How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

Sorry, I mean it'd be 3 bed frames in the house waiting to be built and generally getting in the way!

Also sorting the hall - I feel much better if the hall is clear (don't know why!)

I did the upstairs hall for the first time in ages, and it felt great when I waled upstairs, forgetting it was tidy and was surprised by how clear it looked!

I wrote a priority list (like you have) and tasks within each room.
I got my plastic boxes - one for each child's toys, one for paperwork. I got rid of toys (& they didn't miss them). My paperwork box is full & needs sorting - I'm working up to that, but at least I know it's all in one place!

Every now and again I take half a day off work, with a set list of achievable tasks. It feels great to complete them. Or I'll rope my OH in to do some in the evenings (I'm the one with the dodgy health so I'll sort and he'll load the car).

I have times where it does build up again (our spare room is currently full of kids clothes that need to be sorted into age categories for the youngest, or donated). As you say, if it's all in one room you can shut the door and forget about it . But I try to keep on top of it as much as I can by doing little bits everyday, and by being ruthless - I feel loads better having clear space around me.

Another thing I've found is having one of those cordless vacuum cleaners makes keeping on top of cleaning so much easier than when I had to lug the heavy dyson out of the cupboard.

Definitely do DD's bed - if you can clear her room so you're not embarrassed by the mess get a friend in to help (I certainly wouldn't judge you). That sounds like it would make all the difference.

I really sympathise, it sounds like you have so much on - and I agree that sometimes you don't have the headspace to get things sorted, even though that would really help your headspace.

You don't need loads and loads of clothes OP. You have to learn to let go. I've been there. Once you admit you won't live long enough to wear every clothing item you have, and that your DCs also won't even get to wear stuff as they'll have grown out of it, then you can tackle it. Nobody needs huge amounts of clothes.

You cannot organise if you have too much stuff. It's impossible.

Do little and often. Don't think about the end game or hugeness of jobs, just start

If you don't lift stuff up and out of your house then you'll be in same position next year. It needs to go through your front door and not return

There are companies that buy 2nd hand clothes and shoes, they come to your door so it's convenient. Look them up online. They won't give you loads of money, but your clothes are in your way and not making you any money now are they? They're just clutter in your home.

If you've got too many pots pans plates bowls etc - stick them in a box and take them to the charity shop. Again, nobody needs loads of pots pans and plates.

If you've got too many bedsheets and towels - same principle, get rid of some. Ditto old toys and books.

Look up Magpie online too, see what they'll take.

You need someone who will actively and physically sort the mess with you, i.e. be in a room with you help you sort stuff into 3 piles. Keep - Maybe - Chuck. Once that's done be ruthless with the 'Maybe' pile. Then get the stuff out of your house.

4 hours spent in one room and only making 50% headway isn't productive enough, especially between 2 people. The system isn't working for you so there's no point continuing in that way.

Seperate the 2 issues - clutter, and cleaning. Get the clutter out of the house 1st, no excuses. Then do the Organised Mum Method.

Good luck

Start with the clothes on the floor of your bedroom. Get 3 bin bags or baskets & label them charity, to keep & laundry.

Sort clothes into appropriate bag/ basket.
It sounds like you've got too many clothes because you're buying things to wear because you can't find anything.

Old, too small clothes to go straight to the charity bag and put straight into your car boot.

Clothes to keep - put them straight into hangers or into piles sorted as a complete outfit. For e.g. jeans, top & jacket/cardigan.
Any clothes that can't be sorted into an outfit goes straight to the charity shop.

Repeat the system for each room. Just make it your job one day to clear the clothes. Your dh can sit in a chair and sort the clothes too as well as your dc. Put some music on, open the windows and aim to clear the floordrobe.

Get a handy man in to finish building the bed and any other unfinished jobs.

Do you need to remove the cabinet from your house? Then call the British heart foundation to come and remove it for free.

www.bhf.org.uk/shop/donating-goods/book-a-free-furniture-collection

Do you know of any family or friends teenagers who want to earn a bit of cash before Christmas doing clearance for you?

A couple of links for you and your husband, he may be able to help with some bits - he can sit on the sofa if needed and fold and sort stuff

www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/emergency-cleaning/?pagenum=1

www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/category/life-happens/#content

www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/the-depressionmessy-house-cycle/?pagenum=1&category=life-happens

www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/asking-for-help/?pagenum=1&category=life-happens

www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/how-do-i-keep-the-place-clean-when-no-one-will-help-me/?pagenum=1&category=life-happens

Also take before and after photos, so you can see the blind spots and the progress (holds your hand)

sort through the coat pile and donate it to a scheme like this wrap up London or this Winter coat campaign

I'm a terribly untidy person . I am also a paid cleaner!

