If you're a long term SAHM, do you feel judged?

[pretzelflipzaretheanswer]

Hi,

Just that really.

I think it's accepted when your dc are pre school age that you take some time out, but once they're at primary... secondary and have decided to continue to SAH, do you feel judged and/or embarrassed? Because I do.

My dd is 11 and bar a bit of child minding, I've been a SAHM the whole time. My dd has additional needs and I have recurring depression and anxiety, both factors to me not working. I am also fully aware that I am able to do this, as my DP earns a very good salary and so I appreciate I'm lucky in that respect.

Does anyone else dread though, that inevitable question at, for example, your dp's Christmas party or generally when meeting new people - "so.. what do you do?". I hate it. Absolutely hate it! You either get "ohhhh" awkward expression and pause "hardest job in the world though, right?" Or a nod and no comment at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't really blame them. I mean, what do you say to that, really? But I have had the "but what do you do with your day?!" "Aren't you bored?" questions. Well, yes. Sometimes I am, but if someone told me they were an accountant, something which would bore me to tears, would I be so rude, as to ask "but aren't you bored?" I'm not having a go at accountants btw I did actually used to work in accounts, I'm just using this for comparison.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just thought I'd ask how others in the same position felt. I've had quite a few awkward moments like this recently and it makes me feel a bit rubbish tbh.

Thanks for reading.

When people ask the question at parties, they really don't care. It's just an 'opener', small talk if you like.

If you feel judged, it's probably because you feel the weight of people's envy. I'm sure there are indeed plenty of accountants who are bored to tears by their jobs and would love to have the opportunity to stay at home like you, but can't you see. They're just envious, and you are actually very lucky to be able to do it these days.

I never felt judged but it probably helped that I was an ‘older’ first time mum, 43, I had loads of confidence & self esteem & genuinely don’t worry if people judge me or not. I was a SAHM for 12 years & did loads of voluntary & community work & if people asked what I did I would tell them about my volunteering. I believe I made an incredibly valuable contribution to society by volunteering.
I agree that I don’t understand all the ‘are you bored’ comments, I wonder how many of you with high flying careers will cope when you retire?

I wouldn’t consider someone with school aged kids a SAHM. I would say unemployed or supported by your husband.

I don’t judge that but I do wonder what you would do if your husband left for whatever reason. I’ve asked that on here before and a few people had their own money squirrelled away. A few others were convinced their husbands would still support them. It’s rocky ground.

Personally I couldn’t and wouldn’t rely on someone else to put clothes on my back.

I try not to judge because I am well aware that in families with a stay at home parent, life runs quite a bit more smoothly than it does in our house. So if they can afford it, great! It wouldn't be for me even if we could afford it because I loathe domesticity, but I don't see it as essentially unsatisfying (especially if combined with volunteering or a hobby) and I don't look down on SAHMs. (Please don't refer to them as full-time mums as if the rest of us are somehow not fulfilling the role fully - I am a mum ALL the time, even when I am at work - I just have to squeeze the parenting jobs into less time). However, I have a friend who is definitely very smart. She had kids quite late after a highly successful career in science. Her kids are now teens. She doesn't need to work, her DH earns plenty and it suits the family for her to be around etc. I understand all that. BUT she is very, very involved in her kids' lives and for example sits down and helps them with every piece of homework, frets if her DD doesn't do as well as she should in tests etc. She frequently says her DD doesn't handle pressure well but SHE is the cause of it - she makes her DD feel that her mum's fulfilment is all about her DD being successful at school - and yet what she is modelling for the this same DD is that women stay at home, provide meals and moral support for the man. All her own studying is redundant now as she spends her time doing Key Stage 3 maths homework!! So yes, in that respect I can't help but judge. I think it would do her and her family a lot of good for her to be less invested in her kids' schoolwork and for them to see her doing something fulfilling and stimulating for herself.

It’s pretty foolish to have children with a man you don’t feel you can rely on the put clothes on your back. What if youbecame incapacitated

I wouldn’t consider someone with school aged kids a SAHM. I would say unemployed or supported by your husband.

Do you consider yourself to be a full time mother?

I've done PT/ FT & currently SAHM. I became a SAHM as a temporary FT contract fell when DS1 was in yR and he struggled with the length of time in wrap around care. It looks likely that he has SN and finds a school day wearing.

DH works long hours and we can comfortably live on his income, now and into the future. If anything catastrophic happened, I could easily pick up temp work and resume teaching. The goal posts of the benefits/ costs of me working don't make it worthwhile to the family at present, but different circumstances would change that balance. The DCs can have more extra curricular activities, chill time and support with their school work than when family life was crammed into a few hours between late pick up and bedtime before I carried on with my own planning/ marking.

I don't know why I feel I have to justify it like I just have. I'm confident about the benefits to my family of being a SAHM over the next few years, certainly while the DCs need wrap around care. The culture around my neighbourhood is biased towards PT/ flexible working more than SAHMs. Obviously I see less of the FT mums.

