Can anyone help me understand why people pretend things are better than they really are?

[CheshireSplat]

I'm feeling a little upset with my SIL and it's made me think more generally about people's motivations.

She and I have always seemed to get on very well. We aren't close friends but good SILs.

My BIL (her DH) has recently opened up to the family that she's really struggling. She's always put a great deal of pressure on herself, worked very hard in her career, takes up sports from 0-60 and becomes very good at them. She has 2 youngish DCs. She's now having some type of breakdown, anxiety stopping her leaving the house, BIL having to take time off work. I feel really sorry for her. I honestly do. But there's a tiny bit of me that's cross. We've had a number of discussions over the years about my guilt at not having a better relationship with my DM. It's quite hard work, fractured, snappy and I feel awful but haven't been able to fix it. When we've spoken she speaks of her relationship with her DM in glowing terms, how they're best friends, how she wishes she would see her more, that have made me feel worse. But it turns out now that that's all untrue. Her DM phoned BIL's DM to discuss her worries about her daughter. And it turns out that she's been worried for years, she knows her DH has been hiding things from her for years, that their relationship isn't that good or close. Why, would SIL have led me to believe that things were so rosey with her when I've poured my heart out over the years. I know her current problems are serious and it's certainly not all about me, but I'm feeling quite cross about this past behaviour. On the other hand these latest revelations have made me think my relationship with my DM isn't so unusual!!

Another example. People always say not to trust people who say their babies sleep through. Why would you lie about this? Fortunately for me my NCT group had 5; terrible sleepers so we spent our time complaining how hard our lives were!

So just 2 examples. Why do people pretend things are better than they are? I'm fortunate in that I've got pretty healthy self esteem so am happy to show my life isn't perfect. Why is it so important to some people to pretend things are better than they are. They're missing out on potential support networks by doing that.

cool I can't imagine that most people are able to dismiss their emotions in that way.

Most therapists advise 'sitting with' emotions rather than just finding some practical way to deal with them.

For me, admitting I have emotions and allowing myself to feel them, rather than trying to find solutions all the time, seems way healthier than always trying to be chirpy and upbeat and trying to rationalise away my feelings.

For some people, sitting with emotions might be a way forward. It's not a universal truth though. I imagine most therapists don't make too much money out of people who field their emotions quickly.

I don't go on about how awesome my life is but I don't tell people my problems. I realised along time ago no one cares anyway and you know that's ok

I know what you mean Georgie, to admit things makes them real.

I think the issue is putting on the front of the perfect life not not admitting the shit stuff.

Its saying oh my partner is wonderful i couldnt ask for a better partner and father to my child.

Honest statement: i never see him the minute he gets in from work he goes out and does his hobby. Comes in gets pissed and falls asleep on the sofa. I darent leave child with him cos i dont think he could manage.

Its a huge contrast and for people who admit to their ups and downs the first statement is a lot to live up to.

Part of my feelings are that I’m failing. Failing as a mother, as a wife, at work, with my weight, my house, my health.

Failure? What are the success criteria? Health? I've had cancer. Not many health professionals would give me a clean bill of health guarantee with that history. Mother? Well my D.C. is wonderful but when small had some SENs so that was continually up for scrutiny. Wife? Well I'm sure my DH would love someone who could just do more stuff so he could do less. Weight? I'm still a bit too fat even though I'm working on it. House? Repairs need doing bits need tidying and cleaning.

What do I do? I say I am not dead yet. Doing something is better than nothing. I then go about doing good. Even if that is just saying something nice.

But it may well be that the sil was was clear about the honest situation on her mind but put on the 'perfect' front because she didn't want to engage with that emotional labour with that particular person.

I have deep friendships, but I’m not looking to have that sort of bonding experience with every person in my life who chooses to over share.

