How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

Bath child - thats 20-30 mins you can clean bathroom whilst your in their watching them. don't keep anything you don't use regularly in there (fill bin bag with any crap, then wipe down surfaces)

Yes, I did that! I cleared more crap that's been accumulating in the hall. Unreasonably proud of myself

Help child with homework - you should be helping guide them, not doing their homework. So 5 mins helping them start if needed

DS has SN. He needs me sitting there talking him through his homework and keeping him on task or he won't do it.

This homework is a creative task I imagine most DC would happily do on their own. DS has already spent an hour or so "planning" with DH and an hour with me building stuff (in reality, mostly arguing or saying he can't do it) and I'd say we've made a good start. (Being diplomatic!). DS is exceptionally bright. But getting him to actually produce work is a challenge - for us and his teachers.

I've just dropped off 3 bin bags of clothes, toys and books at the charity shop. Also, dropped off a box of spare plates and mugs.

Previously, I've put out the kids old scooters and toys at the end of the drive with a 'take me home' sign and people have. It might be worth doing similar and then taking whatever that's left over to the charity shop. People are now on the look out for cheap or free things for Christmas.

Give the salvation army a call and offer to drop off the old coats, boots/shoes and clothes. They'll distribute it amongst their homeless service users. Please don't send good clothes and stuff to landfill as others have suggested. You've got too much stuff which you need to get rid of then pass it on to someone who can make use of it.

Well done it sounds like you've made some progress. Little and often is the best way. I try and do a charity shop drop off daily.

For Christmas can you get or ask others to buy your children experience gifts instead of more toys? I've asked my family to give cinema and theatre tokens instead otherwise I'll be drowning in more plastic.

Your situation sounds really tough. This is what I would do.

Get the soonest possible GP appointment for your OH. Go with him and be totally honest about how bad things are.

Then get a 3 large sheets of paper, 1 for each of the next 3 weeks. Put days of the week down the side, times on the top. Put everything you need to do onto it from work to child's dance classes, bathing, time with your dad. Then you can actually see where you have spare time that you can spend tidying.

Build your daughters bed as soon as you have the first slot of time long enough when you correct pieces and your partner is well enough or if you can afford it then hire a handyman for a couple of hours. Don't worry if he judges your house, he shouldn't, but if he does, just think 'it's necessary to get this sorted so my kids can have friends over. You will never see this person again.

In terms of tidying I would get loads of bags, black and clear say. Then I would literally just do keep or throw away in each room (except 4th bedroom, that sounds like a separate project for another time. Black bags for bin, clear to keep. I wouldn't bother with charity shop, you have too much on your plate right now. Try to divide the keep bags into clothes, toys, household as best you can but don't worry if they get mixed up. You can then go through the bags at a later time but at least you know everything is things to keep. Either hire a skip or just put bags to throw in the garden for now. It will be time consuming but stick with it in the times that you have marked as spare, whether that's 30 mins or 2 hours. I would choose 1 room to put the bags to keep in, even though this will take up alot of room, it's temporary. This should allow you to see the floors and surfaces in the other rooms.

Then I would clean the surfaces and floors that you can in the time you have marked as spare.

Then assess if new storage and furniture is needed. Lots of units with boxes are practical. Floor to ceiling units are great.

Once you have the storage sorted, go through the keep bags and put away in their new home. Wash any clothes if they need a freshen and once dry I would put them into wardrobes or drawers immediately. If you leave them round to iron, it won't happen. You can iron as you need for now until everything is sorted.

You can then think about a new bed frame for yourself, once walkways are clear to get old bed out and new bed in.

crisis team took over and have been fab, coming to the house to visit every couple of days and reviewing his meds etc

Where did he get the meds from in the first place? I don't think the service he's been referred to has taken him seriously enough. They haven't prescribed any meds. Also the GP wouldn't even listen to him about sleeping pills the other day.

DH is still awake - he hasn't slept since we argued last night. He's totally strung out.

