Can anyone help me understand why people pretend things are better than they really are?

[CheshireSplat]

I'm feeling a little upset with my SIL and it's made me think more generally about people's motivations.

She and I have always seemed to get on very well. We aren't close friends but good SILs.

My BIL (her DH) has recently opened up to the family that she's really struggling. She's always put a great deal of pressure on herself, worked very hard in her career, takes up sports from 0-60 and becomes very good at them. She has 2 youngish DCs. She's now having some type of breakdown, anxiety stopping her leaving the house, BIL having to take time off work. I feel really sorry for her. I honestly do. But there's a tiny bit of me that's cross. We've had a number of discussions over the years about my guilt at not having a better relationship with my DM. It's quite hard work, fractured, snappy and I feel awful but haven't been able to fix it. When we've spoken she speaks of her relationship with her DM in glowing terms, how they're best friends, how she wishes she would see her more, that have made me feel worse. But it turns out now that that's all untrue. Her DM phoned BIL's DM to discuss her worries about her daughter. And it turns out that she's been worried for years, she knows her DH has been hiding things from her for years, that their relationship isn't that good or close. Why, would SIL have led me to believe that things were so rosey with her when I've poured my heart out over the years. I know her current problems are serious and it's certainly not all about me, but I'm feeling quite cross about this past behaviour. On the other hand these latest revelations have made me think my relationship with my DM isn't so unusual!!

Another example. People always say not to trust people who say their babies sleep through. Why would you lie about this? Fortunately for me my NCT group had 5; terrible sleepers so we spent our time complaining how hard our lives were!

So just 2 examples. Why do people pretend things are better than they are? I'm fortunate in that I've got pretty healthy self esteem so am happy to show my life isn't perfect. Why is it so important to some people to pretend things are better than they are. They're missing out on potential support networks by doing that.

georgie wtf. What is horrible about the OP?????

She’s all me me me. SIL is having a crisis and OP is cross that she didn’t tell her sooner. She sounds awful, unsympathetic and self involved. Not an ounce of sympathy as to the mental state of her SIL.

And you say yourself that you aren't close friends, so I am really not sure why you would expect her to confide in you. I would especially avoid confiding in a member of my extended family, to be honest -- I would hate someone pitying me across rooms at family gatherings, and, rightly or wrongly, would not be convinced that a family member would keep what I said to themselves, though probably thinking that they were doing the right thing.

Personally, when I'm struggling, I shut down. I absolutely do not want to talk to anyone about it, and I concentrate in getting through, and don't see anyone. I don't 'owe' anyone my private experience.

I don't think you're a bitch at all, OP, just it's a slightly odd response to someone else's breakdown. I can appreciate that if this woman was your best friend and you saw each other all the time and she had been being perfectly cheerful around you up until the moment she broke, you might feel puzzled and hurt -- but you say yourself you're not close and she lives hundreds of miles away, so I'm a bit more puzzled as to why to say you feel 'cross' with her for not confiding...?

I have a friend who does this a lot and where she is concerned its just about putting a front on. Occasionally she lets it all out and i try and be supportive and let her know she's not alone but then two days later the front is back on.

It's a shame really for her that she feels like she has to keep up a pretence. I actually feel really sorry for her and feel like if she could accept the reality a little bit she then might be able to do something to improve some of it.

I kind of understand how you feel.

georgie I think you're reading into it a little more than is actually there.

georgie I think you're reading into it a little more than is actually there.

Or, more likely, we just have different opinions.

Hi OP, I didn't think your post was bad. I have a friend like this too. She always says everything in her life is great. She told me she has never argued with her partner (which made me feel bad about my own relationship). Then her partner told me once that they have the most awful rows and she often locks herself in the bathroom crying. I think it's just pride and low self esteem that makes her behave like this.

georgie well, perhaps, but you seem to be pretty convinced that you are right, even though the OP is only musing on the situation. You don't know how she actually responded in real life to know she's 'all me me me'

maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with telling you stuff

that is her lookout

poeple don't HAVE to tell people personal stuff in reciprocation

you chose to tell her stuff
to be angry that she didn't reciprocate is very childish
especially when she is ill

nothing It's not about not telling personal stuff. It's just weird when people go on about how great stuff is when it's actually a disaster,

"emotionally (she obviously doesn't want to confide in me)"

She didn't want to confide about her mum
Maybe she will about something else

To not offer emotional support (ie ring up and say how are you and then either she talks sometimes or not) is also childish

but you seem to be pretty convinced that you are right As do you. Surely the SIL’s actions are her own business, why would a ‘nice person’ [Op’s words] get so cross with someone who is struggling. Cross that they have made you feel bad, cross that they have bluffed their happiness, cross that they aren’t privy to the thoughts and feelings of a mentally unwell person. That’s incredibly self centred. If you think that makes her a good SIL then you must have low expectations. As I said I have one who is a big gossip and I couldn’t care less whether she gets cross at me for not confiding in her.

georgie Well, she can feel however she want. It's how people act that is important, surely. Feelings can't really be helped, can they?