This is what I do when things get on top of me:

I have to make lists.: A typical list would be:

1. Dark wash on.
2. Put away 50 things in kitchen .
3. All washing up.
4. 10 minutes tidying bedroom.

5.10 mins tidying dining room.

1. Iron 10 things in ironing basket.
2. Sort one drawer of clothes and put out stuff for charity.

8.Vacuum two rooms . 9.Put up shelf/re hook curtains/ fix tap etc. 10.sort out cutlery drawer.

I am very disorganized in my own home, I can only get by by making lists .

Get your kids involved by making it fun for them. Put a timer on for 15 minutes & challenge them to fill as many bin bags full of rubbish/ old toys or book.

Give them a bin bag or basket and get them to pick out their own clothes into it. Then you can quickly sort the out grown clothes for the charity shop.

TheBaltictriangle all those suggestions involve inviting people into the house. I really can't do that until it's a bit better.

As for family, my dad's too old to help, DH's family are too far away and my brother is too busy - and would just get pissed off anyway.

He tends to suggest unrealistic things, then tell me it's all my fault when I don't do exactly what he's suggested. He doesn't have kids and doesn't get it. He announced he wanted to help me by being a better uncle a year ago and seeing the DC more. Brilliant! The DC love him.

He's taken each of them out for the day and to stay at his for a night, once since then, for their birthday treat from him. He'll only take one child at a time.

I mean it's lovely he took both of them out for their birthdays, but it doesn't quite match up to his grand statement of being helpful. But I digress...

www.aslobcomesclean.com/?m

Cleaning lists

Yes, you are digressing OP. You need to let go of hoarding your stuff or your house will be cluttered and uncleanable forever.

There are suggestions all over thread that don't necessarily involve inviting people into your home.Just someone coming to your door to collect. If you get rid of the smaller items there'll be less mess, after that's done you can arrange for the bigger items to be collected.

Your husband is unwell - it is what it is, he will have to do the sit down jobs.

Your brother taking your DCs for a day and a night is a nice family gesture but you're complaining. A whole day and night with them out of the way..at least a little bit of sorting can be done

You don't have to be an "all out hoarder" to be a hoarder. There are different levels. Hoarders will blame others for this and that and have a myriad of excuses, but it's still the case you have too many things in your home and it needs to go.

There are some great articles online re hoarding etc. It's not easy to get past but being buried by mountains of stuff is awful, especially when it starts to affect mental health as it has done to your husband. & it must affect you too.

Get rid, and on the road to feeling better.

MistressDeeCee - he only took one kid at a time. Won't take both. It could've been more work as the one left behind wouldn't have had a playmate. Still nice but not an amazing help.

Drastic times call for drastic measures... it’s the time and mental energy that’s needed to sort it that’s stopping you so bypass that and get rid of the lot. You don’t need it if it’s just piles of stuff that you can’t even identify. If you needed X item would you know where to find it?
Get a skip for non clothing items and get rid.
I’d bag the clean clothes, load the car and take them to the charity shop. Get shut of the bulk of the mess and once you’ve cleared and managed to clean the place treat yourself to clothes that fit and can be put away because you’ve got rid of the mess.

Hi op, I totally get where you're coming from. I have a chronic illness and OCD and when I have a flare up my house takes the hit. Admittedly, it's not on the same scale
as yours but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel :)

I suggest you take a look at Clutterbug on YouTube, she's brilliant and has helped me so much. She aims to get as much done in the least amount of time and is massively into storage and de-cluttering and uses a method called the "21 item toss" and it's been life changing for me.

Where abouts are you? If I were near I would come and help you for free! I love doing de-cluttering and cleaning as it really helps my MH and we have far too much stuff.

I've recommended CB on the cleaning threads several times as have others. When I have her on in the background I get twice as much done. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Ps I'm doing a December whole house de-clutter and clean for Christmas so if you want a buddy then count me in :)

2 things; have you been assessed for dyspraxia? A lot of things you said point to that.
If your dh is in pain sleeping on a couch is a disaster for that.

Konmari

Order Marie Kondo's book - do what she says

Use flylady

Only keep it if you love it or you actually need it. Hint - you don't need that book you got 3 years ago and never read, or 30 mugs - you need mugs x however many family members plus maybe 2 extra for visitors

If you don't keep it you don't ever have to tidy it! 💐 good luck

I’d do 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening. Set a timer. Use your lunch break to take that stuff to the charity shop.

Then the weekend to actually do some cleaning of the room that you got rid of stuff from. If the week wasn’t enough to finish the room, finish it then.

Spend your money on getting a handyman in to do the things your DH can’t instead of on the decluttering lady.

As others have said, be ruthless. You clearly have too much stuff, it needs to go!!

