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Original poster

It's not acceptable to turn up at Xmas do, without a gift for one dc. How to word this in email!

160 replies

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 17:51

I hope I don't seem grabby. I'm sure some posters will think this is grabby!

Last Xmas we went to dh dp for Xmas drinks etc before the big day. Dh sister walked in laden with gifts and my then 5 year old went running up to her, and shyly asked if she had a gift for her...

Dh dsis said simply 'no, I made a mistake with it'. That was it.

I know she can do what she wants, spend her money on what she wants, but it did upset me.
My dd looked crest fallen and it took the edge off the night for her. At some point she was told to share a book much older dd was given by aunt.

It upset me because Mil and fil always let us know how well sil is doing and how much disposable income her and her partner have. Ie they can buy cameras that cost more than 5 grand etc.

I know this will might make me sound bitter and hand on heart, in my life my family have had, lost, had money. I'm not envious of sil at all. I do want to make it clear I'm not critiquing a struggling lone parent with no spare income.

Pils want dc over again and I'm at a loss of how to say, sure that's lovely... However, can we avoid a repeat of last when.... Sil came in laden with gifts and nothing for one dc.

Relations are very low between us all, so it's not so much fear of offending more, how to circumnavigate any excuses pils will come up with. In the past fil will say things like.. Ah yes but if you hadn't x. And it's perfectly normal..

Personally, I could never ever do that to a child. My dc are the only dc in the family. I've run out and grabbed 'something' to give many unexpected guests in my time!
Any ideas on how to be clear its damaging for dc self esteem, etc...

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2018 18:07

If we were going it would be easier to call it out.

Would it? It’s too late to wait until the day.

PostmanBos · 10/12/2018 18:07

For the sake of family harmony I'd just go along armed with an emergency gift for dd just in case. But I wouldn't be inviting SiL along to any parties or anything you host in future. She sounds very thoughtless and a bit unkind.

gamerwidow · 10/12/2018 18:11

I’d spend less time whining about it and more time teaching her it’s rude to expect and ASK for gifts from people
Oh come on no one in real life would ever think it's o.k. for an aunt to give one niece a present and then say tough luck no present for you to the other niece. Especially not for a 5 year old.

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Christmas Events & celebrations Families
EssentialHummus · 10/12/2018 18:11

“ sorry to bring this up SIL, but last year you bought a lovely gift for DD1 and nothing for DD2 - and as you can imagine I had quite a time trying to explain that to the both of them! Just to let you know that there’s no need to buy for either of them this year, they have quite a few things already and we don’t want them to be greedy “ or something.

Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 18:11

No being sparodic doesn't matter.

I only mention that as back story ie she isn't devoted aunt who usually never forgets and this one time she did and we are making big thing about it....

I am throughly grateful for anything anyone gets my dc. They don't have anyone really apart from dh and I too spoil them. I'd have personally been happy with the smallest of token gifts, fun hair bobbles! A magazine!

2 pounds in a card... Or golden coins as dd calls then.

OP posts:
SlowNorris · 10/12/2018 18:12

Incredibly unkind? Tad dramatic.

The gift giving is sporadic.
5 year old didn’t get a gift but undoubtedly got plenty more from elsewhere.
It’s been a year.

Time to get over it.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2018 18:13

Sporadic.

DurhamDurham · 10/12/2018 18:13

Probably best to pre-warn your daughters that presents are unlikely so that they aren't disappointed. I'd be mortified if my children had asked if a present was for them so it's best to nip that in the bud. I do think it's awful to buy for one daughter and not the other, best she doesn't buy for either of them.
Also it's a bit strange to expect presents from them at all given the strained relationship.

Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 18:14

Purple, we could take our own gift to give on her behalf or, 2 pounds in a card would thrill dd!

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 10/12/2018 18:14

I’m not sure sil gets it tbh. If she’s childless and a bit thoughtless she may not have realised why this was a terrible thing to do.

TeaByTheSeaside · 10/12/2018 18:14

Can you just email SIL and say if she's thinking of buying gifts for your DC's could she either get something for them to share or one each because your young DD was disappointed not to receive a gift when her sister got one. And if she'd prefer not to buy for them, that's fine.

I don't think that's unreasonable.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2018 18:14

How hard is it to say “please buy for both our children or neither of them”?

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2018 18:15

If she’s childless and a bit thoughtless she may not have realised why this was a terrible thing to do.

This is nothing at all to do with being childless. Don’t tar people without children with that brush. This is purely being inconsiderate.

Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 18:18

Durham

Just to be crystal clear I didn't expect her to give any gifts infact I was hoping she wouldn't be there Grin.

I would have expected from her to give nothing to either dd which is far better than giving to one.

I don't think she would have asked had sil already arrived etc. We all arrived at the same time and she got v excited 😁

OP posts:
Shepherdspieisminging · 10/12/2018 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostsandghoulies · 10/12/2018 18:19

If she’s childless and a bit thoughtless she may not have realised why this was a terrible thing to do

She has a sibling so can easily imagine how she'd feel if her brother got a gift and she didn't

Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 18:20

tea yes could do! But then that's a bit presumptious that she may be there or give a gift.

To be honest I hate the way they all do gifts! I'd rather they didn't at all.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/12/2018 18:21

For the sake of family harmony I'd just go along armed with an emergency gift for dd just in case

This is what I would do or a card with money in. If you're not going to be there then I wouldn't let them go without me. Kids don't forget people being mean to them.

As for the people on this thread who think it's perfectly ok and you should get over yourself. I'm assuming your regularly make a point of missing one child out to their face. Hmm

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 10/12/2018 18:21

Relations are very low between us all, so it's not so much fear of offending more, how to circumnavigate any excuses pils will come up with.

Why are you even going? Sounds like nothing to lose by not bothering to see either PIL/SIL. I’d stay at home and enjoy Christmas with your little family.

Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 18:23

ghost she's 37 and is worshiped by pils.

I don't think she has ever thought for a second how dh is treated for feels there.
They the pils don't seem to care or notice either. When dd 2 was opening her gift they were openly praising sil for this amazing gift she gave dd1!

'wow look at that book dd1, aren't you lucky, have you thanked your aunty' etc!

OP posts:
Original poster
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 10/12/2018 18:26

Sorry that's confusing, they were praising sil for the gift she gave to older dd. Like it was incredible that she had done that.

OP posts:
StressedToTheMaxx · 10/12/2018 18:33

I am so shocked.
How could you get one child and not the other.
I would end a text to sil along the lines of
Sil:We are very excited for Xmas this year but could you make sure you buy a small gift for either both the dc or nither. Dd felt left out last year at watching her sister open your present.
Then text pil and summaries the text you sent her.

gassylady · 10/12/2018 18:33

Why are you sending the kids into that atmosphere. I think I’d say no thanks spend the few quid towards kids club at cinema or popcorn and DVD at home

DurhamDurham · 10/12/2018 18:35

Zevit then I'll join you in hoping that she isn't there this year Grin

Missingstreetlife · 10/12/2018 18:36

Either prepare your daughter, a bit difficult if they treat your other child differently, or don't take them. You can't let them go and be abused. If they both get nothing that's ok. Is there areason for this?

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