How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

Where abouts are you? If I were near I would come and help you for free! I love doing de-cluttering and cleaning as it really helps my MH and we have far too much stuff.

I've been procrastinating about replying to your post as I really want to say yes, I'd love help, but I feel inhibited to say that for some reason.

But sod it. I'm going to say what I really want to. I'm in the South East. I'd love help. What I really need is someone to drink tea with and help keep me focused and to say stuff like "that top you're holding has a hole in it, you don't really need it do you". I can supply tea and cake and gin!

OP, it sounds stressful. You need to get rid of most of your stuff so you can relax in your own home.
It's not going to do itself and it sounds like you're not making time for it. I totally understand, by the way. Can you start by purging the clean clothes? You each need a max of 10 outfits, so choose 10 and charity shop the rest.
Then you'll have some of your floor back.
Also as pp suggested, big plastic box for paperwork.
Good luck!

labazs cross posts. I have nice coffee! I'm in the South East. I don't know if you really meant it and if so then please ignore me! But if you happen to be down the road I'd love help. I don't need help actually tidying. I've realised I need company to stay on task. It really helps. That's what the decluttering woman is all about.

Marie Kondo The life changing magic of tidying up

The Organised Mum Method

You’re welcome 😇

PartOstrich very astute. Yes, DS is high functioning autistic (like my Dad, I very strongly suspect).

I had a revelation about medication for ADHD courtesy of MN by the way.

I've been waiting for an assessment for ADHD (and yes, innatentive fits me, from what I've read). I've been saying to myself, I don't want medication or anything - I just want to understand myself a bit better so I can work out how to make things a bit easier in the future.

But then I read a thread here, where someone was asking for help as she'd run out of her ADHD meds and she wouldn't be able to get any more for some time (a few days? I forget). She was asking for help with managing her disorganisation as she said without her meds she was back to being disorganised.

A penny dropped for me on that thread. I realised, I'd never considered that meds for ADHD would actually work! I'd been surprised that this poster was saying she was noticably more functional when taking them.

I don't know where I'd got the idea they didn't work from, and it wasn't something I was conscious of till that thread.

Now I think - if there's a chance they might actually work, I'm all for trying them!

If you have that much stuff to be honest I’d just bin most of it. I wouldn’t fuck about trying to decide charity shop, eBay or bin. Just bin. You’ll never get round to charity shop or eBay, and it adds decision making burden.

We need a lot less stuff than we think.

Also read the kon Marie book as the category thing is good.

I know you said you’re not getting on well with dH but can you get one of the children to sit with you and help keep you on task? Pay them??

delboysskinandblister thank you

Your thread made me cry. (But that's OK). It was the beginning bit and the "you first". I'm so far from me first. I'm pissing about in the quagmire most of the time.

What's a "jollop" btw? Wondering whether a typo or a mysterious thing I've never heard of?!

can you get one of the children to sit with you and help keep you on task? Pay them??

I like your thinking - but sadly, no! Both of them would either complain bitterly that it's not what they wanted to do, or talk incessantly at me about something like Minecraft in mine bending detail!

Also, DS has massive hording tendencies! I've tried to get him to help with the recycling, but he wants to keep every single bit in case he needs it for a craft project. He'd have huge issues with me throwing anything away.

DD is naturally the most tidy out of everyone. I need to cultivate it in her as I can see she's being influenced by the rest of us and becoming more messy, but she's always been good at putting stuff away. I need to get her involved in doing small tasks so she doesn't lose her tidiness.

And I need to involve DS in small tasks too so he learns this stuff.

Both are a long game though - something that takes me longer to supervise than do myself right now.

Also stop buying stuff. Totally. It will really help.

I would just work every night till midnight till it was done. Really most things you and everyone else are saying is just loud noise. The only way to solve this is work. Just put the hours in and then it’ll be done.

Whoops have read more of thread and see lots of people have said the same.

In all honesty I'd start with a skip. To make a start so you can really see a quick difference get a skip for the weekend and blitz your room - that's probably the one that might improve how you and your DH feel if you've got a calm space to go to. Then concentrate on the communal areas.

*The declutteriing person isn’t getting through much with you.

pay for more childcare instead

This is perfectly logical, except...

We sent the DC away to stay with the ILs this summer so we could get on. I hoped we'd get lots done. We didn't. The decluttering lady is about keeping me on task. I find it hard to stay on task without company if it's a big job. This is something I've accepted this year, instead of continually setting myself up to fail.

The main other way I can do it on my own is at the very last minute, in an absolute panic, because someone's coming to stay. This isn't sustainable for such a big job, and it's unhealthily stressful.

Or, shorter tasks.

Or maybe I can trick myself into staying on task somehow. Like Skyping my mate while I tidy or maybe listening to podcasts will do it (haven't tried yet) or something.

Nooooo! I'm in the North West op near Liverpool. I'm really glad though that you responded because it shows how much you want to do this, I just wish I was down the road :)
Keep posting though and we can help you from afar. Hope your dad is ok and well done for today. Your thread has inspired me today to tackle dd's room.

Op, do you have any pictures so we can work out what sort of help you need ?

You're most welcome. Sorry I say Jollop when I mean any medication. The other important item is keys! Make sure you have designated place for all these everyday must have items. that's one job done. Tick VG!

