Can anyone help me understand why people pretend things are better than they really are?

[CheshireSplat]

I'm feeling a little upset with my SIL and it's made me think more generally about people's motivations.

She and I have always seemed to get on very well. We aren't close friends but good SILs.

My BIL (her DH) has recently opened up to the family that she's really struggling. She's always put a great deal of pressure on herself, worked very hard in her career, takes up sports from 0-60 and becomes very good at them. She has 2 youngish DCs. She's now having some type of breakdown, anxiety stopping her leaving the house, BIL having to take time off work. I feel really sorry for her. I honestly do. But there's a tiny bit of me that's cross. We've had a number of discussions over the years about my guilt at not having a better relationship with my DM. It's quite hard work, fractured, snappy and I feel awful but haven't been able to fix it. When we've spoken she speaks of her relationship with her DM in glowing terms, how they're best friends, how she wishes she would see her more, that have made me feel worse. But it turns out now that that's all untrue. Her DM phoned BIL's DM to discuss her worries about her daughter. And it turns out that she's been worried for years, she knows her DH has been hiding things from her for years, that their relationship isn't that good or close. Why, would SIL have led me to believe that things were so rosey with her when I've poured my heart out over the years. I know her current problems are serious and it's certainly not all about me, but I'm feeling quite cross about this past behaviour. On the other hand these latest revelations have made me think my relationship with my DM isn't so unusual!!

Another example. People always say not to trust people who say their babies sleep through. Why would you lie about this? Fortunately for me my NCT group had 5; terrible sleepers so we spent our time complaining how hard our lives were!

So just 2 examples. Why do people pretend things are better than they are? I'm fortunate in that I've got pretty healthy self esteem so am happy to show my life isn't perfect. Why is it so important to some people to pretend things are better than they are. They're missing out on potential support networks by doing that.

I wouldn't advocate blaming people for their feelings but I do think even though we might initially feel one way, as a gut reaction, we can consciously and purposely decide to dismiss negative thoughts. Such as when we decide to give people the benefit of doubt. I think it's a shame when people don't recognise this for themselves. They can easily become a victim of their own emotions.

cool Why would we dismiss negative emotions? That seems like a very unhealthy way to live.

Because people are too wrapped up in their own problems to actually stop and listen, really listen and actually empathise with someone else's.

Because if you do open up it's like opening a floodgate and you might not be able to stop.

Because life has to go on and you are hanging on by a thread and if you let yourself break you might not be able to keep going (the point where SIL has now reached)

Never start a sentence with because

It feels like so much more effort to pretend everything’s fine, and I can literally feel my insides twisting with the knowledge that everything is about as far from fine as it could be. I don’t get why that’s the preferable option tbh.

I think that might be the difference between when a person has an actual measurable mental illness, which can physically add physiologically affect them to people who might be experiencing difficult life circumstances but can cope with it and still feel positive and hopeful. I went through cancer treatment but could answer truthfully that I was ok because it didn't completely overwhelm me.

Ok I’m done. If you really cannot see that other people have a different POV to you then it’s a pointless conversation.

OP I hope you can find it in you to be kind to your SIL in her time of crisis and not continue to be cross.

cool Why would we dismiss negative emotions? That seems like a very unhealthy way to live.

I recognise what they might be telling me and move on. It's no fun being negative. I like to enjoy myself, thanks. 😁

NothingOnTelly:
"poeple don't HAVE to tell people personal stuff in reciprocation"

True. But it helps. In fact it's needed, to bond friendship. To strengthen and deepen friendships.

If that's what you want/need/crave.

Or else you have no one to confide in, trust. You have only superficial acquaintances. For some that's all they need.

But most/many people crave deep friendships. That depth of friendship is what makes humans different from other animal species.

The real skill is in choosing your friends and trusted people carefully.

loy but opening up is one thing. Just saying 'yeah it's all fine' is something different.

Example: my parents were pretty shit and neglectful, no relationship with my dad, my mum basically insulted me every day, called me stupid, lazy, wicked etc every single day. I don't really like to talk about it so when people ask me about my childhood or whatever, I just keep it vague. I don't say 'oh it was amazing' or 'I'm sooo close to my mum' or something. I just say 'yeah it was ok' or 'nothing special' or whatever and try to change the subject. Sometimes I'll just say 'tbh things weren't great but it's water under the bridge' and most people are relieved to change the subject cos I think most people don't really want to listen tbh.

The OP isn't saying that the SIL needs to open the floodgates daily, but actually straight up lying seems really weird.

georgie ok, but maybe don't read shit into people's posts, accuse them of shit etc.

cool I guess we all like to enjoy ourselves, but anger, sadness etc are a part of life and denying that is generally a recipe for disaster.

My post was in context to the OP

Whose SIL didn't share info about her mothers relationship when OP did
And OP has found out and is angry with her

So... you support OP?

I would also say that most people share with people they want to and not with others. There is no obligation to reciprocate.Some poeple overshare > should others feel compelled to do the same back? I once took a course and a woman who I'd never met before started telling me about her sex life. Should I have reiprocated for fear of otherwise remaining ever friendless? No, of course not.

