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Original poster

It's not acceptable to turn up at Xmas do, without a gift for one dc. How to word this in email!

160 replies

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 17:51

I hope I don't seem grabby. I'm sure some posters will think this is grabby!

Last Xmas we went to dh dp for Xmas drinks etc before the big day. Dh sister walked in laden with gifts and my then 5 year old went running up to her, and shyly asked if she had a gift for her...

Dh dsis said simply 'no, I made a mistake with it'. That was it.

I know she can do what she wants, spend her money on what she wants, but it did upset me.
My dd looked crest fallen and it took the edge off the night for her. At some point she was told to share a book much older dd was given by aunt.

It upset me because Mil and fil always let us know how well sil is doing and how much disposable income her and her partner have. Ie they can buy cameras that cost more than 5 grand etc.

I know this will might make me sound bitter and hand on heart, in my life my family have had, lost, had money. I'm not envious of sil at all. I do want to make it clear I'm not critiquing a struggling lone parent with no spare income.

Pils want dc over again and I'm at a loss of how to say, sure that's lovely... However, can we avoid a repeat of last when.... Sil came in laden with gifts and nothing for one dc.

Relations are very low between us all, so it's not so much fear of offending more, how to circumnavigate any excuses pils will come up with. In the past fil will say things like.. Ah yes but if you hadn't x. And it's perfectly normal..

Personally, I could never ever do that to a child. My dc are the only dc in the family. I've run out and grabbed 'something' to give many unexpected guests in my time!
Any ideas on how to be clear its damaging for dc self esteem, etc...

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 11/12/2018 08:38

Paul
😁😁

sackrifice · 11/12/2018 08:38

It looks like she is just doing to your daughters what her parents did to their kids.

BlancheM · 11/12/2018 08:39

But why on earth would a successful grown woman be jealous of or exclude a 5 year old child? It makes no sense.
Look OP there's no love at all lost here so just have a happy Christmas with the family you've made and sod anyone else, life is too short.

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Events & celebrations Families
MawkishTwaddle · 11/12/2018 08:40

Can’t you just email her and say, ‘we’re not doing presents this year’?

No presents at all is better than one child left out.

Apologies if this has already been said. Haven’t RTFT.

BlancheM · 11/12/2018 08:43

She may be selfish or self absorbed which is one thing but when relations are already shit, I don't know why some people want OP to think the woman has an agenda against her DD. It's pure speculation.

Willow2017 · 11/12/2018 08:47

When she has consistantly ignored one dd for years yet 'remembers' the other its pretty clear she has major issues with treating both the same.

whiteroseredrose · 11/12/2018 09:04

Please protect your younger DD. If your PIL see nothing wrong with her being excluded it speaks volumes.

A friend of my mother has 'lost' her DD, who never forgave her for sending her and her older, favoured sister to their GPs. Mum's friend thought she was doing it for the best and that they both needed the relationship. It destroyed the younger ones self esteem. I'd keep them both away and explain why. They valued your DH less and it will have had an impact. Don't let them condone it for your DD.

BlancheM · 11/12/2018 09:07

If happened once. She sounds flakey all round and family members aren't her priority so it's to be expected really. I don't know why anyone would bother with the whole setup/tense dynamics, it's more stress than it's worth to adults in the situation let alone the kids.

StubbleTurnips · 11/12/2018 09:09

In what world is this ok at Christmas? The spirit of goodwill. Just giving a selection box would do.

OP - I hear you, SIL is currently withholding a bday present from April from our 5year old as she hasn’t seen her.... but she drives past our house twice a week, and family get togethers apparently don’t count Hmm We’ve explained to DD in child friendly terms that it’s a twattish thing to do, and some adults are dicks.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 11/12/2018 09:12

What are your reasons for wanting your children to have a relationship with these people? If they weren’t their grandparents, would you look at them and think “yes, these are just the type of people I want to influence my children, yes, these people will treat my children so well and be so good for them“? Bear in mind that as your children get older they will treat them like they treat your SIL and DH now. Is that what you want?

I used to think that I had to keep up a relationship between my parents and children. And then I realised the only reason I had was “because they’re the grandparents”. And then I thought, better no grandparents at all than people like this, and stopped making the effort. Later, I asked my children if they wanted to see them, and my daughter said she missed their dog.

MarthasGinYard · 11/12/2018 09:13

And let's face it you said you are happy to 'send kids to see GP' when she is likely to be there so it can't be all bad or you wouldn't let them go without you surely?

