DP has spent an hour trying to collect 5 yr old from a play date

[Eastie77]

I'm at a loss. DD is 5 years old and went to a play date at a friends house today. DP went to pick her up at 6:30pm. Her friend only lives 5 minutes away so I've been wondering where he got too. He just turned up, his voice shaking saying he "cannot remove her" from her friends house, she is running around their sofa laughing, refusing to put her shoes on and will not come home. He left the house without her as he "couldn't take it anymore" after spending nearly an hour chasing around after her

I am in bed ill with DS who is also ill and he expected me to get dressed and go and get her! I have sent him back to fetch her and he has angrily left the house. I reminded him that he is a GROWN man surely capable of picking up a 5 year old child, putting her over his shoulder and walking out of the house?!! I feel like I'm in some kind of parallel universe here.

I'm friends with the play dates mother but god knows what she must be thinking..

I hate to imagine your dd in ten years time op....
Hands full to say the least with Disney Father...

Basic behaviourist theory - reward good behaviour, ignore bad behaviour. So, if the child wants to play for a few minutes more and they ask nicely - yes. If they run away or have a tantrum - no. Also try to have something nice about leaving/going home as an incentive (offered before the bad behaviour starts). By rewarding the bad behaviour you are basically training the child to cry / run away.

maybe your friend is bored and trying to get her claws in?

Eh?! In what way? Have an affair you mean?

Are you married to Mr Bean?

Did he count to 3?!!!!!!! Hahaha!

what a bunch of spoilt brats some of u will have

i dont want to make them cry? give over

I can totally sympathise if he didn’t want to be the bad guy or felt bad to upset his child. Especially if playdate mum seemed fine about it. Does nobody on here feel guilty when they upset their child or make them cry?

It's part of the parenting role to be the bad guy when necessary. You're not there to be the child's friend, you're there to parent. Children need boundaries, and pandering to their behaviour is not going to work well when you have a stroppy teen.

I have seen a few parents who are obviously afraid to do anything that will upset their child. I honestly think they are putting their feelings before what is best for their child.

Parenting is a skill. Skills are learned/taught. Getting angry and frustrated (outloud, without being helpful)at him is hardly solving the problem.

Give him some instructions. Frankly, i have helped fathers wrangle kids out of my house if needed. The hostess could have helped a bit.

Experienced advice given graciously helps everyone. If you came home without having accomplished a task that he is experienced in and he didnt give you advice, how would you feel?

My dh became quite good at parenting after learning how/advice.

Feel better

Is this a joke? 3 adults couldn't catch one child?! and

voice shaking, drained by it all. What a drama llama.

This is somthing my husband would do. Id be so pissed off. He is the adult,

If there's one thing Mumsnet has opened my eyes to it's that so many people are terrible at being parents.

Well there is no rule book is there? As in, if a child wants to buy a toy in a shop, often there is no right answer, especially if it is a cheap one so I feel bad to say no for the sake of it. I usually do say no but... Saying no just so they can see they don’t always get what they want feels very arbitrary and unclear. Likewise if they want to stay a few minute extra at a play date and play date mum doesn’t mind, why not? Personally as a play date host I never mind the kids staying longer if their parent wants a cup of tea. My children have unlimited energy and whatever uses it up is the best!

What I find draining is the deciding whether to say yes or no to stuff when it is not clear cut.

Is the issue that he doesn’t do much parenting, or that he is ineffective when it comes to discipline?

Mortifying. I hope you just laughed at him.

Can you ask him point blank if he was scared of raising his voice substantially or being seen to physically remove his own child from your friends house?

I can see that being a big barrier, I get accused of being to aggressive every time i seem to speak over a whisper.... not that that stops me of course.

Anyfucker! I was dreading you finding this thread. You told me to LTB years ago on another thread and I didn't take your advice..now here I am

To answer questions re. our childminder, she has told DP to his face that he doesn't control the DC and he needs to learn strategies. They are as good as gold for her but she says as soon as he turns up to pick them up DD starts acting the fool and now DS is picking up on it. She said it can take him up to 30mins just to get to the end of the road as DS wants to pick up stones or play on a slide in the little park and DP will stand there pleading with him to hurry along. DS is 3. I think as a PP said he hates being the bad guy. However he will on rare occasions lose it and shout. DD doesn't take it seriously but DS will burst into tears.

I'm not boasting or minimising but can honestly say both are extremely well behaved with everyone else. DD's teacher tells me he has not had to correct her behaviour once and it was the same in Reception and Nursery. Childminder calls her an angel apart from when DP is around. Obviously she misbehaves with me but I deal with it promptly.

DP said he will look into 123 Magic (I don't believe him)

OP you can get a dvd of 123 Magic and watch it together. It was the best thing we ever did.

I had a friend who parented like OP's DP - very wishy washy, child given a lot of control - one example, they let him decide his own bedtime. What child is going to make sensible choices about things like that when they're five?! That's why we make choices for them when they are so young, as they aren't capable of clear reasoned judgment and seeing the bigger picture. They learn through consistency that when you say No, you mean NO and that actually makes them feel more secure in the long run. Dithering about doesn't make them feel secure, it makes them suspect the adults running their lives don't actually have a clue.

And FWIW, my DH - and plenty more dads I know - is perfectly capable to telling a female child what's going to happen, thank you very much. Because he recognises that they are the child, he is the adult, and what he says goes. Shouting not needed either. What silly generalisations.

That is pretty tragic.
The other mother was being a tit by acting amused and letting your DD know there was a potential sleepover on the table.
However, DP should have picked up the shoes, picked up the kid and taken her out. If she was mine, she'd also be in trouble for not doing as she was told - lack of TV time, tablet time or something else that she likes.
DP needs to seriously raise his game or you'll be coping with a teenager on your own.

That is ridiculous I would not be impressed if I was the mother of the playdate and my evening was being eaten up by an ill-behaved 5 year old and an incompetent parent. 5 is old enough to understand that time to go means time to go.

To be fair to him it seems he finds parenting difficult and you seem to be much better at it. I can totally sympathise with a child behaving perfectly then as soon as I pick them up playing me up. Plus that road with a park on it would be a nightmare to walk a 3 year old down. Does it really matter if it takes him half an hour to walk it? I feel kids should get a say in what happens just as adults do.

Unless people are tired or hungry then what does it matter if it takes a while to get home? That’s what I mean by it feeling harsh to walk a 3 year old past a park and not let them go in! I still feel bad when we walk past parks now and the kids can’t go in!

I use 123 magic but find it ineffective when out and about.

You need to help your husband to motivate the children to listen to him...
The more success he has with them the better they will behave...
Get a box add something to it.
Tell the children they can open it when they get home with daddy.

Rainbow the road we are talking about is very short and I do think it's ridiculous to take 30mins to walk down it. If DS walks towards the park I expect DP to tell him firmly he is not going in. I agree if time permits there is no harm in taking his time but both DC are quite tired when he picks them up so all of this meandering impacts their evening.

Actually I now have to do the pick up most days (which meant altering the time I finish work, thankfully Manager is understanding) as the childminder has become so exasperated with his dilly dallying and taking ages to put their coats on and leave her house. The stones DS picks up from her garden are decorative and cost her quite a bit so she has asked DP not to let DS take them. Time and time again she has watched DS pick them up, DP say weakly put them back and the minute DS starts to cry DP quickly lets him have them.