The only time I felt personally judged was when pg with DS2. I'd worked a temp contract between the DCs which ended around early pregnancy but qualified me for Mat Allowence. I was avaliable for supply with an agency, but the phone was cold as I hadn't worked with them for a couple of years and it was early in the school year. I'd reached the stage of hobbling with SPD and clearly pregnant (a few weeks off from getting crutches) and this stupid woman at a vonunteering training/ social event couldn't grasp why supply teaching was not viable to resume partway through a pregnancy with health issues when she'd stoically ploughed through her multiple pregnancies as a radiographer with a lead apron Fantastic for her, but given that I'd have been sicknoted off a regular employer by 7m pg anyway, I can't see a random secondary school rushing to have had me hobbling around their site! She was so pushy about it and really couldn't grasp that different people have different circumstances. I mistakenly thought I was entering a normal brief casual conversation about our usual occupations

I'd say if possible, more people would want PT/ flexible work if it was avaliable, financially viable and not to the detriment of career progression. I hate the "hard working" political dialogue of this decade as it really just means that employers and employees have flogged themselves harder for little gain.

ThreeGlasses - what would you do if you became too mentally or physically unwell to work? Would you let your husband put clothes on your back or would you be naked?

Actually I agree that the comment ‘I am the fortunate position of not needing paid employment’ said with a big smile is a good, positive answer. If you say anything about wanting to be home with your children it can appear that you might be making a judgement about working mothers.

Some people just judge. There was a thread earlier today by someone who had her two little ones in nursery while she works full time and there were a number of "I'm lucky enough not to have to work" responses - which would resonate in exactly the same way as your example did to you. Got to live your life for yourself and to hell with everyone else.

My Dh and I support each other. I couldn’t have this life without him and he couldn’t have his life without me.
I appreciate the financial support and he appreciates the practical support. We are a team.

If we split life would change in a big way for both of us.

I think people forget that a 2 income household going to a 1 income household in the event of a divorce is also a huge adjustment. It’s unlikely any family can carry on exactly as before after a split.

I probably am judged, but I don't feel judged because I couldn't care less what anyone thinks. I don't work because it suits us as a family, I'm not bored as I can fill my days quite easily, I'm not lacking in ambition or intelligence because I have plenty of ambition and stretch my brain plenty (paid work isn't the only way to exercise your ambition or intellect, you know).

I don’t consider myself a full time mother. What even IS a full time mother. I’m a mother, irregardless of my children being with me or not. I’m a mother.

If I was sick and unable to work...clearly I wouldn’t go naked. What a ridiculous question. I’m talking about the nice things people want, the car you drive around in, spending money which you didn’t earn on things you want. I would hate to know everything I had was paid by for someone else. It’s like being at their mercy!

I disagree that a ‘SAHM’ with school aged children is unemployed. In the traditional use of the word it implies you are available for work, but when I was in that (fortunate) position I was not seeking employment therefore I wouldn’t consider myself as unemployed .

I would stress though that anyone taking a break from employment, for whatever reasons, should ensure they continue to pay NI contributions for pension reasons.

Three glasses, I think that says more about the dynamic of your relationship than anything else.

I don’t feel I’m at anyone’s mercy. We balance each other out.

Before i had kids i may have judged. Now i have them i wouldnt. Im a full time carer for my youngest who is 2 today. A 5 year old and a six year old. I now get that being a sahp isnt lazy and you dont get to sit around all day doing nothing. My pre child self was a judgy bitch

I’m a mother, irregardless of my children being with me or not. I’m a mother.

So, why is a SAHM somehow no longer a mother staying at home if her children are in school? 🤔 They are a mother staying at home.

@Dani18
I'm also am a type A personality and a SAHM. I personally don't think the two things are incompatible (obviously) but I can understand why one would assume that they are. I channel the energy and ambition that I have previously utilised in my career into my home life instead and I work hard to provide my kids with a varied and enjoyable life. I also try to tame the negative attributes that come with this personality type as I appreciate that they have the potential to be particularly harmful as a SAHM.

My ambition is still as strong as ever but is focused on enhancing my kids lives and doing the best I can as a SAHM. It is strange as although I am still quite status driven and dislike the low status associated with the role, I still see it is a very valuable role that is extremely important for my kids. I think so much of how you view the SAHP role is shaped by parenting ethos and how you view things like childcare that it is unlikely that someone that views the SAHP role as an unnecessary and unimportant role would understand what motivates SAHPs

You must have an odd view of your partner if you consider yourself at his mercy for paying for you, my DH & I have a joint account, I wasn’t contributing financially for many years but of course I had full & equal access to the bank account and could buy what I wanted. We are both fully functioning adults and can read a bank statement, obviously neither of us would go overdrawn but there was no question of allocating pocket money or having to ask if I wanted something.

@bertramkibbler, I’m a single mother to 4 children so no judgement needed on the relationship front.

I’ve seen enough women on the breadline trying to get back into the workplace after a marriage breakdown to know I wouldn’t advise any woman to put herself in that position.

I'm done with this.

It's the same old bollocks being spouted by people who really should stop judging other women.

And, of course, plenty of women thrive!

And I have repeatedly, repeatedly advised my daughters not to put themselves in that postion.

There is a huge difference between leaving the workplace for a few years when the DC are young. Someone needs to do that work, I make no bones about who does it. But as a long term situation I personally wouldn’t do it. All power to you if you can.

A mother's place is in the wrong, so to a certain extent we all get judged for our choices.

It's interesting to note the number of women who stay at home - at least in part - due to physical and/or mental health issues.

Are these issues more prevalent in women, or do men just have to suck it up, and go out to work anyway?