How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

I am having a big sort out today. My method is going to be:

Downstairs first
4 types of bags

Rubbish
Charity shop
Stuff I want to keep but needs to be moved upstairs
Garage

Then once done I will move onto next floor
Let's do this !!!!!

Hi lovely.
Can I try a bit of straight talking ? I am a serious procrastinator, if it can be left or put off then I will take the easy and then panic like shit when the deadline looms. So I know all the excuses that you'll have told yourself. You start your responses with 'it'll never get done by Christmas' so you've already given up. When will your next deadline be after that ? In the meantime will the situation be getting worse with all of the Christmas clutter ? Absolutely yes!
Your mission, and you have to accept it for your own good, is to get this shit sorted.
I know how hard it is, you're effectively single parenting and working full time, but it totally CAN be done.
Write down your goals, and bloody well stick to them. You ARE going to sort out the recycling of all of those clothes, because your Christmas will be infinitely better if you do!!!
How many hours total do you spend either on your phone or watching tv ? Allow yourself a ten min play on either after a solid hour of sorting after the kids have been put to bed. You will get there, I believe in you

Op this may sound counter intuitive but personally I have to take a day off -regardless of how much mess there is - otherwise it just grinds me down and I find it difficult to do anything. Then I come back refreshed and and blessings of tackle this. Life has to be more than just cleaning.

Also rather than thinking of what to chuck. Why not think separate out what you need and then just get rid of the rest?

Good luck op.

You seem to have pinned your hopes for a better life on your brother helping you more!

I think you need to be clear with your brother how desperate you are to have some time without the kids in the house and let him know exactly how he can help best. Of course he may not be prepared to provide the kind of help you want the most but at least you will have asked.

I think setting a timer a few times a day is a great way to get stuff done when you don't have much time and feel overwhelmed.

If you have longer then do the konmari clothes purge all at once!

I'm so sorry, I posted mine an hour or so ago and it's only just reloaded. The thread has moved on significantly since then and it's more clear how much you have on your plate. So no tough love just a hug for you

Does your DB help with your dad? If he doesn't have kids then maybe he can do more. That would be more useful than taking your kids (which he won't do anyway).

I have ADHD and your best bet may be to hyperfocus on the house. If you could figure out a way to get everyone else out of the house, put on upbeat music and blast through the clothes, that could be incredibly uplifting.

Why does it matter if your DB feels attacked and as though you're asking for more help with your DF? You do need more help and if he feels guilty it's because he isn't doing enough! Why are you so worried that he might get upset? It doesn't sound as if he's a great source of support anyway - if he goes off in strop for a few months what have you actually lost?

You don't have to be aggressive, but what's wrong with saying calmly that you are doing everything for DF, and also have work, a sick husband and two children and he really isn't pulling his weight. DF is as much his responsibility as yours. Just because he lives further away and has a penis doesn't absolve him - he can take special or annual leave, or pay for a cleaner or other support worker for DF, or at least do the admin/busy work of organising other avenues of support and not leaving it all to you!

Other than that - this is more of a long term tip than a quick fix but you need to stop buying stuff! All of your issues with tidying are that there's just too much stuff; clothes, new bedframes - things don't just appear in the house on their own, you or DH need to be purchasing them! Obviously you can't cancel Christmas for the dc but limit the amount of unnecessary tat you might buy them and be strict with you and DH that you don't need to buy anything for each other.
If your DF and DB usually buy presents tell them the only thing you need is either practical help from DB or money to put towards the decluttering lady.

Then after Christmas just make it a blanket rule that you don't buy ANYTHING without throwing out at least two things first. So if you need a new top you need to get rid of several that don't fit first. If you think you need new bedframes then don't buy them until you've taken the old ones to the tip/given away on gumtree, even if it means a day or two sleeping on just the mattrress. That will focus your mind on putting the new ones together asap too!

Op sounds like you are in the right mindset to get sorted it least open to the idea.

For me the biggest difference is made by ALWAYS putting whatever you touch where it should be there and then.

You've found the hairdryer so when you've finished with it put it where it lives.

This means nothing gets worse and you are doing a little bit all the time.

