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Original poster

If you're a long term SAHM, do you feel judged?

283 replies

pretzelflipzaretheanswer · 14/11/2018 13:09

Hi,

Just that really.

I think it's accepted when your dc are pre school age that you take some time out, but once they're at primary... secondary and have decided to continue to SAH, do you feel judged and/or embarrassed? Because I do.

My dd is 11 and bar a bit of child minding, I've been a SAHM the whole time. My dd has additional needs and I have recurring depression and anxiety, both factors to me not working. I am also fully aware that I am able to do this, as my DP earns a very good salary and so I appreciate I'm lucky in that respect.

Does anyone else dread though, that inevitable question at, for example, your dp's Christmas party or generally when meeting new people - "so.. what do you do?". I hate it. Absolutely hate it! You either get "ohhhh" awkward expression and pause "hardest job in the world though, right?" Or a nod and no comment at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't really blame them. I mean, what do you say to that, really? But I have had the "but what do you do with your day?!" "Aren't you bored?" questions. Well, yes. Sometimes I am, but if someone told me they were an accountant, something which would bore me to tears, would I be so rude, as to ask "but aren't you bored?" I'm not having a go at accountants btw Grin I did actually used to work in accounts, I'm just using this for comparison.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just thought I'd ask how others in the same position felt. I've had quite a few awkward moments like this recently and it makes me feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
9ofpentangles · 15/11/2018 12:11

See, this is the other notion I struggle with. You are living off your DH! Of course you aren't! Your kids are! Your staying at home is an agreement based on your financial circumstances and, if you hadn't had children, you would still be working and so are quite capable of providing for yourself if you don't have to factor dependents into the equation.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 15/11/2018 12:12

Lewismam, that's awful, how do you not kill them?

9ofpentangles · 15/11/2018 12:16

watchingfromthesidelines. Where are the men in this? The question we should be asking is not why women aren't insuring themselves against the possibility of a irresponsible father but why the men aren't being held accountable. If the agreement is that they earn the bulk while the children are young then they have to carry on fulfilling that regardless of the state of the marriage.

The whole underlying message is that, basically, women are vulnerable and men cannot be relied upon. I don't actually think that is fair or true to most men either. It is sexist both ways

Interested in this thread?

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Families
WatchingFromTheSidelines · 15/11/2018 12:21

Nope I have no underlying message 9ofpentangles.

My message is, for the third time, that any capable person should be able to provide for themselves and be employable if needs be. That's it. I'm not sure why you have such an issue with that? It doesn't seem particularly provocative to me.

Luxembourgmama · 15/11/2018 12:25

People who ask what do you do as a first question are inevitably crashing bores themselves so I wouldn't be too bothered what they think of you.

9ofpentangles · 15/11/2018 12:26

Oh. One of those. It is not just you. It is a general point. A family is a unit. The parents are dependent on one another in different ways. No role is superior or inferior.

Many of us provided for ourselves as individuals pre children. The decision taken for one party to take a back seat if it works better at the time is usually a joint one and based on the current circumstances. It gradually gets tweaked over the years or suddemly if one partner dies or leaves. If the leaving partner is alive and the remaining one earns less, it is down to him to pay maintenance for his children which are still his even if the marriage fails

LewisMam · 15/11/2018 12:35

Lewismam, that's awful, how do you not kill them?
I just ignore. It makes me feel awful though. They crack jokes about me being a “lady who lunches”. When FIL had a hospital appointment I was delegated to drive him because I “have nothing else to do”. When the weather was fine they said how lovely it must be to be able to sit out in the garden all day and not have a job to go to. Or they’ll talk about their work and titter when they ask me how playgroup was this week. It just mirrors the disrespect of society at large, and the misunderstanding that all SAHM must have chosen that route and don’t want to work.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 15/11/2018 12:46

I think I am lucky because I wanted to take DD to school and pick her up all through primary and secondary school (we live rurally with no school buses) and spend 13 weeks holiday with her. I know a lot of people - mums and dads - would be bored by that but we are all different and I respect their choices. I don't see why some struggle to respect mine.

DD is 14 so will probably be off to university in a few years. I will miss her but just as she will move onto a different stage of her life, I will move on with mine. I might return to work, I might expand my voluntary work. As long as I've got horses, dogs and books I'll not be bored or lonely.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2018 12:49

If the leaving partner is alive and the remaining one earns less, it is down to him to pay maintenance for his children which are still his even if the marriage fails

Absolutely, but remember child maintenance and spousal maintenance are two very different things. One should not assume that the child maintenance will pay to support the adult as well, courts expect both parties to work now, but even if the child maintenance is enough for the other spouse to live off of also, it does stop when the child hits adult hood.

HoustonBess · 15/11/2018 12:54

I don't judge people who stay at home. Maybe finding a hobby or something that gives you more of an identity outside the home would help?