There is a middle ground between always reciprocaitng and never, which most people manage to tread perfectly easily.

Deciding not to tell the postman personal info just because he has is not going to result in a lifetime void of deep friendships.

That wasn't what I was saying. Big Difference between not telling the postman your deepest darkest secrets.

And a relationship with sil. Which,
Op clearly Misinterpreted the closeness/open-ness of the sil relationship.

And having a friend whom your relationship gradually slowly over time deepens and you share more and more, shared experiences bind you, and become closer.

Whilst other friendships just stay on a very pleasant status, neither growing nor changing in closeness but just stays the same pleasantries for years. Fine.

The skill is just recognising the differences.

My experiences of opening up haven't been great in honesty. Maybe she just didn't want people knowing her business. Once you've put it all out there, there often isn't any going back and you leave yourself vulnerable to potentially all kinds of unwanted advice and opinions. Hence why my second child is a good sleeper, my family are happy and everything is fine with me

Op:

I am more like you than your SiL.

I found it unsettling to realise the lies people tell (themselves and) me. It can lead to feelings of dissillusionment if you have shown your vulnerabilities but hadn't realised that was not how the other person operates.

As to why, I explain it to myself as different temperaments and upbringings. Some need above all to "put on a good front". It can be a good policy (that I've adopted as I've got older myself) to get you through tricky times.

I think (and here I'm observing and speculating) that when you do it by default over a long period of life it can become like a massive dam which at some point can break badly.

I think if you want to be a friend to someone like this you don't tell them their way is wrong (sometimes it's not!) But you can just accept them for who they are and realise they are often telling you the fantasy version of life.

If she needs help now don't let your feelings about the past get in the way but reach out and offer her the best of you.

I have mental health issues. None of my friends know and I wouldn't tell them. i don't like to make myself feel vulnerable and I don't want anything to be thrown back in my face ever

People are complicated and everyone has different coping mechanisms. Just because it is easy for one person to open up doesn't mean another can. Sometimes they are just battling to stay afloat and can't acknowledge things to themselves yet let alone anyone else. Or maybe you weren't the right person for them to speak to at the time for whatever reason. All you can do is try and be a supportive, non judgmental presence from now on. It's important to accept people can only deal with things in their own way.

Basically people don't do things the way we want them to, the way we would do it, at the exact time of our choosing. That's life!

Thanks everyone.

I'm not "really cross" of course. I feel really sorry for her. However, finding out that her relationship with her DM isn't as perfect as she told me has upset me because the way she portrayed it previously made me feel that I was a bad person because I didn't have that perfect relationship with my DM. So I've learned not to judge myself based on others' lives. It's not her job to make me feel better about myself.

What I was asking was why people don't tell the truth. And I've had some really interesting answers, so thank you. Lots to reflect on.

Georgie I'm not sure why you've got that impression of me. I have tried to reflect in my later posts. I'd be interested in you opinion.

oak but do you go on about how awesome your life is?

Because that's what the OP is about.

cool I guess we all like to enjoy ourselves, but anger, sadness etc are a part of life and denying that is generally a recipe for disaster.

You don't have to deny those emotions to dismiss them. I make the distinction because dismissal and denial because dismissal involves a recognition and a conscious decision to move on. So if angry you think why, what the anger is telling you, quickly consider if you need to take action or if you need to file it away for later and then make a decision and move on to more enjoyable thoughts and pastimes. If you need to take action, do it and be pleased you are making steps to resolve the issue or if you can't file it away and welcome the insight the information might give you in the future.

Ok I’ll try and be honest.

I’m really really suffering at the moment. Part of my feelings are that I’m failing. Failing as a mother, as a wife, at work, with my weight, my house, my health.

How can I possibly tell people how crap things are when it would reinforce the very opinion of me I don’t want them to have.

I panic at the sheer thought that someone would think I’m not a good mother, or that I’d make a mistake at work. I can’t tell them when things go wrong as then they’d know. We have the ‘messy house’ if anyone was to just pop in. My house is very tidy when guests come as I think them seeing my house untidy is a lack of control. But then everyone else’s house is tidy when we visit them too...

I just don’t want to tell people I’m not coping, it’s a sign of failure and even when I’m well again, people won’t forget what you shared with them. It will be forever in their judgement of you.

And to be honest, some posters reactions to my views only reinforces to me that I don’t want to share my innermost feelings with anyone.

Op = how awesome her life is?
That's not how I read it.
Op = why are some people not honest?

However, finding out that her relationship with her DM isn't as perfect as she told me has upset me because the way she portrayed it previously made me feel that I was a bad person because I didn't have that perfect relationship with my DM. So I've learned not to judge myself based on others' lives. It's not her job to make me feel better about myself.

This is a positive outcome! You don't need to judge yourself too harshly for a less than perfect relationship with your DM. I expect your sadness is because of the regret you feel over judging yourself harshly in the past. But don't emphasise looking back, look forward and bask in the relief you can feel that you don't need to feel bad!

OP:

You are all Me Too.