to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

Stop doubting yourself OP. You know it wasn't an olive branch. He'd have apologised directly if it was and you would have felt it. Plus someone who is offering olive branches doesn't push past you and refuse to listen to you.

You are trying to understand his behaviour through your own normal reasoning. This doesn't apply to him. He's a bully.

Oh my god. I've just read the rest of this. This man is dangerous and very frightening sounding. I think you need some help here.

He pushed you? And he also said that this gift was just from him?

I don’t like this at all. He sounds like he is trying to get you on side.

The “daddies are mean” - not directed at Ben and surrounding circs not clear (had one child already scoffed seven biscuits?).

kids had done baking with Mum and were eating biscuits. Dad told one child they couldn’t have more as they would get fat. child started to cry and got told off. cried even more and got sent to room.

Ben came home quite upset, I know I have to take his account with a grain of salt. But this and other things confirmed my decision not to send him there anymore.

I know you don't want to tell his wife but I would telll as many other people as possible - family, friends (like the one who tipped you off about his snooping on his wife's phone), ask advice and think seriously about putting a complaint in.
At the very least it is bullying and controlling. Makes me shudder to think of it. Please take care.

The gift was a secret just from him? Seriously dodgy. He's grooming you and your ds.

Totally. He is also checking out whether you tell your friend about the gift.

If you sliced John up he would have abusive controlling shit running all the way through him.

Definitely grooming.

Posted to soon....
Like a stick of rock.

Um.
That's not right.
He was effectively trespassing because you told him to leave and he didn't, plus he used force (doesn't really matter how little) to gain access to the rear of your property.
The fact he is a policeman and has a gun is of concern - he's an intimidating present.
The fact that he brought your son a "secret" present just from him is IMMENSELY concerning.

You need to consider an AVO against him (working on the principle you're in Aus, like me - if not, then whatever your country's equivalent of a restraining order is). He can NOT have access to you/your son whenever the fuck he feels like it for ANY reason.

And I agree that he's testing you to see whether you'll tell his wife - so tell her. You might not want her to suffer any more, and who could blame you, but you do 100% need to protect yourself and your son first.

In fact, can you just move? That would be safer.

I would send Jane a messaging saying (knowing he will see it) 'something weird happened this morning - john came round this morning with a present for DS which he said was a secret. I'm not comfortable with secrets like this so just wanted to let you know' That's weird isn't it?'

You have to tell her. It's a test of how compliant you are.

Gift had to be secret as “otherwise Sam and Lucy would be jealous”

To make son feel special and “chosen” I suppose. When Ben and I were in the car I said John was wrong to make it a secret.. I wish I’d said something in front of John

Totally agree with VaselineHero

You HAVE to tell his wife. And I would also seriously consider a restraining order. This is 100% grooming and I can't see this not turning physically nasty.

Yes I wanted to get Ben away so drove to parents and we’re sleeping here tonight

QwertyLou

Don't feel bad about anything in the way you reacted. You were wrong footed, intimidated and scared. And that is exactly what John wanted and intended to happen.
But please do send Jane a text telling her what happened.

Have you told your parents what's been happening? I really would

Why am I not surprised that he's a police officer (not that it's typical of a police officer to be a controlling man, but that it's typical of a controlling man to seek a position of authority over others).

I really don't know what to advise, you would hope that whatever country you are in holds their police force to a higher standard of behaviour but actually I don't know of many countries where they don't close ranks to protect their own so I can see why you wouldn't want to call the police on him.

I really don't know what to advise, but I think CCTV cameras on your property would be a wise start. I think that the best thing to do with him is grey rock, where you avoid and under react to any contact with him. If you see him approaching again then send your DS indoors, you can tell him in advance that it's because John carries a gun and children should never be near guns. Keep a record of all contact with John, especially in reference to times that you put up boundaries and he ignores them. I suspect that he could be very dangerous if you challenge him, not so much in a physical way but he's in a position with is work to cause you serious issues if he chose to. Challenging him would be arguing with him, disagreeing with him, outright saying that you don't need help. Always be late for something and just about to leave/rush off if he approaches you, so never having to turn something down just 'that's thoughtful of you but now is not a good time' and quietly removing yourself. Confide in a few trusted friends so that they can run (polite) interference at social gatherings.

Because I think his next move will be to insinuate that you are flirting or making a play for him.
He wants you and her to have no contact.

Qwerty if you take direct action now and tell Jane, you will be nipping lots more of this shit in the bud. If you don't take direct action it will become harder and harder to as you will start to feel like its 'your fault' as you didn't speak up earlier, so somehow deserve it.

This is how abusers work. They play on that bit of self doubt knowing you will twist yourself into knots over it. This is already happening. Take a direct action and it will seem terrifying for maybe 24 hours while you wait for a fall out (that won't happen) and then you'll be glad you did it. Like with the football.

@MrsTommyBanks Agreed. When this blows up, he is going to claim you were trying it on. These people always do that.

He thinks you are vulnerable, so it's time to tell his wife, so she can cut his balls off.