If you're a long term SAHM, do you feel judged?

[pretzelflipzaretheanswer]

Hi,

Just that really.

I think it's accepted when your dc are pre school age that you take some time out, but once they're at primary... secondary and have decided to continue to SAH, do you feel judged and/or embarrassed? Because I do.

My dd is 11 and bar a bit of child minding, I've been a SAHM the whole time. My dd has additional needs and I have recurring depression and anxiety, both factors to me not working. I am also fully aware that I am able to do this, as my DP earns a very good salary and so I appreciate I'm lucky in that respect.

Does anyone else dread though, that inevitable question at, for example, your dp's Christmas party or generally when meeting new people - "so.. what do you do?". I hate it. Absolutely hate it! You either get "ohhhh" awkward expression and pause "hardest job in the world though, right?" Or a nod and no comment at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't really blame them. I mean, what do you say to that, really? But I have had the "but what do you do with your day?!" "Aren't you bored?" questions. Well, yes. Sometimes I am, but if someone told me they were an accountant, something which would bore me to tears, would I be so rude, as to ask "but aren't you bored?" I'm not having a go at accountants btw I did actually used to work in accounts, I'm just using this for comparison.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just thought I'd ask how others in the same position felt. I've had quite a few awkward moments like this recently and it makes me feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Thanks for reading.

Well, even people who work ft squeeze n a bit of telly in the evenings

Many Mums on this thread have said they stay at home as their children have SEN.
What do women do when they have children who have SEN but they can't afford to give up work?
What happens to their children?

I ask as I cannot afford to not go to work,and I have to work full time.

Some working women feel guilty. I don't,as I don't have a choice. Thankfully I enjoy my job.

'There’s a very odd dichotomy between “impossible to live on one salary” and “have to live on one salary because the cost of childcare exceeds the amount the SAHM would earn”.'

Not odd at all. It's because people have differing earning potential and different jobs require different levels of commitment.

One family will have two people neither of whom is in a position to earn much more than minimum wage, but in jobs where you aren't expected to travel or work through weekends with no notice. In another family there will be a member who can earn enough for both but only if they are available without fail for late nights and two week trips abroad. Family #1 doesn't have the choice for either person to quit but can cope via relay parenting. Family #2 needs the non earning person to be available for all the childcare because the high earner will only keep their job if they are super flexible.

Well sarahbeeney my sister has 3 dc with SN and is divorced from a useless non working oh, what she does is, after surviving pitifully on benefits for many years she cleans part time whilst the kids are at school.

The stats say that the poorest 20% of families are likely to have a family member who needs additional care - so in fact, mostly they do get driven out of the workplace and live in penury.

My dc are secondary school age. I work but I dream of being a SAHM. No judging from me- I’m just jealous.

@SarahBeeney some children who have SEN can use mainstream childcare and don't have many appointments. I know a couple of mums who have children who have SEN and work. One juggles hours with her partner so one of them is at home when the child isn't at school. The other has a very flexible employer and a mum who helps a lot with childcare. The alternative is specialist SEN childcare which has limited availability and is considerably more expensive than mainstream childcare.

My 2 oldest boys have autism. I'm a single mum so I have to work though I can afford to be part time as my job pays quite well. My oldest can take care of himself at home (he's 19) but isn't capable of the wider aspects of independent living yet - sorting bills, planning shopping, arranging home repairs etc. My 7 year old copes in regular childcare because it's not every day but he would struggle with me working full time which is a factor in me not doing. I imagine it's even more difficult for people who don't have this option.