How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

Personally I would take this approach I helped a friend with a few years ago....

We sorted the entrance hallway. Set ourselves a 20min timer and just cracked on. Shoes into a box / tub / shoe cupboard, coats hung up, rubbish binned. Between us we were done in 15mins despite the starting point and rewarded ourselves with a cuppa and biscuits. 15-20mins is manageable most days once a day.

The rule was that space had to stay clear...and every night she came home she was welcomed by a clean hallway even if the rest of the house was still in need of help.

After cuppa we moved onto 20mins in the lounge... if you really put your all into it, difference will made! Start with the sofas for example so you have somewhere nice to sit ... all rubbish away and clothes to the right rooms if not the right drawers for now. We started with a box in the bedroom foe clean clothes and once the bedrooms were done they made their way to the drawers.

Again a break and cuppa once done. If you did 20mins every day and just maintained the rest it would look better within days :) if your husband is unwell and better with standing jobs could he be in charge of breakfast whilst you do the 20mins and dinner whilst you do the evening 20?

Your brother taking your DCs for a day and a night is a nice family gesture but you're complaining. A whole day and night with them out of the way..at least a little bit of sorting can be done

He didn't do that. He won't take more than one at a time. We didn't get a day with them out of the way, that's my point. He doesn't get it.

I'm not complaining about him taking my kids, it's lovely that he did.

I'm complaining about him making a big deal about how how was going to be more helpful as an uncle, and feeling all magnanimous about how helpful he is, when it's not that much really.

When he made his grand statement about being more supportive, it sounded to me as if he understood that kids free time would be really helpful and that it would be often enough to make some kind of difference. Otherwise why not just say - I'd like to take the kids out? Fine. But why make out it's a massive favour to me?

We have to meet him half way to drop the kids off, so one of us drives them an hour to the station, so it also means one of us has to do a 2 hour round trip, both days.

What would have been helpful would have been him coming down here, taking them both out for an afternoon, maybe once every couple of months. That's what I thought he meant when he said he was going to be more helpful.

Are you off today? Could you try to clear the downstairs hall? Or whatever room you first prioritise? Just get a load of bin bags and be really, really ruthless. Chuck clothes, majority of coats, random bags of stuff. Then you can come back tonight and tell us how it went?

I've just discovered a programme on Netflix called 'Consumed'. It deals with families where the house has just got away from them (not long term hoarders with piles of damp newspapers etc). I don't know if it translates to someone doing it on their own but the process is

1. pack up the whole house bar essentials for 2 weeks and all the stuff goes in storage unit or thrown away.
2. live in lovely clear house for 2 weeks.
3. Return to storage unit and ruthlessly go through belongings (time limit set so this doesn't drag on). Aim is to only take 25% of stuff back home. Even if this isn't feasible on your own it's quite eye opening and motivating to watch.

I sympathise, I have a lot of practical and health issues and no help too.

Very short bursts help me, both because I have very little available time or energy and because I lack focus and drive. Once a week I watch something on TV and spend the adverts tidying - those 4x 3 minute bursts are surprisingly useful for doing tasks I'd otherwise avoid. You could do the same but just set a timer and go at it.

I built a cabin bed myself, yes there was swearing and pain involved but if I can do it in the state I was in then anyone can

I'd do the stairs first so it's safe to move around, then the hallways. The more you get out the house the less you have to tidy up. When you have a clear hallway at least it feels calm and less stressful whenever you come and go from the home!

Is it possible to take a couple of weeks off work to be dedicated to clearing your house? Could someone else cover those duties? If you were ill they'd have to manage and if you don't get on top of this you could end up ill..... Anxiety/emotional exhaustion.

I’ve got a handyman. Well, it’s a friend’s husband and he turns up with a toolbox and does the little jobs I haven’t got round to eg fixing the door handles, broken drawers etc. I paid him £30 to put together my dd’s new cabin bed the day after it arrived which was well worth it.

I agree with the 15 minute timer. I put on some music and go for it and occasionally I am motivated to do a bit more than 15 minutes.

When dd was out for the day recently (rare) I tackled her bedroom, chucked out tons, hoovered behind the bed and I felt so much better knowing it was clean and sorted.

