to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

OMG another thought in my head, we raise kids to trust certain uniforms, who to turn to for help. He arrives in a 'trusted' uniform totally destroying all normal barriers.

If be worried about him installing a device or something on the fence.
Very, very odd

His behaviour is taking a really weird and somewhat sinister sounding turn.

"And if he shows up again, record him on your phone; record yourself saying that you want him to leave." Excellent idea, I've had some trouble with neighbours and was advised to do this and should have thought to suggest it, sorry.

Yes recording HIM is a great idea. Especially as he seems type to try and twist what was said/what happened.

I do not usually comment as others say things better than me, but this thread sent chills down my spine. No police officer should be wearing a gun off duty, and if he was on duty why was he mending a fence. Distance yourself now, record everything, share all these previous details with the NSPCC so that you have a record elsewhere. They can advise you on how to protect yourself and your son.

Crikey op! He sounds like a bit of a nasty piece of work...

Ring Jane up and thank her. He might delete her texts.

I wonder if he's behaved in a similarly inappropriate way towards other people. Could this be the real reason Jane has lost some of her other friends?

I hope you're okay OP. Reading about this disturbing chain of events made me go cold - and I'm not that easily intimidated.

Come to think of it, going cold physically is a classic reaction to being in the presence of a predator.

Have you ever read The Gift of Fear? You'll never question your judgment in certain situations again after reading that.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_Fear

John is clearly controlling and tramples on boundaries so can exert control over people that like to think they are strong. This is a form of gaslighting - I'm just being nice, doing favours and you are strong as opposed to being weak in the face of someone being clearly mean. Ie I couldn't control you even if I wanted to. Some men get a kick from controlling strong women and DC would not do it for them.

Be wary of constructing a straw man of John as paedophilic or having a sexual interest in young boys. He's probably a common or garden misogynist.

I understand he wanted the OP to keep the secret not her DS.

Be wary of constructing a straw man of John as paedophilic or having a sexual interest in young boys. He's probably a common or garden misogynist

Agreed. There's also nothing really to suggest he's fitting a monitoring device in the fence.

I have john pegged as a misogynist too. A woman living her own life? I must exert control over this!

I agree that John is probably a straightforward misogynist. Keep an eye on him, sure, but no need to panic just yet (I hope).

The whole thing is very uncomfortable isn't it? Not enough for accusations of ' foul play' but too much to dismiss as odd.

Actually, a man who turns up at a woman's house and won't leave despite her telling him to go is a reason to be seriously concerned. It's scary behaviour and entirely unacceptable.

Bloody hell I wasn't expecting that...

Agree with pretty much every thing everyone's said.

Very sinister behaviour . You need to cut all ties with them all. Now.

Would you feel comfortable speaking about this opening with some of your mutual friends? The "secret" present is especially worrying. As someone else said, the children presumably already have a present at the party, there was no need for him to bring anything, other than to have an excuse to turn up.

Openly, not opening.

Thank you all. I've double and triple checked my newly fixed fence.. nothing sinister in the vicinity I'm glad to say.

I've been slightly embarrassed about Saturday, not so much for leaving with DS (which I still think was right) but for posting like a drama llama in the middle of it

I'd already called my parents so my next idea was to post on FB, something a friend might see and come over (preferably with husband in tow) but I was still logged onto MN and posted a bit on impulse (and without spell checking!)

Occasionally I see things on here and think "for goodness sake... just call the police / go to ED / leave the apparently menacing 'chicken shop' already!!" and now I've gone and done the same

So, apologies for being a bit of a drama llama but also thank you to the kind posters who responded both at the time and then later on.

Mum had told me to "stop being ridiculous and go make John a cup of tea" so to see my feelings validated in those responses that came through, made me feel I wasn't completely losing it.

That in turn made me feel I was within my rights to leave, which was my first instinct once he refused to leave.

Full disclosure also - I might have inadvertently made it sound more dramatic than it was - police officers here are armed as a rule (I'd rather not get into geography as I'm worried the thread is already too identifying... so if you know or suspect please keep to yourself ) so an armed police officer is a fairly ordinary and commonplace sight.

I might as well have "got in a tizz" (Mum's words) over a builder showing up wearing steel-capped boots (for example).

(As an aside, I was surprised when I went to the U.K. that police in central London were walking around seemingly totally unarmed! I must say it looked friendlier than police here.)

At mum's suggestion the next day I rang my uncle who was in the police, although in a different state. He said John's response about the gun was quite correct A firearm should either be in safe custody or "on the person" of the licensed person; to leave a firearm not properly secured can be a disciplinary offence.

He (my uncle) said he would have responded the same way - politely explained it wasn't possible to leave the gun in the car. So I guess that on that particular point (although not the rest) I might have been a bit OTT.

However - I still absolutely think he should have left when asked, I also don't want him around my son (or me) again. So I'm sticking to this, regardless if it seems irrational to anyone else.

(for various reasons, I'm sure he's not a pedophile - although I can see why some might suspect that based on what I've posted. But there are other reasons for wanting no more contact).

thank you again

Ps oops sorry despite the “war & peace” I didn’t answer anyone’s questions, will try to soon

How did he know your fence needed to be mended?

In my flustered state I didn’t even ask him, but must have been:

• Jane might have mentioned - she noticed at the last play date and (kindly) offered to send John round but I said no thank you. I was trying to disengage a bit (just from him - not her) for a while before the party

And/ or

• Facebook.. my dodgy temporary fix with red duct tape was in some pics

Have gone off FB for the moment but once back on will probably need to de-friend

Hold on! Do not apologise for being a drama llama. You weren't. An overbearing man with no boundaries pushed his way into your property when you didn't want him to, mended your fence when you asked him not to, gave you a secret present for your child. You're not being a drama llama l, you're reacting to a bully. Please don't minimise it. That is how people end up in a big mess. Keep your boundaries high, stand your ground and post on here as much as you like. This is a world of difference away from sitting in a chicken shop.

I don't think you are over reacting or being a drama lhama.

Have you told Jane about the gift?