Uncomfortable realisations about yourself

[Casperandme]

I've had a couple of these recently, things I've realised about myself that are uncomfortable but at the same time things I wish I'd realised many years earlier.

In particular:

• there are all of these altruistic things I think I want to do one day but it's all bullshit, I don't actually want to, I just fancy myself the sort of person that would want to if that makes sense.
• I'm a gossip and I need to stop.

What are yours?

I don't fell any shame at all about my supposed shortcomings. I am comfortable about my hermit like existence, I am not keen on other people, when I get home from work I slob about in pyjamas, I eat too much, I watch too much tv. Life is short. Do what you want.

I’m incredibly lazy. I’m not working at the moment and there are a million things I should be doing. I can’t be arsed. I just drift through the days without achieving much.

• I suffer from anxiety and am realising that I probably always will be controlled by it.

• I care far too much about keeping other people happy.

• I'm too nervous around new people and I think it shows.

I have mental health diagnoses and use those as an excuse to isolate myself "for my health". My pool of "people" is getting smaller and smaller and I love it.....until I have nobody and then I will really struggle.

I am incredibly impulsive and while I can work to a budget I am a total shopaholic and spend around 40% of my income on shoes that I don't even wear (this ties into my MH)

I am self destructive. I recently did a post grad course and my attendance was less that 60%. I could have gone, just could be arsed a lot of the time. I got a merit, but with just some actual effort I could have got a distinction. Its like I feel I don't deserve it? I think I'm scared of success as then I would have to step out of my comfort zone.

Should add, im a little embarrassed by my laziness but on the whole my life is very happy!

I hate mornings and am never going to be a morning person (but also love calling my friends once the kids are in bed and reading a page turner until 2am when I should know better).

I take on too much (but mostly handle it to be fair)

I am very strong and independent, and sometimes that also leaves me lonely and vulnerable even when I feel like I'm the opposite.

I pick the wrong men and think I should be single forever after the last one. And that doesn't make me feel bad. I genuinely couldn't give a crap if the only sexual experiences I ever have again come from love honeys toy department.

I love fake nails but will Never have them again- they're too impractical and get in the way of my hobbies such as art, music etc.

I can't be bothered, and am not bothered by fake friends. I have some wonderful people in my life. Most of them are far away but I have a phone and the Internet.

I will also always be a 1:1 friend not a group person. I can do groups when I'm working or studying but it's an effort and I'd rather my social arrangements were more low key.

Oh, and that I am no longer an "always early" person, since having kids I'm always late!!!

I always tend to see the bad in people

I am unable to talk about my emotions, bottle everything up and wallow in silence

I lack trust

I'm stubborn

I'm probably hard on my fiancé and verge on controlling

I'm a worrier

I am not very patient, I'm selfish and I get worked up very easily

God, I'm not a nice person 

Most of these are so negative.

I've realised that the majority of people view me as far more cool and collected, competent and conciencious than I have ever been.

And while I can occasionally be a complete twat im actually usually a pretty nice person and I do what I can to help others.

I'm also more aware of the times when I am a twat as well though.

I prefer animals to humans
I have no friends
I over spend
I drink too much
I am becoming a recluse
I watch too much Netflix
I am desperately unhappy

I'm controlling. And selfish.and manipulative. If my dh were to come on here he'd be told to ltb. I try not to be these things and have some good qualities (I'm very generous, I'm socialable, optimistic, caring, and kind) but the fact is I need to know where dh is,what he's doing, I often say I feel unwell to get him to "spoil" me- just because I like being spoilt. It's not nice. I sulk when I'm unhappy, which again, I know is terrible but can't seem to stop doing it.

I am VERY lazy (seems to be a common theme, presumably because we should all be doing stuff and are, instead on MN)

I am selfish, I get my DH to do a lot for me because I know he will

I need a lot of quiet time to do what I want to do (see also, selfish) and worry I'll struggle with small children

I'm a slob and I eat far too much.

I'm pretty sure I have borderline personality disorder but I'm too pathetic to address it so instead I just let everyone around me suffer from my insecurities and insane mood swings because what I've read online makes me think a diagnosis would make me worthless and unlovable. I'd rather be dead than without love and I resent that my family etc want me alive.

I am very lazy and a bit of a slob.
I often can't be arsed with other people even when they are perfectly nice and want to cultivate a good friendship.
I have a tendency to look down on people who aren't very intelligent and have interests that I think are shallow.
I wouldn't mind if a contagious virus eradicated humans from the earth.

I love to gossip
I can be a sneaky bitch at times and drop other people in the shit if i think they deserve it
My laugh is annoying and loud
I use humour as a defence mechanism

I’m a very negative person - I do have depression but the negativity predates the depression

I’m lazy

Since having children I have no career ambition, I was ambitious before but now it’s just zero

I can be very bitchy about people, I have worked on this and have improved a lot though but the inner bitchiness doesn’t disappear

I get addicted to things so easily. It’s like a swap one addiction for another. At the moment it’s food. Previously it’s been cigarettes, binge drinking, exercise. I mean properly obsessed.

Also anxiety. I suffer with it and when it’s bad I can be quite an angry person

I am not a very likeable person.

That I'm a bit of a loner.

My ability (or lack thereof) to make friends in any new place I move to has nothing to do with the type of people I'm around. It's me and my social anxiety that stops things in my tracks.

I am a quitter. And if something seems too hard I talk myself out of trying it in the first place.

Most horrifying of all, my child is of low to average ability in most things, academic or athletic, and I find it so disappointing. School came so easy to me, both me and his father have graduate degrees. Ideally, he should be more clever than he is. don't know why things never clicked for DS.

I have been told so much that I'm crap socially that I believe it (there was one particularly toxic account of me, but also other comments).

It's now dawned on me that I have no idea if it's (still) true and no ability to judge what others think.I am successful in my job but always thought I was held back because of social skills.

It's especially uncomfortable because I can't see a way to improve either my self-knowledge or my ability in this area.

I am always negative,( especially about myself) I am too critical, I always say the wrong thing even though unintentionally ( gave hug to pregsnabt colleague who lost a baby the year before at birth “so glad you are pregnant again, am so pleased for you”. ) interupt people when talking, shall I go on. I make friends and they don’t usually last more than a couple of years as I will at some point say the wrong thing. Always realise later on and apologise for it but don’t know why I open mouth in first place.

Oh am crap socially too!

I'm naïve about people. I always assume the best about dickheads only for them to prove they are dickheads.

I can't handle social situations at all, while there I'm fine, but always need down time afterwards, otherwise I become more and more irritable. I think that is quite common.
I'm lazy, the house is a mess because I hate housework, but I always tell people it's because of the kids. Really, it's me.
I'm so lazy that I will buy pre-pared potatoes and veg, precooked chicken etc. when these things are quick to do yourself anyway.
I'm vain and obsessed with clothes and fashion, and I never leave the house without makeup. I even put it on if I know someone is coming over, I've tried not to, but will continuously look at my reflection, criticising myself until I put it on. I hate looking like my mother.
I love my children, but each of them have aspects of their personalities that irritate and enrage me.
I want to be the type of mother that has conversations with her children, but I never last more than 5 minutes. They bore me.