Can anyone help me understand why people pretend things are better than they really are?

[CheshireSplat]

I'm feeling a little upset with my SIL and it's made me think more generally about people's motivations.

She and I have always seemed to get on very well. We aren't close friends but good SILs.

My BIL (her DH) has recently opened up to the family that she's really struggling. She's always put a great deal of pressure on herself, worked very hard in her career, takes up sports from 0-60 and becomes very good at them. She has 2 youngish DCs. She's now having some type of breakdown, anxiety stopping her leaving the house, BIL having to take time off work. I feel really sorry for her. I honestly do. But there's a tiny bit of me that's cross. We've had a number of discussions over the years about my guilt at not having a better relationship with my DM. It's quite hard work, fractured, snappy and I feel awful but haven't been able to fix it. When we've spoken she speaks of her relationship with her DM in glowing terms, how they're best friends, how she wishes she would see her more, that have made me feel worse. But it turns out now that that's all untrue. Her DM phoned BIL's DM to discuss her worries about her daughter. And it turns out that she's been worried for years, she knows her DH has been hiding things from her for years, that their relationship isn't that good or close. Why, would SIL have led me to believe that things were so rosey with her when I've poured my heart out over the years. I know her current problems are serious and it's certainly not all about me, but I'm feeling quite cross about this past behaviour. On the other hand these latest revelations have made me think my relationship with my DM isn't so unusual!!

Another example. People always say not to trust people who say their babies sleep through. Why would you lie about this? Fortunately for me my NCT group had 5; terrible sleepers so we spent our time complaining how hard our lives were!

So just 2 examples. Why do people pretend things are better than they are? I'm fortunate in that I've got pretty healthy self esteem so am happy to show my life isn't perfect. Why is it so important to some people to pretend things are better than they are. They're missing out on potential support networks by doing that.

Done people are just more private and don’t want to or aren’t able to share their struggles.

Not everyone has to be an open book.

I too think OP is getting a hard time/ has raised some valid questions.

But the truth is some people like to carry on with maintaining the 'image' that all is well.

Most people don't actually open up that much.

I'm the opposite and open up too much. There are always reasons for that too.

So she carried on the presence of her dd relationship being fab. Whilst you sobbed about your difficult relationship with your mum.

Well yes, actually most of us would be hurt. She's been disingenuous. She's not the close sil you thought. Oh well. You live and learn.

I think you are being quite naive to say people are missing out on a lot of support networks, for many people there are no support networks.

Many people prefer to be stoical and manage their own difficulties, there is nothing wrong with that, or they may have tried to reach out to people in the past and got and got nowhere so prefer to keep their problems to themselves.

I agree and I think you're getting a hard time. There's a difference between keeping something private and outright lying. Your sister in law could have not mentioned her relationship with her mum but instead chose to make up a fake story about how wonderful it was! Surely there's no need for that! Just don't say anything or, if someone asks specifically how things are with your mother, just say 'ok thanks' or something vague!

Could it not be about perspective though. Maybe she has lower expectations about what a mother daughter relationship is and because they get on she thinks that’s amazing? Or the babies sleeping through thing could be perspective too. Some people think that their baby going to sleep from 12am till 5am has slept through (and I think that’s the technical definition too) but if someone puts their baby down at 10 and they wake at 3 then theirs isn’t sleeping thru and they’re automatically more tired as they are in the way of thinking that their baby doesn’t sleep through? Hope that makes sense

Why, would SIL have led me to believe that things were so rosey with her when I've poured my heart out over the years.

Because different people deal with their problems in different ways. It seems that your SIL is a person who maybe tries to deal with hers by keeping very busy, throwing herself into activities etc. That's probably been her coping mechanism, not a deliberate attempt to look perfect or deliberately not share stuff with you.

Being annoyed with her would be a bit like being annoyed if you find out someone who always seemed really cheerful and outgoing actually had depression. (I've just found this out about someone I know, and I feel especially sad for her because all that time she came across as so happy and confident that nobody realised.)

She sounds like my sister. I'm waiting for the breakdown. I have many friends who work in mental heath and they get clients like that who have worked 24/7 until around 40 and then they crash and burn.
It's usually a way to deal with feelings of inadequacy - if they pretend everything is okay then they won't have everyone coming at them with their good intentions chipping away at their perfectly laid barrier.

As for mothers like that...my mother bragged about how quiet a baby I was and how I slept through. The fact is babies cry when they need something. They stop trying when it doesn't work (I'm not saying EVERY baby). That's what happened with me - I was neglected a lot.

You have a healthy self esteem? Excellent, use it. Help SIL but check via her hubby. I hope she feels better soon and finds a better way to live life. Perhaps you two could become genuinely close. This is exactly why we should all be honest.

Another way of looking at it is that perhaps your SIL doesn’t feel as close to you as you are to her. I can think of at least two people in my life who I am fond of, enjoy their company etc. They love pouring their heart out to me but they are not necessarily the same people I would confide in if I had a problem, I have recently had some quite in depth conversations with someone who was really more of an acquaintance than a close friend but it has been useful to have a fresh perspective on a subject without all the ‘baggage’ of her knowing every detail of my life.

If you paint a rosy picture people are less likely to think there is anything the matter in your life and it's a lot easier to wade through the treacle without feeling like people are watching from the sidelines. I've had a very crappy past and I wouldn't say I make out things are great but I conveniently avoid ever answering questions along those personal lines. If someone asked me directly how I got on with my DM I'd potentially say 'fine' but the truth is I think she likes my siblings more and it doesn't feel like a great relationship, I wish it did, but there you go. I tend to blend in with everyone else as best I can and deal with things myself or with a very select couple of people only.

