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Original poster

If you're a long term SAHM, do you feel judged?

283 replies

pretzelflipzaretheanswer · 14/11/2018 13:09

Hi,

Just that really.

I think it's accepted when your dc are pre school age that you take some time out, but once they're at primary... secondary and have decided to continue to SAH, do you feel judged and/or embarrassed? Because I do.

My dd is 11 and bar a bit of child minding, I've been a SAHM the whole time. My dd has additional needs and I have recurring depression and anxiety, both factors to me not working. I am also fully aware that I am able to do this, as my DP earns a very good salary and so I appreciate I'm lucky in that respect.

Does anyone else dread though, that inevitable question at, for example, your dp's Christmas party or generally when meeting new people - "so.. what do you do?". I hate it. Absolutely hate it! You either get "ohhhh" awkward expression and pause "hardest job in the world though, right?" Or a nod and no comment at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't really blame them. I mean, what do you say to that, really? But I have had the "but what do you do with your day?!" "Aren't you bored?" questions. Well, yes. Sometimes I am, but if someone told me they were an accountant, something which would bore me to tears, would I be so rude, as to ask "but aren't you bored?" I'm not having a go at accountants btw Grin I did actually used to work in accounts, I'm just using this for comparison.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just thought I'd ask how others in the same position felt. I've had quite a few awkward moments like this recently and it makes me feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
ThreeGlasses · 14/11/2018 19:10

Bertram, yes, thrive off the back off someone’s else’s labour. As do the men who thrive off not having to do the wife work/shitwork as someone else is doing it for them.

In that situation I’d rather be the one holding the power.

BertramKibbler · 14/11/2018 19:10

I would hate to not be raising my family in what I consider to be the best way for us because I was scared my husband would do the dirty on us! Within my marriage the risk seems small and so it seems stupid to sacrifice everything I Love, just in case

ThreeGlasses · 14/11/2018 19:10

Interesting point dowager. No idea on the answer

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
ThreeGlasses · 14/11/2018 19:11

But how is it making a difference to your kids if you’re at home whilst they are at school?

BertramKibbler · 14/11/2018 19:13

They’re not all in school right now but when they are, the line of work that I’m qualified in doesn’t have many 9.30-3 jobs. Me being at home means they’ve someone around right after school, whenever they are poorly and during the holidays..

rededucator · 14/11/2018 19:14

What does a SAHM do if their child is at school all day? Particularly secondary school where they can presumably travel to and from independently?

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 14/11/2018 19:18

'Are these issues more prevalent in women, or do men just have to suck it up, and go out to work anyway?'

Or is it just anecdotal and there's not really a difference in prevalence? I know one woman who works from home attempting to keep the family going because she had to quit her job due to her husband's mental health issues.
As for physical things, two women I know with chronic long term conditions both have illnesses that were worsened by pregnancy, so if it is more prevalent in women that might be a factor.

TheBigBangRocks · 14/11/2018 19:18

Are these issues more prevalent in women, or do men just have to suck it up, and go out to work anyway

I think men are expected to suck it up. They are expected to trot off to work regardless and can't be ill, fancy not working, just do a few odd hours and don't have the option of missing their children.

The divide is very clear. A man not working is considered lazy and a leach whereas so many don't think it applies when it's a woman doing the same.

Mrsfrumble · 14/11/2018 19:23

Are these issues more prevalent in women, or do men just have to suck it up, and go out to work anyway

I think are plenty of men out there who don’t work because of physical and mental illness Confused

Perhaps they’re not posting about it on mumsnet because it’s a forum used mostly by women / mothers.

YesMrsLevinson · 14/11/2018 19:31

I feel very judged. My stbxp said ihave sat on my arse for 8 years( even though his gf is also a SAHM with kids the same age) since our youngest started school. It hasn't been easy as I even get rejected online for shelf stacking at Tesco. I have recently been offered a part time job in a school. It has really affected my confidence.

ThreeGlasses · 14/11/2018 19:32

Women are much more likely to be diagnosed with MH issues, suggesting either women are more susceptible or men don’t seek a diagnosis. Given the sky high rates of male suicide I’d suggest the latter.

ThreeGlasses · 14/11/2018 19:33

@yesmrslevinson, good luck with the new job. Also, your ex is a dick

Lottie2017 · 14/11/2018 19:34

This is a really interesting discussion. I work part time and have been judged several times by full time working friends. I have one child at home and one at school- have been asked several times what I do on my 'days off' and will I go back full time soon (though my youngest is only 2) Even before children, one friend asked me if I get bored during the holidays and have I considered a second job (I work as a teacher) I have always found such comments really odd, as I feel it is being implied I am lazy. I don't know if it's because they genuinely love their jobs and can't imagine being at home or is it because they would like time at home too?
I really admire stay at home mums, as I see how tough it has been for several of my friends. I actually would love to be at home with mine all the time (my mum never was at home with me) but I am very unhappy in my job, which is a big part of it.

MarshaBradyo · 14/11/2018 19:39

A sahm to school age dc is around more than full time wohm

For me the difference when I work is 3 to 4 hours a day and whole days in the holidays

I have done both and enjoyed both, had a great nanny which meant it was possible, plus dont do guilt whichever I do, nor bother what others may think but a sahm to school aged children is around more (obviously)

Also agree with pp that unemployed is not the right term. I don’t know why using the term sahm is an issue. Ok when the children are really old maybe not.

