If you're a long term SAHM, do you feel judged?

[pretzelflipzaretheanswer]

Hi,

Just that really.

I think it's accepted when your dc are pre school age that you take some time out, but once they're at primary... secondary and have decided to continue to SAH, do you feel judged and/or embarrassed? Because I do.

My dd is 11 and bar a bit of child minding, I've been a SAHM the whole time. My dd has additional needs and I have recurring depression and anxiety, both factors to me not working. I am also fully aware that I am able to do this, as my DP earns a very good salary and so I appreciate I'm lucky in that respect.

Does anyone else dread though, that inevitable question at, for example, your dp's Christmas party or generally when meeting new people - "so.. what do you do?". I hate it. Absolutely hate it! You either get "ohhhh" awkward expression and pause "hardest job in the world though, right?" Or a nod and no comment at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't really blame them. I mean, what do you say to that, really? But I have had the "but what do you do with your day?!" "Aren't you bored?" questions. Well, yes. Sometimes I am, but if someone told me they were an accountant, something which would bore me to tears, would I be so rude, as to ask "but aren't you bored?" I'm not having a go at accountants btw I did actually used to work in accounts, I'm just using this for comparison.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just thought I'd ask how others in the same position felt. I've had quite a few awkward moments like this recently and it makes me feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Thanks for reading.

I'm not taking offence (are you in America?). I just don't feel the need to list out my day(s) to you any more than you are willing to list out your day to me.

I don’t judge SAHMs & think that for some families it’s much easier to have one person at home. However I do sometimes question why its generally always men who are happy to work so hard, thrive off it etc & I actually would judge the dad who stayed at home once the kids were older.
Personally I like the balance of working part time & hopefully if I continue to progress DH will also have the opportunity to reduce his hours slightly. To me that’s the ideal solution both parents on a 3/4 day week.

I'll take that as a yes (blood from a stone). SAHM do during the day what working mums do at night after work.

I’m in my 30s & another reason I wanted to keep my toe in the water of work is that I think it is much harder now to get back into work after a long gap.

I work part time.

However nobody knows what anybody else’s situation is so how can you judge?

It’s always the same to SAHMs ‘but what do you do all day?. Confused head tilt. Come on, surely we can all think of ways to fill 5 hours quite enjoyably whilst our kids are at school. It’s such a goady question. Basically forcing SAHMs to admit yes, they do the housework for an hour then they may go to the gym then meet friends for a coffee. Bingo to the WOHM who proclaims, ‘yes but I work and do all the housework in the evening, I do everything you do but still work’! How wonderful. Have a medal.

Such a cliche. Nobody has to the right to ask someone else what they do all day and to justify their time.

Women against women again. Just let everyone make their own choices.

I have worked all manner of part time hours, been a SAHM but now work full time. I'm so glad that I maintained my employability as I am solely responsible for supporting my children.

I do judge the SAHM of primary and above children, but mainly because the ones I know would struggle if they ended up in my rather unfortunate circumstances.

Lazy and selfish to dedicate your time to the little individuals you decided to bring to this planet? Giving full-time guidance and looking after them the whole time, rather than farming them out to strangers to look after

But this thread is about a woman with one child, who is at secondary school, it's not about women with pre schoolers.

If you can afford not to work and do your chores and house keeping while the kids are at school instead of after work then good on you. But to label yourself a SAHM when your kids are at school is a little daft.

rededucator - SAHMs are not an homogeneous group, you know

So if I spend my mornings with my horse and, say, 3 afternoons a week doing voluntary work alongside adults with learning difficulties who enjoy spending time with horses; that isn't much help to you, is it?

Work, or lack of it, doesn't define you. It shouldn't define you!

Many women getting into their 50s are finding themselves caring for their parents and teenage dcs and working full time (and going through menopause which is fucking awful). If those women can afford to give up work or go very part time - good luck to them.

That's not a SAHM then is it? It's someone who doesn't work? If someone looked after horses and did voluntary work but didn't have kids they'd just not work? A SAHM is someone who stays at home and does Mum tasks?

It’s sad to see women defending their choices. You don’t need to answer to anyone but your partner and children. Do men have these discussions online? Do men get asked what they’re going to do with regards to work once the baby is born? Do men get told why bother having children if you’re going to farm them out to nursery? Do men get told they’re lazy if they’re SAHDs? Do they heck.

I’m not a SAHM but it doesn’t bother me if you are. It does bother me if you feel judged because it’s shit and you deserve better.

I have no idea why SAHMs get asked what they do all do all day. Those who ask, use your imagination - what do you do/would you do if the kids were away for the weekend?

I can’t remember who said it but there was a comment about ambition. Well, plenty of working people lack ambition. Plenty of non working people have ambitions in other areas like; volunteer work or art.

