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Original poster

Can anyone help me understand why people pretend things are better than they really are?

156 replies

CheshireSplat · 20/11/2018 07:13

I'm feeling a little upset with my SIL and it's made me think more generally about people's motivations.

She and I have always seemed to get on very well. We aren't close friends but good SILs.

My BIL (her DH) has recently opened up to the family that she's really struggling. She's always put a great deal of pressure on herself, worked very hard in her career, takes up sports from 0-60 and becomes very good at them. She has 2 youngish DCs. She's now having some type of breakdown, anxiety stopping her leaving the house, BIL having to take time off work. I feel really sorry for her. I honestly do. But there's a tiny bit of me that's cross. We've had a number of discussions over the years about my guilt at not having a better relationship with my DM. It's quite hard work, fractured, snappy and I feel awful but haven't been able to fix it. When we've spoken she speaks of her relationship with her DM in glowing terms, how they're best friends, how she wishes she would see her more, that have made me feel worse. But it turns out now that that's all untrue. Her DM phoned BIL's DM to discuss her worries about her daughter. And it turns out that she's been worried for years, she knows her DH has been hiding things from her for years, that their relationship isn't that good or close. Why, would SIL have led me to believe that things were so rosey with her when I've poured my heart out over the years. I know her current problems are serious and it's certainly not all about me, but I'm feeling quite cross about this past behaviour. On the other hand these latest revelations have made me think my relationship with my DM isn't so unusual!!

Another example. People always say not to trust people who say their babies sleep through. Why would you lie about this? Fortunately for me my NCT group had 5; terrible sleepers so we spent our time complaining how hard our lives were!

So just 2 examples. Why do people pretend things are better than they are? I'm fortunate in that I've got pretty healthy self esteem so am happy to show my life isn't perfect. Why is it so important to some people to pretend things are better than they are. They're missing out on potential support networks by doing that.

OP posts:
LetsPretendToBeWoke · 20/11/2018 07:15

You may not want to, but you are making this all about you.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 20/11/2018 07:19

I'm fortunate in that I've got pretty healthy self esteem so am happy to show my life isn't perfect.

You've answered your own question here, haven't you? People do it because they feel ashamed and embarrassed, because they feel (usually due to low self esteem) that the problem must be their own fault and so that people will judge them for it.

Sirzy · 20/11/2018 07:19

Because if someone is talking about having a rough time and then someone says “well my mum is awful...” they will be accused of making it all about themselves

Some people are more cautious of who they trust to open up to which isn’t necessarily a bad thing

mostdays · 20/11/2018 07:20

There could be any number of reasons. It may be that she's been deceiving herself for years about the quality of her relationship with her DM. But to be honest I agree with the pp- without wanting to, you're making this about yourself. And it really isn't.

Caprisunorange · 20/11/2018 07:21

Do you really not understand why people would do this? It’s perfectly normal behaviour. I agree it seems like you’re making this all about you

WorldParty · 20/11/2018 07:23

I agree, you are making this about you
And the pressure she put on herself was about her and not to make you look/feel bad

Annandale · 20/11/2018 07:23

Because when they talk about their lives as good they can for a brief period live that good life.

Because they have always been punished for 'moaning' and 'wallowing' and rewarded for being 'stoic' or 'positive'.

Because if your self esteem is low you might assume that you can't tell the truth or people will not want to be with you.

Because she wanted you to like her and assumed this was the way.

Because the truth is complicated? Everyone has good days and bad days.

Because she didn't think you'd listen? Maybe listen now.

Hideandgo · 20/11/2018 07:23

Do you really not have the ability to put yourself in other peoples shoes? Can you not understand the complexity of people’s lives and psychological make up?

And yes, some babies DO sleep throughHmm Not sure what you’re saying here....that it’s all a lie?

Mochh · 20/11/2018 07:24

They might not realise how bad things are until it all falls apart (like the warm frog analogy)

Lying to yourself is pretty easy and they might not know they're doing it.

Putting on a front to other people let's you pretend that your life isn't falling apart, and that's quite a nice escape.

They don't want other people shoe-horning themselves into their business.

BiscuitDrama · 20/11/2018 07:26

I think often people don’t say because it’s boring and whiny?
Lying apart, I mean.

SaltyMyDear · 20/11/2018 07:27

OP people are being very hard on you. I think it’s an interesting question.

I don’t understand why people won’t accept their child has problems. Pretend everything’s fine instead of trying to help them.

MeetMeInMontauk · 20/11/2018 07:28

People make these claims for the same reasons that they believe in religion, or UFOs, or life after death; admitting to themselves the mundanity of existence opens them up uncomfortably to the realisation that life is dictated by random chance, that karma in fact doesn't exist, that maybe you can't guarantee an honest day's pay for an honest day's work and that, yes, this really is all that there is. Owning that observation rather than running from it would ironically make their lives easier, but many cannot digest the implications.

