How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

The Organised Mum Method lady has a section called clutter buster which you need to do before you can start her little and often way of cleaning. I printed the flow chart out and just kept looking at it. She says don't touch anything without putting it away or getting rid of it. Essentially it is 3 piles "Keep, Chuck/recycle and Charity Shop". That said in your case I would be tempted to just chuck as much as possible to get on top of it. Surely a skip would be less than paying a decluttering lady?

I'd also called a handyman to sort out jobs you can't easily do such as building bed.

Once you get started decluttering becomes quite addictive but it is so hard to start.

Lets be gentle here. Everyone means well but some messages are getting a bit shouty.
OP has so much on her plate already and wants to be at home getting on with it but needs to help DF.. I don't think she's wasting time here that could be used cleaning, she's trying to decide what caused this and how best to deal with it and getting some much needed support which people who are caring for others sometimes don't get.
It sometimes is REALLY REALLY hard to decide what to do with "stuff" after a berevement, or when looking after sick people. Every item, even dealing with the children's things they have grown out of is tied up with decisions and emotions and it can sometimes be very hard to make them, or just seems to lead to another seemingly endless list of jobs which you feel you will never get around to.

OP. Why not get some pop up mesh laundry baskets which can be folded away when not using and use them to sort the clothes that are piling up in your bedroom. Even if all you have time for is a sort, and then have to run, they will be more tidy in the baskets and you can pop the charity basket straight into the car to take with you next time you do a grocery shop. You can pop upstairs and tackle one basket at a time.

You just can't do everything at once and small steps every day will surprise you by how much they add up.
Very Best of luck and remember that you are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances.

I would work on the premise of
What do you use everyday - so for your dds hair. Do you use everything in the drawer. Or do you have a drawer full and only use three things. Everything you haven’t used in 6 months is out.

Same for clothes, though if you haven’t worn it in a year. Unless it’s really special and you really love it and want to keep it.

Another thought. YOu haven't asked about this but if you are spending most of your time not at work with you DF then is there a way to reduce you time spent there? Perhaps you / he could organise carers or cleaners to help him out. You could then go perhaps once a week / fortnight but have more quality time together. This would give you more time to get on top of your home.

I used to be edging towards hoarder and had mountainous piles of stuff in each room, cupboards were full of just ‘stuff’.

Then when people were coming round I’d shove it all into black bags, kitchen cupboards or throw it all in my bedroom and keep the door shut.

For over 2 years now my house is immaculate like 95% of the time and here’s how I did it...

First I followed the Marie Kondo technique (look this book up, there’s great Facebook groups too) to clear the stuff. I spent about a week doing a category a day. First category is clothes and I gathered all the clothes in one place. Use the garden if you don’t have space indoors for the big pile of clothes. Be ruthless! If it doesn’t give you joy throw it! Don’t save things to sell... you won’t end up selling them and they’ll be clutter.

Once the house was de cluttered it’s soooo much easier to clean as there isn’t as much stuff to tidy. For example I only have enough dishes that are essential so washing up is so quick!

I then gave the kids jobs they must do to get their pocket money... keep their room clean and 15 mins a day cleaning the bathroom and 15 mins a day cleaning the front room.

I also do an hour a day of cleaning anything from mopping floors to dusting to clearing out a drawer. I do this hour even when the house looks tidy. That way I never have to do a spring clean or big clean up.

Good luck OP! You can do this

Well done, you are doing a great job at balancing a lot of people's needs. It's very understand that something had to give and the correct decision was your home.
But it's time to sort it out now.

Don't be distracted by finding storage solutions, declutter, then look at it.

I've found it helpful to get all of one thing together and then make decisions.
Eg. For the hallway, gather all of one child's coats
Look at them:
Keep this year's winter coat - hang up
Keep next springs lighter coat or jacket -put in out of season drawer or bag, stored in their room.
Anything else you want to keep, do you have a very strong, very strong reason? - put it in the correct place so you can find it when you need it.
All other costs & jackets place in a plastic bag, put in back of car for tomorrow when you will put it in your local clothes recycling bin (supermarket, tip, etc)
Repeat for all the family then move onto shoes, jumpers, etc. One type of thing at a time.

Is the hallway a good place to tackle early on? You get the benefit everytime you move around your home.....

Hope this helps, be kind to yourself.

We have a sideboard in the living room - that’s it!