It pretty much always comes down to "the stuff" doesn't it ?

There are 4 of you but you have a "gazillion" coats. If you have a gazillion coat pegs that's fine. But if you only have storage for 4 coats in a cupboard downstairs, plus some wardrobe space upstairs, that's how many coats you can have.

As for clothes, how many do you all really need? Recycle or donate. You can make it more complicated than that, but it's really not.

Skip. Trips to charity shops. Recycle. If stuff is your problem, until you do this you'll never get straight. There will always be a reason not to do it. Don't over think it.

I have a friend similar to you. 3 people in her family. Her porch must contain 30 pairs of shoes, plus boots, umbrellas, piles of post, other "stuff". You can hardly get into the house. But she fiddles around, spends ages on minutiae, dithers etc. We've all given up, as she has as much time as the rest of us, just never makes it a priority or makes the time.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but unless you're dealing with a deep seated psychological issue that manifests itself in hoarding it's basically just getting on with it. It doesn't require skill or predisposition, just boring graft.

what worked for me was tackling a little bit at a time, regularly. I would set a target of five things to be picked up, put away or thrown out. taht got me started. keep going for a bit if you can but whatever you do it is better to get a frew things put away or thrown out thatn sort load sof things out then get too tired and they get scattered again so you have to redo work.

There’s some excellent advice on this thread to which I would add you just have to get on with it. Anything is better than nothing. Every time you fill a bag with rubbish or take a load to the charity shop you are moving forward. From what you’ve said, I would start with the clothes - just tackle it. Go through the piles and chuck it or keep it - if you don’t have room to store it then chuck it. Don’t keep anything “just in case” - be ruthless. Bag it up, put it in the car and take it to either the tip or the charity shop. get it out of the house. You can’t start tidying until you’ve chucked stuff out. Once you’ve done the clothes I’d go room by room - start with the “public” rooms - hall, living room, loo, kitchen. get one straight and it should galvanise you for the rest. Remember though - your aim is to get rid of stuff. Don’t just move it from room to room. Use every spare moment - while you are waiting for the kettle to boil clear the side in the kitchen. You can only do this by getting on with it - don’t stop until it’s done. good luck.

Another recommendation for Konmari / Marie Kondo. It really is life changing as you do a deep declutter and you end up feeling physically but most importantly mentally lighter. It might help your OH too. You can buy the book which is easy and quick to read but she does an audio book too.
Think about how you are going to get rid of your stuff - will a charity come to collect it or do you need a skip.
It really is worth doing and doing it well. It could help you both plus the relationship. Good luck.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. It's often not until later that grief and all that that entails can catch up with you. The box of funeral paperwork becomes the bureau of all financial papers, becomes the other personal papers, hobbies, tools, books, clothes, shoes, cameras, photos etc..

My mum said this approach helped her after she had a lot of our house things to sort and the belongings to sort from dad's flat after my dad had been found dead. Especially since mum was left with 2 kids under 10years old to raise, a full time job, 36 mile day round commute, after school care, cat, dog, gerbils, hefty wilderness of a garden, even heftier mortgage, major roof repairs with full scaffolding and no family within hundreds of miles to help.

Cut yourself some slack OP. You have had every day life to contend with aswell as very close family grief and loss and now sorting through your day to day stuff and a lifetime of belongings.

The approach

You first

Best to set aside a morning or afternoon to start.
Book an appointment with yourself. To the world you are in a meeting! Phone off hook, have your shower, make the bed, have a hot meal ready in the slow cooker so you have some feel good healthy food waiting but doesn't require your constant attention. Just some top and tailed root veg, halved spuds, cup of water, pinch of herbs, squeeze tom puree, dash of worcester sauce topped off with some chicken drumsticks. Put on high. Leave it and let's see what we can get done in 4 hours.