MarshaBradyo · 14/11/2018 19:41

I wonder if people feel more judged when it feels like the wrong choice. So if you’re unhappy at work or at home it’s another thing that bugs you.

Bumpitybumper · 14/11/2018 19:41

@TheBigBangRocks
*I think men are expected to suck it up. They are expected to trot off to work regardless and can't be ill, fancy not working, just do a few odd hours and don't have the option of missing their children.

The divide is very clear. A man not working is considered lazy and a leach whereas so many don't think it applies when it's a woman doing the same*

No, I think what happens in most cases is that men often don't want to make career sacrifices once children come along. The woman is then often left with a decision as to whether she is going to pursue her career in the same manner as she did pre-kids or be the one that makes the sacrifices. The current thread on this forum about the 1 and 3 year old toddlees in childcare from 8am -5/6pm highlighted the reality of what life is like for both adults and kids when both parents work FT. Many parents will be ok with this, but many will be uncomfortable and ultimately decide that sustaining two high flying careers isn't sustainable. The woman's career is often the one to be sacrificed for lots of reasons including them often being the lower earners due to marrying older men with more established careers. When the children are young and in the midst of nappies and tantrums it is perhaps understandable that men aren't desperate to adopt this role and I think pretending otherwise is really disingenuous. Once the kids get older then of course the role becomes more attractive but by then men are established in the breadwinner role and it is hard for the woman to rebuild her career to the point where she can match his earning potential.

Also I think when men give up work for health reasons they are much more likely to say that they are too ill to work rather than suggest they have become a SAHD. This is my observation based on family and friends. Sadly in the majority of these cases the woman not only acts as the breadwinner but also seems to do the majority of childcare and domestic chores Hmm

I don't think it's a case of double standards as I think lots of people judge SAHPs to be lazy and leaches irrespective of their sex.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 14/11/2018 19:43

What does a SAHM do if their child is at school all day?

Why do you ask? What do you do all day?

FeckingEjit · 14/11/2018 19:45

I'm a SAHM and find people aren't really bothered. I have been asked if I will be returning to work and I have answered truthfully - I would love too but not until DC are in primary school and even then I won't be in a rush. I dream of going for a coffee without children and sitting in a quiet eerie home which stays clean for more than 7 minutes! 😂 We are not well off by any means and money is tight but I would personally rather have them first 5 years (which really is not much in the grand scheme of things) to bond and spend time with DC and make memories and help shape their personalities than go to work and miss out.

I find you will only feel judged by your decision if you aren't fully accepting of it yourself. If people's comments are hitting a nerve then I think it's your own insecurities not their opinions which you need to work on.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2018 19:47

It’s pretty foolish to have children with a man you don’t feel you can rely on the put clothes on your back. What if youbecame incapacitated

I assume you think the same about men shouldn't get involved with a woman who he couldn't rely on to put clothes on his back?

I'm struggling with your argument, I assume your saying you think both parties should work? I can't imagine you're actually suggesting that it only applies to men? That us tiny brained little women should never ever even be expected to be relied on to provide? You meant to write your phrase like this didn't you

"It’s pretty foolish to have children with a man/woman you don’t feel you can rely on the put clothes on your back. What if youbecame incapacitated

ThreeGlasses · 14/11/2018 19:50

“I find you will only feel judged by your decision if you aren't fully accepting of it yourself. If people's comments are hitting a nerve then I think it's your own insecurities not their opinions which you need to work on.“

Bang on the money here!

ThreeGlasses · 14/11/2018 19:53

I think everyone can agree there is a huge difference between staying home for a few years and staying home as a long term strategy, whatever you want to call it.

People get divorced, they die, situations change. Leaving yourself in a vulnerable position financially is not a good idea.

rededucator · 14/11/2018 19:53

Claire, I teach. Why'd you ask?

itshappened · 14/11/2018 19:53

I had a day off work and took my 10 month old to a play group with lots of babies and mums a few months ago... when I explained I had returned to full time work when my child was 8 months old, I was on the receiving end of so many judgemental comments... 'I could never leave my child when they are so little', ' don't you feel you're missing out' ' oh your child would love this but we won't be able to invite you to x group as you will be working' etc. No one stopped to consider how returning to work was going or how I felt about missing out on so many things. I felt judged and excluded from the mummy club for working. As it happens I had to go back for financial reasons (husband made redundant) and career requirements (13 years of hard work and wanting to continue to progress); but I still had so many issues of my employer messing me around and basically assuming my career was over when I did go back. In my opinion you can't win if you go back to working and you can't win if you're a SAHM. You just do your best for your family and whatever that looks like, you should feel proud of who you are and the mum that you are.

ThreeGlasses · 14/11/2018 19:58

@itshappened, that’s really shit. Sorry they made you feel bad. I did stay home when mine were small, but I can’t say I ever judged working mothers or those staying home with small kids.

I struggle to understand why they do when their kids are older. I don’t think “being there when they are poorly” is a good reason, how often are your kids sick? I’ve only used two carers days this year. Holidays...well annual leave takes care of some of it, their fathers annual leave takes care of some more.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 14/11/2018 19:59

rededucator - I want you to tell me what you do all day. You've asked SAHMs to account for their day (why?), I'm asking you to do the same.

Threeglasses - you don't seem at peace with your choices, if you were you wouldn't have such venom towards those who've made different choices. And don't kid yourself you have power.