How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

But... I need DH to cooperate to do that..

Maybe go onto Pinterest and download a decluttering and cleaning check list. I know it helps me keep focused more and I love checking things off it

How old are your DC? Any chance of them helping you build the bed? My nearly 7 year old loves holding things in the right place etc, and is surprisingly strong!

Mrscog both more a hinderance that a help sadly!

DS is very keen to do things his own way, doesn't like instruction!

DD's also very keen, but too young and makes it harder.

Also her room is tiny!

I have a toy chest to build also, that's an easy build, she can help with that.

OK, DH has agreed Wednesday for bed building.

Updating my list:

• need to start putting 2 bags of clothes away before putting wash on
• a lovely person has PMed me and offered to keep me company on Skype while I sort the clothes
• looking into skip and hippo bags
• joined decluttering thread

To do:

• Weds: build DD's bed
• work out how much free time I have between now and Christmas to tackle this
• ,make plan / work out what else to add to this list!

Goal: be able to have friends over by Christmas

I can wrap presents as I buy them, stick them in the individual bags and its one less thing to do on Christmas Eve and less chance of them "nosing".

I tried that one year - but my memory is terrible! I lost the list of what was in them. And I couldn't remember. So I had to unwrap them all! (Well, some I got away with peeking, but still... )

This is a great idea! My stupid brain does seem to find ways to scupper the most cunning of plans though.

Blimey thank god for this thread
My house is stressing me outside so much what with full time working an errant toddler and a bone idle husband

Mind you, what I've done for about 3 years running now is wrap presents Christmas Eve or on Christmas morning. That's really stressful.

I MUST not do that this year. (Even though I promised that to myself last time).

Forget Christmas presents for now - focus on this week's plan! Getting the bed sorted sounds like a really good first step - working out the bottlenecks is key.

I know I sometimes struggle to keep on top of things. Do you have anyone who cna watch your children for a couple of days of a sleepover maybe?

Every now and then, DD will go and stay at my mums while DH is away and I just gut the place! I go through room by room with a bin bag and just clear it.

Have you tried following cleaning pages on instagram ? They do really help Mrs hinch is a great one she has so many storage ideas !!

I know I sometimes struggle to keep on top of things. Do you have anyone who can watch your children for a couple of days of a sleepover maybe?

No, unfortunately. This is part of the problem.

DF is too elderly.
DB will only take one at a time.
ILs very helpful, but too far away to take them for a weekend. Very happy to have them in the holidays. Next time that could happen is Easter.
No friends locally I can ask that of.

It doesn’t take much looking into skips. Find one online, book it tonight, have skip outside your house later in the week.

OP I know this isn’t helpful but you’ve inspired me this afternoon and I’ve filled 2 bin bags of excess stuff - I couldn’t even tell you what I’ve got rid of now
The crap just accumulates from nowhere doesn’t it

Brilliant news about your Dad, could you try to fill a bin bag of clothes when you get back?
I know you want to do a big blitz but if you just do a bit whenever you’ve got a spare bit of time (when DC are in bed for example) you really will start to see improvements

I’m aiming to fill another 2 bags tomorrow 🤞🏼

OP I know this isn’t helpful but you’ve inspired me this afternoon and I’ve filled 2 bin bags of excess stuff - I couldn’t even tell you what I’ve got rid of now

Congratulations! Well done :) or ?

The crap just accumulates from nowhere doesn’t it

Yes, yes it does! I don't know where half of it comes form, except - party bags, they're a menace. I reckon they should be banned! Stupid bits of plastic crap designed to make mess!

We do books and sweets as party bags since I stole the idea from another cunning parent!.

Right, I'm back home late tonight.

Tomorrow morning: school run, then I have an appointment that'll keep me out of the house till about 12:30pm.

I don't need to pick the kids up till 6.

I have to work. But I'll have a bit of time. Will have a look at what needs doing most / what I can do in the time available when I get back tonight and make a plan for tomorrow.

Can I ask, how long does it take to get your 4 or 5 yr olds to bed? What's your routine?

