If you're a long term SAHM, do you feel judged?

[pretzelflipzaretheanswer]

Hi,

Just that really.

I think it's accepted when your dc are pre school age that you take some time out, but once they're at primary... secondary and have decided to continue to SAH, do you feel judged and/or embarrassed? Because I do.

My dd is 11 and bar a bit of child minding, I've been a SAHM the whole time. My dd has additional needs and I have recurring depression and anxiety, both factors to me not working. I am also fully aware that I am able to do this, as my DP earns a very good salary and so I appreciate I'm lucky in that respect.

Does anyone else dread though, that inevitable question at, for example, your dp's Christmas party or generally when meeting new people - "so.. what do you do?". I hate it. Absolutely hate it! You either get "ohhhh" awkward expression and pause "hardest job in the world though, right?" Or a nod and no comment at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't really blame them. I mean, what do you say to that, really? But I have had the "but what do you do with your day?!" "Aren't you bored?" questions. Well, yes. Sometimes I am, but if someone told me they were an accountant, something which would bore me to tears, would I be so rude, as to ask "but aren't you bored?" I'm not having a go at accountants btw I did actually used to work in accounts, I'm just using this for comparison.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just thought I'd ask how others in the same position felt. I've had quite a few awkward moments like this recently and it makes me feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Thanks for reading.

@Bluntness100 If my husband couldn’t work then I would, my post wasn’t about who works when it was about knowing that if the shot hits the fan your spouse will do everything in their power to keep things wrote.

Don’t presume to know what I meant to write. Nasty misogynist!

I was a SAHM for about 20 years. XH worked away 6+ months of the year. DD1 has severe allergies and for the first few years of her life, we were learning what she is allergic to. Later, she developed severe bladder problems and was hospitalised often for UTIs (allergies to antibiotics). However, during this time I was also a church organist, and because I was available to play for funerals, so I have played for literally thousands.

XH and I parted company and I went back to work. It can be tough going and I don't have much money, but I do enjoy it. It would be nice, though, to be able to retire early...

Don’t presume to know what I meant to write. Nasty misogynist!

Did you just call me a nasty mysogynist because I asked you what you meant and gave you two options? Seriously?

How does my saying I assumed you meant men or women should support make me a nasty mysogynist?

Sometimes I find myself interacting with someone on here and wonder why the hell I am, becayse I know I wouldn't in real life.

I certainly wouldn’t interact with somebody like you. You tried to correct what I was writing because it didn’t fit your ideas. I suppose you think all stay at home mums are stupid? Shame on you, seriously. What a nasty and pathetic post.

And just to add I desperately didn't want to go back, but after having to go back, I have actually enjoyed using my brain and having some semblance of my old personality back. I adore my daughter but I do feel it's important to have something else in my life to think about too. Certainly my husband appreciated the conversation moving on from sleep routines and nappies. In fact I think it saved our marriage! But I think the question is not about being a sahm whilst children are in school, but what happens once they leave home completely? What do you do then? And I don't mean that to point fingers, but it's a genuine concern of mine about how do you fill the void of them leaving before you hit retirement age and grandchildren come along? I worry it could be very lonely.

You’d be amazed at how many places want volunteers its happened! I’m already heavily involved in my parish and our school. They’re crying out for help

Yes. By my family. Very competitive sister who is quite sniffy in general around me but has found an extra big stick in me being SAHM.
Dd2 is 11. Dd1 25.
I have worked but stayed home after no.2. At 51 I think any career prospects have probably tanked anyway and can't be fucked starting all over again like I did with dd1.
Run out of steam a bit.
I do stuff and make myself useful but in general think I am a sad sack of shit and it may well be the opinion of everyone I encounter.
Hey ho

I was a stay at home single mum for 5 years - I felt judged constantly. I think some of it is the guilt working mums feel being taken out on the SAHM.
I'm now married and work 8-4 term time plus non pupil days etc. I feel guilty - for example DD is 6 in December and coincidentally there's a lovely Santa Train experience (not really a trip as the village school is right next to the station and it's just an hours round trip) but I can't go so DM is.
It's difficult whatever you do really, even if you have none and focus on your career you're judged! What can a woman do?!
Why do you ask, OP?

I don’t think asking what SAHP of school/secondary school age children do during the day is really an unreasonable question as long as it’s not phrased rudely or aggressively? It’s something I have wondered to myself, but it’s not a question I’d generally ask in real life in case I offended someone. Obviously there is general house maintenance, but lots of working couples manage to fit that in without relying on extra help?

Sorry, obvious why you ask - I didn't read the post properly.

“I find you will only feel judged by your decision if you aren't fully accepting of it yourself. If people's comments are hitting a nerve then I think it's your own insecurities not their opinions which you need to work on.“
I agree
In my experience most people don't care enough either way to judge. People do what suits them and their family.