The House

When you can't find the wood for the trees quicker and easier to start with the day to day things that y actually use on an immediately basis then and work back from there.
For example, I know I need my toothbrush charger, phone & charger, hairbrush, clean clothes, shoes, coat, bag, jollop, purse.

Everything else gets heaped up to the bed (or if it's the dining room sort out) the table and hoover or sweep the surrounding area. Sense of achievement and visually rewarding to what seems like a mammoth task. Bear with..

Then approach the central pile of stuff armed with your raft of carrier bags or bin bags or ideally storage tubs or flexi tubs. Prefer boxes or tubs because it is easier to retrieve anything placed in the wrong category than in a black bin bag which are always dark and difficult to see into so could be accidentally throwing out something needed. Don't worry if that's what you have just stick bright post-its on the bag and label each one. Or, have for example the charity shop stuff on your left side and the recycling stuff on your right.

Once this is done and everything's off the floor, take one tub at a time and sort out.

I prefer sitting on the front room floor in front of a good 2 hour 'feel good' film that I have seen before and is not too distracting or put on a listen to a podcast or radio play or music whatever you like as background. This stops me getting caught up in the needle in a haystack stress of it all. Plus it means when you get to the end of your 2 hour film or get too tired then you just take that as your natural juncture and resume with a new tub tomorrow knowing that by this stage your just tackling life one tub at a time and if nothing else the room's clean.

You'll feel you've made serious headway then and you have.

Just sort one tub at a time then you can genuinely say "I have achieved a whole chunk that I set out to do today" and mentally tick that off.

Don't forget your film and get comfy. It's easier on the back if you sit on the floor rather than bending or lifting. Less arduous and you get more if you say I'm going to see what I get done between now and the end of Erin Brockovich

Reward yourself with a nice soak, hot chocolate, some sort of treat –10mins of mumsnet-- at intervals.

You WILL get there and feel good too.

Don't bother sorting. Just chuck out. If you haven't needed it in last 3 months you don't need it. Wishing you good luck.

Send kids to uni, we’ve sent one, still one to go .

These people can give you ongoing support and help.

www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/

Fluffy40 ha! Love your plan

DS is pretty bright, maybe we could pass him off as a not terribly smart and short 18 year old - bit of stage makeup & stick on stubble, Bob's your Uncle!

Could you have a set of clothes for each DC & nothing else?

Each child -

5 TShirts
2 Jumpers/Cardigans
2 Long sleeved cotton tops
3 PJs
7 knickers
4 Vests
4 shoes
7 socks
3 Joggers

You can do this OP!! I love tidying and organising and it helps to go through every room regularly. Once you have your storage solutions in place, it’s easy to keep on top of it.

Whilst the kids are at school, start by gathering all the clothes downstairs and put them in the middle of the living room floor...then you sift into piles of wash/iron/bin/charity etc. Get rid of the bin/charity piles immediately.

Same with other rooms, empty everything into the middle of the room, so that cupboards and surfaces are empty and start to sort.

You do need the kids out of the way in order to focus. Rather than pay the organiser, perhaps pay a childminder instead.

Good luck OP 💐

It ain't going to be popular on here. I moved last year and realised that sorting into charity shop stuff and recycling is a dream to my procrastinator self.
I literally bought masses of bin bags. Chucked everything not needed into them. Put them straight in the car, drove straight to the tip and lobbed them. Came home and did the same thing. Until it was gone.

,

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it, this is helping. I haven't had a chance to read them all today - I've got to run for the train to my Dad's, I'll read them on the train.

I just wanted to report:

Today I:

Took DD to her class, went over to her school friend's for lunch after.
Did 2 washes.

Had a go at clothes mountain in the garden room. Sorted and put away 3 tubs of clothes. One large carrier bag of stuff for the charity shop. One pile of sheets & towels to put away when I get back (ran out of time).

The clothes, FWIW were 1 tub each for each child, half a tub each of mine and DH's. All current. 1 charity shop bag of kid's clothes.

Didn't get any work done at all. That's bad, I've let clients down. But can't be helped. I'll send them the info they need tomorrow.