You need to be productive when you aren't working if you have no time to take of.

ie today you said you had to:

Bath child - thats 20-30 mins you can clean bathroom whilst your in their watching them. don't keep anything you don't use regularly in there (fill bin bag with any crap, then wipe down surfaces)

Help child with homework - you should be helping guide them, not doing their homework. So 5 mins helping them start if needed, then can bag stuff up in rubbish bags and charity in the same room, just helping them as and when. If homework takes 30mins, thats another 15-20 mins of sorting

I would suggest you give yourself a bin or charity shop minumum sorted per day. Do it first thing. Get up 15mins earlier, and whilst still in pjs throw at least 30 items into either bin bag or charity. bin bag put straight outside into bin or boot for the tip, charity bag straight in car boot to take.

clothes wise, everyone needs far less. pick a number say 7 tops each, and ditch the rest.

Lots of good advice here. Personally I wouldn’t start with one room, I’d start with one shelf or one drawer. You will feel accomplished setting yourself a small, manageable target.

I’m a terrible hoarder and get attached to things sentimentaly. What helped me was thinking about the good that comes from charity shops. Toys and clothes shoved in a cupboard here could be sold and the charity make some much needed cash.

I would also stop paying the cluttering lady and use money saved for cleaner or an ironer.
You have a lot in your plate. It can’t be easy. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

You have too much stuff. You will not miss the stuff when you throw it away. Your head will feel lighter. Get bin bags and start filling them. Never mind filling stuff for charity shops, just throw it away. Clothing - no doubt you have too much. Nobody needs gazillions of coats for example.
Are you sure you don’t have a friend who can help? I love a good declutter and I’d be happy to help a friend in need. I think I’d love this as a job actually! I am quite ruthless though. How much are you paying this declutterer?

With the sorting stuff
1/ do a timed amount say 20 mins ,
2/ if you get 'stuck' ie not sure what to do with item, procrastinating , memory lane , put item down move away and start again at another area ,
3/ once charity bags / rubbish bags are full remove from premises , it will clear both the area and your mind plus it stops you wanting to rummage and rescue stuff
4/ keep nagging away at it , 20 mins x 3 times a day multiplied by 6 days a week is 6 hours , that's time to make a huge difference
5/ focus on what can be got rid of out of the house leaving space for what is kept
6/ do not replace with more items - think of the money you can save by using what you already have

Where about do you live , if it's close by I would be happy to give you a few hours help decluttering

my dh had a breakdown a couple of months ago and he went to the gp who referred him to the community mental health team, a couple of days later not heard anything so called back. crisis team took over and have been fab, coming to the house to visit every couple of days and reviewing his meds etc.

lots of helpful suggestions about how to just get started, but something which really struck me when i read it years ago, was about the Toothbrush Principle. You never lose your toothbrush, do you, and that's because it has a place to live, and it always gets put back there. So everything needs its "toothbrush" place to go to.

In your case, it seems like clothes are the most overwhelming item at the moment. Take a minute and think about why clothes never get put away, it's most likely because your drawers and wardrobes are full to overflowing already, yes? So what you need to do is clear those first of all, as there's no point shuffling piles downstairs from washing machine to sofa to kitchen table to floor to wherever. Look at how many drawers you have per person, allocate them in your head if there needs ot be some juggling (ie if the DC don't need all the drawer space in their rooms, you could take a bottom drawer for winter jumpers eg). Then pick a person (I'd suggest you for maximum feel-good, or a DC as their clothes will be smaller, therefore quicker to deal with), and empty one of their drawers of the current contents. I'd imagine most of what's there can go straight out (charity shop or bin) as if you liked it/it fit, it would be in one of the other piles, leaving you with an empty drawer. Hurrah!

Now go downstairs and collect up all your underwear/pyjamas, fold and put away. That's now your knicker toothbrush place :) All underwear goes there STRAIGHT AWAY once it's dry (that bit is really important, even if it means singing "knickers in the drawer" as you sort the dry clothes so you don't get distracted and put them down somewhere else).

Repeat with the next drawer/clothing category/person. And remember all the other advice above: don't buy more stuff; chuck out straight away, don't let it linger; see it as a process, and something is better than nothing.

and take time for you, just to sit for a minute and breathe (easier said than done I know), you need to make sure you don't crack under all the pressure you're under, so do what you can to carve out a bit of time for you.

I'm doing this today , it's feels so good . My Dp is on his 3rd trip to the tip and I've got 6 black bags to take to the charity shop Monday . I've been ruthless today . Anything I've not touched in 6-12 months . It's all gone . Feels amazing

Just go and buy bin liners and start separating into plastic , glass , paper . Don't think just throw . Actually doesn't take that long . X

I'm another 1 for lists.

