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Original poster

Can anyone help me understand why people pretend things are better than they really are?

156 replies

CheshireSplat · 20/11/2018 07:13

I'm feeling a little upset with my SIL and it's made me think more generally about people's motivations.

She and I have always seemed to get on very well. We aren't close friends but good SILs.

My BIL (her DH) has recently opened up to the family that she's really struggling. She's always put a great deal of pressure on herself, worked very hard in her career, takes up sports from 0-60 and becomes very good at them. She has 2 youngish DCs. She's now having some type of breakdown, anxiety stopping her leaving the house, BIL having to take time off work. I feel really sorry for her. I honestly do. But there's a tiny bit of me that's cross. We've had a number of discussions over the years about my guilt at not having a better relationship with my DM. It's quite hard work, fractured, snappy and I feel awful but haven't been able to fix it. When we've spoken she speaks of her relationship with her DM in glowing terms, how they're best friends, how she wishes she would see her more, that have made me feel worse. But it turns out now that that's all untrue. Her DM phoned BIL's DM to discuss her worries about her daughter. And it turns out that she's been worried for years, she knows her DH has been hiding things from her for years, that their relationship isn't that good or close. Why, would SIL have led me to believe that things were so rosey with her when I've poured my heart out over the years. I know her current problems are serious and it's certainly not all about me, but I'm feeling quite cross about this past behaviour. On the other hand these latest revelations have made me think my relationship with my DM isn't so unusual!!

Another example. People always say not to trust people who say their babies sleep through. Why would you lie about this? Fortunately for me my NCT group had 5; terrible sleepers so we spent our time complaining how hard our lives were!

So just 2 examples. Why do people pretend things are better than they are? I'm fortunate in that I've got pretty healthy self esteem so am happy to show my life isn't perfect. Why is it so important to some people to pretend things are better than they are. They're missing out on potential support networks by doing that.

OP posts:

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/11/2018 11:02

It can be down to wanting to present a perfect image.

I used to know someone whose 'everything' had to be better than anyone else's - her house (back home, we were living overseas) her dh her children, you name it. She often had a very superior manner. We were renting out our own house in the UK - when I mentioned it she said she could never rent out theirs, since, 'It's much too good to rent.'

Of course there is no such thing, which I didn't think to say at the time. But she had to imply that hers was better than ours.

It was a long time before I stopped taking it all at face value, and realised that it was just an image she felt the need to present. You live and learn.

HappyGoodHairBear · 20/11/2018 11:04

If someone was regularly confiding in me a lot, last thing I would do during that period would be to start going on about my problems too. Just out of “one thing at a time”. I’d maybe tell them about something I’d done in a similar situation if it had made things better/worked. Otherwise I’d just listen. A mutual loan session is a bit depressing.

Maybe she’s the type of person a lot of people confide in and she doesn’t feel it’s her role to confide herself.

Maybe she’s shy or private or had been brought up to look on the bright side no matter what.

Maybe you two aren’t as close as you thought. Did you ask her if it was ok to talk about your problems before you started confiding in her? That might have been something she wasn’t comfortable with but felt it would be rude to object to.

I do kind of understand why a SIL would feel odd about confiding in her SIL. The thing is about loyalties. At the end of the day, both people are likely to feel a stronger loyalty to their partner or their sibling than their SIL, unless they were friends beforehand, or really hit it off or have been SILs for a very long time. It’s just a bit too close, the person isn’t really detached enough from the situation to offer a fresh perspective, or they might feel obligated to tell someone in the family group. It’s just not likely to be discrete or discreet.

HappyGoodHairBear · 20/11/2018 11:04

Mutual moan!

coolcrispwinter · 20/11/2018 11:05

I'm not cynical enough to think that they would stretch out the process to mine a patient for an unholy amount of their disposable income,

Look if they help, I won't knock it. However the whole ethos behind therapy is that an individual might require the help of going through the process so I think some implicit biases there.

Elfinablender · 20/11/2018 11:06

Did you read the rest of that post, cool?

Hisaishi · 20/11/2018 11:08

elf sure, it might work for some, but for most people with mh problems, it doesn't.

coolcrispwinter · 20/11/2018 11:10

Cos I guess that would spin out the sessions for a hell of a lot longer since it is utter, unworkable tripe.

Not really, if you don't go to therapy.

But anyway, I expect you are speaking as you find. As I am. My ethos does work for me. It has got me through successfully situations that I have witnessed breaking others. And I am not that special. Maybe my ethos is not for you or you just don't want to try it. Either way it is not something I can make you do. If you were my friend I'd help only if you wanted me to.

coolcrispwinter · 20/11/2018 11:11

Did you read the rest of that post, cool?

Yes. Why do you doubt it?

HappyGoodHairBear · 20/11/2018 11:12

Also for some people, talking about things make it worse not better. It’s retraumatising. It can be so bad for some people it causes headaches, insomnia etc. Those type of people can do better with art therapy or movement based approaches, as talking about things will literally just dig them deeper into the hole.

Elfinablender · 20/11/2018 11:13

Because I agree with you?

TSSDNCOP · 20/11/2018 11:14

Because if you slap a smile on you can sometimes convince yourself that your world isn’t falling apart.

It’s a wafer thin gap between OK and really not OK sometimes. We would all do well to remember that.

coolcrispwinter · 20/11/2018 11:16

Anxiety isn’t logical unfortunately.

