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Original poster

talk me down! dd(14) poss pregnant

680 replies

dawnc27 · 06/11/2018 18:31

just moved dds school bag of the settee and a bit of papers slid out, on it it says a due date, possible names and names of godparents.
now this wouldnt normally phase me as id just think it was teenage rambling EXCEPT..... ive been asking myself when shes next due on, as we have been away for 2 weeks and back now around 10 days and shes not been on during that time which got me thinking back to when i last bought her any pads and tbh i cant remember. im thinking around july time which would tie in with the due date wrote down.
shes out at the moment which may be a good thing as i dont know what the fuck to do now!!
please help me by giving some advice

OP posts:
FortyFeet · 06/11/2018 19:09

Oh aye?

dontalltalkatonce · 06/11/2018 19:09

It would be the end of the world for a lot of people/families. What if the OP is unable to take on the childrearing for this kid? Not everyone can. On MN everyone's hunky dory middle class with flexible work and no other kids or kids with SN and room to take in another baby and 'make it work'. No one's ever a single parent with 2 other kids with SN on a zero hours contract and Universal Credit in a 2-bed flat on the 3rd floor with no lift.

Ozziewozzie · 06/11/2018 19:09

Hi there.
Firstly, I would ask her if there is anything she needs to talk to you about. Try and ‘open the door’ as wide as you can, without interrogating her. For all you know she may be massively relieved to tell you (if she is I hasten to add).
You have the advantage of being forwarned, (again, if she is pregnant).
My mother was a witch, but you clearly aren’t. Already your instincts are to support HER decision.
Your dd can obviously confide in you, hence the bi sexual chat, but pregnancy is different. For one, she could be terrified of disappointing you.

I too did games on paper. Pets name, kids names etc. It could be innocent.
If she says she has nothing to tell you then I would say, ‘oh thank goodness because I found papers with ....... and thought you might be pregnant, you know you could tell me something like that don’t you. ‘
If your dd is expecting then her care is important both physically and emotionally.
Fingers and toes crossed for you. X

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Families
Tahani · 06/11/2018 19:11

i think the first thing you need to do is find out if she is actually pg or not

NorthernRunner · 06/11/2018 19:12

OP- just offering a hand to hold x

Soubriquet · 06/11/2018 19:12

I must say, if my dd was pregnant at 14, I would be encouraging termination too.

However it would be 100% her choice. I would just let her know that it is an option and that having a baby right now could make dramatic changes to her life and future

PrincessConsuelaBannanaHammock · 06/11/2018 19:13

Take it one step at a time, find out it she is pregnant then worry about it. You sound very supportive though she's lucky to have such an understanding mum.

Nixen · 06/11/2018 19:13

You sound like a lovely supportive mum OP. I’m sure you and your DD will be ok no matter what x

katseyes7 · 06/11/2018 19:14

You sound like an amazing mum, OP - she won't go far wrong with you on her side. Love and hugs xxx

WhingyNinja · 06/11/2018 19:15

You sound so kind and supportive, OP. I hope your daughter is okay and just doing silly teenage stuff with the note but even if she is pregnant it sounds like she's got your full support, she'll thank you for that!

yawning801 · 06/11/2018 19:16

AT NO POINT HAVE I SUGGESTED THIS CHILD BE FORCED TO DO ANYTHING.

Oh, but you have.

In your first post you said that the kindest things to do for her is for OP to take her for a termination. This implies that the decision is entirely down to OP, when it's not. These days, teenagers are educated on contraception and teenage pregnancy, and they know more than you think. Do you think that termination is a form of contraception or something? You're presuming that the child will want to, but in fact she has her own mind, and her own body, and ultimately the decision of what she wants to do with that is nobody's decision but her own, especially not yours.