Wow, I'm boggled! That's amazing. What do you keep in it?

Where are your books/toys/stationary/craft stuff/games etc?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff thank you for you kind post!

Why not get some pop up mesh laundry baskets which can be folded away when not using and use them to sort the clothes that are piling up in your bedroom

I've got some mesh laundry baskets! I got 4, to use as laundry baskets. And to carry clean stuff back up the stairs again. But they tend to end up full of clean stuff to be put away, that just becomes part of the mess.

I do have them though - and some laundry tubs. I used them on the front room with the decluttering lady. That worked well.

Not what you want to hear, but I'm itching to get home from work and chuck out the crap that's accumulated over the months I've had no spare time. It's cathartic.

I haven't rtft, sorry.

However, you could join us here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/3381702-Getting-rid-of-one-thing-a-day-decluttering-challenge-Part-5

We're a friendly lot.

Personally, I would prioritise getting rid of stuff. It can help to focus on groups of items at a time. Eg. Get all your clothes together and clear through them in one hit. I've found clothes to be an easy win compared to some things so they might be a good place to start.

You could also set a timer and run round the house filling a sack for charity.

I think the key is just to start and keep going.

'Lets be gentle here'

Completely agree duckbilled. These sorts of things are SO hard for the busy. It's taken me 3 years to get sorted overall.

Glad you like my laundry tip @whatamessitallis - if you can start sticking to it, you'll see real progress within a week. Duckbilled's tip about at least tidying the mess is also a good one - this is sort of what I meant about getting sorted in 'layers'. Even if you have a big box where you put clothes which you can't think about right now at least you've got somewhere to put clothes in that category. Start by focussing on a neat and tidy route for laundry of clothes/towels/bedding you ARE USING. Then chip away at the box of doom when you can manage it - I have done this, and I started with about 6 'boxes of doom' full of the 'maybe' clothes/books/tat/rubbish that I couldn't decide in that moment whether to keep or charity shop. Over the past year I have now got it down to 1, and I might well finish it before Christmas! But you know what, having it tidily in boxes was a good start, and having the boxes also gave me somewhere to tidy stuff in that category into - I could then see the progress I made as I whittled them down.

On storage, my advice would be to think about storage nearer the finish line, so you buy storage for what you need and want. We had loads of epiphanies on our journey through, where we suddenly found a drawer which was much emptier once we'd de-cluttered - and then we'd think of something which would be much better placed there, or moved around. An example of this was a shoe rack buried in an understairs cupboard. Once we'd gone through the shoes and sorted them, we realised the rack was actually a perfect size for by our back door and would fit the wellies etc. on. We moved it there, which helped with another messy area (back door), then found that the understairs cupboard had more space for something from somewhere else. etc.etc. - we have cycled through our house about once a year for 3 years, working on the issues and improving year on year. It is only now that we can see a couple of areas which would be improved with different storage, and it is SO exciting planning it. If we'd started with the storage we would have bought the wrong stuff and I think it would have made the decluttering last longer.

Tbh we’ve been thinking of getting rid of the sideboard as we don’t really use it, just ends up getting shit shoved in it
And lots of dvds that we don’t need between Netflix & Amazon Prime

Books - a few special ones in one side of the sideboard, I have a kindle and we use the library
Kids books in a basket in living room with their reading buddies and the rest in bedrooms
Toys - in a kallax in the dining room
Craft stuff and games - in a billy in the dining room
(Kallax and billy along one wall)
Stationary - we have a small desk in a bit of dead space on the middle landing

DonaldDucksTowel - ah, I see! You have an extra room! You have about the same amount of stuff, actually in storage, just more spread out - except the books. (It's the stuff not in storage I need to tackle! And I do also have an extra room - just not usable yet...)

The books are a luxury DH and I want to keep. We like being in a room with books, it makes us feel at home. But they're under control and in a book case, they're not part of the mess generally.

When I get the garden room sorted, most of the toys can go in there, that was the original plan.

Tbh we’ve been thinking of getting rid of the sideboard as we don’t really use it, just ends up getting shit shoved in it

This I can really relate to.

One side of the sideboard, I have no idea what's in it!

And the boxes int he expedit tend to end up full of crap.

Hmmm. do I need places where it's all on show maybe? Or smaller containers? The drawers work relatively well.

SandAndSea thanks :) I've posted on the thread and will join in when back home.

