If you're a long term SAHM, do you feel judged?

[pretzelflipzaretheanswer]

Hi,

Just that really.

I think it's accepted when your dc are pre school age that you take some time out, but once they're at primary... secondary and have decided to continue to SAH, do you feel judged and/or embarrassed? Because I do.

My dd is 11 and bar a bit of child minding, I've been a SAHM the whole time. My dd has additional needs and I have recurring depression and anxiety, both factors to me not working. I am also fully aware that I am able to do this, as my DP earns a very good salary and so I appreciate I'm lucky in that respect.

Does anyone else dread though, that inevitable question at, for example, your dp's Christmas party or generally when meeting new people - "so.. what do you do?". I hate it. Absolutely hate it! You either get "ohhhh" awkward expression and pause "hardest job in the world though, right?" Or a nod and no comment at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't really blame them. I mean, what do you say to that, really? But I have had the "but what do you do with your day?!" "Aren't you bored?" questions. Well, yes. Sometimes I am, but if someone told me they were an accountant, something which would bore me to tears, would I be so rude, as to ask "but aren't you bored?" I'm not having a go at accountants btw I did actually used to work in accounts, I'm just using this for comparison.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just thought I'd ask how others in the same position felt. I've had quite a few awkward moments like this recently and it makes me feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Thanks for reading.

BertramKibbler
Should that happen I would live off savings but get a new job as soon as possible? I don't get your point?
I didn't say academic achievement so as long as my kids remain very motivated, ambitious and have a good work ethic I'm happy.

My point is there are potential risks for a working parent too. Yes, my children will move out one day, hopefully one day you’ll retire.... we’ll have a similar predicament. In the same vein, you could lose your job, you have funds set aside for a rainy day and would find new employment. If my husband divorced me I too have funds set aside and would search for new employment. The scenarios really aren’t that different.

SAHM’s can have high achieving kids too, by the way!

Agree that once your children are in education ft, you are not really 'staying at home' with them. Certainly by the time they are 26 (!) the boat has sailed on your being a sahm! Maybe some of the judgement some pp perceive is more surprise when people are trying to square the circle of your school age / teenage / young adult dc with the sahm moniker which to many i think implies pre schoolers.

BertramKibbler
That's great you have savings set aside but should you and your husband part you will be at a disadvantage finding a new job given you haven't worked in several years..

Dani18
Not necessarily anymore than you will. These things are difficult to judge, plenty of large corporations have special schemes to encourage women back to work with my qualifications.

I do have a 'type A personality' and my sense of self worth is directly proportional to my percieved 'success' I.e good job, decent wage and high achieving children

What would you do if you didn't have high achieving children. Would you feel a failure?

My friend got totally screwed over being unmarried and giving up her career. It’s a risky thing to do.

BertramKibbler
Well luckily you had the opportunity of education before choosing to stay at home. Thats certainly not the case with many SAHM, who in reality will be competing for a job with either fresh faced graduates or people with far more experience.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions
Yes I do. If DC fail tests or get bad grades I take that as an incentive to spend more time helping them with that subject or getting a tutor if need be. I know it's my issues and try not to put that on them.

I say tutor because DS isn't very academic but takes great pride in his music ability so if he doesn't get that grade I get him more help

My kids are 15 and 21, and I don't do paid work. I feel blessed that I am able to do that. I do lots of PTA type stuff at school, support my kids and husband, and run house and home. Very old fashioned, but I love it, I am not bored, do not feel that I have wasted my education or talents and certainly don't feel judged. My life, my choice. I worked from 18 until 38, and had a very senior, well paid position. I see it as phases of life. In the future, I may choose to do something else, but the moment, I am content to be working at home.

Of course Dani18, I’m fortunate in that respect but you also should remember that a lot of SAHM’s haven’t sacrificed a high flying career. For them they can step straight back into the same kind of work they had before children.

I must admit I do assume SAHM arent particularly ambitious.

I think a lot of people do. I've got a PhD and a PGCE (in that order). I worked in industry for a few years then retrained as a teacher because I wanted more stability and a more rewarding career (Ha!) and, after 3DC, I'm staying home for a while. I'm only 35, my ambition is just on hold. In the meantime I'm going to enjoy every single school holiday, Christmas show, sports day, and assembly. So go ahead and judge.

It has certainly been a conversation stopper on more than one occasion with people who don't know me!

For a number of reasons, I gave up work 19 years ago. My youngest is now 21 and without going into detail, the reason why I didn't work all that time is no longer relevant. Having been out of work for so long it is not easy to get back into the workplace.

Someone I know asked me on Sunday evening "and what will you be doing tomorrow?" (as he said "must go, work tomorrow"). I gave him the run down of my busy day - which involved gym, voluntary work and course work for an on line course I'm doing - not to mention cooking dinner and housework. "No time for daytime TV" I said - because I've had comments about spending my day watching that before (the TV goes off at 8.30am and doesn't usually go back on until after dinner at 7pm).

