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Original poster

to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

895 replies

QwertyLou · 23/11/2018 03:08

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

OP posts:
VaselineHero · 01/12/2018 12:40

The best outcome is you tell Jane (which he will read) and then he says you're some crazy bitch and he was just trying to be nice or you were coming on to him blah blah and then he'll fuck off.

BestZebbie · 01/12/2018 12:41

I don't even understand her gender stereotyping - name six famous painters that you might see in an art gallery and they will probably all be men!

katmarie · 01/12/2018 12:45

Think about this, he has driven you and your son out of your home, your place of safety. I would be calling the police. If nothing else you can tell them you asked him not to come in and he trespassed anyway. That you don't feel safe to go home while he is there, and that they need to come get rid of him and tell him not to come back. Him being police might work in your favour here, the last thing they need is someone taking to social media saying they failed to deal with one of their own.

Original poster
QwertyLou · 01/12/2018 12:47

Contessa I almost wish it was a gender stereotyped gift to confirm my thoughts of him!

But was to my surprise a very thoughtful, lovely art-related gift. So it seemed like an olive branch for the football fiasco. But now we have the fence drama.

OP posts:
Bunnymumma · 01/12/2018 12:47

Chances are, people he works with will have identified some of these controlling elements and won't be shocked. Don't worry that the police will just close ranks, as things like this are taken extremely seriously now.

This thread can even be used in support of your complaint!

DistanceCall · 01/12/2018 12:48

There's something seriously wrong with this man. The secret present. His forcing his way past you and repairing your fence without your asking him to.

Saviour complex. To be honest, I would withdraw from this friendship immediately. I know you care about your friend and her children, but your child, and your own safety, come first.

zzzzz · 01/12/2018 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Momo18 · 01/12/2018 12:51

She is a massive cheeky F**r! Tell her it's your son's party and he wants painting, that her son is welcome to have football at his own party. Never known boys not to enjoy painting, what on earth is she on about!

ContessaHallelujahSparklehorse · 01/12/2018 12:58

Definitely go with zzzzz's type of message to Jane - appreciate the gift, but pick up on the less acceptable bits (i.e. all of it). In retrospect, it was a deliberately well-chosen one so you'd seem totally unreasonable for making any bones about it....

Original poster
QwertyLou · 01/12/2018 13:01

#notasecret
I think it was Sam and Lucy who were not to be told, I assume Jane knows and possibly even chose it (?).

to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!
OP posts:
zzzzz · 01/12/2018 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunnymumma · 01/12/2018 13:06

Yes but how are Sam and Lucy not to be told???? Weirdos. Send the text, takethe flack and ignore the horrid man.

This!

Original poster
QwertyLou · 01/12/2018 13:12

But yes maybe Jane was implied too... I’m going to text her anyway and thank her for the lovely gift which John delivered.

It did cross my mind to thank John profusely but explain that i’ve already bought the same for Christmas (I haven’t but I can) so he can keep for his kids who would love it.

But on balance I think accepting it gracefully is the better response?

OP posts:
Original poster
QwertyLou · 01/12/2018 13:14

@LauraMipsum Grin

OP posts:
adjsavedmylife · 01/12/2018 13:35

Just don’t forget he’ll likely see whatever you send...

buckeejit · 01/12/2018 13:36

Oh OP, just read this thread & v worried. He'll read her texts. Can you get him over to fix something big & go & talk to friend while he's at your house? You need to say to her that you're concerned about his behaviour & motivations & are there for her if she wants to talk.

The gun thing is so so off.

beachcomber243 · 01/12/2018 13:40

It comes over that you're quite scared of this man. Why bother to even keep your friendship with Jane and this oddball going? In every way this is all disturbing, could be dangerous and you and your son should not be involved in this weird dynamic.

Be careful. Why did John have a gun on him if he is mending your fence? Was he on duty...if so why do work for you in police time? If not on duty, why carry a gun?

My guess is the next stage of this involvement in your life with your son is he will make a move on you...kept from his wife of course, and he will do it in a way that you will doubt whether Jane will believe you if you tell her.

aidelmaidel · 01/12/2018 13:48

What a horrible situation qwerty. He sounds like a controlling piece of shite and if he's in the US police force there's bugger all you can do, is there, because they protect their own. I'm sorry.

eggncress · 01/12/2018 14:09

Did you see what he got up to round the back while “fixing the fence” ?

Thinking bugging devices / cameras
Did he put anything else there? eg drugs ?

He sounds dangerous, more so for being a police officer in the US. You never know if his mates will back him up.. depends how corrupt they are.

You need to get him out of your life. Perhaps Jane too. You have to think of you and your son now as priority. Tell your parents about him.

Be aware he is doing all this on purpose. It’s a power and control thing.

Perren · 01/12/2018 14:16

The whole thing is Shock I want you to move far far away. I feel this is spiralling

tablelegs · 01/12/2018 14:20

This is such an odd situation op. Scarily so.

I would text or email Jane to say thank you for the gift. You will know by her reaction if she knew about it or not.

If he appears again "now is not a good time" "no"

I wouldn't want this man anywhere near me.

zzzzz · 01/12/2018 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/12/2018 14:32

Oh eek - the thought that he might have done more than just "mend" the fence is a bit of a worry - I mean, he might have just mended it, but tomorrow you should check to make sure that's all he did!

God, I don't want to make you paranoid but I do think this is weirder than weird.

ColdAndSad · 01/12/2018 14:36

But was to my surprise a very thoughtful, lovely art-related gift. So it seemed like an olive branch for the football fiasco. But now we have the fence drama.

It wasn't an olive branch.

He gave your child the present and said he'd have to keep it secret so that his own children wouldn't get jealous. Keeping secrets is the start of grooming. It could be grooming for sexual abuse, or emotional abuse, but either way, it's grooming.

He wouldn't accept your refusal about the fence. He even pushed past you to get to it.

He wore the gun despite knowing your feelings about it.

He is setting you up. If you complain about the gift he can apologise and say he thought he was doing a nice thing; if you accept it you're obligated to him. He feels he's winning control of you, and of your son.

Be very careful around him. He is not a good man.

DotForShort · 01/12/2018 14:38

I don’t know where the OP lives, but it’s unlikely to be the US, given the times she has mentioned.