I lie when I have no interest in having that kind of friendship with someone but don’t want to upset them. When someone has ‘poured their heart out’ like OP, it’s not actually easy to disclose a similar experience but refuse to talk about it, not if you’re trying to avoid the words ‘none of your business’ or ‘we’re not that type of friends’. As others have pointed out, many people really want to connect like that, and if they think they’ve found someone to do that with they’re bloody hard to shake off without being rude. It’s a lot easier to lie than to be badgered to open up.

Of course often it’s better to just make it clear you don’t want that type of friendship with someone...but it’s not very easy when that person is your SIL.

oak but that's not the issue in the OP. Basically what rarfy said.

I know women who are all over fb with 'my gorgeous husband' this and 'my wonderful partner' that, but in private, it's very different.

I don't really get what people are getting out of that, it seems a really weird way to live.

Georgie - you being honest and open about how you feel makes you sound far, far more relatable and human to me than someone whose house was always tidy and always said everything was fine and great. I constantly feel like I’m failing in life and career and I’ll tell anyone who listens, I physically and mentally can’t pretend otherwise. And do you know what? Literally every single person I’ve opened up to says “oh my god me too!” Nobody has a perfect life and I find those who give out that impression come across very robotic and stepford wife-ish to me. Who gives a shit if the house is a mess? It wouldn’t even occur to me to tidy up especially for visitors. Like me, like my messy house

CheshireSplat for what it's worth I don't think you deserve a flaming at all. Unless you've had to live two versions of the same life it's incredibly difficult to physically/emotionally empathise with someone who does.

I have two versions of me. There's the version that's drowning under all the stress of work/money/family and can't catch their breath. Then there's the version that delivers excellence in her job, volunteers at her children's clubs, is always on top of school events etc and is relied on by her peers to make sure everyone knows what's happening...the facade is multi faceted and currently works.

I can't crack, I can't show or admit that I'm not coping because the whole lot will collapse in on me so those walls are there for my protection.

It sounds like your SIL is doing the same...but her walls cracked and now she's struggling. Ask BIL what the best support you could offer is, and don't be surprised if he asks you to essentially pretend around her that nothing has changed and she's just taking some time out.

Lastly well done for risking a flaming and coming on here. You asked a genuine question and have since promised to read through and consider the views/experiences shared with you.

Most therapists advise 'sitting with' emotions rather than just finding some practical way to deal with them.

I bet they do! It's how they make their living!

All my ins turn to ons, why would it do that?

cool well, they wouldn't make much of a living if it never helped anyone, would they?

cool what do you want me to say to that? That your life is worse than mine? I’ve nothing to worry about? I should snap out of it?

I honestly don't think I'd last a session with a therapist.

George, no I don't think my life is worse than your's. Just that it is possible to enjoy yourself when circumstances are less than perfect. There always will be less than perfect circumstances. Just concentrate on appreciating the good things. Focus is an amazing thing, it means our perception can experience what we are focussed on more acutely and what we are not focussed on less.

I have several issues my friends know nothing about because when we meet up, they generally dominate things and to be fair some of them have bigger problems than me. I end up listening. Then when I get asked a half hearted "how are you?" I just say fine.

There is no one size fits all solution.

Some people are going to feel too exposed if they share. But what the outlet for them should be I don't know because I'm not like that.

cool well, they wouldn't make much of a living if it never helped anyone, would they?

Or much of a living if they cured people too quickly, either.

well, they wouldn't make much of a living if it never helped anyone, would they?

I'm not cynical enough to think that they would stretch out the process to mine a patient for an unholy amount of their disposable income, I don't think. But I do think it's very condusive to running a business.

cool If 'just think positively' worked, we'd all be fine.

People are more complex than that.

Of course, and I’m really trying. My logical brain knows that, it knows my children aren’t likely to get abducted when they go to the shop or that they won’t choke on their lunch at school. Anxiety isn’t logical unfortunately.

cool well, what do you suggest they do instead?

Your technique of THINK POSITIVELY!!!!!!! EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE!!!!!!!

Cos I guess that would spin out the sessions for a hell of a lot longer since it is utter, unworkable tripe.

For some people, thinking positively and not ruminating over the negatives, does work.