I second Kon Marie, especially in your circumstances. Get her book ‘The life-changing magic art of tidying’. Her principles are that you can’t tidy clutter. So you have to go through your things but you tidy by category not room. You have to assess each item and see if it sparks joy. If it bring you joy, you keep it. If it doesn’t, you don’t. You start with clothes because they don’t tend to be too sentimental (I do have a few bits of my Mum’s who passed away because they still bring me joy). I did this about 3 years ago. DH agreed to help, we hired a skip and I did charity shop runs, after years of me hanging on to things (well, hoarding!) I finally got rid of stuff. I am also more careful about what I buy/bring into the house now.
Now I follow The organised Mum and keep on top of things. I have ASD and really struggled until I got on top of things.

I would agree with getting the bed sorted ASAP. for you and your DP, it’s awful for you both when one of you is in pain and low in mood.

I’ve been where you are and far worse. I married a hoarder. I’ve made huge improvements this year. The core of it is to get the stuff out.
We had a skip and threw as much as we could in it. I could fill another one with what’s in the loft but I’m not thinking about that yet. Agree with others about walkways and hall. Do whatever it takes to get these cleared. I had a landing on the stairs stacked 4 boxes high of stuff. Dangerous and depressing. I just said one day, I am clearing that today. Do one bit at a time. Don’t walk into other rooms and get distracted.
I also agree that your daughters bed should be a priority. You can search on Facebook for a handyman. Would be better spending your declutter money on him. Would take an hour or 2 max?
Then finish your living room. Start by clearing the seating area so people can sit down. Then clear everything off the floor. Then clean these areas. I know how awful and overwhelming it feels. But the more stuff you get out the better you feel. You just do not need 90% of the stuff in your house. You’ve just got to get it out. And don’t get caught up in how it goes and where it goes and selling it. That will distract you from getting it gone.
Some of the problem is actually caused by perfectionism. I know this sounds daft. But sometimes perfectionists think, “If I cant get it perfect then I can’t do it all”. That has been a problem for me. But you don’t have to be perfect, you only need to be good enough. You have to think, “I’ll do something today and that will make things a little better and that is GOOD ENOUGH.”
If you self sabotage by saying, “I must get this done by the time my friend comes” and then you don’t and you scold yourself and say,”See I knew I wouldn’t get it done, I knew am not good enough”. Then you feel you have proven your belief to be true and the cycle goes round and around. You have to break that cycle of thinking even though you don’t believe it yet. You have to prove yourself wrong.

@whatamessitallis You sound very overwhelmed by everything and I think you do need to be as realistic about what can be done without being weighed down by what’s happened before.

A lot of helpful tips and can easily be combined. E.g.: Using a decluttering method and hiring a skip for a week etc. That way you don’t make piles of things to throw away or donate and you actually get rid of things instead of getting overwhelmed by the piles of stuff that you’ve made.

As your DP isn’t well, as other pps have suggested, he can help with the sit down jobs and therefore can sit and make lists and help put stuff in bags that are in his vicinity of where he’s seated. I understand that he’s in pain but by keeping somewhat mobile without straining himself would be good for him. But I definitely do agree with a pp that sleeping on the couch won’t be good for his back.

Re your brother, if you have made headway with the piles of stuff to get rid, you can ask him to just help load things in the skip that way he’s not giving you unrealistic suggestions and you’re making good use of his presence 😛 Whilst he’s there, he can help with the bedfames as well.

Once you’ve made headway, invite a few friends over and ask for help. I’m sure they’d be more than happy to help and all they’d be doing is putting stuff in the skip for you or making trips to the charity shop so you needn’t feel so bad about asking for their help. You can treat them later if you want.

As for the 4th bedroom, transforming it into a useable space could be on your New Year’s resolution list. If you have a few ideas of what you’d like to transform the room into then that could help you have a goal to strive towards. It could become your games room or, since you work from home, you can transform into your office space or whatever you’d like it to be.

You’re doing a heck of a lot of juggling so you do need to focus on yourself as well so don’t be too hard on yourself

Can you arrange for a skip for a couple of weeks and just be utterly ruthless. If there are only 4 of you in the house there should not be that many clothes ... I honestly wouldn't bother with sorting bag for charity bags for rubbish etc...it's just adding in .more work. It sounds like you are utterly fed up and struggling and want to have s nice home for your children. Get s skip and throw.

You mentioned your thehallwsy and coats overflowing.. no one needs that many coats. Two each max. A warm winter waterproof one and a smarter /lighter one. Chuck the rest. Even if they are nice and will be worn occasionally! The only way to sort out in your limited time is by being very firm and strict. Cut everything down and put it in the slip. Once you start I'm sure you will start to feel better ...clearing small areas at a time x

I hope you manage to get sorted it sounds awful :( x