Which is why I want to make sure they are aware esp after Mil critiquing gifts my own dsis managed to send from oz.

They critiqued your sister. You’re giving and increasingly uncomfortable picture of these people. Have you pieced it together? They’re not nice to you / probably about you. Why do you think your children will be immune to this? They will grow up and be free thinkers. It doesn’t sound like your in-laws like free thinkers.

Upthread a few others and I advocated your eldest returning her gift. You’d have to be there for this btw. I think this action will show their true colours to you.

Oh and don’t bother to make them aware. They probably already are tbh. You’re putting your head on the block there and trying to reason with unreasonable people. This won’t work. I’m the family scapegoat. Got the t-shirt on that one with my mother / brother / sil. Manage within your family.

She may not be acting reasonably, but whether you like it or not, you cannot police her approach to gift giving.
Giving gifts is the giver's choice - some, all, or none. Entirely their prerogative.
I think intervening would be inappropriate.

You can only control your exposure and reaction to the situation.
So plan ahead with a spare gift on hand or prep your kids just in case. Or alternatively don't expose them to this. Your choice.

Don't cross the line and try to influence what she does. YWBU, especially given you clearly don't like her and there seems to not be much of a relationship there in the first place.

I don't know if pils were aware

Of course they were aware!

They didnt 'ooh and ahh' over any gift your sil gave your other dd did they?

They are repeating the way they treated your dh and his sister (as is his sister). One is favoured and one doesnt matter.

This is a horrible position to.put your kids in. Take responsibility and stop exposing them to this. A toxic relationship is worse than none at all. Only allow them access to kids when you are there to protect them.

I cant believe you are willing to put your kids in the firing line like this just cos its xmas!

If they all kick off then tough step back and let them. Your kids come first. Sounds like nobody would miss them in thier life anyway.