Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My husband strangled me

300 replies

BaconHead · 08/11/2018 11:01

I can't tell anyone in real life because I know I should leave him and I know that social services will get involved as we have children, we have 4dc, 2 together and 2 are my step children who live with us. We've been together 5 and half years, married for 2. Never done anything like this before, a couple of years ago he pushed me on the bed while we were having an argument, but nothing major like this. Yesterday morning we were arguing about something petty, and it ended up with him holding me down on the sofa and strangling me. I know I need to leave him but for some silly reason, I love him and don't want to split our family up, my stepdaughters had a rough time with their mother and moved in with us 2 and half years ago and have settled in and I don't want to uproot them again, they wouldn't be able to stay with me as I'm not their mum. I feel so hurt and upset and I can't even look at him at the moment, I can't stand the sight of him, I don't know if I'll ever look at him the same again. My neck is in agony today and I can't even go to the doctors or anything. I know I deserve better, I know I won't leave I just wanted to tell someone and can't in real life.

OP posts:
CheddarIsNotTheOnlyCheese · 08/11/2018 12:53

He intentionally deprived you of the ability to breathe. You only do that if you intend on causing great harm. My mother stayed with an abusive husband "for the kids". Well two of those kids have grown up to have severe emotional and alcohol issues. My strapping 36 year old 6ft 1 built like a brick shit house brother regularly has a nightmare where he finds our mother strangled to death. That's because we witnessed it as kids. They both tried hiding it but we knew. The only way you protect children from domestic violence is to remove the possibility of it happening. You can't guarantee that it won't. Just go.

BifsWif · 08/11/2018 12:53

If social services become involved you may still get access to your stepchildren.

It’s clear from the messages he doesn’t give a fuck about you or what he’s done. You need to put your children above everything else, please go to the doctors.

EmmaGeddon · 08/11/2018 12:54

From that series of text messages, he understands full well the severity of his actions. Go and seek help and do it now. Your step-daughters will also be subject to safeguarding, so don't let what may or may not happen to them, stop you from getting away from this man.

Wrybread · 08/11/2018 12:55

Just read your update. He's trying to make it your fault.

Trying to make you the one responsible if SS get involved.

But HE chose to do this and HIS choice has consequences.

I understand the love thing. I felt like that for a long time with my ex. And all he did was emotional and financial abuse, with the odd time he trapped me in a room and wouldn't let me leave.

I thought it was love for him. In a way it was. But it was based on a fantasy idea of who I wanted him to be, not who he really was. The love (and fear) faded with time and as I let myself face who he really is.

Right now you need to be "selfish". Of course it's not actual selfishness, it's protecting yourself and the dc. But it may feel like being selfish.

You need to get help.

JuliaJaynes9 · 08/11/2018 12:56

Yes he is spinning it making it all your fault
he's got you trained and he just has to say certain things and you do what he wants
Why do you love him?
trauma bonding etc

Sexnotgender · 08/11/2018 12:58

He doesn’t give a shit about you, his texts are frankly chilling.

He WILL kill you, please get out. Go to the GP. Go to the police.

Speak to women’s aid and leave this monster.

CheddarIsNotTheOnlyCheese · 08/11/2018 12:59

He has given you proof. Surely it would be even easier for you to access the help you need?

MotorcycleMayhem · 08/11/2018 12:59

Please see a doctor. And please think about calling the police. This is not ok. You're not ok. He is dangerous. To you, to your children, to your stepchildren. You need help and support, and so do they. Please pick up the phone to someone in real life and get some help.

Photograph any injuries as well. Flowers

dangermouseisace · 08/11/2018 13:00

He tried to kill you, and he’s trying to minimise it. Make out it will be your fault if social services get involved. No, it would be 100% his fault, and actually it would be a good thing if SS got involved as hopefully they’d be able to protect your stepkids.

“You know what to expect” sounds chilling. What, like him doing it again?

You really need to get to the dr OP, for your neck and your wound. You need to look after yourself because sure as hell your DH won’t.

EllenRipley · 08/11/2018 13:00

PLEASE take the advice other posters have given, this is awful and an unacceptable situation for you and the children. Any disruption they face pales next to staying and being parented by this horror of a man who, next time, could put you in the hospital - or worse. X

gamerchick · 08/11/2018 13:00

OP, PLEASE go and get medical attention. Do that now and think of the rest later.

