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Original poster

If you're a long term SAHM, do you feel judged?

283 replies

pretzelflipzaretheanswer · 14/11/2018 13:09

Hi,

Just that really.

I think it's accepted when your dc are pre school age that you take some time out, but once they're at primary... secondary and have decided to continue to SAH, do you feel judged and/or embarrassed? Because I do.

My dd is 11 and bar a bit of child minding, I've been a SAHM the whole time. My dd has additional needs and I have recurring depression and anxiety, both factors to me not working. I am also fully aware that I am able to do this, as my DP earns a very good salary and so I appreciate I'm lucky in that respect.

Does anyone else dread though, that inevitable question at, for example, your dp's Christmas party or generally when meeting new people - "so.. what do you do?". I hate it. Absolutely hate it! You either get "ohhhh" awkward expression and pause "hardest job in the world though, right?" Or a nod and no comment at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't really blame them. I mean, what do you say to that, really? But I have had the "but what do you do with your day?!" "Aren't you bored?" questions. Well, yes. Sometimes I am, but if someone told me they were an accountant, something which would bore me to tears, would I be so rude, as to ask "but aren't you bored?" I'm not having a go at accountants btw Grin I did actually used to work in accounts, I'm just using this for comparison.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just thought I'd ask how others in the same position felt. I've had quite a few awkward moments like this recently and it makes me feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Escolar · 14/11/2018 14:45

I think Jupiter makes a really valid point actually. Sometimes we automatically judge things because it’s deeply socially ingrained in us to do so, rather than because we rationally / intellectually disagree with the thing we’re judging.

juneau · 14/11/2018 14:50

I did feel judged when I was 'just' a SAHM. Now that I'm a studying for a second degree (while also being a SAHM), I no longer feel judged - in fact people seem strangely delighted for me! I was bored though and it sounds like you're not.

candlefloozy · 14/11/2018 14:51

I always ask what do you do to see if there's any common ground between me and new people. If people say I'm a sahm then I just have to find something else to find in common I guess.

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NancyDonahue · 14/11/2018 14:52

I can't be arsed to judge.

Having one parent at home to deal with sick days, assemblies, school trips etc, IF both parents are happy with the situation and finances are good, sounds bloody sensible to me.

Jellyonawonkyplate · 14/11/2018 14:52

jupiter I actually understand what you're saying. SAHM here and I do feel judged a lot of the time, people like to put you into a nice little box, not very bright, not ambitious etc. I couldn't care less though as it's my belief that to around for the DC when they're.little and giving them that security is the best thing I can do for them.

I am aware that's my personal way of doing things and my own beliefs but I find I do judge those who go back to work and don't really have to financially, putting the DC in nursery etc.

Ultimately, as posters have said above, it's up to the individual family and I know what's best for mine.

MaMisled · 14/11/2018 14:52

I was fortunate enough to be a sahm from 1994 to 2015 (raising my 3DC then 3 SDC.) Attitudes changed remarkably during that time. Until around 2008 I was made to feel like an earth mother. I felt quite pious and was envied openly. Then suddenly the tide changed and I felt frowned upon, lazy and dull.

Bumpitybumper · 14/11/2018 14:53

@JupiterDrops
I'm a SAHM, but I love your honesty and actually agree with what you've written. I think that society stigmatises the SAHP role and many of us internalised the message growing up that SAHPs are inferior, lazy, unambitious and let feminists down. I now obviously don't think the same but I think acknowledging that the stigma and negative connotations exist is the first step in combatting the stereotypes.

Bumpitybumper · 14/11/2018 14:57

Would also like to add that when I've declared I'm a SAHM on Mumsnet it has been inferred that I must have had a poorly paid career (untrue), that I was keen to not work so chose to be a SAHM as it was an easy route out of employment (untrue) and that I couldn't be a radical feminist because I wasn't out fighting the good fight in the workplace. I have also been told that WOH is indisputably harder than being a SAHM and that I should be doing all housework, chores and childcare because of this.

sleepwhenidie · 14/11/2018 15:10

Women get judged by some part of society regardless, so you may as well stick to the path best for you / your family

This ...and this...

Having one parent at home to deal with sick days, assemblies, school trips etc, IF both parents are happy with the situation and finances are good, sounds bloody sensible to me.

I have been SAHM since DC1 (now 13 was born). Prior to that I was professionally qualified and earning a 6 figure salary. Now we have 3 DC's in 3 different schools, DH works long hours and travels a lot but has all school holidays off. I have done some part time work in the last few years and I could go and find a job (and I would if I was dying of boredom) but life would be a lot less fun for everyone in our family.

I'm with the poster who said 'judge away', who cares. As long as you and DH are happy with the situation that's all that matters.

Thesuzle · 14/11/2018 15:11

I once told a snobby cow i was a VPO in a small growing company, chose my own hours etc etc
VPO -vegetable preparation officer
Then I was CVPO Yes you guessed it. Chief VPO

DoingItSolo1 · 14/11/2018 15:15

@Thesuzle
I love that answer 👍🤘👍

Mummyshark2018 · 14/11/2018 15:15

If you can afford to then fair enough. Personally I like the challenge of work and the boost it gives my self-esteem. My work is a huge part of my identity.

A SAHM to me is someone who looks after their children during the day (like pre-school age). You have 1 child (as do I) who I assume goes to school (as does mine). I work school hours so do drop and pick up every day (lucky I know!). I don't see why the SAHM label fits you more than it fits me as you don't see your child any more than I see mine? What do you do all day? You pack your child off to School like the rest of us then tidy/ cook/clean??? Maybe homemaker would be a better label/term ?? Just curious around the terminology and how it's used. Same as full time mum- I am a full time mum even though I work.