You seem to have taken great exception to me expressing my opinion on this thread. I suspect you have a similar personality to the OP- ‘Everyone should think and behave and react the same as me and if you don’t you are wrong’.

OP I agree. Your SIL’s situation aside for a moment, in terms of people I’m drawn to and want to spend time with, someone who is open and honest about the not so great bits of life and can talk openly is far more relatable and appealing to me than someone who’s all ‘EVERYTHING IS SO GREAT!’ all the time. It’s so obvious that that’s fake, but even if it wasn’t, I don’t want someone bragging about their superior life all the time.

I know someone like this. She makes up all manner of fanciful stories about her life which are utter bullshit, then she’ll come wailing and complaining and saying she has severe anxiety and wants to kill herself. I have MH problems myself but any sympathy I might have had for her was extinguished by the fact that I know everything good she says about her life is attention-seeking rubbish, so the bad stuff seems like it is too. If she was just a genuine and upfront person on all counts I’d be more inclined to listen if she said she had a problem, but she’s a pathological liar so I just tune out

georgie wtf? It's a discussion board. I'm discussing with you. Since when is that something that means I've taken exception to you?

I was interested in discussing why you have such a different opinion to me, but you seem to make a lot of assumptions based on not much.

Very weird.

Feelings can't really be helped, can they?

Yes, they can. People can easily change their minds and how they think about things. If you find out you misunderstood a situation doesn't that change the way you feel about it? Have you never experienced great relief when you were worried about something that turned out to be not as bad as you anticipated, for example?

OP I think there is a huge leap between your SIL having a nervous breakdown and not believing people who say their babies sleep through.

Some people are telling the truth about their babies sleeping through. I know mine did from early on. The fact that you feel like people have to be lying because it is different from your own experience and it makes you feel bad speaks volumes.

Reading between the lines I do get the impression that there has been a silent, unspoken competitive element between the two of you, whether you admit to it or not. The fact that you felt bad because your relationship with DM was shit compared to hers and she wanted to make out hers was better than it was just shows the pair of you have been comparing yourselves against one another for a long time.

cool well that's not really the same situation is it?

One experiences the feelings they experience. Of course those can change, and I don't think I said they couldn't change. But blaming people for their feelings isn't on. Blaming people for their actions is something quite different.

There are many, many complex reasons why people put on a front, all of which seem to be completely passing you by!!

It is not easy to open up to a string person if you're struggling yourself. It is not easy to open up if you have anxiety........infinitum.

To be honest, and I know you won't like this, you don't come across as the sort of person I'd open up to. It's not a criticism, but if you've spent so much time opening up to her, she probably has a pretty good impression of the type of person you are. It doesn't mean she thinks any less of you.

She sounds as if she's been a good support to you for many years. You need to get over this crossness and support her.

You have no reason or right to be cross with her at all, literally none.

I have confided with people in the past and honestly I probably would never do so again as they didn't help and in fact made me feel even worse with their replies.

Opening up isn't always the best thing to do unless you are doing so to someone who is a professional. Saying everything is fine at least shuts down any conversation with people that you don't want or feel you can confide to and there is nothing wrong with that.

Ok. We’ve read the same Op as each other. If I’ve made assumption then so have you, we both have the same information. You were the first to get irate at something I said, not the other way around.

I have anxiety and it’s quite bad at the moment. I’ve confided in three friends. One has had a similar experience and has some useful tips, one nodded along and has never mentioned it since. The third speaks over me about her problems whenever I start talking. Which of those three do you think I would confide in next time and which ones will I bluff to that everything is fine? I genuinely don’t understand why you think that anyone should expose their most personal thoughts and feelings to anyone and everyone just because they say so.

Some people are private and don't like others feeling sorry for them. I hate the thought someone might feel sorry for me, so would not 'open up' and would put a glossy spin on things in public.

georgie I'm just mystified by you. 'Irate'?

I also never said anyone should 'expose their most personal thoughts and feelings'.

You are reading things I didn't write and putting feelings on me I didn't express.

I have to admit I don’t really get this - as mentioned I have MH issues which have gone through periods of being very severe (close to hospitalisation etc) and I’ve alwags found it much, much harder to lie than to just say ‘I’m not feeling great’. It feels like so much more effort to pretend everything’s fine, and I can literally feel my insides twisting with the knowledge that everything is about as far from fine as it could be. I don’t get why that’s the preferable option tbh. Even to casual acquaintances and work colleagues I can’t lie