You have to put your first in order to sort the backlog of stuff and then manage the ongoing stuff. You said yourself you've been going to counselling seeking help. You must put yourself first because you will and have become engulfed and that's no help at all.

Have things like your bed made, a meal waiting, know where your immediate daily items are otherwise you'll get disheartened at the end of a heavy day sorting when you realise it's silly o'clock and you've still got supper to make and you can't find your keys and it suddenly becomes 'OHH I'm just going to give up on this mountain it's been here this long it will wait another month'

So, get those manageable jobs done and then your attention is focussed tub 1, then 2) etc. It doesn't matter if it's just 1 tub a day.
It's one less tub for tomorrow

Ask for the CBD and get yourself on a waiting list. If DH won't listen on this or you sense it escalating then just revert to The Approach - lead by example. At least you KNOW that's one thing you can achieve. The amount of sheds at home we cleared, rooms we decorated, garages and lofts we have sorted out in every house we lived in just buy spending a short time prepping on 'me' first so that if you do feel like collapsing or you are ill or the apocalypse happens that you have a bed and the dinner are made in advance
-addsceleryandonionstoshoppinglist--

One tub at a time...

Could do help you by being the one in the room saying 'that game has 4 bits missing, bin it'

A joint effort could bring you closer?

Hi OP, just to say hang in there. It can be done. I am a level 1 hoarder and it's much worse when I'm stressed out and depressed. Weirdly I can also swing over to the other end of the spectrum and during certain times in life I have been quite a perfectionist, borderline OCD.

Clothes in piles are the bane of my life. What's recently helped me sort out the house after 3-4 year's of neglect are:

1. Help - DH is increasingly understanding my issues and is physically able to help me. For example he'll say: "I've now set up cardboard boxes in the living room, two for the tip, two for the charity shop, I'm leaving at 3pm, start filling them up!" Installing decent storage is also a part of this.
2. Getting healthier in myself so I've actually got the mental and physical energy to make a start. And make a start again the next day. It adds up! And it feels so good. Worrying about the state of things and "the room house of shame" is more stressful than dealing with it little by little.
3. Deadlines are your friend. In a week it's the school Christmas Fair and they are looking for clothes and toy donations. I have cleared out at least 3 big bin bags from each of the DCs rooms and chucked 1-2 bags, their little faces were a picture. I'm rooting for you.

You can do this op!! I wish i lived near you I would come round!
Im a messy person in areas people dont normally see as in open a cupboard and pots avalanche onto your head.... or downstairs looks great then my bedroom got all the mess thrown into it!
But I am improving i took loads pf stuff i was saving for a car boot sale etc to charity shop as I literally had nowhere to store it anymore and it was becoming suffocating and i knew bootsale wouldn’t be happening anytime soon.
Took loads to charity shop and felt much better once it was gone.

Does your local supermarket have a clothes recycling bank in the carpark? If it does anything youve sorted today thats to small etc throw it in the boot and recycle it tomorrow if your going to the shop i try to take a bag of textiles with me everytime no matter how big or small. Otherwise i find myself piling it back into the mess heap or thinking to hold onto it.
Do take before and after pics no matter how small the task it does encourage you when your feeling like haven’t achieved much xx

Could dp help you by being the one in the room saying 'that game has 4 bits missing, bin it'

This is what I wish, so much, was possible.

It's just not. At the moment we'd end up arguing for a start. Our communication is fucked right now.

OP I really think you need to do the 4 th bedroom first. You say you dont know what is in there so just empty it into a skip and charity bags.
You will then have the space to throw all your other crap in there to sort later.

I know you dont want to do it as it is the worst but you dont need any of the stuff in there so it will actually be the easiest to just get on and empty.Hire a skip for a week and start chucking put a note out that anyone can take what they want from the skip and new items will be added daily.
Call a charity to come and collect. British heart foundation i think will take furniture too.

Best of luck

Hi, just to say that `i really sympathise, especially with having an elderly relative to care for. Don't underestimate how much that wipes you out. I am on my own with 3 dc most of the time, I work and do all paperwork /admin tasks/ wife work etc...I feel your pain...I would just say that my top tip is focus on one room first. Start on the front room. Get it ready for Christmas. Be kind to yourself. Don't think about the whole house, who cares about that? make one clean cosy space. (maybe after that you can manage another space but don't put pressure on yourself.) Do this room bit by bit, Say tonight, I will clear the table top. Thats all, just that space, I can do it. etc.. even if theres stuff you can't deal with and can't throw out, bag it up and stick it in 4th bed for now. (obvs not everything) Then tomorrow clear one space of floor, even if you just pick up clothes to go in washing pile, coats to go in coat cupboard etc.. tell the family that the front room will be beautiful for christmas, try to get them on board and ban any junk...anyway i find that system works....good luck, I'm with you!! XXX

I'm feeling inspired by this thread. Did a lot of clearing out a while ago but things are starting to look disorganised again. I agree with much of what's been said. Stuff needs to leave the house. Lots of clothes need to go. It doesn't really matter how you do it or where they go, the bottom line is a lot of stuff needs to leave your house. Get stuff out by the shed load! Charity shop it, recycle it, bin it, whatever. Get it out!

I appreciate you have a lot going on though!

Watching cleaning videos on YouTube is weirdly motivating for me, channels like Vasseur Beauty or Emily Norris.