Work, or lack of it, doesn't define you. It shouldn't define you!

It shouldn't but it does, in society we judge people by what they do, from long term unemployed, to the bin collector, to thr doctor, the solicitor, or the ceo of a multi national, judging people on what they do is as old as time and prevalent across most cultures.

We don't make judgements on If they are a nice person, or kind, but society judges the type of person they are on other criteria, intelligent, successful, affluent, ambitious, based on what a person does. Rightly or wrongly, like it or not, it's a simple fact and it won't ever change.

A SAHM is someone who stays at home and does Mum tasks?

ahhhh ... so the mum has to stay at home all day toiling away at her chores in order to qualify as a SAHM? If she leaves the house, she magically turns into "someone who does not work". I hope you don't teach your pupils to take things so literally. Use some imagination!

No, i dont feel judged by most of my friends

There are a few that have made dumb comments but i dont hold that against them (much)

Although i 'like' posters on here i really dont care what the majority of people on here think of me

i can't think of anyone else that might judge me....my mum may have judged me and MIL, but they unfortunately arent around anymore

So no...i dont feel judged

Rededucator, why all the angst over what terminology people should or shouldn't use? It really doesn't matter. Someone referring to themself as a SAHM is just an easily understandable way to explain their work/home life situation.

I’m on a career break from a respected workplace. I feel fine saying I’m on a career break but DS1 has additional needs & is at special school & childcare seems to be impossible.....so actually I’m not sure if i’ll be back & it scares the shit out of me - mentally & financially.

“What do you do” is such a boring stupid party question. The answer could be difficult for so many reasons - redundancy, long term illness, being a career, maybe you’re a traffic warden

I prefer to ask ‘what do you enjoy in life’ or ‘what kind of things do you like doing’, then people can tell me about their passion for gardening or 11th century stamps or whatever.

No as I think in rl people are too busy with their own lives to judge others, and they don’t actually even carec it’s not like on here!!

chesty yes exactly! I 'do' lots of things - it's just they're not a job or career or something I get paid for. It has always annoyed me that people are defined by their job title. Even on quiz shows it's always "this is Jane from Swindon who works in marketing". So? Why is Jane's job important or relevant to whether she is any good at figuring out random general knowledge or whatever?

I have been a housewife/SAHM for 15 years. Two at secondary, one still at primary.

Things I HAVE to do every day are:
School run, walk dog for 1.5/2 hours (that takes care of exercise too), school run in afternoon. Each evening there are different clubs I take my children to, swimming, football etc

In between I do washing/ironing, food shopping, run errands. I volunteer in school for 2 afternoons a week (short on help as so many parents both go back to work now) plus other bits and pieces now and again. All other family members work so I also run errands for elderly family members, take to appointments when needed, do some food shopping etc. Very occasionally I’m a back up for childcare for family. Family are all grateful that I’m around to help and they definitely don’t judge. This works for us. My husband’s hours can be 12 hours long (fortunately not so much these days) and he has to go abroad sometimes. He enjoys his career and he wouldn’t have been able to progress as far as he has if we had both worked. I wanted to be at home and I like being able to get everything done during the week so that at weekends we can relax a bit more. I really do admire parents that both work, it must be a lot to juggle and hard work trying to fit everything in. I am happy with my choice, I enjoy being at home and I feel lucky that I did have a choice. My youngest starts secondary in september so no more school runs. I am hoping to be able to pursue a hobby of mine that I haven’t had time to do yet but it’s a skill that would be useful and I can volunteer my services once I have mastered it. Although who knows, I may start up my own business off the back of it if I’m really bored

Does that answer some of your questions about what a housewife/SAHM does all day?

To answer op’s question, yes I feel judged by those outside my family sometimes.

‘The teachers put all the resources in secondary school towards the kids of professionals, not in the kids of you and me’
What an odd view someone to have said to you.
The sad reality is that most things are governed by the holy spreadsheet. We haven't a clue about whose parents or carers work/stay at home etc the vast majority of the time.
Your friend is probably being a bit paranoid about her choices if she thinks that staff who teach 200-500 students a week spend time choosing not to offer help based on some psychic knowledge of parental jobs.

‘The teachers put all the resources in secondary school towards the kids of professionals, not in the kids of you and me

You'd think it would be the other way round in reality and that teachers would be trying their best to instil career goals and a work ethic into the children where they have a non working role model. Those whose parents both worth see that modelled daily.

Op do you think it would be easier to say "I don't work' rather than I'm a sahm? Or maybe I don't need to work? I'm sure lots of people could identify with the idea of not working and pursuing other interesting things? And you might get less querying your day and more people asking about hobbies/ interests