The problem is keeping on top of it isn’t it and reading this has spurred me on to sort out the house before Christmas especially the hallway as that is bugging me so thanks for this thread.

I sympathise, I really do.

However a lot of your posts are just excuses, reasons why suggestions won’t work, blaming others for their lack of help.

The honest truth is, you just have to do it. There are no shortcuts, no hidden tricks, just hard work and getting your head down

I suffer with anxiety and I let lots of things slide and get on top of me but honestly, there’s no magic fix to get out of it.

Good luck.

Ok do this. You will be working on tasks for 4 hours a day.

Project 1. Kitchen - Clear a space on a workshop ( even if that means heaping somewhere else ) Open a food kitchen cupboard. Put everything out of date in the bin / bin liners. Everything in date,wipe clean put on workgroup. Once cupboard is empty, clean cupboard and put back in date food, close cupboard. Work through all food cupboards in the same way. If you have time tackle others cupboards with crockery, cooking utensils. If you haven't used an item in 18 months or have 2+ more of an item _ get rid. Look at all your plates,cups,bowls etc. Throw away any chipped ones or if you have too many. Remember to wipe out cupboards before replacing items.
Now all cupboards are neat and tidy. Wipe the outside. Next is work surfaces. Tidy your tops by getting rid of anything you no longer use. Be ruthless on equipment that has just sat there unused. If any food item ( and in date ) wipe clean and put away. Clean work surfaces. Clean oven top / inside oven etc.
Remember you are working for 4 hours only.
Do this until kitchen is clean, all surfaces tidy / wiped down. Finally clear kitchen floor. Done.
Project 2. Bathrooms . Adopt same for out of date make up / toiletries. Medications in regard to out of date stuff. Clean out cupboards same as kitchen. Clean/ bleach _ basin/bath/ shower/ loo. Clean floor. Done.
.
Project 3. Living room. Take out anything that should not be there I.e. piles of clothes. Put anywhere except tidied rooms. Clean all surfaces. If you are into ornaments, decide to keep a few - not all. Move and hoover under furniture. Your kids are old enough to have toys in rooms only and to return to rooms after use. Get them to remove toys . Clear tables,coffee tables etc. Hoover floor. Done.

Project 4 Tidiest Bedroom. Start with the easy one. Sort clothes. Be ruthless on all clothes get rid if no longer fits. If damaged, or if you have excess ( sounds like your household has ) put away. Once all clothes away. Look at bedroom. Does it look like a place of calm ? Too much stuff ? Tidy surfaces ? Only keep one or two items. If kids room , put toys away. Get rid of broken stuff, books, no longer used items. Clean surfaces, Hoover. Done.
By now you know the drift. Get rid of clothes. Keep surfaces clear / clean. Put items away in the correct rooms. Keep on top of housework / letting it get out of hand, overwhelming you. It will take time. Have plenty of breaks.

Try Marie Kondo - The Life Changing Magic Of Tidying to get on top of stuff, and then the organised mum method to keep on top of it when you're done.

Marie Kondo is great at addressing why we don't want to throw things away and helping us to let go. She also advocates tidying by category instead of by room. So, if you start with clothes, you pile up every single item of clothing in the whole house in one room. Anything not in the pile must automatically be discarded if you find it later. You pick up each item of clothing and decide if it makes you feel joy. If it does, keep it, if not, discard it. Don't worry about finding homes for things until all items are done. Really really recommend going to the library and spending a day reading it. The book changed my life.

Have you got a car?

Front room: rock out the bin liners and start filling them. Charity stuff straight on the back seat. Rubbish straight into the boot. Do a solid hour then drive straight to the tip and charity shop.

I use these Aldi bags for clothes. Out of the machine into a bag per room. They're pennies.

Fill one with upstairs stuff to keep as you fill the bin bags. Your dp can surely help with some of this even with health conditions. Even just by encouraging you?

OK, today. What I didn't mention in this is that DH and I had a huge row last night, it's partly why I was up so late.

To do:

Today I need to - finish the cup of tea I'm drinking, step 1.
Get DD bathed and hair washed. She was so tired last night, I said we could do it this morning.

Help DS with homework.

Do about an hour or two of my work.

Take DD to her dance class. She's doing a little show at her class today - it's not a massive production or anything, just a chance for the grown ups to see what they've been doing, but it means a lot to DD.

