It's not acceptable to turn up at Xmas do, without a gift for one dc. How to word this in email!

[Zevitevitchofcwsmas]

I hope I don't seem grabby. I'm sure some posters will think this is grabby!

Last Xmas we went to dh dp for Xmas drinks etc before the big day. Dh sister walked in laden with gifts and my then 5 year old went running up to her, and shyly asked if she had a gift for her...

Dh dsis said simply 'no, I made a mistake with it'. That was it.

I know she can do what she wants, spend her money on what she wants, but it did upset me.
My dd looked crest fallen and it took the edge off the night for her. At some point she was told to share a book much older dd was given by aunt.

It upset me because Mil and fil always let us know how well sil is doing and how much disposable income her and her partner have. Ie they can buy cameras that cost more than 5 grand etc.

I know this will might make me sound bitter and hand on heart, in my life my family have had, lost, had money. I'm not envious of sil at all. I do want to make it clear I'm not critiquing a struggling lone parent with no spare income.

Pils want dc over again and I'm at a loss of how to say, sure that's lovely... However, can we avoid a repeat of last when.... Sil came in laden with gifts and nothing for one dc.

Relations are very low between us all, so it's not so much fear of offending more, how to circumnavigate any excuses pils will come up with. In the past fil will say things like.. Ah yes but if you hadn't x. And it's perfectly normal..

Personally, I could never ever do that to a child. My dc are the only dc in the family. I've run out and grabbed 'something' to give many unexpected guests in my time!
Any ideas on how to be clear its damaging for dc self esteem, etc...

Hi SIL
Not sure what your plans are re gift giving to XandY this year but can I ask that you don't give to one and not the other like you did last year as X was understandably upset at being left out. We don't expect gifts for either child at all so we aren't asking you to buy them anything, rather just asking that you don't buy to just one and give it to her in front of her sibling.

Zevitev All for the iLs? My goodness!!! That's a bit of ego there, isn't it? I bet iLs needed the booze to wash that all magnificence down!

It's called wine flu, she def knew we would be there.
It's was like a mini Xmas day. We took gifts for pils etc.

From my pov If my grown up dc turned up without a gift for one dc in a small family with few small dc in it, I would feel failed as a parent and I would certainly try and explain to which did it that she must never do it again. And if she couldn't genuinely get gift to let me know so I could get one on her behalf.

I would be more furious if there were major issues with one dd too. Relations are not good and this really didn't get the night off to a good start.

We are not going for Xmas this year it's just over all too miserable. But we will send you them after so they can see thier gp.

My dm was what you see is what yuy7 get. She didn't have much money at all and sometimes Xmas gift could be silly cheap talking santa hat, that's all but it was given haphazard but with love, no games and Xmas was mostly warm lovely day.

Pils use gifts to show yiu how they feel about you at that time. Lots of talk of money etc, it's socked the whole joy out of Xmas to be honest. Everything about it. Very restrained.

We had much less but oodles more warmth.

Hippo that's prefect! Thank you. That's what I was looking for, short and sweet, not asking for anything but also making it clear last years behaviour was not acceptable.

Across wash all that magnificence down indeed.

When I used to see my hopeless db, and he had a history of buying a present for one dc and not th4 other (not because he was horrible, he just would have seen something for one dc and got it, or he would assume dd2 was a baby and wouldn't notice when she was actually school age and def would notice) I would make sure I had some extra small items in the car to whisk out for the dc that didn't get something.

He is much better now!

This happened to me 10 years ago.

I was 17, my uncle came with bags of pjs with all my siblings and cousins favourite cartoon character and bar of chocolate. Started handing them out and I realised that I was left out.

I felt so awful and wanted the ground to swallow me up from that situation.

As a 17 year old I could suck it up but to do it to a young child is pretty awful.

If your sil is childless, she wouldn't have much clue how to deal with children. Also, maybe she is grief stricken because of that and finds it hard to be with other people's children?