IceLemonGin · 06/11/2018 19:17

She's lucky to have a mum like you. Hopefully it's just one of those silly things teens do, like working out your couple compatibility using the letters in your name Confused

anitagreen · 06/11/2018 19:17

@yawning801 couldn't agree more with your post 

BolleauxtoBankers · 06/11/2018 19:18

I appreciate your kindness and support of your daughter, OP, as I was the same when my own daughter feared she was pregnant, pre-university. I made it clear I would stand by her whatever her decision. (In the event, it was a false alarm.) However, I really don’t think a 14 year old imagining who the godparents will be can understand the harsh, stark, reality of what having a real life baby entails - unless you (as I would have done) step up and take care of your grandchild as though they were your own, this pregnancy, if it is one, will make a huge, not necessarily positive, difference to your daughter's life. .

helforddreams · 06/11/2018 19:18

no fuck that. She's a fucking child. Children do NOT have to 'step up' to childrearing just because they are unfortunately enough to be children with ovaries. She doesn't need to be punished for 20 years for being sexually active at 14

My daughter became pregnant whilst still at school. She was still able to continue her education, and actually went on school trips abroad. She now works at a managerial level in a professional business. She is happily married to the father, who has a professional career and they live in their own home. Our grandson, who happens to be the most wonderful human being on the planet, is loved and adored by us all, and they have a wonderful life together. If anything becoming pregnant was the making of them both. Just letting you know it can actually all work out especially with the OP's great common sense and compassion. OP, you sound so lovely, I wish you and your daughter the very best!

colditz · 06/11/2018 19:18

Do not set me up as your strawman, Yawning.

flamingofridays · 06/11/2018 19:18

colditz she might want to keep the baby.

Yes having kids young can ruin your life. It doesnt have to and op sounds great so chances are this girl has the chance of a good life whether she is pregnant and keeps the baby or not.

Its not the 50s anymore.

KurriKurri · 06/11/2018 19:19

You sound like a very supportive Mum, obviously it is a big thing, but if it has happened, it has happened, and when she is ready she'll tell you the details (like who the father is and the circumstances). Juts let her know you are there for her in whatever decision she makes, and talk through her options and the practicalities.

It doesn't mean the end of her plans. My DS works in a pastoral/academic capacity in a secindary school and his job involves helping teenagers continue with their education under challenging circumstances.
For teenagers who are pregnant he helps them arrange all their academic study, how they can continue with study while away from school after the baby is born (or if they need hospital care beforehand)it's a process of liaising with the school to make the best plans to help her as much as possible. He deals with the practicalities of being at school and being a Mum, and arranging eductional and emotional support. There will be someone in your DD's school who will do this job and there is definitely support for her to access whatever decision she makes. Good luck Flowers

colditz · 06/11/2018 19:20

That's lovely, helfordreams

My Sister's friend had a baby at 14. She was encouraged to keep it by her mother, who intended to help her.

The baby was taken into care aged 2.5 due to neglect and the girl has been heartbroken ever since.

The whole pile of shite could have been avoided by accepting that motherhood is not an ideal situation to encourage children into.

Bigpizzalover · 06/11/2018 19:21

How long has your DD been having periods? I didn’t start mine until I was 14 and it took a good year until they were regular.

I then stupidly used to take my pill constantly and didn’t have a break if I knew I was going swimming/going on holiday etc, could this be the case for your daughter if she is on contraception?

You sound amazing OP, supporting your DD in whatever choice SHE makes. Flowers

yawning801 · 06/11/2018 19:22

Do not set me up as your strawman, Yawning.

Well, I'm sorry, but that is what I'm getting from your posts. If you think you're being misrepresented, fair enough. Try to explain to us all, concisely and clearly, exactly what you want to say. Just maybe don't contradict yourself.

BertramKibbler · 06/11/2018 19:22

Colditz seems way too invested in this thread

siakcaci · 06/11/2018 19:23

Whatever you do make sure she knows you are on her side. If my mum had asked me straight out if I was pregnant I would have lied to her.

Don't force her to take a test, by all means have one ready, but don't wave it in her face the minute she walks in the door!

And as for colditz, I would just ignore. The goading isn't what you need right now. Yes termination is an option, but it is not the only option.

flamingofridays · 06/11/2018 19:23

colditz the point is nobody should be encouraging her either way. Inform her of her options. Factually. Not emotionally. Let her decide.

Motherhood is hard work. I assume terminating a baby you want is much much harder.

Villanellesproudmum · 06/11/2018 19:23

She may have just had a missed period for medical reasons or like my 14 year the odd extremely light one and be playing all scenarios in her head without having taken a test. She might not be sexually active.