DD has always taken forever to get to bed. She's really clingy, always has been. She stil wants me there till she falls asleep. Do your 4 year olds go to sleep on their own?

If I could get her in bed me out the room a bit quicker, that'd help! I'm thinking when she's in her new bed, would be a good time to introduce a new bedtime routine.

My 8 yr old is fine, once he's stopped arguing and is actually in bed. He reads for a while till I tell him lights out.

Recently I've started singing to them both, standing in the hallway between their rooms. This is to get me out of DD's room, and because I know DS likes a song at bedtime but he loses out because it's taken so long to get DD to sleep.

DD doesn't mind if I'm out of her room, as long as she knows I'm there.

I did read on MN a while back about a mum who potters round her DS's room tidying while he goes to sleep as he likes to know sh'es there but can still sleep with her doing useful stuff. I've tried this with DS and it works with him. But with DD it just keeps her awake.

Ive been lurking a while, and all the tips are amazing.

First though, Good news about your dad. That must be such a relief that he is getting better!

Can i make a suggestion about the clothes? Do you have an empty suitcase? Or those vacuum storage sacks?

If so, go through your clothes i drawers/wardrobe using the keep/chuck/charity model of before BUT put all summer stuff (that you keeping) away in the suitcase. Then go through the clean laundry baskets and do same.

Ive reintroduced that this year and its made such a difference to my own wardrobe.

Good luck OP. My own house is a tip but i have an essay to write for uni. So until that is done, the house can wait

On bedtimes, I'm very strict from the point of sleep training them which I did at 18-24 months both times. I think in some ways giving in to the staying with them actually reinforces that there is something to be afraid of etc. and sort of strangely increases their anxiety. I find a strong, confident brisk approach of 'don't be silly you don't need me, it's warm, safe, you've had a drink, loo, the light's on, quiet music on. Disturbing Mummy or Daddy after this unless it's an emergency is naughty and you will get a warning (our punishment system)'. A couple of nights of enforcement and mine go to bed brilliantly.

It's not a particularly fashionable view or method but both of mine are very good at either just falling asleep or quietly looking at books.

If so, go through your clothes i drawers/wardrobe using the keep/chuck/charity model of before BUT put all summer stuff (that you keeping) away in the suitcase. Then go through the clean laundry baskets and do same

We did this a few years back, with my summer dresses and DH's summer shirts he loves - but then couldn't find where we'd put them the following summer. (They were hiding in a silly place in the attic).

But the time we found them, years later, both DP and I had expanded so much we couldn't wear them!

So yes, this is a great idea thanks for reminding me about it, I will do this. But the key it to put it somewhere obvious! My mum used to have a trunk for this in her bedroom. I used to really enjoy the ritual of rediscovering the spring & summer or autumn & winter clothes with my mum, a lovely memory :)

I'll post here where I put them so I have a record this time!

How does your DH cope with the kids when you're not there?

I asked him the other day how he can mange when he's depressed and he says "it's fine, I just do it on autopilot"

DH is good at getting the DC out of the house to do fun stuff. He'll take them to softplay, or to local attractions etc.

But he's also often grumpy and short tempered with them, especially when he's lacking sleep. And he won't engage with me if I try to speak to him about it. He gets frustrated that the kids don't listen to him, but it's obvious to me why they don't. He needs to be firm but not shouty, and to be able to change the subject to find a way out of conflict.

Instead, he's shouty, but isn't firm about things being non negotiable - he'll say "oh I give up!" instead of seeing it through. So they get used to him being cross and don't listen.

He won't take criticism. I've tried so many things to get him to understand about how to talk to the kids in a way that is more likely to get the response he wants, but he just doesn't want to hear it from me. I got him a book on techniques that can work with kids. He read it but decided he didn't like it. (It was a good book!)

DH is much better than me at getting the kids to places (eg school) on time tbf.

I’d sort your room first so you are not stressed by the mess before sleeping.

I'm going to have a go at the clothes this week, and if we manage to get DD's bed up, I'll order us a new bed frame.