Your SIL is a grade one cow. Blimey, if I can manage to buy presents for our NDN's dc's that we don't even know very well, surely she can buy something for her own niece.

I’d just talllk to my dds saying auntie might forget again and don’t expect s present

Yes what hippo said is good I think.

And allllll the side eye to people who think a five year old is somehow in the wrong here. It's beyond rude to buy for one sibling and not the other for Christmas, unless the rule is "gifts for children only" and one sibling is 25 and the other 8 or something. But even still.

She didn't buy for the other sibling though did she.

Just explain to Dd not to expect anything from this particular auntie

@Hwory are you the oldest? Loads of families have a cut off for nieces/nephews/cousins at 16. Character PJ's sounds far too young for a 17 year old. I don't think your example is anything like the same. Unless any of the other recipients were 17 or older too.

OP, I don't think you should send the children on their own at all.

@BlancheM she bought a book for older niece and nothing for younger niece.

That's not what I read, fuzzy. Sporadic gifts over the years consisting of small gifts for DD1 and books for DD2. OP said she'd rather neither DC had a gift than just the one anyway.
Then later: 'when DD2 was opening her gift, PIL were openly praising SIL for the gift she gave DD1' so both had gifts on that occasion.

@slappinthebass

I have an older sister (19) and older cousin (21) who both got presents.

I would turn her into a family joke.

Portraits of herself? WTF? It sounds more like a curse than a gift.

Blanch m. What I wrote there got confused.

Dd1 the eldest 12 has had about 4 bday cards and maybe 5 small gifts covering bday and Xmas in that time. Small gift eg fluffy pen.

Dd2 has never had a bday card off her and 2 books covering Xmas and bday in her life.

The times sil has given a gift including last Xmas when dd2 was left out have gone gaga over sils gift . At the same time....

My own dsis who lives in oz whom I'm partially estranged from, who has mental health issues and not much ££ has always sent something small for both their b days and Xmas. In the past when Mil has happened to be here when my dsis gift has arrived Mil has actually sneered and critiqued it!

Sil has said reapetedly she likes other people dc and she enjoys handing them back. Maybe she does have fertility issues but she lives near pil and spends all her time there. Dh rarely goes so she could have easily avoided us.

You hardly speak to your sister-in-law. Can you fix the relationship? Does your husband get on with her?
Gifts are of no consequence. It's the day before Christmas and you can warn your DC not to expect anything, as they'll be getting gifts from Father Christmas. Remind them that aunt x is a bit forgetful and not organised about family gifts, but it dosn't mean anything.

It's photo portrait taken by her partner.
Sometimes I feel as if she copies our gifts!

We do calenders of our dc, the next year she started to give calenders of herself. Then fil admired a larger canvas of our dd repeatedly... So we got him a copy for Xmas. Cue the large portrait last year of herself. 🙄.

We are curtailed by money buying for pils and these gifts seem to go down well. If we had no dc and larger income, we would be getting different stuff.

Dh doesn't talk to her really, she used to be ghastly to him. Barking orders, issuing demands.

We can certainly tell them not to expect any gift from sil to manage expectations, for the younger one really but, it puts the older one in an awkward position, accepting a gift when her dsis doesn't have one. It's just an awful situation all round.

She’s a cow. You just don’t do that. Your PIL aren’t much better. No way would my dc be going without me.

'She had what turned out to be a large close up portrait of herself, pretty much another bag full of photo gifts of herself and her partner... Calender, mouse mat, mugs I think... And some booze'

Good Lord

After reading that I think you need to just be grateful they didn't receive the same.

Seems unfair but she just sounds thoughtless.

Remind your dc to never ask for gifts.

I promise its very tricky. Dh feels uncomfortable and awkward there, Mil barely speaks to us. We are the useless appendages merely conduits to deliver the dc they gather in the room away from us playing with the dc. Dc are fun at Xmas aren't they!

I really dislike going it's very tense. But we do want dc to see them and have relationships with them. So they go occasionally without us.