I do find it a bit strange when people describe themselves as SAHM when the children are school age, especially older school age. I think by that time you're a housewife with children, to be honest! Nothing wrong with being a housewife but you're not parenting all day in an empty house.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 15/11/2018 13:24

I think by that time you're a housewife with children, to be honest! Nothing wrong with being a housewife but you're not parenting all day in an empty house

Oh God - I give up Grin

mbosnz · 15/11/2018 13:34

I'm not a house wife. I'm not married to a house. I am a stay at home parent, because one of the key reasons I stay at home is parenting. They may not be at home all day, but I am here when they get home, to make sure they eat something halfway nutritious, do their homework, get their tea, listen to their woes and victories from the day. I'm also here to take them to any extra-curriculars they may have, I'm here for when they are on holidays, I'm here for when they're off sick.

So I'm being quite honest, as far as I am concerned, in how I define what I do, and why.

MarshaBradyo · 15/11/2018 13:39

It sounds like people really want to do away with the extra time a sahm brings by insisting that housewife is used

It’s such an out of date word, why insist on it

DrCoconut · 15/11/2018 13:42

We've now had the "farming them out to strangers" comment. I call SAHM vs working mum bingo. I've seen the venom on threads about benefits. So, should I "farm my kids out to strangers" or stay at home and claim benefits? (Note, I'm not saying all SAHM claim benefits, just that in my case as a lone parent I would have to). It seems that I will be judged whatever I do.

Veganfortheanimals · 15/11/2018 13:43

Not worked in 20 yrs...2 with SEN .both out of school for many years.so didn't have a choice.there were short inderludes in time where I could of held a job down for possibly a few months ,but then things got difficult and I would if had to of given it up ...I've got a degree ,and I do feel sad I've not used it...I do worry if dh and I were to split up I would be in a difficult position...he assures me I would but in a good finically position..we are married and I'm on the mortgage...but anyway it us what is ,the way things are currently I expect it will be at least 10 years before I could get a job...it's just the way the cookie crumbles

MarshaBradyo · 15/11/2018 13:43

Housewife and farming them out to strangers about the same level of denigration

A nanny etc isn’t a stranger

MadgeMak · 15/11/2018 13:45

Why the obsession with the terminology? Why do you care so much what people call themselves,
If someone wants to refer to themself as a SAHM then so what? They are staying at home despite the kids being at school, because they are a parent, so it seems apt to me.

Veganfortheanimals · 15/11/2018 13:47

However ,I've plenty of friends who are sahm by choice ,no SEN child at home full time,they say they want to pick their child up from school themselves,they want to cook their tea and spend time with them in the holidays..2 of my close friends are incredibly busy people ,yet don't work.they both say children come first..I think sahm are becoming more acceptable and more popular ,but obviously it's not everyone's cup of tea

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2018 14:23

I think sahm are becoming more acceptable and more popular

It's actually the opposite. There are government statistics published, its declining steeply year on year and now it's less than twenty percent of mothers who don't work, 80 percent now do.

9ofpentangles · 15/11/2018 14:30

I think it's what the government wants - more taxpayers.

I also think the cost of living is so high, it's impossible to live on one salary in some areas

LewisMam · 15/11/2018 14:32

There’s a very odd dichotomy between “impossible to live on one salary” and “have to live on one salary because the cost of childcare exceeds the amount the SAHM would earn”.

MarshaBradyo · 15/11/2018 14:33

I’m surprised it’s that high due to the cost of cc

9ofpentangles · 15/11/2018 14:37

Lots of families get round this by working shifts. We do so we don't pay any childcare. Qe would struggle on dhs income alone. We live in the South East and are both blue collar workers

AlphaJuno · 15/11/2018 14:37

I've not worked full time in 12 years. Firstly was because my partner at the time earned enough and I didn't want to fork out on childcare when they were little and hated my job anyway. Then I became a single parent and it became difficult to find a job that fitted around school hours and had zero support from family and the ex in the holidays and when they were ill. I was also a Carer to my df who has since passed on. I've now got a 7 mo with a different partner and it's also become apparent that ds, since starting secondary school has SEN. There's barely a day I don't have some contact from the school and I need to be available for that. I've never felt judged? 🤷🏼‍♀️. I know some sahm s and some who work and tbh most of the ones who work only do it for the money (they have to) but are always moaning about their jobs and wouldn't do it if they didn't have a mortgage to pay for eg. If anyone has judged me I haven't noticed and if they did I wouldn't care.

Original poster
pretzelflipzaretheanswer · 15/11/2018 14:45

2 of my close friends are incredibly busy people ,yet don't work

I think this is the word actually. Busy. You must be busy from the minute you wake up to the moment you collapse into bed, it would seem, or you're inferior to the ones who claim they actually do do this.

If you're children are well cared for and household chores are done, then is it really so terrible if a SAHP has a bit of free time, just because you may not have? That's when it does sound more like envy to me. I was actually really surprised (although I may have missed it) that a poster didn't get pounced on for saying they "watched a bit of TV'.

I have some very full days and some days where I have at least a couple of hours of free time and I'm now going to not feel guilty about that.

OP posts: