How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

That's great, half of the garden room laundry is done, can you get the other half done soon? Imagine how that will feel. My ds moans at every thing he has to do (not much, just clearing bedroom floor and putting clean clothes away)

You’re doing great OP, glad the kids are helping too!

Well done op
The living room is relatively tidy because I did a massive clean by throwing everything in the cupboard under the stairs & jamming the door shut with the hoover because we had visitors over the weekend.

I've got a bag ready for the charity shop, luckily there is one opposite where I work so I have no excuses.

I'm planning to do a deep clean of the kids room this weekend which is a vit radioactive. So wish me luck, I might need medication afterwards!

What is your plan for the garden room once you've cleared the laundry out? Do you think you'll be able to clear it before Christmas? Could you put a dining table and chairs in there for Christmas lunch? I think that if the room had a purpose even if it's a temporary one, it might give you the extra push to get it ready.

It could be a psychological boost to have one ready for Christmas day. Some lights, candles, small tree & greenery along with table & chairs might transform the space. You know your space and whether this is realistic or not.

Good luck with the rest of the clean up. Don't forget to put boxes of brick a back outside the house, you'll be surprised how much will be collected by passers by. It's a good way of clearing out junk if you haven't got time to go to the charity shop.

Keep going OP - are you sure there's no one other than your H who would help put the bed together and clear the garden room? It would make a huge difference to you.

Just read this thread and really feel for you. You have a lot going on!

(By the way in your most recent posts your name is slightly different so your posts aren’t highlighted as being by you.)

I think priority should be getting your DH to the GP. Go with him if you can. Pain is depressing. Depression can cause pain as you mentioned already. And stress and anxiety can lead to migraine - which you also mentioned your DH suffers from. It really sounds like your DH needs anti depressants. It might be hard to persuade him to let you go with him but maybe if you say you are really worried about him and want to help support him he might agree.

I also noted what you say about needing a big blitz as opposed to little and often. I used to be the same. But in reality my brain can’t cope with a big blitz. So I never did it. I was on the decluttering one thing a day thread for a while and it really helped. Need to get back into it. I know it seems like you can’t achieve much in 20 mins but 20 mins a day even five days a week is much more doable than a big blitz. A big blitz involves much more upheaval and leaves more room for procrastination really. With a big blitz you don’t have time to mentally figure stuff out whereas with smaller chunks storage solutions etc evolve more fluidly in my experience. And even if you only get rid of one thing it is one more thing gone and I feel so much better and lighter even with just one thing gone. It’s a little step in the right direction. Feeling like you need to do a big blitz when realistically you don’t have time and won’t have the attention span is just fuelling your feelings of failure. Whereas with your 20 minute sessions or sorting through one pile and putting it away you are actually achieving something.

Having said that I do think a skip would be a good idea for you but maybe when you are at a point of doing your fourth bedroom. And I hadn’t realised you could get ones that recycle- that’s very useful to know.

I see lots of people recommending Marie Kondo - I tried that but found it very overwhelming to be honest. At least at the stage you seem to be at. However you can break her categories down even more - so instead of doing all clothes you can do all of your tops for instance. Once you are at a point that they are all in one place that is and not scattered in various piles.

Lists are great. I even put basics like emptying the dishwasher on mine. Even though I do it every day. And putting washing away goes on mine too. I do a load of washing every day and every day the load from the previous day gets put away. I have to be fairly strict or I end up with laundry baskets of clothes in every room. I don’t need to iron much but try to do an hour a week to keep on top of it. I watch tv while doing it.

I also found that starting in one corner of a room and working from there helps me. Rather than looking at the whole room and wondering where to start!

Keep posting here. Threads like these are fab - you get support and you support and encourage others.

Oh and I would bite the bullet and try to get a handyman to help build the bed and help you move the filing cabinet. If you haven’t already managed to get that done. If you are embarrassed of the mess just explain you are in the middle of a huge sort out and that your DH hurt his back. They won’t judge.

Did a mini blitz of the living room while watching Mary Poppins with Dd. The scene at the beginning where she tidied up the nursery really got me in the mood to tidy up!

I'm finding decluttering little and often helpful as I can bin/recyle/charity shop as I go along. We've got visitors on the 24th so I need to do a deep clean of all the rooms in the house over the weekend.

I hope all is well op and your silence is because you're busy rather than anything else.

Sorry to disappear, I had to focus on Christmas stuff.

Hope you all had lovely Christmases. We were away visiting family for Christmas and it was lovely for the DC. Nice for us too, although I find my family hard work at times!

Didn't get the house tidy for Christmas, it's still a monumental tip. But - I've been on it the last few days. We now have an ENORMOUS suitcase of presents for the DC and I'm not unpacking it them till we have a bit more order in the house!

So, 2 days ago, DS and I tidied his room and sorted through some of his stuff. He moaned the entire time! But he did it.

Then yesterday, DH and I built DD's bed. It turns out the way to get him to do it was to say that I was going to do it myself and ask 10yo DS to help for the bits that need 2 people, without DH. DH managed to find the time then!

DD's room is small and so I moved out the drawers out now she has the cabin bed (we've recently hot a new wardrobe that fits the alcove for her, so more space to play and better storage). DD and I went through all her clothes, arranged them in the new wardrobe, all her books and toys and got rid of several to the charity shop. and stored what she's keeping in her room. There's room for more toys now - probably not all the new Christmas toys but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!

I also repacked 4 heavy boxes of books into 8 not-so-heavy boxes I can actually lift, ready to go to the attic. I discovered the attic was too full to easily take 8 new boxes, so had a dig around. OMG we have a load of crap up there! I brought down 4 massive bags of clothes, shoes & baby stuff.

One of them was a huge bag of DS's stuff I'd put aside to hand down to DD and totally forgotten about, most of it is a size too small now - so that can go to my niece for her DC.

I put 8 boxes up in the attic, and then sorted through the clothes & shoes at bedtime while singing to both children (I stand between their rooms so they can both hear me). Multitasking!

Almost all of it went in the bin or to charity.

It doesn't look like that much written down, but I've hardly stopped!

Next, I need to work out if I can slide a filing cabinet we don't need down the stairs by myself or if I need to wait till DH is having a good day, back-wise. I'm going to take all the stuff out of it and then just see how heavy it feels, before considering moving it.

Forgot to do online shopping, car is going to the garage tomorrow and we desperately need a weekly shop, so that was a bit silly. But overall I'm feeling it's a positive end to the year.

Happy New Year (nearly) everyone :)

Congrats OP - sounds like you have hit the ground running. You have inspired me to get a move on finally sorting through the new Christmas presents in my wardrobe- put up on Christmas Day as we had guests for dinner - and the playroom tomorrow.

Once emptied, if you take the drawers out and carry them down, it might be light enough to slide.
Well done OP! You did lots. I only wonder if you'll ever need the 8 boxes of books again?