DH - what to do, I don't know. He's in bed. I saw him just now, he hasn't slept at all. Our communication is so dysfunctional right now, if we haven even the smallest of cross words, it accelerates as DH takes any perceived criticism as if it's an attack. DH then gets really angry, and then he can't sleep as he spends all night stewing about what a terrible person he thinks he is. The depression takes him into a terrible spiral of doom. He can't see past it. Any attempts to get him out of it are met with rage - and then more self flagellation.

DH says he can't come, to DD's dance class. He's too strung out. I have to decide today what to do. He was storming about last night going on about getting himself sectioned. My judgement at 1am was he was just being dramatic. I've seen the inside of several acute mental wards when an old friend had a nervous breakdown, and they're not exactly therapeutic places. The last place I'd want to be if unwell tbh.

I said to him to try to get some sleep and if he still felt the same in the morning, then to go. He doesn't want to go now, but is still going on about how much he's losing it. He slept in the bed and I slept on the sofa last night. I'm really worried, last night was the worst I've seen him. This is escalating.

He needs help. I need to help him work out what help that is as he doesn't know who to speak to and is crap at reaching out for help. I need to do it as he won't do it for himself. He will just stew and make himself worse. He's already been to the doctors about his depression (after a lot of encouragement to seek help) and they gave him the number of a self referral place. They've arranged to talk to him on the phone once a week, that started last week. I don't know if he's explained that he feels suicidal - they don't seem to be giving him the kind of support a suicidal person needs. He doesn't like talking on the phone for a start. Face to face would have been better for him. But also - why doesn't he have a number to call? Why doesn't he know who to reach out to when he's low? Haven't they gone through that kind of thing with him? I don't know if he's genuinely suicidal or if it's angry posturing. I can't tell, but I have to take him at his word in case he really does mean it.

He asked for sleeping pills at the Drs last week (he had some before a while back to get him back into sleeping at night) but he was seeing a locum who said there wasn't enough time to talk about it and he'd need to make another appointment.

I also need to asses - can I go look after my dad tonight? If I don't go, will my Dad cope? If not, what are the options for helping my dad?
If I go - I need to get a train by about 5pm.

My family is in crisis right now. DH is in crisis. I'm going to have a chat with my dad today about what other help he can access, because I can't be dealing with all of this right now, it's too much.

DH says he's fine with the kids, he can just look after them on autopilot. But I'm worried after last night, that was another level.

I tried to talk to DB about what to do to get other people to help dad, but he thought I was trying to say he should do more - I wasn't, I was asking for his help in thinking through the options - but DB got really defensive and it was a pointless conversation. I will try to bring it up again in a way that won't piss DB off. My dad doesn't need ongoing care, he just needs some support right now as he wasn't well and is recovering. I don't know how much longer for, maybe just a few weeks now. Depends on what the Dr says.

So, tidying. Maybe 20 minutes of clothes. That sounds achievable.

I haven't read all the responses but wanted to reply because I've felt in a similar hole. In particular, the feeling of overwhelm and that I need "a day" to.... The problem is, we never get a day, do we? So the house got worse and worse and so did my MH.

What changed for me was the Organised Mum Method. Please keep reading! It wasn't the task list, it was a video of her saying "I have 10 minutes before we leave for school, so I'll put it to good use" and then she did something astonishing like clean the windows or something! It sounds ridiculous but my mind was blown! In my mind, I'd need a spare day to do something like that.

So, what I've been trying to do is go through a drawer or cupboard or put away clothes or something, every time I have 10 minutes. The difference in my house and mindset is amazing. I also suspect I have ADHD and definitely have an all-or-nothing approach to life. Breaking things down is really hard for me because I see everything as a whole, but it's life-changing if you can manage it.

Steala I'll have a look, thanks.

I've found I'm enjoying youtube videos recently, I'll give it a go.

You've been brave asking for help here. Do you think you could do the same in RL and ask a friend for help? Or even a few? Clearing equivalent of a painting party. Firstly, it would be more fun for you. Secondly, it's far easier doing something like that for someone else, as there's no emotion involved. I hate doing my own house, but would love the chance to help (ie nosy about) a friend's.

You've been brave asking for help here. Do you think you could do the same in RL and ask a friend for help?

