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Original poster

If you're a long term SAHM, do you feel judged?

283 replies

pretzelflipzaretheanswer · 14/11/2018 13:09

Hi,

Just that really.

I think it's accepted when your dc are pre school age that you take some time out, but once they're at primary... secondary and have decided to continue to SAH, do you feel judged and/or embarrassed? Because I do.

My dd is 11 and bar a bit of child minding, I've been a SAHM the whole time. My dd has additional needs and I have recurring depression and anxiety, both factors to me not working. I am also fully aware that I am able to do this, as my DP earns a very good salary and so I appreciate I'm lucky in that respect.

Does anyone else dread though, that inevitable question at, for example, your dp's Christmas party or generally when meeting new people - "so.. what do you do?". I hate it. Absolutely hate it! You either get "ohhhh" awkward expression and pause "hardest job in the world though, right?" Or a nod and no comment at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't really blame them. I mean, what do you say to that, really? But I have had the "but what do you do with your day?!" "Aren't you bored?" questions. Well, yes. Sometimes I am, but if someone told me they were an accountant, something which would bore me to tears, would I be so rude, as to ask "but aren't you bored?" I'm not having a go at accountants btw Grin I did actually used to work in accounts, I'm just using this for comparison.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just thought I'd ask how others in the same position felt. I've had quite a few awkward moments like this recently and it makes me feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Mrsfrumble · 14/11/2018 18:03

*that should read DO have SN, NOT have no SN.

SoupDragon · 14/11/2018 18:04

I've done what suits me and my family and I just wish women would stop judging each other for the choices that other women make and start supporting each other!!!

This!

Sailinghappy · 14/11/2018 18:05

I have definitely felt judged as a working mum with a good career. I went back to work when baby was six months old, baby spends two days a week in nursery and the rest with family and we have all our evenings/ weekends/ holidays together. The number of comments I had from “full time mummies” in the beginning was unbelievable. I am also a full time mum!!! I think the thing is, we all just need to not judge each other as far as we can.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
PoisonousSmurf · 14/11/2018 18:07

I'm almost 50 and I've never been asked by anyone at a party 'What's your job'. It's a rude question around here lol!

Rayn · 14/11/2018 18:10

I have done both with four children. I have run my own business working all hours and it was tough. I am now at home with the kids and care for my mum, and if someone asks me what I do I say I have taken some time out.

Which I have. I have not decided when or if I will go back to work so this seems the easiest thing to say without getting into lengthy discussions.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 14/11/2018 18:12

'I don’t think all the working mums would rather be SAHM.'

Several of my working friends have actually told me they would.
I don't think they really would, specially given how well a couple have done in their careers since they said that to me, though! But it is something you sometimes hear as a SAHM.

TheBigBangRocks · 14/11/2018 18:18

Every adult judges something, it's human nature.

Judgement goes both ways I find, working mums get comments like why bother having children if somebody else is raising them, money is more important than them etc.

SAHMs around here are rare, no other mum I've met at school doesn't work. Like others, I'd wonder why they didn't bother i.e. Lack of ambition, drive, laziness etc. Just seems very selfish to rely on another person or welfare to fund that choice.

almondsareforevermore · 14/11/2018 18:19

You’re expecting to be judged if you say you’re a SAHM, but have health problems or SN children. You don’t have to justify your decision to stay home when you have actually no choice.
It’s different if you choose to live off your partner and stay home with teenagers.

BertramKibbler · 14/11/2018 18:20

SAHMs around here are rare, no other mum I've met at school doesn't work. Like others, I'd wonder why they didn't bother i.e. Lack of ambition, drive, laziness etc. Just seems very selfish to rely on another person or welfare to fund that choice.

That’s pretty unpleasant.

TheBigBangRocks · 14/11/2018 18:23

It's not really being a SAHP when your child is at school for th bulk of the day. It's just used as a way of saying unemployed.

I don't think all working mums want to be a SAHP. Nice to imagine not working after a hard day at work but most work to finance their families, because they enjoy what it entails, to set a good example etc.

I'd not find a man attractive if he expected me to work to finance his needs whilst he stayed home not working so wouldn't expect it to be different the other way round.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 14/11/2018 18:24

Yes, lots of unpleasant comments from working women. We can't help judging but why post your thoughts on a thread which, if you'd bothered to read the title and OP, was aimed at SAHMs not WOHMs.

Mrsfrumble · 14/11/2018 18:24

BINGO!

Bellatrix14 · 14/11/2018 18:25

I’ve got a question for some of the SAHP on here that I’d be interested to hear the answer to if anyone feels like responding! I have quite often wondered whether there is a reason stay at home parents don’t tend to switch to using the phrase housewife/ househusband when their children start school, as I would definitely associate the phrase SAHP with someone who has at least one child less than school age? Is it because you feel there are more negative connotations attached to the housewife terms, or because you still feel the parent role is more what you ‘do’?