No, and I do experientially anxious thoughts. I just tell myself they are simply anxious thoughts and dismiss them as erroneous and do something else. It has taken practice (and much praying!).

coolcrispwinter · 20/11/2018 11:18

Because I agree with you

Ooh, yes, I'd doubt that too, I can talk nonsense sometimes! But great, anyway.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 20/11/2018 11:22

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat - I understand what you're saying.

I think it's a shame when people don't have non-judgmental family and/or friends that they can open up to occasionally.

I didn't have a choice. My life imploded in a very public way, and EVERYBODY around me knew what was going on, or at least they thought they did.

Opening up to people is hard, and was hard for me, even though they knew lots of what was happening anyway. Very few people have the ability to just listen, and be sympathetic.

I've had 'friends' ask prying questions, trying to delve far too deeply; telling me to 'go for a walk' as I would feel better, when I could barely get out of bed; invite me out for a drink, when I had no babysitters; offer help on THEIR terms, and get sniffy when I turn them down. It's been never ending.

But I also found amongst my friends some real gems. Some who would let me cry on their shoulders and would happily move the conversation on when I'd had a good cry; friends that would come over for a DVD and a glass of wine; friends that would invite me and my DC out, knowing that I could only go out if they came with me; friends that offered to take my DC out for things etc.

You can't really get one without the other. It's been a hell of a litmus test, the friends who have passed are seriously friends for life, but there's just not that many of them.

If I could go back to being anonymous and no one know what was going on in my life, I happily would I think.

Elfinablender · 20/11/2018 11:27

Well, now I am confused cool . Nevermind.

coolcrispwinter · 20/11/2018 11:44

Elfin, I was just joking! On first read it wasn't that clear that you were in complete agreement. There were too slightly conflicting statements. On the one hand you were saying you didn't believe therapists would purposely 'mine' their patients for disposable income on the other hand that you thought it would be conducive to running a business. So I just further defined what I thought for clarity. That is, like you somewhere between the extremes. Therapists aren't necessarily in it for the money but there is implicit bias in school of thought behind therapy itself.

coolcrispwinter · 20/11/2018 11:45

Two not too. (Just to confuse further!)

Conseulabananahammock · 20/11/2018 11:47

Because pretending that you are coping well, when you are infact desperate and on your knees is better than people's false sympathy...

coolcrispwinter · 20/11/2018 11:52

I think it's a shame when people don't have non-judgmental family and/or friends that they can open up to occasionally.

Yes, but I also think people overestimate how much other people can help. Just listen? Well their input isn't really required is it? And they almost never do just listen. They want to advise (not usually help practically) and they want you to follow advice and it work out brilliantly because you did follow their advice. I have found I don't like that kind of advice much. It is rarely something I haven't thought of or tried. So I just don't ask or share unless I am prepared to follow the advice. I research more anonymously. Then I only ask when I genuinely want someone else's direction. If I just want physical help I am specific about it and accept yes or no answers.

NotDavidTennant · 20/11/2018 11:57

In my experience, people who put pressure on themselves to be successful are often motivated by an intense fear of failure. Therefore they don't want to admit failure if they can avoid it.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 20/11/2018 12:35

Cool - Oh I know. The fact is MOST people are unable to be truly supportive and non judgmental. I've offended a lot of 'friends' recently when they've got on my nerves with their advice with comments like "Do you REALLY think that what you come up with in your 10 minutes of considering this I haven't thought of in the weeks and months that this has been going on?" I stopped being gentle about it and became quite bitchy.

Strugglingtodomybest · 20/11/2018 12:35

I've nothing to add other than I've found this a very interesting read as I have wondered about this myself in the past.

Hope your flushes have faded now OP

Aridane · 20/11/2018 12:43

Some people prefer not to whinge / overshare / are private.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/11/2018 13:05

From my own point of view, I have a very clear memory of crying to my Dad about something serious that was upsetting me and him basically saying, "I don't want to hear this, it makes me too sad." My mum had the kind of anxiety that makes you hide all your problems from her and, as she has got older, has become more closed in and cold.

I'm disabled and I was very bright in school. Life has sometimes been tough and I've dealt with it by employing pretty much major stiff upper lip. People tend to think I am very strong, friends seem uncomfortable if the cracks ever show.

Now my kids are grown up, they point out to me sometimes that I am coming across a bit cold, that I need to stop thinking other people need to toughen up. Behaviour is hard to unlearn though.

BedHair · 20/11/2018 13:27

I absolutely identify with this. My father is on the autistic spectrum, and the last time I actually confided in my parents about something serious a potentially serious foetal normality when I was pregnant with my son when I phoned them to tell them the tests suggested everything was OK, my father started talking over me and talked for ten minutes about how he had reprogrammed an old PC someone had given him. He really doesn't see or hear other people. And my mother is a chronic worrier, and it's really not helpful to me to listen to her telling me that life is a vale of tears and that she was awake at 3 am praying for me. I don't need that kind of unhelpful amplification of my problems.

So I tell neither of them anything, ever.

I know my brother and his wife had a miscarriage recently and he told my parents, with the result that in my mother's eyes, the whole thing has escalated into Tragic Barren Childlessness (when it was their first attempt to have a baby, and there's no indication at this point it's anything more), and he wishes he'd said nothing because all you get back is your own troubles made far worse by someone else's doomy imagination.

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