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Original poster

My dh died this afternoon. Please hold my hand through this.

333 replies

DeadZed · 22/10/2018 16:57

We have four distraught dc. the police are still here. I don't know what to say to people. I don't know what to ask when they offer to help.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 22/10/2018 18:07

I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking for you and the children.

I think it would be wise to just worry about getting through tonight. The rest can wait until morning. Do you want company? Do you want to be left alone? Do your children need distracting or do they just need cuddles with their mum? Have you got food and drink? Has everyone been told who needs to?

Text another school parent to ask them to tell school on your behalf. Or email school if that's easy and you're sure the message will get to the right person.

Make sure your DC can cry, rage, talk, sit in silence, play Fortnite or whatever they feel comfortable with. Can they sleep with you if they want?

Most of all, know that there are many people feeling desperately sad for your family at the moment. All wishing there was something practical they could do to help.



TheMonkeyMummy · 22/10/2018 18:08

I am so so sorry. Not much to say that hasn't already been said. 

shinycat · 22/10/2018 18:08

Awful. Don't know what to say.

So sorry. Flowers

SpottingTheZebras · 22/10/2018 18:11

I’m so sorry, OP. Flowers

HelenaDove · 22/10/2018 18:11

So so sorry to hear this........my heartfelt sympathies to you , your children and family Thanks Thanks

percheron67 · 22/10/2018 18:11

So sorry to read this post. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

StrangeLookingParasite · 22/10/2018 18:13

OMG I'm so sorry. I wish there was something practical I could do for you.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 22/10/2018 18:14

So sorry to read this OP Flowers. My heart goes out to you all.

Jlynhope · 22/10/2018 18:15

I am sorry. That is horrific. I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers

FuckKnuckle · 22/10/2018 18:16

I am so, so sorry to hear this. You must do whatever feels right for you, but I think the suggestion by a pp of asking people to clear your diary/calendar for you and your DCs is a very good one.

Another hand here. Flowers

Iwantaunicorn · 22/10/2018 18:18

I am so incredibly sorry for you and your DC. I hope you have family on the way for rl support. For now, just focus on tonight as PP have said. I’ll be thinking of you all 💐

Original poster
DeadZed · 22/10/2018 18:22

Thank you for all your kind words.
My friend has come to sit with me.

OP posts:
greenberet · 22/10/2018 18:24

So very very sorry to read this Flowers

chorusline79 · 22/10/2018 18:24

So sorry for your loss OP, and for your children. Thinking of you.

YerMammy · 22/10/2018 18:25

My thoughts are with you. I think the idea of asking one person to co-ordinate help is a good one. Often people will say, “ If you need anything, you know where I am”, but few people will take them up on it. This way, you just thank them, and tell them,” Friend A is in charge, I’ll certainly pass on your very kind offer”.

cantfindname · 22/10/2018 18:26

I am so so sorry. My darling partner died suddenly 11th May and I too had police etc to deal with.

6 months on I still haven't grieved properly; there were too many problems to spare any me-time.

I was appalled at how nosy some people were under the guise of wanting to help.. neighbours mostly, who all wanted to be first with the gossip. Let family and good friends spend time with you as support and take each day as it comes for now.

Advice: Don't add to the pressure by making plans that you then won't feel like following through but are obliged to for your children.

CAB were wonderful for all the small details and things I hadn't thought of.

Sorry to mention this but get plenty of copies of the death certificate. You will need them and they are £4 on the day you register but £11 after that so a significant saving.

Ask a trusted family member to make all the phone calls to notify other relatives/friends. You will find it impossibly hard having to explain and answer the same questions over and again.

Above all, let yourself grieve. Cry, shout, rant and be angry, because it isn't fair when this happens so suddenly. Don't bottle it up.

My very sincere best wishes to you and prayers for you Flowers

TwigTheWonderKid · 22/10/2018 18:26

I am so sorry for you and your poor children. Sudden death is such a shock.

I know what it's like when lovely, kind people offer non-specific help and you end up feeling even more stressed and anxious trying to think of something for them to do when you are in absolutely no position think or make decisions. Hopefully you can delegate that responsibility to someone else and get them to co-ordinate all that.

You WILL get through this but right now you are in shock and you really need to take each moment as it comes.

Annandale · 22/10/2018 18:27

Hand to hold. Dh died almost 9 months ago - in his case there was never any diubt he'd taken his own life.

Don't be afraid to tell the truth - yes you desperately need help but you don't know what. Say yes to whatever they come up with - stuff i wiuld never have thoufht of was really useful.

One of the biggest might be to take the children out during half term and let them be their normal selves if they can even though such a seismic change has happened.

Ring your gp tomorrow. Don't go to the gp by yourself if you can avoid it. Taking me to appointments and waiting for me was one of the big helps in the early days.

sonicshoegazes · 22/10/2018 18:28

In my thoughts and prayers. I'm so very sorry you are all going through this.

Picklypickles · 22/10/2018 18:29

I'm so sorry for your loss

Dollygirl2008 · 22/10/2018 18:31

so sorry to hear this sad news. Thoughts are with you all x

t00dle00 · 22/10/2018 18:31

I'm so sorry OP

sizeofalentil · 22/10/2018 18:34

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I tried to think of a few things that you may need support with that you could ask people to help you with:

A food shop - ask them to stock up on tea, coffee, milk, longlife milk so you don't need to go out if you're caught short, bread, biscuits etc. as you might have a lot of visitors stopping by and may want something to offer them. You'll need toilet paper and tissues too.

Laundry / changing the beds - could you ask people to take things to the laundrette for you so that you don't need to worry about the practicalities of clean clothes etc

Cleaning / housework - If there's anyone who you wouldn't feel bad asking this, you could ask them to kindly help you with housework, if you feel comfortable enough. Or to hire a cleaner for you.

School pick ups/drop offs and lifts to clubs etc. - if anyone could take the kids to school for a week or so, that might give you some breathing space to sort anything out that you'd need to

Do you need someone to ring around people / answer your phone / open your post / fill out forms or maybe even deal with other small practicalities?

Help with the flowers - people may send flowers and you might not have the time/energy to deal with them

Do you need someone to come with you to sign the death certificate? Or at least be driven there? Or to sit with the kids when you go.

My thoughts are with you at this sad time.

winewolfhowls · 22/10/2018 18:34

So sorry for your loss, prayers to you all. if anyone offers help agree to food, if it can be frozen it will be great in a week or so, grief can be exhausting.

PeapodBurgundy · 22/10/2018 18:34

I can't offer any practical comments but I didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry for your loss, and hope the technicalities are over quickly so you can mourn in peace. Flowers