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Original poster

If you're a long term SAHM, do you feel judged?

283 replies

pretzelflipzaretheanswer · 14/11/2018 13:09

Hi,

Just that really.

I think it's accepted when your dc are pre school age that you take some time out, but once they're at primary... secondary and have decided to continue to SAH, do you feel judged and/or embarrassed? Because I do.

My dd is 11 and bar a bit of child minding, I've been a SAHM the whole time. My dd has additional needs and I have recurring depression and anxiety, both factors to me not working. I am also fully aware that I am able to do this, as my DP earns a very good salary and so I appreciate I'm lucky in that respect.

Does anyone else dread though, that inevitable question at, for example, your dp's Christmas party or generally when meeting new people - "so.. what do you do?". I hate it. Absolutely hate it! You either get "ohhhh" awkward expression and pause "hardest job in the world though, right?" Or a nod and no comment at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't really blame them. I mean, what do you say to that, really? But I have had the "but what do you do with your day?!" "Aren't you bored?" questions. Well, yes. Sometimes I am, but if someone told me they were an accountant, something which would bore me to tears, would I be so rude, as to ask "but aren't you bored?" I'm not having a go at accountants btw Grin I did actually used to work in accounts, I'm just using this for comparison.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just thought I'd ask how others in the same position felt. I've had quite a few awkward moments like this recently and it makes me feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
survivalmode · 14/11/2018 15:59

My in laws judge me. Hard. My side of the family are very supportive.

EenyMeenyMo · 14/11/2018 16:16

Difficult. I will own up to judging (privately)- But i would also say that the fact that you feel the need to justify your choice by talking about your daughters additional needs/your health problems etc implies some judging yourself - if someone said I'm at SAHM kids all in school no additional needs no health problems etc thats where being judgey kicks in - and I would say that I don't really judge your choice per se but claims that its hard work - given that the stuff that SAHP do is what WOHP do on top of a full time job it feels a little exaggerated. i think thats why people ask what you do as from the perspective of a wohp theres several hours unaccounted for .

I agree as a family it makes it easier for one person to be at home (if you can afford it) and may be the best financial option.
I do have friends who are SAHM and i understand their decisions and it is easier to not judge on a personal level as the decisions are often nuanced

That said i am an accountant and get judged a lot (although my decision to work isn't viewed as a decision i made but mroe a necessity)

Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 14/11/2018 16:20

My Mil judges me for working, and therefore neglecting my children. But she is a total mysoginist and is incredibly defensive about her own situation and her sense of self worth. That is usually where agressive vocalised judgement comes from, it's a projection of the other person's insecurities. But to a lesser extent, we all make tiny subconscious judgements about other people all day long.... Just most of us don't need to knock others down about it.

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Families
Bumpitybumper · 14/11/2018 16:21

@Mummyshark2018
I think focusing on labels is actually quite divisive and unhelpful. As a SAHM to a preschooler and toddler I can tell you that there are many days that I am actually in my home less time than someone that works FT. Does that mean that I should reject the term SAHM as it's inaccurate or should we retain the term as it's generally well understood and we don't really have a consensus on an acceptable alternative? Pragmatically I would suggest the latter. I think OP describing herself as a SAHM of school aged children would also be pretty widely understood and people would get a decent impression of her role and the kinds of things it might possibly entail e.g. more limited childcare due to school.

As an example of how labels can be divisive, I personally would actually prefer it if "full-time mum" replaced SAHM as a way of describing someone that looks after their own children instead of working. I think it more accurately describes the role as it implies that you are doing tasks associated with being a mother during working hours, however I also accept lots of people find it offensive as they feel that it implies by working that someone is less of a mother so i would never use it. Language is a funny old thing, especially if terms are ambiguous and can have multiple different meanings. I think as long as we use terms that we all understand and aren't overly offensive then this is ok and unwanted labels shouldn't be forced upon people in the name of accuracy.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 14/11/2018 16:21

I've been at home for 14 years. I'm a feminist and don't care what judgey women think. If asked what I do, I lie and say I work from home. It avoids the awkward "what do you do?" "nothing" moment. If pressed further I'll say "oh admin work, boring but it pays the bills - what do you do?" and the moment passes as the other person grabs the opportunity to talk about themselves.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 14/11/2018 16:28

But i would also say that the fact that you feel the need to justify your choice by talking about your daughters additional needs/your health problems etc implies some judging yourself

I don't agree. I mentioned my daughter's SN simply as the reason I didn't try to get a job straight away after redundancy. It wasn't me saying, oh it's "OK for me because I have x reason" like I had to justify it; I don't. It was a reason, not a justification.
And I was only talking about my own situation, not mentioning anyone else's, so not sure how that can be judging anyone else.

Every SAHP has their own reasons: anal of which are valid and no one else's business to judge.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2018 16:28

don't care what judgey women think. If asked what I do, I lie and say I work from home

How can both these statements be true? Surely if you don't care you wouldn't lie and pretend you work?

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 14/11/2018 16:29

*all, not anal Blush

ProfYaffle · 14/11/2018 16:29

I was a sahm for 12 years but never felt judged. I'm a bit surprised to see the assumptions about it being due to having a lower paid job, I've not encountered that view before.