We (stupidly, it now transpires) moved miles away from our old friends. I don't have anyone I'm close enough to here to ask that kind of thing, except one lovely friend who used to live with us (before it got so bad) - except she has health problems also so can't help.

My most helpful friend, the kind who would just come round, pull her sleeves up and help me get on with it - emigrated. Shame, I really need her! And she owes me a few massive favours (not that I'm counting!) I've thought about asking her if she can keep me company via Skype while I tidy, to keep me on task, that might work perhaps. Need to work with the time difference - 5 hours.

Aargh, I need to get out of this seat - tea definitely finished! So tired, easy to just slip into MNing.

But will kick myself up the arse and go run bath now...

Look just book the week off while the kids are at school and chuck out lots. Ask DH to do after school childcare so you have full days 9-9. It’s the sort of thing you need to throw yourself into completely. Then once all the crap is cleared from the house establish routines to keep it tidy. So allocate DH cooking/food shopping, kids tidy before screen used, clearing away before leaving the house first thing.

I don't have any leave left till the new year. I need to do this while working from home.

I did plan to an hours work, then an hours tidying, then work, then tidying etc. But I tend to get really absorbed in what I'm doing at work, and also feel pressured by deadlines and that ides never became reality,

I still think it's a good one, but really I need someone to say - come on, whatamess, it's time to tidy now. Pathetic I know!

Minor success - I found the hairdryer, that saves time I thought I'd need to spend on tracking it down!

OP, can I suggest that you first tidy a route through your home, so hallways, stairs and landing and any open plan rooms. Anything that doesn't belong, put it in the right room and deal with it in due course. If you find you have too many coats, shoes, whatever, deal with it now (charity, recycle, bin).

Don't put any more stuff in the fourth bedroom. Do that room last.

Then start on DC's bedroom, so that you can get someone in to build the cabin bed. If you can shut off the untidy rooms, and the hallway, stairs etc are now clear, you should not be embarrassed to invite tradespeople in. Anything that doesn't belong, put it in the right room and deal with it in due course. If you find you have too many toys, broken toys, outgrown clothes, whatever, deal with it now (charity, recycle, bin).

Repeat for other bedrooms (to sort out beds, filing cabinet etc). Anything that doesn't belong, put it in the right room and deal with it in due course. Any excess stuff, deal with it now (charity, recycle, bin).

Then repeat for living room, bathroom, kitchen, garden room and finally fourth bedroom. Keep a box to one side for paperwork and go through it last of all.

I think you are trying to do everything at once and it's overwhelming. Lots of helpful advice on here. Try not to procrastinate, even little and often will help.

You do have too many clothes. Organise a set of outfits to wear most of the time until you have time to organise your wardrobe and drawer spaces properly. At the same time, anything that doesn't fit or is too shabby, send to the charity shop or recycle.

Declutter as you go, the less useless stuff you keep, the easier it will be.

Good luck, and keep posting. I'd happily help you, no judgement, I find cleaning and tidying very therapeutic. Having a tidy home helps my mental health immensely .

Ignore my last post. Hopefully you and your DH can see the GP together. Medication is helpful

Hopefully you and your DH can see the GP together

Is that something that's OK to do? I would like to go with DH as I suspect he downplays it when he's at the Dr. But I wasn't sure if that was an acceptable thing to ask to do?

You've had lots of good advice.

I'd start by sorting the clothes into whos whos.
Then go through each pile (2 today, 2 tomorrow).
Start with yours and DH that should clear some space.

Put the storage together for the new cabin bed and get the stuff in it.

Even if DH can't do much to physically help, have him in the room with you, get him to sit and fold clothes, match socks, deal with paperwork.

I dont think anyone else has said this and apologies if they have, but your posts are full of markers for adhd predominantly inattentive type. My daughter has it and is medicated.
If you can afford a private appointment that would be your quickest route to a diagnosis, otherwise see your gp. In the meantime do some reading on the subject; adhd isnt an inability to concentrate as people think, it is difficulty regulating concentration. Hyperactivity and impulsivity won't neccessarily feature. Watch Jessica McCabe's TEDX talk "How to ADHD"
Clearing up your house is good but if you dont get to grips with the cause it will just keep on happening. Hope you get everything sorted, its awful x