Popskipiekin · 14/11/2018 15:17

I’m not a SAHM but I wanted to say that my mother was, for most of the time I and my younger brother were at school, and we loved loved loved it Grin Star Her constant presence was wonderful. When I was imagining being all grown up, I did think I’d stay at home too but things haven’t quite worked out like that. Anyway, I wanted to say that it’s really a wonderful gift you are giving your DC (whether or not circumstances have forced your hand).

The only thing my DM and DF regret is that DM did get quite lonely once Dbro was at university, and even though she’s always done volunteering and stepped it up much more then too, somehow she struggled to find her place without us there. I think in hindsight she might have tried to do a bit more away from her DC, just to give her interests outside her family. I appreciate this is impossible for parents with SEN DC.

sleepwhenidie · 14/11/2018 15:21

Popsi I like your post about your DM. My DM worked full time from when I was very young and I remember yearning for her to be home more, so I am really happy that I can be there in that way for my DC's. Interestingly my younger DSis took a very different experience away, isn't conscious of wanting DM there more and is much more someone who needs to work, regardless of family finances.

sleepwhenidie · 14/11/2018 15:23

Mummyshark can I ask what job you have that fits within school hours? You are right, you are lucky Smile

scaryteacher · 14/11/2018 15:23

Have been a SAHM since 2006 when we moved abroad for dh's job. Ds is now 23. I've done some GCSE marking and team leading for an exam board, but only voluntary stuff apaprt from that. I do keep tabs on the Letting Agent and our house in the UK, so I could say I'm in property, but I am don't work, and I quite enjoy it.

sleepwhenidie · 14/11/2018 15:24

But I don't see why 'homemaker' isn't the same in terms of appropriate nomenclature as SAHM or full time mum! Don't you do the same 'homemaking' stuff too?

BertramKibbler · 14/11/2018 15:25

I’ve no issue being called a homemaker

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2018 15:32

Could you feel judged becayse you use the term stay at home mum? I think many people see that as someone at home with young kids, maybe not so much someone with one kid at secondary. So maybe they aren't judging, more confused by what you classify yourself as?

It's totally fine to say I don't work.

I get technically you are a mum and you stay at home, but most of the time you are not at home caring for your kid, which is what the term implies to many people.

I do wonder what age the child has to be before people stop being a stay at home mum? 16, when they leave home? Do you then say something else, like I don't work, or I'm a housewife?

It's outwith my realm of experience, becayse the women I know, just say they don't work.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 14/11/2018 15:33

I became a SAHM involuntarily when I was made redundant at a time that also coincided with my DD (who has SN) becoming very difficult to manage and a school refuser. That has improved, but in the meantime DH's job has changed and he's away from home Monday to Thursday, so it would be tricky for me to return.

I may work again next year as DH is planning on taking early retirement then and he would drive me round the bend can sort out DC after that.

In the meantime, I genuinely don't notice or care if I'm being judged.

Mummyshark2018 · 14/11/2018 15:35

My job is too outing as it's a specialist role but I work within the education sector (not a teacher). I have several colleagues in similar roles who work school hours only (by choice for example working 4 days over 5). I appreciate how lucky we are all.

I agree I don't like labels and think that it puts people into boxes. I'm merely making the point that one isn't more or less of a mother dependent on whether they work or not and what makes a SAHM- the amount of time you spend with your child? I spend as much time with my child than OP but I'm not a SAHM. I am a mother who happens to work. OP is a mother who doesn't work. That's fine and there's no judgment there but OP is no more a SAHM than I am......

yakari · 14/11/2018 15:41

I think there are two very different situations here

  1. small talk like a PP said - SAHP triggers 'shit what do I talk about' in the same way as Data Processor or Actuary does for others. So dive in with something else, 'I walk rescue dogs in a shelter' - it's obviously not a full time job but gives people a hook. 5 minutes passes and the conversation moves on.
  2. genuine judging amongst closer acquaintances and family - fuck them. Seriously if it works for you then great, but - and IMO it's a big but - only if it works for you. If you're unfulfilled or your DP is stressed/working all the hours, you're over invested in your kids or you're financially in a bad place, or a bad relationship then yes maybe people judge - but it's more likely they are worried for you, your DP or your family. This is a much bigger issue and no two stories are the same but again IMO you have to keep being honest with yourself and your family about what works for you. I've done FT, PT, volunteer, SAHP and just time off from everything- all I know is it changes, sometimes it works well and sometimes it works less well - the main thing is to celebrate when it's working and change it when's it's not
Needallthesleep · 14/11/2018 15:51

But I get judged for going back to work full time after nine months off. I'm avoiding certain 'friends' at the moment who have commented ('can't you afford to be part time/stay at home?').

As a parent everything you do gets judged. And I'll admit I get a bit judgy sometimes as well.

LavenderBush · 14/11/2018 15:52

I can totally see where Jupiter is coming from - I was raised with those attitudes as well.

Now I've been a SAHM for 14 years and find I actually work bloody hard.

Not sure whether I've ever been 'judged' for it or not, and to be fair I wouldn't care if they did. DH's job is a notoriously long-hours-high-pay one, which does a lot of the explaining for me and means that people seem to regard my lifestyle with a mixture of envy and pity (much as I do myself!).

EssexGurl · 14/11/2018 15:58

Yep, especially when a mum at my kids school got a bit drunk at a Christmas do. She's a TA at the school and chose they night to have a go at me about something my eldest had done. When I tried to explain it wasn't even my child she was moaning about, her response was " well you know nothing, you don't even work".

Yes I complained to school about her. Nothing got done. I genuiNelly get panic attacks when I see her. Thank god I've not had to deal with her personally since.