When I do a deep clean whole house I start upstairs. So then any rubbish or pots found come down with me and I'm not running up and down. I always do the kitchebblast because that is the room everything gets dumped in.

In your situation, could you start in 1 room and write a list of things that need doing in that room.

E.g: your bedroom.

1. Sort/put away all clothes you can see
2. Make bed
3. Bag up any rubbish/move any crap
4. Wipe round
5. Hoover

Breaking it down like that works well. Set timer on your phone for 30 mins. When timer goes off go make a cup of tea and have 10 mins. Go back up for another 30 mins etc

If you can afford a skip do it! Be ruthless and start throwing everything not needed, broken etc in it. Get the kids involved as much as possible. Get your DH doing what he can. If he can stand to cook a meal and wash pots I'm sure he can stand to gold some clothes and sort into piles on the bed and then help put then away.

I know what I would do here. Given that the clothes are the main problem by the sounds of it, I would get a skip, and a couple of friends, and ruthless clear out the 4th bedroom, keeping the absolute bare minimum, then get lots of cheap clothes rails from Argos and zillions of hangers, and literally go through every item of clothing, making a split second decision on each one (and non-wearing of it for a year being an automatic 'chuck' for the skip. Turn the bedroom then into a dressing room, as it does sound like that might help the storage issues. Gradually work through the rest of the house, getting the skip emptied and replaced if necessary. Imagine how you will feel when it's all clear. A huge reward!

Whereabouts are you OP? I’d gladly come and help for a day for free, I love bringing order to chaos

Get off this thread and go and crack on! Sounds like you have way too much stuff. Good luck, sounds like you've had some tough times.

OP are you sure your and your DH’s mental health issues aren’t contributing to hoarding?
It sounds as if you know you don’t need all this stuff. If you hired a skip you could clear most of the junk in a day.
Have you got a lovely friend who would be willing to come and help you?
It sounds to me as though you just need to throw loads out and take a huge bunch of stuff to the charity shop

I totally understand OP. If you could clear the hall and get the clothes off your bedroom floor, then you could get a handyman in to fix the beds and move the filing cabinet. You can close the door to the other rooms and he won't see them. Trust me, he'll have seen worse anyway. Imagine your relief if the beds were done and the cabinet moved? Tackling other stuff would get easier.
Can you take holiday from your job this month? Ideally a week. This is an urgent priority, so if you can take leave, do it. One thing you won't say when you're 80, is "I wish I'd worked more hours in the run up to that Christmas".
Good luck OP! Come back and give us updated success stories. You can do this!

I think @myvision has got it right- clear your drawers & wardrobe first then when you start to tackle the piles of clothes elsewhere, the bits you're keeping have got a home.

You clearly have a lot of clothes so can afford to be ruthless so go through the clothes in your bedroom first as if it's ripped, stained, bobbly, faded or in any way less than decent looking then bin it no matter how much you liked it once! If it doesn't fit you AT THE MOMENT or you just don't like it, then charity shop bag. Everything else gets folded into an appropriate drawer or hung up. If there's no enough room for everything, start again and be more ruthless. And once you're room is cleared of clothes expect those you've put away, move on to the next room. Bin, charity of keep and once you have a small pile of keep clothes, go and put them away.
Good luck and you''ve got a lot going on so be kind to yourself and remember even one small bag binned helps!

1 Us ADHD people love. A list. Separate the jobs and write them on post it notes then when you’ve done a job chuck it in the bin.

2 Get enough sleep; plan ahead to avoid stress, eat wel, and try to meditate, it will make you a better person.

3 Try CBD oil. In small doses it’s a mild sedative that shuts your mind up enough to order your mind and get more done.

4 Get help from friends and family,; ADHD gives you low self esteem and you start to believe you don’t deserve help, you do.Time yourself

5 Time yourself, work for half an hour and see how much you’ve done, then you’ll have an idea of how quickly you can get through things.

6 Four hours to do half a room is way too long, get rid of as much stuff as you can.

I’ve just moved house and it was hell. II went off plan and off my head with anger and stress. I’m about to go minimalist because I can’t cope with stuff.

You have a hell of a lot on your mind, don’t beat yourself up.

Good luck.