Social media is partly to blame I think

Maybe because pouring your heart out doesn't change a thing and is very draining?

Any chance you've started this?
Maybe you've made her feel inferior.

I think there's a class aspect to this. I've met a lot of upper middle class people who do this and I did find it strange at first. I think a lot of Mumsnetters are probably like this in 'real life' and only open up online.

I don't really think it's because they're in denial. They probably know what they're not happy about, but want to present a perfect image to the world.

"Done people are just more private and don’t want to or aren’t able to share their struggles."

That's fine, if you're colleagues, but not really if you're friends.

"Maybe because pouring your heart out doesn't change a thing"

It can help a lot.

We have an epidemic of perfectionism and it erodes people’s confidence and their relationships - they never dare to expose things not being ok because they will seem to have failed.

Although, also, ime my family are not terribly interested in talking about serious or troubling things, and only briefly in good news - so more time is spent on time filling small talk. That might just be my family though!

Think you e touched a nerve here op.
In your sil s case, her perfectionism that drives her to be good at everything wont let her admit any faults, even to herself.
As a psychologist I have to confront people with their glaringly obvious truths a lot, and they crumple as if they’ve e been punched.
The energy and dedication which people put into holding up a facade ( to themselves) means they miss out on connection and intimacy, so it’s a spiral of feeling alone and unworthy. Which some people can hold together for decades, & others like your sil develop symptoms and have to change their unconscious life strategy.

A pp got it when she posted about how for the few moments that one are paints this rosy picture of one’s life there is immense relief, as they get to be that perfect person . But as you have experienced, and as I said earlier it ruins connection between people( ironically where potential support would be) because you are just showing a cardboard cutout of yourself, and there’s not a lot there for people to connect to.

Hope your sil is getting professional support, she has a good chance of doing well if she does.

Why, would SIL have led me to believe that things were so rosey with her when I've poured my heart out over the years. I know her current problems are serious and it's certainly not all about me, but I'm feeling quite cross about this past behaviour.

Umm with that attitude I doubt you are someone she felt she could 'pour her heart out too'.

You don't have any right to know how she was really feeling. You also don't sound very sympathetic as it's all about how hurt and angry you are.

She's having a breakdown and YOU are upset with HER?

I don't think that makes you a good SIL

I had a breakdown five years ago. Building up to it I never made out life was perfect in the way your SIL did, but my own barrier would be that I was extremely private (would seem aloof or standoffish to some I think) and wouldn't let anyone in to know what was really going on. But it is incredibly difficult to tell someone you're struggling when you don't know yourself what is going on. What are you supposed to do - grab someone while they're chatting over a cup of tea and scream, "help me I'm not coping. I feel like I'm going under"? Sometimes I would imagine doing this while people were talking to me. It can feel incredibly difficult to confide in anyone when you feel you're mentally struggling, until it is too late and you can't hide it any more.

So maybe it isn't it in any way personal with your SIL. Confiding in someone - even someone close - that things aren't right in the worse possible way, but that you don't know what's wrong and you don't know what help you even need, is actually an incredibly difficult thing to do. I hope that makes some sort of sense? Reading it back, probably not lol. You can imagine what my head was like back then at the time.

Because they have always been punished for 'moaning' and 'wallowing' and rewarded for being 'stoic' or 'positive'.

Agree. I grew up where you were self pitying and needed to get a grip. A lot of people bottle up things because it's 'negative' to tell the truth.

Another way of looking at it is that perhaps your SIL doesn’t feel as close to you as you are to her. I can think of at least two people in my life who I am fond of, enjoy their company etc. They love pouring their heart out to me but they are not necessarily the same people I would confide in if I had a problem

This, exactly.

Often when people are in counselling they have a sudden realisation of stuff in their life/ childhood/ marriage. Up to then it was normal to them. Your sil wasn't sitting there thinking l will not tell anyone how bad it is. She didn't know herself. She had grown up with her norm and sometimes it takes a storm to blow that cover away and see whats really going on.
Its like with teenagers. How many people actually say..my teenager is a little brat . They usually just battle on keeping a lid on it until the stage passes or all hell breaks loose.
Also we all need to be careful who we share our heart with as opening up in the wrong place is worse than silence as its like throwing our pearls to swine.
Your sil was living her norm. That is who she is. Accept her as she is. Thats the biggest gift you can give anyone.

Wow! Have just logged back and am shocked by the flaming I'm getting. So I need to take a hard look at myself and how I come across.

You don't know me. I think I am a really nice person!!! I haven't uttered a word of this except on Mumsnet. I haven't spoken to DH about it. My SIL's problems are nothing about me. I feel really sorry for her. We are not close enough physically for me to offer support (she lives 100s miles away and is refusing visitors) and emotionally (she obviously doesn't want to confide in me). She has lots of friends, parents and a sister. I obviously didn't make myself completely clear, although some people inferred what I was trying to say. I was trying to use this as an example of when people make things sound better than they are and to try to understand motivation, so I can be a better person, friend, relative.
SIL's problems were not supposed be the point of this post.

Thanks for everyone who has been nice. I would not have mentioned this to anyone in real life BECAUSE IT ISNT ABOUT ME, it just made me question people's motivations generally and I thought it would be helpful for me to understand people better in life. It was obviously a terrible example.

I'm obviously too sensitive for Mumsnet. My heart was racing and I was really flushing reading those responses! Preparing to get flamed for that. I'm going to read the whole thread carefully later as I can obviously take some lessons here about how I come across. pleased a psychologist doesn't think I'm a bitch!