BirdieInTheHand · 20/11/2018 07:28

OP are you really looking for posters to tell you that you're obviously as much better, more emotionaly roubded person than your sil? Because that's very much how your OP reads.

Your sil is having a shit time. This neither makes you a better person for your historical honesty or her a bad person for her previous privacy

coolcrispwinter · 20/11/2018 07:30

Also to keep talking about the negative aspects of life is like reliving it every time. It could get to be every conversation you have. By being positive people can often move on from the stuff that is going wrong. Sometimes other people cannot help as such and there is nothing to be gained by rehashing stuff over and over. Some stuff we just have to battle through and move on.

SuchAToDo · 20/11/2018 07:31

People do it because they see it (whatever it is) as their own private business and nobody elses, and what happens when you share info with even the most well meaning friend or relative is they say they won't tell a soul, but they tell their spouse or parent (because that doesn't count right?)...and then the spouse or parent tells someone, and so forth and suddenly everyone knows their business...

Ask yourself why you feel you have a right to know

DeadCertain · 20/11/2018 07:32

Because you don't want people to realise that you are struggling and pry - either because you are just a very private person, not at all comfortable discussing feelings face to face with anyone, ashamed that you aren't doing as well as you "should" be and / or because your self esteem is a little battered.

I sound a little like your SIL - I'd rather present a face to the world of all being well, it's how I was brought up as much as anything.

As you said in your OP, you're not close friends so I am guessing she felt more comfortable showing you her "game face".

Luxembourgmama · 20/11/2018 07:33

I've always wondered the same thing. I don't see the point of lying you're just lying to yourself but it's v common

HarrySnotter · 20/11/2018 07:35

You're cross with her? Good grief.

She clearly has felt she needed to make things sound better than they were, perhaps as a way to combat her anxiety?

This isn't about you. It's about your SIL who is clearly struggling with her mental health and could do with support. I hope she gets it from the people who really do care about her.

Sirzy · 20/11/2018 07:36

I don’t understand why people won’t accept their child has problems. Pretend everything’s fine instead of trying to help them.

I fully understand that. It’s very hard to realise that your child has problems which mean they will struggle for their whole life, that everything will be a battle for years to come.

I fully get having a period of burying your head in the sand pretending all is normal before being ready to say “yup I think I can cope with this”

Carpetglasssofa · 20/11/2018 07:40

Maybe your sil has been desperate to confide but hasn't been able to get a word in edgeways.

Your OP reads to me like you feel a bit ripped off, almost. Like because you confided in her, she was obliged to confide in you. But it doesn't work like that.

Maybe the truth was just too painful for her to talk about. Maybe she thinks you can't keep a secret (sounds like a seriously gossipy family) . Maybe she thinks you would judge her. I'm not psychic, so can't tell you.

BTW, if you were her friend, you'd be contacting her, inviting her to come round and share a bottle of wine, and making space in the conversation for her to talk, if she wants to. Not posting angrily about the poor woman on the Internet.

DeadCertain · 20/11/2018 07:40

I don’t understand why people won’t accept their child has problems. Pretend everything’s fine instead of trying to help them.

Because you then have to think about your own role in perhaps creating some of those problems and also have the "shame" of being the mother of someone with problems (my DM's reasons anyway I am sure). My own DM when I first managed to tell her mine (a big deal for me, I had only ever felt able to communicate via letter, even from being a small child) made sure to firstly forbid me from telling any family or family friends and secondly to let me know that nothing was her fault; I had always been "different". I very much wish that I hadn't told her.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 20/11/2018 07:41

I wouldn’t confide in a sister in law as horrible as you either.

In fact I don’t confide in my sister in law because she’s a little gossip who tells my mother in law everything.

VeryFoolishFay · 20/11/2018 07:43

Sometimes it's more about reframing the situation for yourself. I find it difficult to take positive action if I get mired in how difficult life can be on occasions. I feel I could go under if I dwelt on it all the time.

Hisaishi · 20/11/2018 07:45

Pride/ego I guess. People don't want to admit they have weaknesses, and some people just straight out lie to themselves about everything.

I know I can be the same about certain things, and it's usually the things that are going really badly in my life eg when I was in an abusive relationship. I couldn't admit it to myself or to anyone else.

Some stuff I really don't get why you'd lie about it though, but I think a lot of people just really can't stand having any weak point at all.

Hisaishi · 20/11/2018 07:46

georgie wtf. What is horrible about the OP?????

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