Can't communicate with DH at all right now. Nearly ended up in an argument again. I tripped over the bed bits in the garden room, and mentioned to DH that the bed was at risk of getting broken.

He interpreted that as "you are useless, DH, why haven't you built the bed yet" and started having a go at me about how he can't bend down and his back hurts, and how I'm always hassling him.

I didn't meant that at all. I meant - "FYI, the bed has moved a bit and it's at risk of getting broken, I just tripped on it, just so you know". I had to reiterate this several times before he eventually calmed down.

He interprets so many things as a slight on him at the moment. it's exhausting. And if I am actually pissed off or fed up with him and I let it show, then I get defensive rage, followed by self flagellation and then he can't sleep so he's a mess the next day. He can get from zero to rage in a matter of minutes and the repercussions can last a day or more. I am at a loss to know what to do.

We're either arguing, dealing with the fall out of an argument or acting like everything is normal. I can't talk to him about it. He makes it impossible. It's very recently, as in the last few weeks, that it's got this bad. It's been bad for a while, but it's gone up a notch recently.

We went to couples counselling over the summer but the counsellor didn't understand what was going on at all. He was very nice, but just kept on about compromise. We don't need to compromise, we need help to navigate both our underlying issues I think.

I don’t think you are spending money on this problem very effectively. The declutter ing person isn’t getting through much with you.

I would suggest:

1)pay for more childcare instead (after school club) for 4-6 weeks while you tackle this, it will be worth it for the kids in the longer term

2. focus on a room at a time -you declutter, tidy, organise THEN pay someone else to deep clean while you move on to the next room

3. schedule your time so whatever time you have is spent on 1/3 maintenance, 2/3 on the big long term clean/ room decluttering so you look after day to day stuff and everything you’ve done so far

4. you MUST have storage for anything and everything. Keeping tidy relies on having easy access to specific places to put things. Spend money on boxes and label them -for everything. If you put things /storage boxes you regularly need to access out of reach, like the attic, you won’t bother using them. A wall of storage in a visible place might seem unsightly but it’s a lot better than the mess created by not having it.

5. Be realistic. How much clothing can your wardrobes hold? How much stuff can you manage in your house? Don’t have more than this!

6. Be ruthless and clear stuff out. Get big memory boxes for DC stuff you can’t bear to part with, but otherwise clear, clear, clear...you’ll feel unburdened.

massive kudos OP!

Not only have you made a huge start to clearing the decks you've been implementing a system to organising which is how you will manage it all once the backlog is cleared. Eventually it'll be clearing up and sorting a little a day because that's what all that will be left - just keep chipping away at the elephant!

you have also identified what you can do, what you can't do, what you need to do and completed today's portion. Tick VG!

Counselling

''We don't need to compromise, we need help to navigate both our underlying issues I think''

Have you tried asking for CBT (either separately or both) to identify between what's said, what's interpreted and strategies for a way forward. I have found this to be far more pragmatic than counselling especially when you feel you are in a vortex. It can make all the difference. The example of the bed frame is prime.

p.s i forgot the celery and onions

Take your unwanted clothes to a cash for clothes type of place. Some will collect and some will take shoes, belts and bags as well as books. Get it weighed in and make some money. It's strangely satisfying- even if I only make enough for a takeaway meal.
Get in the mindset that "how can I love item A, if it's underneath item B and item C and item D?" Anything in less than perfect order can go.
Start cleaning the areas that require the highest levels of hygiene - the kitchen and bathroom.
Then start at the front door and work your way in. It's the part of the house that visitors see first.
Stop new things from coming in. Place flyers, envelopes, newspapers in the recycling as soon as they are finished with.
Invest in some filing trays and a shredder. Treat incoming mail in the same way as you would in a office. In,pending and filing. Shred anything that doesn't need to be kept .

if you were near me id come and help you much cheaper than a professional lady i just need coffee and lots of it