Can anyone help me understand why people pretend things are better than they really are?

[CheshireSplat]

I'm feeling a little upset with my SIL and it's made me think more generally about people's motivations.

She and I have always seemed to get on very well. We aren't close friends but good SILs.

My BIL (her DH) has recently opened up to the family that she's really struggling. She's always put a great deal of pressure on herself, worked very hard in her career, takes up sports from 0-60 and becomes very good at them. She has 2 youngish DCs. She's now having some type of breakdown, anxiety stopping her leaving the house, BIL having to take time off work. I feel really sorry for her. I honestly do. But there's a tiny bit of me that's cross. We've had a number of discussions over the years about my guilt at not having a better relationship with my DM. It's quite hard work, fractured, snappy and I feel awful but haven't been able to fix it. When we've spoken she speaks of her relationship with her DM in glowing terms, how they're best friends, how she wishes she would see her more, that have made me feel worse. But it turns out now that that's all untrue. Her DM phoned BIL's DM to discuss her worries about her daughter. And it turns out that she's been worried for years, she knows her DH has been hiding things from her for years, that their relationship isn't that good or close. Why, would SIL have led me to believe that things were so rosey with her when I've poured my heart out over the years. I know her current problems are serious and it's certainly not all about me, but I'm feeling quite cross about this past behaviour. On the other hand these latest revelations have made me think my relationship with my DM isn't so unusual!!

Another example. People always say not to trust people who say their babies sleep through. Why would you lie about this? Fortunately for me my NCT group had 5; terrible sleepers so we spent our time complaining how hard our lives were!

So just 2 examples. Why do people pretend things are better than they are? I'm fortunate in that I've got pretty healthy self esteem so am happy to show my life isn't perfect. Why is it so important to some people to pretend things are better than they are. They're missing out on potential support networks by doing that.

And I imagine that had affected the extent to which I do and don't confide in other people. There are several big complications in my life at the moment, and I'm very stressed and rather unhappy, but I haven't told my best friend, because I just don't want to. I know what's wrong, most of it is out of my control, and talking about it won't change anything.

My DM is very kind, generous and loving but she also has no concept of how much I have to struggle badly after my head injury and post concussion syndrome, and then living with a chronic and incurable irreversible drug induced involuntary movement disorder. She just thinks I can get up, brush myself off and carry on - ‘just get a job and get on with life’ is the general conversation I have had with her recently. In my mind I was screaming ‘but you don’t bloody get it - you just have no idea and don’t understand at all!’

In reality, I just muttered a bit and felt shit after I put the phone down. I’m not bothering to moan to her about my feelings any more as she doesn’t have the empathy to get why I can’t deal with it emotionally, why I am so ashamed and embarrassed by my condition. I have given up trying to get her to relate, therefore I don’t even bother trying. I love my DM very much, but feel heartbroken that she has made me feel like I can’t cope as well as I should be, despite trying my best over the past few years. So yes, I get why people pretend things are better than they actually are.

Really really interesting, thanks everyone. Lots for me to understand. This is why I asked the question, I'm hoping to be a better person. I am very open so it's good for me to understand why others aren't.

Struggling they have just about, thanks! It's probably my age.

This wasn't supposed to be about my SIL, it was a terrible example. But a poster much earlier today asked if there was some competition we've never admitted to. That's hit a nerve actually. I didn't think there was - she's beautiful, and slim, so I feel like I'm not competition. But even thinking like that is competitive I suppose. Even though I've made myself the loser. And just to reassure people, I don't bombard her with complaints. When we see each other it's for weekends or weeks at a time and the conversation flows to many places.

I have learned from today that I shouldn't rely on others to help my own thoughts. Doing that is the opposite of self-esteem! Maybe I should see a counsellor...

You could try writing a journal. Cheaper too!

Maybe she just doesn’t trust you. I have a ‘friend’ who constantly talks about herself & her issues. Tbh, it doesn’t leave much time for me to talk about myself. On the rare occasion she might ask about my life I usually just say everything’s ok. I just can’t be bothered to get into it all. Truthfully I don’t really trust her but usually I’m so bored listening to her problems I wouldn’t put anyone through listening to mine !! I Try to limit my time around her now.

OP, don't make her issues your issues. You didn't do the wrong thing in confiding in her. Just learn your lesson, no one's life is always perfect. If they make out it is, then they are hiding something. If they are hiding something, don't choose them to confide in. Friendships need to be a two say street, confiding in each other in tough time, leaning on each other, supporting each other.

I had some friends who always wanted to be the one supporting, but never asked for support, would never let anyone know their problems but always asked about everyone else's problems. Too one sided for me I'm afraid. If they don't feel able to make themselves vulnerable to me, then I won't make myself vulnerable to them.