SheRaTheAllPowerful · 08/11/2018 13:01

Hand hold here, I hope you find the strength to leave. I think if you go to women’s aid they will be able to advise, you maybe able to support your stepdaughters even with leaving.

WhingyNinja · 08/11/2018 13:03

This is the first thread in a long time that has reduced me to angry tears. How dare he try to lay the blame at your feet. He should have considered the kids before he strangled you, the absolute bastard.

Please leave him, please. You may not be so lucky the next time he does this.

How can he be so cold towards you? He went for a lie down because his chest was bad? Yet you're suffering from damage to your throat and a ripped out stitch from recent surgery? I'm honestly gobsmacked.

ScrambledSmegs · 08/11/2018 13:09

What's holding you back? I know you say you love him but isn't this more likely to be you confusing love with fear and co-dependency?

Please, at the very least go and get some medical attention for your injuries.

Pebblesandfriends · 08/11/2018 13:09

Wow. I'm so sorry op. You deserve better. Please tell someone in RL and do it before you see him again. Don't spend another night under the same roof.

Josiebloggs · 08/11/2018 13:11

Op he isn't even pretending to be sorry any more. You need to leave, his utter contempt for you is scary.
Using the children as a weapon to keep silence is common as is the threat of SS but actually they only want the same as you, for you and all the children to be safe. Don't let him scare you with them, they can actually be helpful, you have done nothing wrong and if you leave now you will have safeguarded all the children as much as you possibly can.

Storm4star · 08/11/2018 13:12

Reading those texts I think you really need to go to the police OP. Show them the texts. No way will social services allow any of the kids to stay with him. You can get so much support. I know you love him but he doesn't love you. Let me repeat that, he does not love you!! You have to realise this. He is a blackmailing abusive bully. He doesn't care what happens to you.But firstly get yourself to the hospital, please. As I said in my first post, you may think he's done no permanent damage but you won't know that unless you're checked over.

Threewheeler1 · 08/11/2018 13:13

I agree with every single poster OP.
Please seek medical attention and get you and your children away from this man. You are in an extremely high risk situation and will never be safe with him.
Please, please get to safety Flowers

Juells · 08/11/2018 13:15

He's not even pretending he's sorry, just accusing you of being a drama queen.

Storm4star · 08/11/2018 13:18

Let me just add OP that I have been where you are. I went to a women's refuge. At the time I had two young children. Yes Social Services did get involved but in a good way. They helped me with housing, claiming grants to furnish my new home, charity toys and clothes for the children, a nursery place for my son. They just wanted what I did, for my children to be safe. Once we were settled they closed our case. Not once did they ever even hint at taking the children from me. My kids are grown up now and we've had a happy and safe life. You and your kids can have that too.

GrumpyOldMare · 08/11/2018 13:18

This has made my blood run cold - my ex husband strangled me once. I didn't report it.The last time he hit me,I ended up with a cracked rib and multiple bruises. That time I DID report him. He was arrested and charged .

Please please report him. You're more at risk of losing your kids and your life if you stay with him.

findingmywaytoday · 08/11/2018 13:19

His texts show zero remorse. You should definitely go to he Drs and report. You're vulnerable given your recent surgery and he still did that to you and then guilt trips you with his texts re the "consequences" of going to dr. Any consequences will be on HIM not you and he is banking on you not telling anyone. What if he hadn't let go? He could kill you. Please report this. You owe it not only to yourself but also the safety of your children.

Knittedfairies · 08/11/2018 13:24

I cannot understand why you are more scared of (possibly) not seeing your stepdaughters than you are of potentially becoming yet another woman murdered by a violent man, depriving your children of their mother.
Please get medical attention and then leave him.

RaininSummer · 08/11/2018 13:32

Bloody hell he is an unfeeling violent control freak. You must leave. I understand that your worry is for the step children. I think you need social services involved as they need to be removed from his care too.

Noqont · 08/11/2018 13:33

Seriously mate, those text are heartbreaking. You need to get out, for you and the kids. How's it going to feel for them when he's killed you? Dad in prison. No mum. Please do something about this.