Yes it was sad your dc asked for a pressie and there wasn't one but I'd not get all revved up focussing on it.

One of my DB is useless with this kind of stuff too. It doesn't even register with me anymore.

thesepretzelsaremakingmehungry · 11/12/2018 09:20

My dh's extended family do this to my ds because he's not my dh's. (Not his parents, just his aunts and cousins etc.)
After the second year when it became obvious that it was intentional, I said I'm not going to their Xmas family gathering ever again. We've not been since. Like fuck are they going to make my ds feel like an outsider. Last kids birthday party we went to they didn't have a lolly bag for him either, looks like we won't be going to birthdays anymore either.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/12/2018 09:23

BlancheM
I think the speculation about the sil is bang on actually. It sounds as if the attitude was passed down to her from her parents. She is clearly the golden child and she or perhaps the entire family has given ops eldest the position of golden child.

To answer your question as to why she is jealous of a 5 yo. That in my view would perhaps be because the children pose a threat to her position of golden child. Or maybe she is replaying the childhood rivalry she felt or had imposed on her between her as the golden child and ops dh as the unfavoured one / scapegoat.

Betsy86 · 11/12/2018 09:29

thesepretzels OMG that’s disgusting of them fair play to you for never going again i would do the exact same. No money of mine would go towards anything for any of them ever again either.

stubbleturnips gosh she sounds like a right twat. I would buy a copy of whatever the gift is she’s witholding and make a scene about how much your dds loving it because im petty like that lol then shes stuck with it in her boot.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/12/2018 09:30

thesepretzels Shock
I don’t know how I’d feel to have a child being left out by step aunts and step cousins. Pretty crap I’m sure and I would never differentiate myself. The upset of not getting presents would be appeased if your ds has family on his father’s side of the family. However I find the goodie bag shocking and tells you your gut reaction to these people was not wrong. Your ds is not a non person.

Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 11/12/2018 11:12

Mummy What you say there about my older dd being a threat may have a grain of truth in it because older dd is doing v well at school. And she is v Pretty.

Just to be clear pils themselves had a gift to give each dc.

Myself and dh have agonised long and hard over access. We feel very little, but quality time a few times a year won't harm. If we can make it clear the present situation won't happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 11/12/2018 11:14

I don't think she would deliberately exclude, or callous after the thought but relations are so strained, she knew it was a miracle we turned up anyway, I can't think it might have been done to cause tensions.

OP posts:
BumsexAtTheBingo · 11/12/2018 11:23

I would just keep it low key and wrap an extra present that both of your dds would like (ideally something that could be shared so craft stuff maybe?) and just give it to your pil and explain that dd2 was really upset to be left out last time so if one child gets a gift from and not the other could they give the other one that gift. If both or neither get a gift then it can just be an extra shared gift for them.
And yes it was a bit rude (and not at all shy) to ask for a present but since the child was 5 and excited I wouldn’t get my knickers in a twist about it!

Perfectly1mperfect · 11/12/2018 11:23

Reading your posts, I'm struggling to understand why you feel contact with these people is in the best interests for your children. Your kids will pick up on the strained and odd relationship and overall I think that's not going to benefit them.

MarthasGinYard · 11/12/2018 11:26

'but relations are so strained, she knew it was a miracle we turned up anyway,'

If things are this bad why worry about gifts or lack of

ChocolateCard · 11/12/2018 11:37

Situation sounds very similar to my inlaws.

I used to put up with it before having children, and even when first dc was a baby.

Once second child came along and incidents like this started happening, I drew a line under it all and never looked back.

Luckily dh was in agreement. We’ve not seen them now for nearly 10 years and our lives are much better for it.

ohfourfoxache · 11/12/2018 11:44

You need to keep both kids away from them all. You just cannot let them have unsupervised access, god knows what they’re saying behind your back

Deadringer · 11/12/2018 11:53

It's weird to give a gift to one child and not the other, but I would definitely be over it by now.

RCohle · 11/12/2018 12:06

From your SIL's perspective she made a one off cock up with the gifts and possibly felt bad about it. You bringing it up a year later makes you sound mean spirited and unforgiving. Why would you rub her nose in her mistake?

christmaspuddingyumyumyum · 11/12/2018 12:17

Get DH to speak to his DS and say no gifts please as it's upsetting when one dc gets a gift and one is left out.