Vicious2018 · 14/11/2018 18:27

I don't feel judged. It makes life so much easier with dc. Life is pretty relaxed for all of us. I also have severe mental health condition and I am never truly well. I worked many years through illness and it was awful. I was dreaming of being able to be just home and get finally well. Now it is possible. This is of course possible because dh warns well.

Mrsfrumble · 14/11/2018 18:29

Bellatrix, as I’ve said, I have described myself as SAHM in real life since littlest started school last year (although I do occasionally on MN because it’s useful, accepted shorthand for not “not working outside the home”). “Not working at the moment” does the trick.

BertramKibbler · 14/11/2018 18:29

Bellatrix.... I call myself a housewife now and I’ve got 2 toddlers and a reception aged child.

skyesayshi · 14/11/2018 18:29

I would say "wow aren't you lucky". It's not my business how you fill your time, so anyone who judges you is very rude. I loved it when I worked part time as it was so nice having some time to just be at home with DD. I was forced back into full time work by divorce.

If I was lucky enough to be a SAHM I would fill my time with reading, swimming, I would volunteer in the local charity shop or libary or go to the primary school and listen to the kids reading.

If somebody judges you for being happy to be at home, it says more about them than it does about you. We are not all career driven, some of us are happy with our lot in life. How dare somebody suggest you are lazy because you are not ambitious.

We are all very different people who want different things out of life. Anyone who judges somebody else for a different choice or sneers at them for wanting a different life, clearly has a very big chip on their own shoulder.

If I were you, I would formulate a reply "Oh I am very fortunate that I don't have to work". If they ask what you do all day, then tell them you manage to find enough things to do.

Witchonastick · 14/11/2018 18:29

I gave up work (my own business) when my youngest was born, now 14. Eldest is 20 and still living at home.
We struggled to conceive and I wanted to enjoy it when we finally had our family.
I’m glad I was there when they were little. Sports days, parents evenings etc were never a problem. I was able to volunteer in school and help with school trips. They could have friends round after school and do lots of activities. School holidays were never hassle and we packed loads in.

It was a really busy time.
DH always worked long hours and was away a lot. It was never a juggle.

Now they are older and more independent, I’m enjoying my time and I’m not at all bored.

We decided to renovate our old house and I taught myself loads of new skills.
We have a bit of a smallholding, which we all love, but it’s ultimately my responsibility.
I also grow a lot of fruit and veg.

I have a creative hobby, that I’m able to enjoy and even makes me a bit money.

I volunteer for several organisations within our community, which wouldn’t be able to run without ‘people who don’t work’
If I get free time I enjoy a good hike often out on my own exploring new routes.

I love my life and I think I’m very fortunate.

Then you meet someone who asks what you do....
Well I can’t be arsed to list it all! So I say I don’t work/I’m at home etc
Then always get the “don’t you get bored?” line.

I understand some people have to work, some enjoy work and some prefer structure to their day. But I can’t understand why people think if you can chose how to spend your time, you must bored!

skyesayshi · 14/11/2018 18:30

*Ironically spells LIBRARY wrong Grin

Mrsfrumble · 14/11/2018 18:30

Arghh! HAVEN’T described myself, that should say! I’m giving up as I can’t type.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 14/11/2018 18:31

because you still feel the parent role is more what you ‘do’?

This. I don't do any more housework than DH. We have a cleaner. DH likes cooking so does most of that. So I can't in all honesty call myself a housewife but i am most definitely a mum.

SoupDragon · 14/11/2018 18:32

Like others, I'd wonder why they didn't bother i.e. Lack of ambition, drive, laziness etc. Just seems very selfish to rely on another person or welfare to fund that choice.

"Why have a child and then farm them out to someone else to care for them? Just seems very selfish."

Of course, I don't actually feel like that at all but it shows how nasty your comments were. You (and others) should take a long hard look at yourself and stop judging other women for making a different choice to you.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 14/11/2018 18:39

should take a long hard look at yourself and stop judging other women for making a different choice to you

YES!!

Bellatrix14 · 14/11/2018 18:42

Mrs Frumble I knew what you meant! Smile

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 14/11/2018 18:42

I find it odd how many people judge SAHMs for being unambitious, as though that is a bad thing. Surely if I lack ambition, it’s because I am content with my life as it is? The ability to be content in your life is a quality I admire and would want for my children.

SIL and I judge each other no end. She judges me for not having a paid job (no ambition) and I judge her for being unable to sit still for 5 minutes without taking on a new project and then complaining how busy she is. We both like the way we are, so it’s all good.