I feel judged about it at work now that I've returned though. I do avoid telling people because they doubt my experience and expertise.

While I was at home, I did a lot of voluntary work relating to my job though as I always had an eye on going back. So I was always able to talk about that and refer to it now as 'my old job' to address the gap.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 14/11/2018 16:35

@Mummyshark2018 - your post is really unpleasant. You acknowledge you are very fortunate to have the set up you have and I hope you are aware of how easily that could be removed from you. If school hours were no longer available to you, would you go full-time to maintain your sense of identity or would you become a SAHM? If it was the latter, would you really refer to yourself as a homemaker? No-one is saying that a SAHM is more of a mother than someone who WOTH but surely you don't begrudge them a title that they can give when asked what they do?

monty09 · 14/11/2018 16:36

Ive been a sahm for 11 years youngest is 3 next month have 4 dc, I've been doing some volunteering in admin and actually love it and can't wait to get a paid job! Boredom has set in now and it's driving me mad. I feel judged by my partner as last night my only contribution is to be in when we need repairs doing! Or I don't pay the bills!

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 14/11/2018 16:36

Bluntness - I gave an explanation for my fib.

strawberrypenguin · 14/11/2018 16:42

Hmm I think it's a tricky one. I do think it's a bit odd to style yourself SAHM once your DC are in school.

It's a valid choice but I think you aren't really a SAHM at that point, you just don't work.

MrsPear · 14/11/2018 16:49

I’m a mother. My job is housewife. When asked what I do all day - with the usual smirk and or eye roll - I point out I do everything related to home life from the bins to meal planning to household admin including holidays and everything related to the children - one has sn too. I organise everything and everyone. I even complete admin relating to my husband’s work. I don’t feel like doing all that and another full time job on top. If I could find a few hours that would be nice for company reasons.
But according to most in society I do nothing all day except watch tv as I’m a lazy cow with no brain cells. Oh yes I feel judged.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 14/11/2018 16:50

It's a valid choice but I think you aren't really a SAHM at that point, you just don't work

True but presumably they're not working because they are a mum and work would not be conducive to that for a variety of reasons? Why begrudge them a title - it seems mean spirited. No-one uses the term housewife anymore so SAHM it is.

DevonshireCreamTea · 14/11/2018 16:53

Honestly if your kids are school aged I wouldn't consider you to be a stay at home mum, I'd consider you to simply be unemployed or not looking for a job etc.

Original poster
pretzelflipzaretheanswer · 14/11/2018 17:03

I don't really know where to start tbh.

If not SAHM, then what? I think homemaker sounds just...odd. Like you're unable to make a home if you work. I don't like FTM either.

Reading a lot of these comments, it's clear the stigma is still very much there.

OP posts:
saganorenscarandcoat · 14/11/2018 17:06

I'm a stay at home mum with 2 at high school and one in primary. I don't give a fcuk what other people think of me. Life is better like that.

ClairefromMergersAcquisitions · 14/11/2018 17:09

OP - you're doing what you feel is best for your family and you. Don't worry what a bunch of randoms think. If you feel awkward just do like I do and say you work from home Smile

MarshaBradyo · 14/11/2018 17:12

I’ve done ft, freelance, wahm and sahm

When I’m not working I just say I’m taking it easy or something like that

I’ve never said a label out loud, not have I heard it, sahm is useful shorthand on mn. As is wohm etc - no one says that either ime

Homemaker is twee and who knows a sahm may do less homemakkng than a wohm if they have daily cleaners / outsource stuff

(God nightmare to type all those iPhone wants to change all of them)

Dani18 · 14/11/2018 17:21

I must admit I do assume SAHM arent particularly ambitious. That's probably because I enjoy my job and have worked very hard to get and maintain a high level job. I do have a 'type A personality' and my sense of self worth is directly proportional to my percieved 'success' I.e good job, decent wage and high achieving children. I dont understand how someone can be content staying at home and not having anything in their life that's 'just theirs' if you know what i mean. What happens when your kids grow up? What happens if you and your DH divorce?

BertramKibbler · 14/11/2018 17:22

@eenymeenymo

that its hard work - given that the stuff that SAHP do is what WOHP do on top of a full time job it feels a little exaggerated

What exactly do you think happens when your children are in nursery, or the childminders? Are they all locked in a cupboard whilst the staff sit around gossiping with a cup of tea?

BertramKibbler · 14/11/2018 17:23

@Dani18 what happens if you’re made redundant or one of your kids happens to be thick?

SoupDragon · 14/11/2018 17:23

Personally, the only place I have ever come across judgement is Mumsnet.

StillMedusa · 14/11/2018 17:26

I worked part time (4 evenings a week) until the youngest of my 4 was 4, and have worked school hours ever since. With 4 kids 5 and under we couldn't afford the child care for me to work, neither did I want to, esp no 4 who has special needs.

Now mine are all grown and only the youngest still needs care, but I can juggle his needs around school hours. BUT if I could I'd stop tomorrow or go to 3 days a week... keeping on top of a home with 6/7 people living in it (only one has moved out and two others have partners with us!) is exhausting , DH works very long hours and I'm 50 and knackered.

The only thing that keeps me at a paid job is the thought of a (very poor) pension. I don't judge SAHM but I do envy them!!