Oh ok if you only have a living room that makes more sense!
Could you make clearing the garden room the first thing then? (What’s in there atm?) then you could put all the kids crap in there, which would clear your living room and probably help you mentally the most
I’d feel so claustrophobic in a room with as much furniture in as you’ve described

I have some good news, DF's health is improving, he's doing really well. He's not generally frail, he just needs help to recover from being unwell.

So hopefully I can step back a bit, soon. DB, DF and I have worked out some friends to pop in on him this week, so I no longer need to do the extra midweek days DB had asked me to do this week.

So I'll be home late tonight, hopefully.

I know where your coming from my mum was in this state before we moved her. She is now happy in a studio flat. With her we told her to pack away the stuff she wants to keep. Everything else we basically got a skip for the stuff we couldn't/ or couldn't be bothered to donate or sell. When we went through the stuff when we found something she might want or need we would only pick out the best one (think things like multiple kettles).

With clothes we made her try everything on. If it had been in a bag (she would buy but never wear) it would be tossed. Anything that didn't fit or was broken as tossed too.

Once you declutter cleaning will become easier as there is less stuff to clean and put away

Smaller containers inside the canvas boxes have helped us, particularly DD with all the tiny toys that girls have (shopkins and the like) but by keeping all the outer boxes the same colour canvas ones it looks much tidier than having lots of smaller boxes visible

OP, one thing I've noticed is that sometimes we can all be a bit too literal and into the detail of these things. When someone suggests you do 20 mins, as an example, I would see that as a starting point. You might do more, you might not, but very often, the key is to start and get the momentum going. Aiming for 20 mins or just one thing/drawer etc is more about getting things moving than being literal.

Another tip: do what works for you. One day, it might be a room. Another day, it might be a tip run.

Just start and keep it moving. Congratulate yourself for your progress. Then do some more.

Do nothing until you have emptied every single bin and taken out the recycling. Then you can start x

Good news about your dad and also that everyone is getting together talking about arrangements and its not all on you.
The "Box of Doom" - love the name!
I like Sand and Sea's point above.
Re sideboard, ours was a big mess until I started putting like with like in smaller containers, start with any old container until you see what you've got and then get some nicer storage.
I've also got one of those baskets with a handle.. and I take it from room to room chucking in things that need to go else where.
Some small things I've done which made a difference.
This sounds daft but I've got a cheap pack of babywipes and if theres a spill or some dust I wipe it there and then rather than see it, stress about it and wonder when I'll have time to mop etc. It really works. I keep one in bedside table to dust the table and metal bed frame. It always dusty!

I've also got a roll of office envelope labels and a sharpie.. and I label all the wires/plugs and containers for stuff like silver cleaner.. as I go along. It was all a jumble sale but now I know we have a container with 5 measuring tapes which I can now throw away 4 of and the rest of the family know where to put screwdrivers and batteries etc.

I have some plain canvas bags (so cheap from Amazon) with their names just written with a sharpie on for socks undies, bike helmet/lights/locks/keys (which drive me mad) they put them away themselves and family odd sock bag to put the strays.

I have to hide presents so I've now go some more solid christmas supermarket bags, one for each and I can wrap presents as I buy them, stick them in the individual bags and its one less thing to do on Christmas Eve and less chance of them "nosing".

So many good tips on here, and it happens to all of us at one time or another, start small as Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wish you the very very best of luck

www.aslobcomesclean.com/ - this lady is really helpful. Realistic and enjoyable to read as well.

Glad you like my laundry tip @whatamessitallis**

I do like it, but I realised I'd forgotten it already.

I need to write this stuff down. OK, so far:

• need to start putting 2 bags of clothes away before putting wash on
• a lovely person has PMed me and offered to keep me company on Skype while I sort the clothes
• looking into skip and hippo bags
• joined decluttering thread

Need to:

• decide where to start! (After clothes)
• work out how much free time I have between now and Christmas to tackle this
• work out what else to add to this list!

Note for the people suggesting routines, they all sound great, but I need a plan for the big blitz, before I can get to a point where they're useful.

Christmas is a useful goal for me. I need goals or I won't do it. I have lots of other pressing things I need to do, besides tidy, and they'll take over if this one doesn't have a deadline.

I think I need to start by building DD's bed. If I can get her bed (and under it, the storage) set up, that will ease one bottle neck. (And make DD happy!)