My ds is first year primary and I haven't worked since went on maternity leave 5 years ago.I do worry people judge but try finding a job between 9 and 2 around here

Much as I love Mumsnet, I feel more judged on here than in RL.
Mainly because an Internet forum is the kind of place where people make sweeping generalisations, whereas in RL people see me as an individual.
I used to feel more judged by dh's mathematician colleagues for lecturing in a subject they considered insufficiently rigorous than I do for sahming!

I wish this was a problem I had and I’d be happy to be judged everyday. Would give anything to be a sahm but instead I’m a solicitor and hate it and miss my son so much when I’m at work.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling judged but I bet most of them would rather be you!

If you're bored and have got nothing to say, that's not all down to being a SAHM of school-aged kids. It's lack of anything else going on in your life, which is within your control.

You could volunteer for something. I was a support volunteer for the Samaritans and that's what I used to talk about when I got the dreaded 'so what do you do' question. In reality it only took up two evenings a month. Or you could download an app and learn a language - tell people you're learning Spanish if they ask.

I've been a SAHM and WOHM. Both were stressful and difficult in their own incomparable ways. On balance, I think I'd rather be at work. It was actually the boredom of being at home that did for me. Boredom is as stressful as job stress IMO.

I don’t think all the working mums would rather be SAHM. You can see how much some women thrive by having a career and how doing so makes them better mums. By saying they’d rather be SAHMs you’re basically as bad as the people that are being complained about in this thread! If you’re open minded you can see that not everybody has the same idea of perfect.

Wow this thread is depressing - nothing has changed since I started using MN many moons ago when my children were tiny.

I had a high earning (six figure) professional career and have worked at it FT, PT, then been a SAHM for 10 years to 'launch' 4 children into school, volunteered, opened a Free School, indulged my hobbies, supported my husband as he has risen up the ranks, and I now work two short days a week in an admin role related in part to my former career. Admittedly, dinner parties used to be more of a challenge when I didn't work, but I always made sure I had something to say, or would say something like 'this and that, how about you?' - a lot of people tend to enjoy talking about themselves .

I don't give a stuff what anyone else has done with their lives - and if you judge someone for being 'lazy' or 'stupid' or 'boring' or 'selfish' for being a SAHM or WOHM then I think that says more about you than the person just living their life, frankly.

I've done what suits me and my family and I just wish women would stop judging each other for the choices that other women make and start supporting each other!!!

Hmmm, not sure I agree that most SAHMs are uneducated and have insufficient experience in the workplace. Of the other mothers I know from school who don’t work, most used to be professionals (teachers, accountants etc.) or worked in the City. They now use their considerable organisational skills fundraising for the PTA; I think the headteacher can’t believe his luck!

I don’t usually refer to myself as a SAHM. I just say I’m not working, or that I’m a volunteer children’s worker at our local church (true). Yeah, I do feel a bit judged, and I’d really like to work again but rather like the OP, my circumstances are not straightforward. I only accept judgement from people whose children have no SN and who have no support and free childcare from family!

@Ijumpedtheshark @BertramKibbler
I agree with Bertram- for me, being a SAHP would be my idea of hell. And that's the same for the vast majority of my friends, male or female. I know only two people who are happy SAHPs. That's a limited demographic (middle class, south east but working in London) but I still think it shows you absolutely can't assume most people would much rather be at home full time.

@ I think OP describing herself as a SAHM of school aged children would also be pretty widely understood and people would get a decent impression of her role and the kinds of things it might possibly entail e.g. more limited childcare due to school

Really? I have no impression of what child related activities she would be doing when her child is at school that other working parents don't do?
I agree with you re: language. I don't choose those terms but those are terms that others use. As I said a description as opposed to a label is more meaningful - mother who does work, mother who doesn't work

@ClairefromMergersAcquisitions
No I wouldn't refer to myself as a homemaker. I would refer to myself as a mother who doesn't work (for whatever reason- don't need to or don't want to). I wouldn't refer to myself as a SAHM if my children were in school all day.

I’ve been a sahm for 14 years. At the beginning I assumed I would have to go back to work but luckily my husband’s salary means that I don’t. If I wanted to work he would be really supportive so it’s not a misogynistic thing.

I actually find it strange that people judge people for either working or not working. I think it’s odd that people care so much about what others are doing! I personally couldn’t care less if you’re a sahm or wohm.

People in the past have expressed surprise that I don’t work and assume that I’m thick or lazy. I actually had a better job than my husband when I stopped working and I’m fluent in 5 languages.

I use my skills doing lots of volunteering and I love being there for my kids and for my husband. It works for us but I appreciate it’s not for everyone. Vive la difference!