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My dh died this afternoon. Please hold my hand through this.

333 replies

DeadZed · 22/10/2018 16:57

We have four distraught dc. the police are still here. I don't know what to say to people. I don't know what to ask when they offer to help.

OP posts:
grace7 · 22/10/2018 17:32

ThanksThanks

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/10/2018 17:32

Oh Op I'm so sorry. I wish I could take all the heart ache away from you and your lovely girls. Why is life so cruel. Also who ever said "Lifes too short" never was a truer word spoken xxxxx.

pointythings · 22/10/2018 17:34

I am so sorry for your loss. Keep reaching out whenever you need to - on here and in RL. Whatever gets you from one moment to the next is OK.

labazs · 22/10/2018 17:34

sending love and hugs at this terrible time

WitchDancer · 22/10/2018 17:34

My condolences on your loss, and offering a hand to hold. I would just say 'thank you, I'll bear that in mind' and don't be frightened to tell people exactly what you want.

Loz83g · 22/10/2018 17:34

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, I know you may be a way off seeking this type of support but as and when you may be ready there is a wonderful charity called the Courage Foundation who work with bereaved families.

Sending love x

mykidsmyworld · 22/10/2018 17:35

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you all the strength you'll need at this time.

HollowTalk · 22/10/2018 17:35

I remember your other thread and what a terrible worry it was for you. I am so, so sorry.

Flowers
Juanbablo · 22/10/2018 17:36

I am so, so sorry. Xx

MargiaStevens · 22/10/2018 17:37

So so sorry OP. Sending love xxx

sussexman · 22/10/2018 17:37

So sorry. Flowers Most people who ask what they can do to help can be thanked and asked to come back in a few days. quiet listening types can make tea/food and sit with you or the kids. I hope you have a close family member who can come and stay. You can absolutely ask for that.

Kahlua4me · 22/10/2018 17:38

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are all in. My best friend is at a funeral today of one of her friends who also has 4 children. In the last few weeks the mums around them have set up a dinner rota so one of them takes a meal over to their home every evening and spends time chatting to the bereft dh and dc. Perhaps you have someone nearby who could do that for you.

But for now, do you have a somebody with dc who could come over? My mum died suddenly a few years ago and one friend came over that evening with her dc who are similar ages as mine. It really helped them as they could talk but also it switched them off enough from their pain to get to sleep, albeit for a short while.

Thinking of you xx

oatmilk4breakfast · 22/10/2018 17:39

I’m very sorry for your loss - glad you can reach out here. There are some very beautiful children’s books that help to deal with loss depending how old your children are - don’t know if too soon. Will look them up. 💐💐

TokyoSushi · 22/10/2018 17:39

Oh gosh, I'm so very sorry. 

Perhaps people could just help in small ways for now, make you food, look after the DC's while you make any necessary arrangements etc.

What an awful shock for you, sending lots of unmumsnetty love

DunkandEggAgain · 22/10/2018 17:40

I am so sorry Flowers

HeronLanyon · 22/10/2018 17:41

I am really, really sorry op. I hope the messages of support here are helpful. You’re on a difficult road right now. You will come through it. Your children will love you for helping them when they understand. You take help where and when it feels right. And help for yourself.

Ravenesque · 22/10/2018 17:41

I am so, so sorry. Take all the help you can. Hopefully a lot of people will offer something and not ask. So all the meals that are offered, all the practical things, cleaning, cooking, helping you with documents, helping with the death certificate, funeral arrangements, calling people who need to know. When someone asks, then think of all these things and if you think that person a is best for practical thing b, then ask them to do that. But, whatever you do TAKE all the help. People care and feel useless at the same time. Doing something for you will be their way of showing love and care.

This afternoon though, oh my love, you must be in absolute bits. If there is anyone at all who can be with you and the children get them round. The police will hopefully phone someone for you.

You already know it's going to be rough and awful, so let people be kind to you, be kind to yourself and yes, use this thread and this place. I'm on semi-regular but there are so many kind people here who will listen in the wee small hours when there's no one around and you can't sleep. Again, I'm so very sorry. Much love to you x

EmmaGhostGhoul · 22/10/2018 17:41

I am so sorry. If I can help in any practical way, please PM me.

marine04 · 22/10/2018 17:41

I'm so sorry.

I've been there.

You don't have to say anything to the people offering help. If they are worth their salt they will come back and offer another day when your thoughts are slightly clear.

Thinking of you all.

toxic44 · 22/10/2018 17:42

So very sorry for you. Two more hands to hold.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/10/2018 17:43

I'm so sorry.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/10/2018 17:43

So sorry Flowers

Ask a friend or relative to be your 'liaison person' with the other friends and relatives - making sure people are informed (by asking a few others to help inform their various groups) and, noting or accepting offers of help.

Let that person know what would be helpful. Or just let them note offers, that you can come back to when you're ready.

SillySallySingsSongs · 22/10/2018 17:45

So sorry for your loss Flowers

elephantoverthehill · 22/10/2018 17:46
Flowers
Artofhappiness · 22/10/2018 17:46

I’m so sorry you are going through this, truly heartbreaking my love. May be absolutely no use to you but this is what helped me in a similar situation.

Firstly, call your GP (or ask someone else to) if you think you will need help with sleeping/panic over the next couple of days.

If you can, look at the calendar for this week and delegate any organising, anything that needs to be cancelled/re-arranged to someone who has offered to help e.g can you phone and cancel or re-arrange this for me? You and DC will need space.

You might also want to ask someone to get food/meals or other shopping for you so there’s stuff in the house and you don’t have to deal with driving or supermarkets or transport. Ditto anything your DC might need this week and if you need to pay any bills/get money from the bank etc

There is no right or wrong way to react and the same applies to your children. The only thing you can really do is make some space yourselves away from work, school, activities etc this week. If you or the DC want to do anything you can of course but it really helps not having to explain what’s happened or to receive calls about missed classes, appts etc.

When you’re able - or again ask someone else to read it - there is information on the CAB website about what to do practically after someone has died, including when there is an investigation. This is different in England, Wales, Scotland etc so check the version for your country. CAB can also help with sorting out help for funeral costs, working out benefit entitlement, housing matters/council tax and anything else that might come up.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/what-to-do-after-a-death/

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