Though in my experience people only would start to be irritated if someone was making out their choice is somehow more difficult, more demanding, better than anyone else's choice. (You know the types ohhh yes, well DC are 13 and 10 and I'm sooo exhausted. Honestly, it's harder than working but I guess that's the sacrifice you make to save precious family time #smugface or Gosh I have no idea why anyone would want to stay at home. I couldn't think if anything worse than talking ceebeebies and pregnancy tales. I would be so bored because im so smart #smugface)

Claire if you google the job description of a primary teacher this might help you. I'm surprised you haven't heard of the profession. Then in the way home I do the shopping and run errands. When I get home around 6.30 I walk the dog. Then I do the cleaning, laundry, cooking, washing up and make the lunches for the next day. Anyways, back to my original question; what do SAHM do during the day? Presumably they do those household chores during the day to free up their evenings to have quality family time?

SAHMs around here are rare, no other mum I've met at school doesn't work. Like others, I'd wonder why they didn't bother i.e. Lack of ambition, drive, laziness etc. Just seems very selfish to rely on another person or welfare to fund that choice.

Lazy and selfish to dedicate your time to the little individuals you decided to bring to this planet? Giving full-time guidance and looking after them the whole time, rather than farming them out to strangers to look after? Yeah, ok.

Smacks of jealousy, I'm afraid.

I wouldn’t judge you at all as you have clearly said you have some health issues. I would however judge an able bodied adult with, for example, one school going child. I don’t believe they have much excuse not to be in the workforce.

I think you should own it OP, don't feel you need to apologise .

Say , I'm lucky enough not to have to work outside the home.

If I was the one asking I would find that less awkward than an apologetic ..I'm a sahm with lots of reasons to qualify it.

They don't really care if you are or aren't working , just convey that you are happy with what you do..end of.

Anyways, back to my original question; what do SAHM do during the day? Presumably they do those household chores during the day to free up their evenings to have quality family time?

Ok, I'll bite. Yes, I spend my day getting household chores done, the gardening and any DIY/maintenance type jobs done too. Yes, that does mean that evenings and weekends are freed up for fun stuff. It's a great situation to be in.

I also volunteer, go to the gym, read, visit friends and relatives, keep abreast of news and current affairs, and I'm also learning Spanish. Sometimes I'll watch tv, occasionally I'll have a nap. I'm such a lazy bitch.

I know, I know. You do all of the above and ALSO work. Well done.

I am pretty open minded. I just think a lot of people who judge do it because they are jealous and actually know very little about the actual circumstances.

I would however judge an able bodied adult with, for example, one school going child. I don’t believe they have much excuse not to be in the workforce

Who can muster up so much judgement towards another family set up? Presumably it suits them, for a myriad of unknown reasons, and doesn’t impinge on anyone else? Why does anyone need to excuse their choices?

An excuse to stay out o the workorce...Those feckless, workshy fops and dandies avoiding proper work like all the other grown ups keeping the world turning.
Oh give over.

I have actually enjoyed using my brain and having some semblance of my old personality back

I don't need to be an office (or any other place of work) to use my brain and I've never felt I lost my personality.

what happens once they leave home completely? What do you do then? And I don't mean that to point fingers, but it's a genuine concern of mine about how do you fill the void of them leaving before you hit retirement age and grandchildren come along? I worry it could be very lonely.

Really? You worry about people who you don't know. What would you do if, for some reason you couldn't work - don't you have any interests or inner resources?

@ClairefromMergersAcquisitions, there’s no venom here, sorry you see it that way. We all have different life experiences which teach us different things. My experience has lead me to my opinion, yours to yours.

I’m very happy with my life choices. Despite what you say, I have all the power, everything I own I worked for, every holiday, every bill, every bit of food in my mouth was earnt by me. You might not see that as power. I do

rededucator - I don't need to google job description of a primary school teacher - I used to be one You can't be bothered to list all the things you do all day, so why should SAHMs list out their days for you? Surely you can use your imagination. What would you do if, for some reason, you couldn't work?

So I originally said "generally no one cares" but it seems people do. It is interesting reading the comments about how much their 'career' is so important to them and their job is something they feel really defines who they are. But when I do chat to other people the ones that have these 'oh so important to them' jobs they don't seem proud enough to actually talk about them. Conversations about 'what do you do' usually seems to be "mumble mumble... work for a charity/in admin/in media... mumble mumble". If your 'career' really is such an important part of your life why aren't you proud about it? I am a sahm /homemaker/whatever you want to call it but even though I don't have a job I have a fairly specialist hobby and have just been involved in two events that I am very proud of doing. My friends who know me will ask and be interested in hearing about it. I would actually be quite interested in hearing about what some peoples work life is actually all about (in a small talk at an event type situation). Some people's jobs do sound (from the job title) really interesting - but they never seem to want to talk about it. Why?

Claire, you seem to be taking offense at quite a simple question and seem unwilling to answer so perhaps ignore it? So basically SAHMs do what working mums do after work but they do it during the day instead?

I can think of 2 sahp at my dcs’ school who volunteer at the school weekly, I’m grateful to them, I am earning money whilst they are putting extra time in with my children. They could just sit at home having a nice cup of tea or going to the gym (as I would) but they don’t.